Breathing Under Water

Lilly was not anywhere in the cafeteria. I looked for her. (A couple of times.) I briefly imagined her eating in the bathroom. I'd heard of people doing that, but hoped it wasn't actually true. Besides Lilly wasn't that unpopular.

I stopped at a table,where I thought she usually sat, and asked if anyone had seen her. A pleasant looking Hispanic girl with thick framed glasses answered me. She had a slightly thick accent and wore quite a bit of floral print.

"Lilly, is probably sitting on the bleachers. She likes to be outside and kind of does her own thing, Miss Floral stated.

She smiled at me with full red lips and invited me to sit at her table. I was pretty sure she wouldn't mind having me for lunch from the predatory look in her eye.

I politely said,"No thank you, but I appreciate the help."

She flashed her thick lashes and said, "I'll see you around, Sean. You are Sean? From the football team?"

I nodded and stepped away with a quick salute goodbye. She was pretty and I was almost certain named, Lucy. I already had someplace to be though and a pretty girl I wanted to be with.

Lilly was sitting on the bleachers by the football field. She was on the top bench with her lunch sitting beside her. It looked like an english muffin and a Diet Coke.

She was picking the bread apart and eating small pieces as she flipped through a thick looking text book. I carried my sandwich and chip bag with me and sat down on the bench in front of her. She did not acknowledge my arrival.

Lilly continued her reading and I sat and ate my sandwich. It was a rather uncomfortable silence until I opened my chips. Then the crunching every few seconds made her look up.

"Excuse me?" she said looking pointedly at my Doritos.

"Want some?" I asked lifting the bag up to her level.

"Are you serious?"she asked back. Her eyebrows went down and she looked a little disgusted.

"They're the sweet and spicy flavor. You don't know what your missing. " I watched the horror on her face as I continued munching.

"Did you want something?"she asked closing her book sharply.

"Well I did want to apologize for the other day and-"

"You're doing a terrible job," she cut in.

"I know. I terrible with talking to people,"I admitted. "It's like my foot is permanently in my mouth. I never say what I want the right way."

"So, what do you want?"she asked.

"I'd like to sit and eat with you. I'd also like to discuss you possibly helping me with pre calc."

Lilly didn't respond at first. She looked uncomfortable and took a long swallow of Diet Coke. Then she cleared her throat and said, "I prefer to eat alone."

"Why?" I asked, because keeping my mouth shut would have been to damn simple.

"Because I'm fucking skinny,okay? People see me eating chips or a cupcake and they say I'm bulimic. If I have a salad then I must be anorexic. I don't like people judging my body or what I put into it. You get me?"

"So... lunch is a bad idea. Do you want to talk after?"

"About what?"

"How miserable I am in Mrs. Evans class and why you're going to take pity on me," I said hopefully.

" What is your problem? Why are you talking to me, Sean. You don't know me. You don't like me. That is okay. I accept your apology and you don't need make it more than that. We both know you asking me to the prom was a lazy attempt to get in my panties. Let's move past it and have a nice life, shall we?"

Lilly's big blue eyes were flashing and her shoulders we rigid. She didn't look angry, just determined. It didn't matter that she was wearing a huge sun hat that made her look extremely small. I felt even smaller.

She was being honest. I appreciated that, but it also scared me. I felt like I needed to defend myself and I couldn't find the right way to do it. What could I say? I decided on the truth.

"You're right, Lilly. I don't know you. I'd like to though. Maybe you don't want to know me, and if not... Oh well, I guess. You are really skinny and I didn't really want to ask you out. It was my friends idea. I'm should have wanted to though, because you're smart and you speak your mind. I also find those freckles on your nose fucking adorable. That's not really relevant, but I felt like saying it."

"Are you sure that your one of the popular jocks?"Lilly asked after a short silence.

"I'm not really. I'm the big quiet one that hangs out with the popular jock if you were to ask anyone."

"You talk a lot for the quiet one," Lilly remarked gathering up her things. I followed her down the bleachers to the field and we stood there for a few minutes.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" I asked. She looked up at me and shrugged.

"I'll be here. You do what you want."

She certainly wasn't the girl from my dream. She wasn't pulling me to her and dragging me under. So why did I still feel like I was drowning?