Breathing Under Water

I couldn't think of a time that I had ever payed so much attention to what a girl was wearing. I took the sight of skin so much for granted that I stopped noticing short shorts or crop tops. I wasn't going to claim that I didn't notice when a girl had good cleavage or a belly button ring.

I wasn't a liar or a monk. Of course I liked to see as much as I possibly could. I just had never appreciated the complete fucking mystery of not seeing anything.

Lilly was wearing a tank top. It was probably the fourth time in a row and I had the feeling that she finally gave in the hotter temperatures. She was still wearing a long skirt though and kept a text book held to her chest like armor.

I wanted to pull her English book away as she leaned against the locker next to mine. I wanted to pin her against the locker door and hike that long skirt up her legs. Her feet would hook behind my back and I'd grind right up against her-

"Sean, did you hear a word I just said?"

"Something about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."

"I can't read it. I've tried at least three times. I feel like a failure. Should I give it another chance?"

"Honestly, why bother? Obviously your not interested."

The words left my mouth. I thought about them. I was talking about the book right? Or maybe not.

I was getting to know Lilly and I genuinely liked her. She was sweet and smart as hell. I enjoyed her company at lunch and she even seemed to be adjusting to Clark. That itself was a small miracle.

Maybe she was just a friend though and it was foolish to hope for more..Maybe I was her Harry and she was my Hermione. (Lilly had recently gone over all seven of the Harry Potter books in detail) If all she wanted was a friend then why bother with the fantasizing?Obviously she wasn't interested.

"You okay?" Lilly asked.

"Ugh, yeah. I'm good. Are you ready for Mrs. Evans end of semester test? They're normally pretty brutal."

"I'm feeling confident. I think that I've studied a lot and have a pretty good handle on things. What about you?"

"Well, you see -"

"Sean, Lilly interupted. (Which was not uncommon) You were going to study yesterday after supper. What happened?"

"I wanted to run. It was so nice out and I couldn't seem to sit still," I tried to defend myself.

Lilly looked unimpressed by my excuse. She gave the hard blue stare that I was starting to get used to. The one that cut through all my bullshit and made me feel afraid.

"What am I supposed to do?" she asked. "I try to study with you at lunch, but... Clark happens. So that's a total lost cause. We don't see each other at any other classes. I guess we could stay after. I have piano lessons tonight, but maybe tomorrow?"

"Or you could come over to my house," I countered after a moment. "We could eat dinner. My Mom is big on carbs. It'll probably be spaghetti or some other type of sauce covered noodle."

I felt the need to warn her about my Mom's cooking. I'd never seen Lilly eat anything super high calorie. I wasn't sure how she would take Chicken Alfredo and Garlic Bread in front of my parents and I.

Lilly seemed to be sweating more than usual just at the thought of it. She held her text book impossibly tighter and backed away ever so slightly.

"Dinner," she repeated back to me. "That... makes sense. We can eat and study after. I'd really hate for you to do badly on this exam. All the time you've spent with me would be for nothing."

She said the last part so matter of factly. It was as if she didn't realize she was insulting herself. I wondered if she honestly thought pre-calculus was my only motivation to spend time with her?

"Can I carry that for you?" I asked motioning toward her book. As usual I had no idea what to say. I could do something helpful though.

She shook her head and replied, "No.I've got to go to my next class. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I can't wait,"I said as she moved to walk away. She paused and looked at me strangely. Her eyes made me afraid again.

"Is that meant to be sarcastic?" she asked. "If you really don't want to study, then that is all on you. It's not my problem if you don't pass and-"

"Lilly," I said breaking into her tirade. She took a deep breath and I continued, "I'm happy that I will see you tomorrow. That's all. No hidden meanings or sarcasm intended."