Second Heartbeat

“Have you seen Brian?” Matt asked, when he stepped into their dressing room.

Zacky looked up from his guitar he was tuning up. “Nope. I thought you talked to him.”

“I did. Two hours ago.” Matt dropped himself on the couch next to Zacky, quiet sight leaving his lips. “But since then, he’s nowhere to be seen and we’re on in half an hour.”

“Did you figured out something?”

I love you.

Matt shook his head wordlessly, staring at the ceiling, confused as never before. He didn’t know how to deal with the strange heaviness that settled in his stomach after Brian told him…

I love you.

It was something he didn’t expected in million years to happen. He could have imagined Brian telling him any other reason. He half-expected him to come up with some lame excuse and ran away either. But this caught him literally off guard.

Throughout last years in high school and first years of touring with Avenged, he remembered having a huge crush on his lead guitarist. But it kind of faded, when Val began being closer to him. And somewhere along the way, she settled in his heart, leaving Brian there only as a friend again. He honestly thought that he was over him. But after his confession — he wasn’t so sure anymore.

I love you.

Three words that ripped his heart open, but sewed it oddly shut again. It brought memories he pushed out from his consciousness back into the light. Memories that remind him old times. Old times, when everything was perfect. When Jimmy was still around.

“Hey, man…y’a still here?”

He yanked himself back to reality as something pinched his side. It took him a moment to realize that Zacky was probably speaking to him the whole time.

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“Where the fuck is Haner?!” their manager showed up suddenly ten minutes before they were destined to kick off the show.

They exchanged unknowing looks.

“Great. When was the last time you’ve seen him?”

Matt opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Brian stepped out of the shadows of amplifiers. He didn’t uttered a single word, he just aimed for the stairs that led to the stage, his wavering pace and hunched shoulders giving away the real extent of his exhaustion.

“Is he going to make it through?” Arin asked hesitantly.

Zacky shrugged his shoulders. “Guess we’ll find out.”

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It was one of the worst shows Matt could recall. Usually, he relished in the adoration the crowd was giving him, but tonight, he was only seeking the end of this torture. He was literally counting down on remaining songs, while glancing at Brian’s side of the stage in every moment he could. The guitarist looked paler with every minute that passed by, describing him as exhausted would have be an understatement of the year. Matt caught with the corner of his eye Jason Berry giving him a shot of energy drink several times, but it didn’t seem to work at all by the time Buried Alive came up.
Matt couldn’t focus on his performance anymore, he didn’t care how many times he fucked up his lyrics. He just wanted this to end. He watched Brian on the riser playing his solo, noticing how thin he really became and how fragile he looked because of it. The cocky guitarist with an attitude were gone. And it was his fault. He should have noticed a long time ago. When wasn’t too late.

Never too late.

After the show, they headed straight to the hotel they were supposed to spend the night in. The drive was dead silent, none of them in any mood to speak. And Brian was just too tired to do anything at all. He knew he overestimated his powers, dizziness getting better part of him. His brain just shut down altogether. But it was good though, because in this state, he couldn’t think about Matt’s warm hand placed between his shoulder-blades during their way into the car, or his warm presence on his side the whole drive. He couldn’t even bring himself to protest, when the singer helped him out of the car and supported him with his strong arms the whole way from car to his room. He didn’t realize the reality anymore, when he was dropped gently on the soft bed. His body gave up entirely as he drifted into unconsciousness.

Matt sighed heavily as he sat on the edge of Brian’s bed. He watched the pale face relax, thin lips parting slowly. He couldn’t help but reached his hand and drew one of the dark strands of silken hair aside from Brian’s sharp sculpted face. He was beautiful like this, but still, it wasn’t hard to notice how older he grew in the past few months. Wrinkles on his face wasn’t caused just by laughter anymore. And it was all Matt’s fucking fault.

He was the reason Brian was falling apart. He missed all the signs again. He watched his lead guitarist go down without even something like second thought. He felt suffocated with his own feelings. Guilty, desperate to help Brian, but powerless to do so at the same time. It was tearing him apart. He lived his fucking fairytale without a single care in the world.
As he watched Brian’s calm, yet tired face, he had to admit - even if just to himself - that he was wrong all the years. Dark-haired man still held a significant place in his heart. The entire time, he was more than friend to him. With the dead-silent hotel room surrounding him, it came to him full-force, that he wasn’t over Brian at all.

But he still didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Help Brian - sure, but he was clueless how to do that.
It was when the numbers on an alarm clock on a nightstand switched to 2 AM, when his body gave up and he fell asleep next to Brian.