These Four Words

”They are probably still sleeping right now,” I murmured to myself finding any excuse to get off of this wraparound porch inside of the perfect white picket fence. I could take this all back and leave before anyone saw me. My parent’s home wasn’t too far from here, they could drive by any moment and see me standing outside of his door any minute. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I bit back a groan when I remembered all of what I did last night. I keep telling myself it was because I was intoxicated.

“I can do this,” I told myself trying to find the strength to ring the doorbell. This was my closure. I was going to fight my demon head on. I had to fight this demon head on in order to move on. I was done running. I was done pretending to be someone I’m not because of my past. I was done letting Kyle control me. I quickly lifted my hand and ran the doorbell without a second thought. Seconds ticked by and I wanted to chew on the ends of my nails, I didn’t though. I needed to appear confident. I was confident.

“Sorry to keep you waiting I wa—“ The woman stopped midsentence to stare at me. Caroline looked much older; she aged what looked like ten years since I last saw her at graduation. Caroline’s long curly hair, that I used to be so envious of, was now short and dull. Her skin that was normally full of a deep tan, looked pale as if she hadn’t seen the light in a long time. Her big brown eyes didn’t have the same spark. The woman standing in front of me wasn’t the fiery girl I grew up with. No, she was the mold that Kyle put her into. I wanted to reach out and hug her. I know exactly what it feels like to have someone suck all of the life out of you.

“Erin?” She asked with disbelief and that is when I finally noticed the baby girl situated on her hips. She looked like her father; it took all my control not to flinch at the sight. A man like him shouldn’t have something so innocent.

“Caroline,” I breathed forcing a smile on my face.

“What are you doing here?” Caroline’s forehead creased, as she looked me up and down. I quickly glanced down and thought my skinny jeans and sweater looked decent enough. I wasn’t quite sure what you wear to see your rapist and his family. I tried to wipe the thin layer of sweat off my upper lip without her noticing. How could it be almost eighty degrees in January?

“I uh—“ I shifted my weight from one foot to another. “I need to talk to Kyle.” Her lips turned downwards.

“I don’t think that is a good idea,” She went to shut the door.

“Please,” I took a step forward. “I just need closure. You can give me that, right?” She looked like she was about to slam the door in my face just as I caught a glance of Kyle.

“Who is at the door?” His voice caused me to shiver, it has haunted my dreams and ruined my life. I wanted to run. I wanted a smoke. Caroline reluctantly opened the door farther so Kyle could get a good look at me. I straighten up a little bit more. He needs to know that he doesn't scare me anymore.

“Erin,” Kyle grinned. “How lovely to see you. I must say we did miss you at the wedding.”

I smiled, “I was preoccupied.”

“Ah yes, I heard you moved to the big city. How is Vogue treating you?” A glimmer in his eyes made take a step back. He knew that I’ve been in the city all along.Deep breaths

“How?” I mumbled out.

“Come in,” He paused moving out of the way so I had enough room to squeeze in the doorway. “Caroline was about to start breakfast.” Before I could protest Kyle reached out and yanked me into their home. As soon as I was inside he slammed the door and proceeded to lock it. “Break-ins lately,” Kyle winked.

“Can we talk somewhere?” I asked trying to keep my voice from wavering. “I can’t stay long, my parents are expecting me.”

Kyle tusked. “Last I heard your parents were visiting your brother in Key Largo.” I swallowed thickly.

“Well you heard wrong.” I stood my ground as he studied me with his empty eyes.

“Lets talk in my study.”

“Lead the way.” Kyle smirked at my newfound confidence. Caroline was left scouring around in the kitchen as Kyle led me upstairs. I felt as if this was the lion leading his prey to his den. I felt the cold metal of the pocketknife I stuck in my boot and smiled. If he tried anything, I was going to be ready. Kyle stopped at the first door and opened it, gesturing for me to go first. I practically ran inside and took a seat. I glanced around taking in the deep and dark mahogany. There weren’t any family pictures anywhere in his office. I did see two large Mac computers and a ton of old law books. I wanted to scoff, knowing there was no way Kyle had actually read any of those.

“So what do I owe this pleasure, Erin?” Kyle walked closer to me and leaded in. “Or should I say Ophelia?”

“It’s Erin,” I told him through gridded teeth.

“Right, should I send my thanks to Jonnyboy for that?”

“Do you do anything else with your life other than torment me?”

Kyle actually had the audacity to laugh. “You are my life.” Kyle flicked a piece of my hair and I flinched back. “You know I was planning a visit soon.” I didn’t know what to say to that. I was speechless. “You can’t keep running off to go sleep with those boys. You are mine.” Kyle grabbed me by my ponytail, yanking my head back. “I miss your soft body. Last time I was in you, you couldn’t stop crying.” Kyle rolled his eyes. “I missed it when you were high off your ass and you didn’t remember what was going on around you. A much better fuck then.” I grabbed Kyle’s wrist and pried his dirty hands off of me.

“That isn’t why I am here, Kyle.”

“So you didn’t want me to take you over my desk? Caroline doesn’t mind.”

“I came here to get closure from you,” I told him crossing my hands over my chest.

“Can’t I just get one more taste of your wet pussy?” Kyle teased. His eyes darkened when he realized I wasn’t fazed by his words. “You didn’t actually think you could walk in here and expect me to apologize? If you did you are more stupid than I originally thought.” I internally smirked knowing that I was getting a rise out of him.

“I came here so we could both move on,” I told him getting up.

“You will never be able to move on from me. After what I gave you.” He reached to caresses me and I took a step back. “Especially after what you did when you moved to New York.” He smirked and I lost all the color from my face. “You didn’t think I would know?” He laughed grabbing my throat. “I know everything.” I swiftly brought my knee up and hit him in his balls, causing him to release his hold on me.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” I told him growling. “Never again.”

“You grew a fucking backbone.” Kyle looked me up and down impressed. “I bet you would be fun tied up.”

“You are sick piece of shit and you know what? I don’t need closure from you. I have enough of it seeing you here with your family and you are still miserable. You have nothing and even less than I do. I didn't think I would see the day where you were more miserable than I was! But guess what Kyle? You were always more miserable and pathetic than I could ever be.”

Kyle looked momentarily stunned before his eyes darkened again. “I wont hesitate to kill you.” I reached down and yanked the small knife out of my boot, pressing it against his throat before he hand a chance to react. “I am going to walk out of your house and you are going to leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to see you and I surely don’t want to hear from you.”

He smirked at me, “You look so hot right now.” I pressed the knife into his throat until I saw some blood slowly drip out of the opening. “Okay, okay.” Kyle held his hands up. “Leave then.” I took a few steps back and remained on guard. I studied him before I decided to get the fuck out of this house before his mood flipped.

“Have a miserable fucking life, Kyle.” I told him exiting the office and practically running out of the house. I didn’t bother to say my goodbyes to Caroline. I got out of the damn house as fast as my feet would take me. I climbed into my rental car and back out of their driveway faster than necessary. I waited until the house was out of view before I let out a large breath. I wasn’t scared of Kyle. I felt this weight being lifted off my shoulders. He no longer intimidated me. I pitted him, I pitted Caroline, and I sure as hell pitted their poor daughter.

Kyle, in a strange way, was right. I wasn’t going to find closure by talking to him. I know I needed to come clean to the men in my life. The actions that I had done to protect them were also to protect me. I was selfish and I didn’t trust anyone with my heart. How could I? I was left disappointed more times than I could count because I put my heart in the wrong hands. I was just afraid that this secret I was keeping could push away the men that I loved. I smiled as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t need to worry about this right now. I just tackled one of my biggest fears. If I could do that, I could do anything.



“Are you sure you are ready?” The man attached to me yelled, trying to hold back his growing smile. I tried to smile but the wind quickly forced my mouth shut again. I gave him thumbs up and he pulled me closer to him. “On the count of three. One, Two, and three!”

I screamed as he launched our weight out of the exit on the plane. My stomached dropped as we were free falling. I felt the adrenaline pump through my veins. I craved this. I needed this excitement in my life. I almost forgot how good this feeling was. When I was younger, I used to do crazy shit like this all the time. When I first moved to California, the first thing I did was go night surfing with a bunch of guys I just met. We ended up getting stuck in a bull shark migration, not being able to see anything. This was so much better though. Cutting through the air with nothing on your mind.

“Pull the cord,” The instructor told me and I happily obliged. Yanking the cord roughly so that our parachute would stop our decent. The kickback caused me to lose my stomach one more. When our speed became manageable I let out my “war cry.” I was happy to be doing insane things like this again. I glanced down below me and was memorized by the endless strip of beach and crystal water. I kicked my legs, enjoying the feeling of flying. Soon we were almost at the strip of beach. Three of the groups were already collecting their parachutes and waving wildly towards me. My favorite being the old lady who told me this was her first time doing anything like this. I made her promise me that she would try hang-gliding, she agreed.

“Relax your body,” I did as told as we braced for our small impact. We landed without a problem and I was detached from my instructor. He gave me a high-five and told me that I did great. I don’t know how you can jump out of a plane in a bad way, but I didn’t mention that to him.

“Oh deary! That was just brilliant!” Susana, the older lady ran up to me.

“It was a lot of fun, wasn’t it?” Her face lit up.

“Oh the most fun I’ve had in ten years!”

I frowned slightly, “Why now?” I was the last group to land, so the instructors began to lead us to the vans that would take us back to the small airport.

“Oh,” Susana chuckled. “My husband died a few months ago. I lived so much of my life focused on him and us, that I never even thought about doing so reckless.” She didn’t seem upset about that notion. She waited her entire life to be selfish.

I shook my head. “I don’t understand how you did that.”

Susana grabbed my hand and gave me a small squeeze. “I did it because I love my husband very much. I would have given up everything for it to just be him and me for the rest of time. I think that Richard was pleased with the fact that he developed cancer. He was always upset that I had to give up so much to be with him. Let me tell you missy, when you find that special someone it doesn’t matter what stands in your way. You will go through hell and high water in order to just look at them.” She stopped walking and looked me in the eye. “You can never give up hope. When you stop believing in love, you lose the greatest gift of life.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Everyday of my life but I also know that he is looking down at me. Richard is still finding ways to surprise me and love me, even dead.”

“How so?”

“Today he led me to you.”

I laughed, “What is so special about me?”

“You are me and I am you. I see a lot of myself in you. I can see you are running from something or maybe someone. Let me give you the best advice my mother gave me, stop running and stop hiding. If you keep living in the past or in the future, your entire life is going to pass you without so much as a warning. Be present and go fight for that guy.”

“How did you know?”

Susana winked, “I forgot to mention that I am a reader.” I just laughed and hoped into the van. Susana was right. I was going to fight, but for who? I still wasn’t sure.