Feed the Flames

-celine’s pov-

One moment the room was calm, filled with the quiet sounds of pencils on paper, pages of books flipping, and the occasional yawn sounding from the back of the room. But then the bell rang, and students kicked up in a flurry. Books slammed closed, chairs scraped against the floor, and pencils were fumbled and some dropped, causing rushing students to bump into one another. Silence broken, chaos initiated. The rush of Monday was in full swing, the relaxation of the weekend gone.

The edges of my books pressed into my arms as I picked them up from the desk and then grabbed my messenger bag from the back of my chair, awkwardly pulling it over my head. Students rushed around me to get out of the room. Order was lost for the moment through students just wanting to get out. I was one of the last out of the room, being in no hurry. Ghost mode initiated as I left the classroom, the student body surrounding me lulled into no more than a dull murmur in my ears. I stared straight ahead, my walking pace brisk, but calm. Students parted for me without consciously acknowledging it. Without delay or a single pause in my step, I made my way to the cafeteria, picking up my food and shifting my books into one arm before making my way out to the courtyard. Students were still buzzing about, but had begun settling into their lunch breaks.

“Hey!” A familiar person almost jumped out in front of me, a large smile on his face, causing me to skid to a stop abruptly. Just like that my trance was broken, and I became visible. The voices of students surged back into my ears, someone bumped into my arm, making me sway and I tensed up. “Are you alright?” Frank asked, his brows furrowing, and I nodded forwardly, ignoring the students around us. I felt like they were invading my personally space. I lifted my tray slightly, as if to tell him I was on my way to go eat. “To the tree, yeah?” He assumed, and I nodded, rather content with the idea of getting away from the majority of the school for the time being. “Well, why don’t you sit with us today? Meet Bob, Mikey, Gerard, and Ray?”

With a slight wince, I shrugged, and Frank sighed, but didn’t seem annoyed. “You don’t have to say a word, just…meet ‘em. They’re nice, you’ll like them, I’m sure.” I bit down on my bottom lip, looking behind him to the rest of the courtyard, and then back at him. There was such a hopeful look on his face. I told him I would meet him for lunch Friday, but I didn’t go to classes that day either. My disdain of being around multiple people was going to keep me from joining them again today. I sheepishly shook my head, and his shoulders fell, but he had a small smile across his face. “That’s alright. Do you mind keep just me company then?” That I quickly nodded to. “Great. I’ll meet you in the usual place?” With another nod from me, Frank stepped around me, heading to get a tray, I presumed.

After making my way across the courtyard, I got to my usual place, and sat down against the tree. I sat my books next to me, and let my messenger bag rest on them. I sighed, looking at the food on the tray. A depressing salad, an apple, and a bottle of grape flavored water. I didn’t quite feel like eating, but opened the bottle of water and took a drink from it. Ever since I skipped that one day of school because I fell asleep on the roof the prior night, I had acquired a special hate for the halls. For the students, and the noise, and the…everything. I slept on the couch all day Thursday and woke up that night with horrible back pain. Friday through Sunday I read all day locked up in my room, only interrupted the once by Ronan giving me her number. My teachers questioned me today about the two days I skipped, but for those few days I wasn’t stressed and filled with anxiety. It was nice.

“So,” At the voice I snapped out of my daze, looking up at Frank as he sat down against the trees adjacent to mine. “I haven’t talked to you since the roof incident.” Frank sat his tray down in front of him, his legs crossed Indian-style as he looked at me. “That was…Thursday, and then you weren’t around Friday.” Frank moved his eyes from me, looking down at his own tray. “I-I was gonna ask Ronan about you, though I was interrupted, but I-I guess I’m just wondering if I did anything to upset you?” At this, my eyes narrowed slightly as I looked at Frank. He noticed this and began stuttering. “I mean, you’re kind of difficult to decipher sometimes.” I smiled at that, and grabbed my messenger bag, opening it and pulling out my notebook and a pen, turning to the last blank page before scribbling a note.

‘I’m fine. You’ve done nothing wrong.’ I tore off the portion of the paper I wrote the line on, and handed it to Frank. He took it from me and read it in a few seconds before his mood seemed to lighten.

“Well that’s good to know. For a moment there I thought my reading skills might’ve scarred you a bit.” I was about to go back to my notebook and write a short reply, but suddenly someone appeared, a head of curly brown hair poking in between the trees.

Before the guy could speak, Frank spoke up, his expression almost alarmed. “Ray, what the-”

“Sorry…Cell, is it?” The guy –who I now knew was Ray- spoke his apology quickly, seeming actually apologetic as he looked at me and smiled. I didn’t have time to question how he knew my name, but I could assume Frank told him. “Sorry, I need to borrow Frank for a moment.” Before I could blink Ray stepped in, grabbed Frank’s tray in one hand, and grabbing Frank by the shoulder of his sweater with his other. Frank scrambled to his feet, slipping out of the trees. I glanced around the tree, the two walking out of earshot before stopping. I couldn’t hear them, but Ray was gesturing about, and at one point pointed towards my general direction before grabbing Frank’s shoulder. Frank smiled, and took Ray’s arm, pulling his hand off his own shoulder before shaking his head. A few more words were exchanged before Ray’s shoulders fell and he seemed to resign the argument. Frank patted him on the shoulder and I quickly ducked back around the tree as he walked back.

“Hey,” I looked over at Frank as he poked his head around the trunk of the tree. “Will you be on the roof tonight?” I only had the time to nod before Frank grinned. “Great, I’ll be there.” With that he left without another word. I was confused and slightly concerned, but then again, lately I felt like I understood very little about people- especially the kids in this school. So, writing it off as a social thing I didn’t quite grasp, I took another drink from my water bottle, fished The Calling out of my bag, and got to reading.
______

By the end of lunch I had finished The Calling, and after I returned my tray to the cafeteria and started for my next class, I stopped in the middle of the hall. Staring straight ahead, students wlaked past but took no notice of me. I had two classes left. My teachers may notice if I don’t go to them but…no one else would. Besides, I’d felt like I’d had a knot in my stomach all day. Sickness is a decent reason for skipping class.

Without thinking, I started walking again, but instead of heading for the classroom, I headed for the stairs. I took them two at a time, and within a few moments I was on my floor and heading for the dorm. Pressing my shoulder to the door, and barely managing to keep a hold of my books as I held them in one arm, I pressed my thumb to the pad and the door opened. The air of the dorm felt clear and cool, a nice change from the halls. I let out a heavy breath before going to my room, letting my door close behind me. Being away from people and alone, the knot in my stomach finally began to dissipate. I felt like I was finally able to relax. Finally able to breathe.

It happened to me occasionally, ever since I started school. I just need a few days away from people in the school to get my mind together, get my nerves in check and my anxiety under control. So within next two hours I’d had a nice cold shower and had changed into pajamas. I sat in the floor, my back against my bed, my eyes scanning over all the books stacked against the wall. I just needed to read. Get a good book, get absorbed in it, get lost and hope to never be found.

My eyes landed on a familiar book, one I’d read many times over. The corners of the cover were upturned and fraying, and the spine was cracked so badly it was nearly falling apart. It was another by DeRosa; Asunder. My comfort book. I’d read it so many times I’d lost count. This was my second copy. The first I had given to…

The knot returned to my stomach and I pursed my lips as I sat back against my bed. I shouldn’t think about that. Happened years ago. Doesn’t matter anymore. Time has been kind enough to heal me; I shouldn’t try to rip open old wounds.

I opened the book, and let my fingers graze over the title before I turned a couple more pages to the first chapter. I put my bookmark in the book, and stood from the floor, grabbing a small notebook from the top of my dresser drawer with a pen clipped onto it before I slipped my shoes on and walked out of my room.

“Cell?” At the voice I turned my head towards the couch, startled. It was just nightfall, I knew Ronan was out of class, but I expected her to go straight to her room. But there she was, sat on the couch, staring at me with…was that concern in her eyes? “Are you feeling okay? I didn’t see you in art.” I opened my mouth as if I was about to speak, but settled on a nod before I quickly strode to the door, opened it, and walked out, praying I had just avoided more questions than I brought up. Sneaking out of the dorm in my pajamas, skipping classes, never speaking… I felt like at this point she was probably convinced I was either on drugs or selling them. Maybe both.

I took the steps slow, but finally made it to the top of them, and strode down the teacher’s hall. Usually I would’ve tiptoed, making sure each step was absolutely silent but tonight I strode boldly. Or perhaps it was carelessly. For the time, I didn’t care. Perhaps getting caught by a teacher and given detention for a week would be a good thing. Give me something to focus on besides Frank, even though when I stepped out onto the roof, the thing first I wondered was when he was going to get here.

Wait, no. I’m not up here for Frank. I’m not up here for him; I’m up here for me. This roof was my place, not his and not ours. It’s my reading spot, my secluded spot away from everyone. The one place I can go where no one bothers me. As I sat down on the ledge of the roof and swung my legs off, I let out a heavy breath. Did I come up here because of him? Because I know he’ll be here? Because even if I haven’t said any more than two words to him, I want to be around him more?

I want to be around him more. The thought frightened me. I didn’t like being around anyone. Frankly I found the thought of being even within two feet of someone else for longer than a couple minutes absolutely nerve-wracking, I chose to stay away from most people. I was attempting to get better around people because I had a roommate, and Ronan had been nice enough to be extremely understanding of me, but for me to begin coming out of my shell for a random guy who practically ambushed me in my isolated lunch spot?

He…he noticed me. No one does that, because I’ve made it that way. I’ve always conducted myself in a way that leaves me inconspicuous and forgettable. Forgettable. That’s what I was and what I wanted to remain. I didn’t want friends. I didn’t want connections. I wanted as few ties as possible. I wanted to be absolutely secluded from everyone. I wanted nothing tying me to this goddamned school, but when I heard footsteps behind me, I knew it was too late for that.

Frank sat down next to me quietly, swinging his legs off the building, and I looked over at him just as he grinned. “I’m getting better at not scaring the shit out of you, aren’t I?” Shaking my head with a smile I tried to fight, I looked down at the book in my lap. After a moment I heard Frank take a deep breath. “Look, I know I’ve asked this today already but…are you sure you’re alright?” I didn’t want to take note of the worrisome tone in his voice, but it was there, prominently taunting me it would seem. “I noticed you skipped your last two classes today. Not to mention you missed Friday.” With a sigh, I opened my notebook, unclipped my pen from the side of it, and started writing.

‘I don’t want you to worry about me.’ I tore the piece of paper off and handed it to Frank. He looked at it, reading over the words shortly before he let out a small chuckle.

“Well I can’t help that. I tend to worry about people I actually care about.” His eyes rested on mine, and I stared at him, needing only a second to comprehend his words. I returned to my notebook.

‘That’s the problem. I don’t want you to care about me. I don’t want ties to this place.’ Handing him the note after I wrote it, I watched his face, hoping to see maybe a frown. I hoped he’d say ‘Alright, that’s fine, if you don’t want connections to this place that’s fine.’

My hopes appeared rather farfetched with his reply. “You don’t have any ties to this place. Just me.” Then his voice grew thoughtful, his eyes narrowing in wonder. “Why don’t you want ties to this place?”

Pursing my lips for a moment, I had never wanted more to just begin spewing words. Instead I vigorously began writing. ‘Because I care about you-’ I stopped writing, staring at the words I’d written in horror. This was exactly why I practically stopped speaking. I quickly tore the page off and crumpled it up, tossing it off into the woods. I took a deep breath, ignoring the confusion on Frank’s face as I began to choose my words more carefully. ‘Human beings become attached easily to other people, objects, places, this damages one’s ability to sever ties. Becoming attached to someone is usually by way of emotions such as love or care or some sentiment that I try to distance myself from. I am not a fan of pain. Much less the pain associated with goodbyes.’ I read over what I wrote and took a deep breath, still rather uncomfortable with the words I’d chosen, but nevertheless I ripped off the page and handed it to Frank.

Frank furrowed his brows as he read, the expression on his face, but as he finished reading he looked up at me slowly. “So, you don’t want to get attached to me because you don’t like goodbyes?” He asked, and with a shy smile at the fact that he’d managed to discern what I was trying to tell him, I nodded. “But why would we have to say goodbye?”

Returning to the notebook, this note required far less thought. ‘Why wouldn’t we?’ I handed over the tiny piece of paper.

With a sigh after Frank read the words, he looked at me expectedly. “Name one reason we’d have to say goodbye.” He watched me, and I let out a breath, my eyes going out over the trees in front of us.

We’d have a lot of reason. Moving away from one another, getting in other relationships, realizing we’re not as great together as we thought we were, and unexpected death… That one was cause for one too many painful goodbyes. So finally I looked back at him, my eyes going to his hazel ones as I spoke. “Death.”

He chuckled then, breaking eye contact, looking down for a second as he kicked his feet against the building. “To be honest,” Frank looked back at me, sincerity on his face and seeping into his voice. “I think I’ve got a couple more years on this rock.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his words, a lighthearted laugh that I didn’t think I had anymore. With another sigh I took the book from my lap and clasped it against his chest. “Can’t get enough of my amazing reading skills?” He asked, and I moved off the ledge, sitting down on the roof with my back to the ledge, bringing my knees up and resting my arms on them as I leaned my head back. “Asunder by DeRosa Taper. And you’re having me read this while sitting on a rooftop in the middle of the night…” Frank whistled softly, and looked down at me. “A girl after my own heart.” I nudged him with my elbow, fighting a smile again. “Alright, alright, I’ll get to reading.” He flipped to the first page of the first chapter, and began reading.
______

Within two hours we were through the first three chapters. He could talk for hours and hours, and I could listen for even longer. It was strange to me that I wasn’t annoyed by him or that I wasn’t stressed out whenever I was around him. He took away everything that made me hate the world. He took away all of my problems, just washed them away with a smile and a few words. No one had been able to make me feel that way. Usually everyone stressed me out.

After another few hours he moved to sit next to me, still reading. Fatigue let me rest my head on his shoulder without worrying about my emotions anymore. My eyes scanned along the words as his voice read them perfectly without pause or difficulty. As I brought my eyes back to his face, I couldn’t fathom any kind of hurt or pain on his face, or imbedded in his eyes. No matter who came and went in my life, no matter how many goodbyes I say, he won’t be the victim of one.