Status: in progress
Second Heartbeat
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me
Bright lights were abusing his sore eyes even through his eyelid were shut tight. Constant beeping was making that hell of a headache much worse. He failed miserably in opening his eyes, pain soaking throughout his whole body.
Confused.
He felt almost like he had been beaten badly, although not being able to remember getting into any fight. He tried to move a little, painful whimper escaped his lips.
“Brian!”
That voice… He was sure he knew it. But he couldn’t recollect who it belonged to.
“He’s awake…” Another well-known voice. Zacky. Yeah, Zacky it was.
“Go get a doctor,” first voice he couldn’t place just yet spoke again. He felt something warm placed on his cheek. That touch was strangely familiar. Suddenly, a glimpse of warm hazel eyes rose back into his consciousness.
Everything came back to him all at once. He concentrated all his power, opening eyes slowly. Pain struck again full force, but he didn’t register. Those hazel orbs he remembered were right in front of him, extremely worried. And he was in no state to resist them.
“Brian…” Matt whispered, placing Brian’s palm in his owns. He couldn’t say anything else as relief washed over him. There was deep ache inside of his heart, forcing him to give Brian all comfort he possibly could, offer any kind of help he could. He blamed it for what had happened to Jimmy and he refused to think about it further. Not now, when Brian needed him.
But Matt's relief was bittersweet, mostly. Because here, under the bright lights in sterile hospital room, he could clearly see, that Brian wasn’t okay. At all. He looked sick, dead-tired, his normally sharp cheekbones were even more apparent now, creating deep dark circles under his eyes. Cheeks sunken, his skin became almost gray, while his hands were ice-cold. He looked so fragile in white starched sheets…Matt couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed months ago.
That he had let it get this far. He had let Brian did this to himself. Even when he swore…after 2009…
His heart clenched every time he met older mans eyes. Those well known orbs were lifeless, dead to
the world.
><
“Oh come on, there are just two more shows!” Brian snapped towards his bandmates. “And besides, I am absolutely fine!”
“You passed out in the elevator.” Zacky pointed out, sipping his coffee.
“Can’t you just get over it, man? Shit happens, for fuck sake!”
“I can get over it, but I cannot get over you walking around like a goddamn skeleton, acting like a different person and snapping at everyone who just try to talk to you, or God help me, touch you…”
Johnny reached to cup Brians shoulder, but the guitarist jerked away abruptly. Johnny winced, but spoke up anyway. “And doctor said you need to rest, and doing a gig 20 hours after you’ve been discharged from the hospital does not sound like…”
“Hey, cut it off,” intervened Matt calmly. “There’s no point in fighting with each other. If Brian says he can make it through the rest of the shows, he can.”
They all turned around. Matt stood in the doorway, arms crossed across his broad chest.
“But what if he…” Johnny tried to argue again, but when Matt shook his head slightly, he left off.
“Yo, shortshit, I’m right here,” Brian remarked harshly, walking towards the door. “And I am completely able to play two goddamn shows.” He grabbed a pack of Marlboros and left the room. Once outside, he lighted one of his beloved cigarettes, dragged deeply. He knew they just cared about him, but the only thing he wanted was to be alone. That was why he kept snapping at everybody, not even trying to hold himself back. He was way out of powers to control his reactions.
><
“Hey…”
Brian recognized Matt’s voice instantly, his body tensed up, as he forced out quiet ‘What’s up’.
“I wanted to make sure you’re alright,” Matt spoke almost softly, joining Brian in small backyard designed as a smoking area. “And that you’ll make it through the show.”
“I said I will.”
Matt sighed, knowing this was in no way destined to be an easy conversation. “I’m glad you feel better.”
Brian parted his lips, but no sound came out eventually. He didn’t know what to answer, so he just kept smoking. Venomous substances filling his lungs were always comforting. He looked calm and collected on the outside, but inside, he was just bundle of nerves ready to explode — or to fall apart and just cry. He couldn’t even bear Matt’s company, because every time he was around him, Brian wasn’t sure he could carry on pretending. The mask he wore for the better part of his life was getting thin. So he just discarded the butt into an ashtray and aimed for a door with emergency exit sign. But before they could bury him in dark hallways, firm hand gripped his shoulder and pulled him back to the daylight, obdurately, but still —somehow — gently.
“I won’t let you go, before you tell me what’s wrong,” Matt stated, blocking Brian’s only exit with his own body.
“There’s nothing wrong,” Brian answered, wanting nothing but escape far away from Matt’s demanding figure. Too close…Brian wasn’t able to face him. Nor when his lies sounded fake even to him.
“Bri…” Matt sighed, looking like he was fighting with himself. And then, something changed in his features and he spoke up again. “When Jimmy died, I swore to myself, that if any of my friends will be falling apart in front of my eyes like he did, I won’t let it go. Because I did leave him alone Brian. I was naive, I believed foolishly that everything was alright, trusted he will be fine…I won’t go down that road again…” Matt’s voice cracked in the end, but he kept his gaze fixed on Brian’s face.
Brian’s head shoot up, suddenly glaring straight into Matt’s hazel orbs. “How dare you to bring Jimmy into this shit?” he growled lowly.
Matt cocked his head, slightly surprised. “I will bring him again, if it makes you realize that I just wanna help you.”
“You wanna help me? Well, than leave me the fuck alone!” Brian was more pissed with every second. His mood-swings were bad his whole life, but right now, it was immensely worse, when he was at the end of his tether.
“Than why the hell did you tell me this was my fucking fault?” Matt snapped out, losing his last nerve. “Why is it my fault, that you can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t talk to anyone without starting an argument, or that you don’t have even enough energy to walk up the stairs anymore? Why am I the reason you need to get wasted into unconsciousness every night? Why, Brian?” Matt wasn’t sure himself, if he was more angry, or desperate. His throat tightened, more and more with every word.
Brian watched him silently, as he sighed and leaned against a concrete wall. He couldn’t even recall talking to Matt last night. But apparently, he did. I was drunk, he wanted to say, I didn’t even know what I was saying. Well, it was the truth, kind of.
But he knew Matt wouldn’t buy this bullshit anymore. He saw two possibilities — tell the truth, or run away. Running away appeared as an ‘easy way out’. But he was so tired of pretending. He was tired of constant lies. He was tired of living in the first place. “I cannot take it anymore…” he breathed out eventually, eyes fixed on the grey concrete.
“Take what?”
I know it’s hurting you, but it’s killing me.
“You.” It took almost all of his power remains, but he managed to look up and met hazel eyes of his friend.
Matt opened his mouth, but closed it again when he realized he had nothing to say. Surprised, confused…not able to comprehend.
“You know, it was alright for years. I was able to deal with you being around, deal with you being my best friend, bandmate, roommate…” Brian said quietly, slowly reaching for the doorknob, stepping cautiously around Matt. His gaze was burning hole into his back. “But then you proposed Val to marry you. And I realized how naive I was, thinking you might…one day…” Brian’s voice wavered, emotions getting too strong to bear. His sweaty palm clutched the metal knob like his last resort. “And your wedding…was the final breaking point.” He felt tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, but he needed to say it all, he needed to finish this. He had gone too far to back up. So he gathered all the energy left in him, all courage he ever had.
“I love you.”
Black heavy doors slammed shut behind him, leaving him in the darkness of the long corridor. But he didn’t linger there, he needed to get as far as he could. He ended up tucked in small space next to the stage, where he couldn’t be spotted due to equipment of several band scheduled to play before Avenged came up. Right now, Rob Zombie showed his best, but Brian didn’t pay any attention. Couldn’t.
He knew it was a mistake. He knew he fucked up. It was all because Matt brought him to the very edge of his nerves. He made him unsure, weak and insecure. He said, that after Jimmy’s death…
Jimmy…
But he couldn’t bring back time, nor his confession. His secret was revealed and there was nothing he could do about it, he had to walk the fallout on his own.
Just one more week. Just two more shows.
Confused.
He felt almost like he had been beaten badly, although not being able to remember getting into any fight. He tried to move a little, painful whimper escaped his lips.
“Brian!”
That voice… He was sure he knew it. But he couldn’t recollect who it belonged to.
“He’s awake…” Another well-known voice. Zacky. Yeah, Zacky it was.
“Go get a doctor,” first voice he couldn’t place just yet spoke again. He felt something warm placed on his cheek. That touch was strangely familiar. Suddenly, a glimpse of warm hazel eyes rose back into his consciousness.
Everything came back to him all at once. He concentrated all his power, opening eyes slowly. Pain struck again full force, but he didn’t register. Those hazel orbs he remembered were right in front of him, extremely worried. And he was in no state to resist them.
“Brian…” Matt whispered, placing Brian’s palm in his owns. He couldn’t say anything else as relief washed over him. There was deep ache inside of his heart, forcing him to give Brian all comfort he possibly could, offer any kind of help he could. He blamed it for what had happened to Jimmy and he refused to think about it further. Not now, when Brian needed him.
But Matt's relief was bittersweet, mostly. Because here, under the bright lights in sterile hospital room, he could clearly see, that Brian wasn’t okay. At all. He looked sick, dead-tired, his normally sharp cheekbones were even more apparent now, creating deep dark circles under his eyes. Cheeks sunken, his skin became almost gray, while his hands were ice-cold. He looked so fragile in white starched sheets…Matt couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed months ago.
That he had let it get this far. He had let Brian did this to himself. Even when he swore…after 2009…
His heart clenched every time he met older mans eyes. Those well known orbs were lifeless, dead to
the world.
><
“Oh come on, there are just two more shows!” Brian snapped towards his bandmates. “And besides, I am absolutely fine!”
“You passed out in the elevator.” Zacky pointed out, sipping his coffee.
“Can’t you just get over it, man? Shit happens, for fuck sake!”
“I can get over it, but I cannot get over you walking around like a goddamn skeleton, acting like a different person and snapping at everyone who just try to talk to you, or God help me, touch you…”
Johnny reached to cup Brians shoulder, but the guitarist jerked away abruptly. Johnny winced, but spoke up anyway. “And doctor said you need to rest, and doing a gig 20 hours after you’ve been discharged from the hospital does not sound like…”
“Hey, cut it off,” intervened Matt calmly. “There’s no point in fighting with each other. If Brian says he can make it through the rest of the shows, he can.”
They all turned around. Matt stood in the doorway, arms crossed across his broad chest.
“But what if he…” Johnny tried to argue again, but when Matt shook his head slightly, he left off.
“Yo, shortshit, I’m right here,” Brian remarked harshly, walking towards the door. “And I am completely able to play two goddamn shows.” He grabbed a pack of Marlboros and left the room. Once outside, he lighted one of his beloved cigarettes, dragged deeply. He knew they just cared about him, but the only thing he wanted was to be alone. That was why he kept snapping at everybody, not even trying to hold himself back. He was way out of powers to control his reactions.
><
“Hey…”
Brian recognized Matt’s voice instantly, his body tensed up, as he forced out quiet ‘What’s up’.
“I wanted to make sure you’re alright,” Matt spoke almost softly, joining Brian in small backyard designed as a smoking area. “And that you’ll make it through the show.”
“I said I will.”
Matt sighed, knowing this was in no way destined to be an easy conversation. “I’m glad you feel better.”
Brian parted his lips, but no sound came out eventually. He didn’t know what to answer, so he just kept smoking. Venomous substances filling his lungs were always comforting. He looked calm and collected on the outside, but inside, he was just bundle of nerves ready to explode — or to fall apart and just cry. He couldn’t even bear Matt’s company, because every time he was around him, Brian wasn’t sure he could carry on pretending. The mask he wore for the better part of his life was getting thin. So he just discarded the butt into an ashtray and aimed for a door with emergency exit sign. But before they could bury him in dark hallways, firm hand gripped his shoulder and pulled him back to the daylight, obdurately, but still —somehow — gently.
“I won’t let you go, before you tell me what’s wrong,” Matt stated, blocking Brian’s only exit with his own body.
“There’s nothing wrong,” Brian answered, wanting nothing but escape far away from Matt’s demanding figure. Too close…Brian wasn’t able to face him. Nor when his lies sounded fake even to him.
“Bri…” Matt sighed, looking like he was fighting with himself. And then, something changed in his features and he spoke up again. “When Jimmy died, I swore to myself, that if any of my friends will be falling apart in front of my eyes like he did, I won’t let it go. Because I did leave him alone Brian. I was naive, I believed foolishly that everything was alright, trusted he will be fine…I won’t go down that road again…” Matt’s voice cracked in the end, but he kept his gaze fixed on Brian’s face.
Brian’s head shoot up, suddenly glaring straight into Matt’s hazel orbs. “How dare you to bring Jimmy into this shit?” he growled lowly.
Matt cocked his head, slightly surprised. “I will bring him again, if it makes you realize that I just wanna help you.”
“You wanna help me? Well, than leave me the fuck alone!” Brian was more pissed with every second. His mood-swings were bad his whole life, but right now, it was immensely worse, when he was at the end of his tether.
“Than why the hell did you tell me this was my fucking fault?” Matt snapped out, losing his last nerve. “Why is it my fault, that you can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t talk to anyone without starting an argument, or that you don’t have even enough energy to walk up the stairs anymore? Why am I the reason you need to get wasted into unconsciousness every night? Why, Brian?” Matt wasn’t sure himself, if he was more angry, or desperate. His throat tightened, more and more with every word.
Brian watched him silently, as he sighed and leaned against a concrete wall. He couldn’t even recall talking to Matt last night. But apparently, he did. I was drunk, he wanted to say, I didn’t even know what I was saying. Well, it was the truth, kind of.
But he knew Matt wouldn’t buy this bullshit anymore. He saw two possibilities — tell the truth, or run away. Running away appeared as an ‘easy way out’. But he was so tired of pretending. He was tired of constant lies. He was tired of living in the first place. “I cannot take it anymore…” he breathed out eventually, eyes fixed on the grey concrete.
“Take what?”
I know it’s hurting you, but it’s killing me.
“You.” It took almost all of his power remains, but he managed to look up and met hazel eyes of his friend.
Matt opened his mouth, but closed it again when he realized he had nothing to say. Surprised, confused…not able to comprehend.
“You know, it was alright for years. I was able to deal with you being around, deal with you being my best friend, bandmate, roommate…” Brian said quietly, slowly reaching for the doorknob, stepping cautiously around Matt. His gaze was burning hole into his back. “But then you proposed Val to marry you. And I realized how naive I was, thinking you might…one day…” Brian’s voice wavered, emotions getting too strong to bear. His sweaty palm clutched the metal knob like his last resort. “And your wedding…was the final breaking point.” He felt tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, but he needed to say it all, he needed to finish this. He had gone too far to back up. So he gathered all the energy left in him, all courage he ever had.
“I love you.”
Black heavy doors slammed shut behind him, leaving him in the darkness of the long corridor. But he didn’t linger there, he needed to get as far as he could. He ended up tucked in small space next to the stage, where he couldn’t be spotted due to equipment of several band scheduled to play before Avenged came up. Right now, Rob Zombie showed his best, but Brian didn’t pay any attention. Couldn’t.
He knew it was a mistake. He knew he fucked up. It was all because Matt brought him to the very edge of his nerves. He made him unsure, weak and insecure. He said, that after Jimmy’s death…
Jimmy…
But he couldn’t bring back time, nor his confession. His secret was revealed and there was nothing he could do about it, he had to walk the fallout on his own.
Just one more week. Just two more shows.