Breathing Under Water

The girls bathroom was empty. No one saw me breath heavy and grip the porcelain sink. No one witnessed my body shaking as I looked into the mirror.

My fingers traced over the freckles on my nose. They were fucking adorable. That's what Sean Pelletier had told me. What a strange thing to say.

I had been uncomfortable in my skinny body for sixteen years. I'd waited for and been disappointed by breasts and hips that never came. Puberty had been a crushing non-event. Of all the things to say about me, he liked my freckles.

Well, he'd also said that I was smart and outspoken. Both were true. I was very smart and able to speak my mind -

with only a small lisp. I had gone to a speech therapist and rarely stumbled on my S' anymore.

I had a lot of great qualities. So why was I so suspicious of a boy wanting to know me? My face heated just thinking about it and I had to splash my cheeks with water from the sink.

Water dripped down my neck and onto my blouse. As usual I was very covered up. Long sleeves and a long skirt. I was so tired of hiding myself.

I was so tired of being judged for the way my body looked. Everyone thought I had an eating disorder, because my bones stuck out in all the wrong places. They called me names all through middle school. Girls used to mimic shoving their fingers down their throats as I ate lunch.

That had stopped for the most part in high school but I still felt that my body was somehow wrong. I wasn't built like other girls. It made me feel like less of a woman. I never had the attention from boys that the other girls did.

Was that going to change? I thought of Sean and my heart beat unevenly in my chest. He thought the freckles on my nose were adorable. I had freckles all over my body. Would he ever see the rest of them?

I tried to be the calm and rational person that I was ninety-nine percent of the time. Old insecurities and suppressed female hormones made for a bad combination though. I felt like my carefully built walls had cracks forming in them.

Taking a deep breath, I stared at my reflection. The girl looking back at me was strong person. I was not going to be rattled by a little attention from a boy. I was not going to be afraid.

I was tired of hiding myself. Not just my body, but myself as a person. I didn't have any real friends or people that I spent time with.

It would be nice to have someone to talk to. (Even if it as about pre-calculus.) If Sean really wanted my help, I decided that I would give it to him. He wouldn't get anything else from me though.

Even though my heart raced in my chest, I still controlled it. I would never surrender such a vital organ to someone like Sean. He would smash it to pieces and I would have no one to blame but myself.

The breeze was perfect and the sun was warm. I turned my face up to the sky as I walked through the school parking lot.It was the first day of May and almost Summer. The best and brightest time of year.

The last few classes of the day had dragged. I was ready for sweatpants and relaxation. My body was still a little tense, despite deep breathing in the bathroom earlier. I had tried not to think about Sean, but he was hard to miss in the hallway or the parking lot...

He was tall. Definitely over six feet. He had big shoulders and a broad chest. When he crossed his arms, I saw some very interesting muscles bulging.

Sean was leaning against his Jeep when I walked by. One hand was stuffed into his jeans and the other was holding up his phone. His dark brown hair was falling a little bit into his eyes as he looked down to read a text.

Despite being big, Sean had a softness to him. He looked almost cuddly, if that was the right word. He was obviously athletic, but didn't look like he lived in a gym.

He looked like good hugger. I could just imagine being wrapped up in his muscular arms. Maybe that would involve running my fingers through his thick, slightly curly hair as well.

Unfortunately, Sean chose that moment to look up from his phone. He caught me looking in his direction and waved. I resisted the urge to break eye contact and run for my car. My hand lifted and I actually waved back. It felt awkward, but surprisingly okay.