Who Will Fix Me Now?

Oli’s point of view:

“Oli, are you sure you don’t wanna go to college to get a good job?” Mom asks me from where she stands at the kitchen sink, drying off the last of the day’s dishes. “Your father and I would love to keep you bummed here, but we’re not gonna live forever. You’ll be on your own one day.”

“No,” is all I say as I push the leafy material around on my plate. I barely survived four years of high school alive, there’s no way in fucking hell I’m going to college for god knows how many more years. I’m done with school life, so fucking done with it.

“Alright,” she answers as she tosses the cloth onto the countertop before leaving to the living room to watch reality TV or talk shows like she usually does these days. When I’m sure she can’t see, I take my plate to the trash and rake my food into it before washing it myself. Since I’m being allowed to stay here for as long as I like, I decided that I’d take it upon myself to do whatever I can around the house (especially since I’m too damn lazy to go get a job while I’m at it, even if it’s just working at MDs).

“Oli, I’m going to the store, okay?” Mom calls as I hear keys jingling on a chain.

“Alright!” I call back as I hear the door open. “Love you!”

“Love you too!” she calls back as I hear the door close and I’m engulfed by loneliness. Usually it’s just me and Mom at home these days. Dad got promoted so all he usually does is wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, repeat. What’s worse than that though is that something’s gotten into Tom and he’s been extremely disrespectful so he was sent to live with our strict as fuck aunt and uncle. Tom still calls whenever he can, but that’s not too often. I’m still getting used to not having my baby brother there for me to cry to whenever I’ve hit rock bottom or just simply not having him around me at all.

Hey, at least I can still contact him. I don’t really get to talk to Alex and Jack at all since they’re really busy with college (they’re the only friends of mine that went to college, actually). They promised and swore up and down that they’d call on my birthday and come visit on Christmas and Thanksgiving, but that’s just about the only times we’re really gonna talk though, unfortunately. I wouldn’t be surprised if our friendship broke after that long, but at the same time, I’d be really surprised. I mean, I’ve been friends with them for a long time.

I guess I’ll be okay if they’re not here either though. I still have Tanner and Xavier and Josh and Rachelle, after all. I guess you could say Elissa and Bradley too, but not that much. The only time I talk to them is when Josh brings me over to their house, which has only happened around maybe three times since we broke up a while back.

Speaking of Elissa and Bradley, they adopted a one year old named Vanessa or something along those lines. I’ve only met her once, the last time I went to Elissa’s and Bradley’s shortly after graduating. So, maybe about last month then? Yeah, that sounds about right. She’s like, one, so of course she’s gonna be obnoxious as fuck. When I first met her when I was at the graduation party Elissa threw for Josh, all she did was cry and cry and cry and bloody hell, I never hated a kid so much. But towards the end, she got better. Still annoying, but better. But why does my opinion matter? It’ll probably be a while until the next time I meet her. She probably won’t even remember me anyways. I'm nothing important or memorable.

I flinch and swear under my breath when my phone alerts me of a new text and I check it out.

It’s my mom asking me if I want anything. I reply with a simple no. Then I decide to tell her that I love her. I don't know, I've been telling her that a lot more lately. Maybe it's because she's putting up with my shit and letting me stay here with her when she can kick me out right now. I'm eighteen now, after all.

After pocketing my phone, I get up to go upstairs and retrieve my notebook I write all my lyrics in. I bring it downstairs and allow myself to get comfortable on the couch again before retrieving a pen from the couch cushion.

No, that’s not weird in the slightest. Not at all.

I open my notebook to a random page, only to quickly flip away from it. It was one of the songs I wrote with Josh and I’d like to avoid reading it for now. You see, I’m not exactly over him and what he’s done to me yet.

I feel my eyes well up with tears and I wipe them away before they can fall.

Oli, you’re a grown ass man! Grow some balls!

I keep turning the pages until I get to a blank one and start to write an idea I got.

‘I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for the feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink
I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim’

I read over what I just wrote, proud. You know, I think I know what I can add this too…

I flip the page to something I wrote a small while ago and read that before quickly flipping back to my most recent writing, reading them together.

I like it.

I write them together and finish the song, giving it the name Can You Feel My Heart?

I flinch again when the door suddenly bursts open. I look up from my notebook when Mom walks in, struggling to carry several bags into the kitchen at once.

“Need any help, Mom?” I ask, but she shakes her head like she usually does when I offer help with groceries.

“I saw your friend at the store,” she says under her breath. That’s how I know it’s one of my friends she’s not fond of, so it narrows it down a bit.

“Rachelle, Josh, or Tanner?”

“Josh.”

Small world.

“Oh, okay.”

She said nothing else as she went outside to get more groceries from the car, coming back into the kitchen moments later to unpack all the groceries. I ask her if she needed any help again, but she, surprise surprise, declines again. Then she suggests that I go outside for a bit, since I haven’t really been out very often. I shrug and put my notebook away, grabbing my phone instead incase something were to happen. You just never know.