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Scars Don't Heal When You Keep Cutting

Chapter Eleven

When I walk into the room, I see Ben and Sam chatting away. I also notice a small blush on Ben’s sweet little face, shaking his head furiously.

I take my seat next to Ben.

“Hey, you guys know what’s interesting?” I ask, gaining their attention.

“What?” Sam asks curiously, leaning closer. Ben just turns his head to face me.

“When I was in the hallway, someone told me that they shipped me and Ben,” I say amusingly, making Sam chuckle and Ben blush more.

“Ah, well, then I guess I’ll ship it too! How’s that?” Sam laughs. “We gotta get you guys a ship name!” So, me and Sam shot ship ideas at each other, most of them not even making sense until Ben suggested one.

“Eh, what about Brusnop? Wouldn’t that one be better than the ones you guys are naming?” I smile, liking the sound of it.

“Brusnop,” Sam says with a nod, considering it. “Bru-snaaaaaaaahp. Hmm. Brusnop it is!”

“Well,” I chuckle, throwing an arm around Ben’s shoulders. He flinches a little bit, but quickly calms down. “We’re Brusnop!” I take my arm down when I pull my granola bar out of my pocket and take it out of the wrapper. I break it in half and offer the bigger half to Ben, being the awesome friend I am. He pushes it away and shakes his head, telling me he didn’t want it.

“You’re parents love to stuff you up at home, huh?” I chuckle. He nods.

“Can I have it, Danny?” Sam asks for the half of the granola bar.

“Nope! I don’t share food with anybody, but Ben’s an exception!” I say.

“Awh, please?”

“Fine, but only because you’re trying to be Ben’s friend. But this is the last time I’m sharing my food with you,” I say, giving him the smaller half of the granola bar instead of the one I offered Ben. He takes it, raising an eyebrow at my words. It’s okay, because I don’t fucking care whether or not people know I’m gay or not.

I just haven’t told my parents yet. I don’t think I will until I move out. I don’t know if they’re homophobic or not.

We spend the rest of lunch, just sitting there, talking, inviting Ms. King into it occasionally, because she’s cool like that.

<><><>

Before I knew it, it was the last class of the day. What’s funny about this class is the fact that Sam’s in this class too but I never noticed. Probably because his desk is in the back corner of the room, while I’m in the front corner, diagonally across from him. It’s nice to know that I actually have a friend in another class, I guess.

We’re free to do whatever the fuck we wanted, since we had a substitute, and this substitute was awesome as fuck and said we could do whatever and started blasting Slipknot through his headphones (which devastated half of the class).

So, that’s why Sam is on his knees next to my desk, playing some game on his iPhone. I had out my notebook, writing a bunch of stuff that came to mind down.

‘I was meant to make you smile!
I was meant to make you shine!’


I stare at the words I just wrote. Now, where did that come from?

“Did you say something, mate?” Sam asks me, pulling me out of my trance.

“I said that out loud?” He nods.

“I randomly wrote this,” I tell him, staring down at the words. He smiles when he reads them.

“Maybe about Ben? You are trying to make him smile, and shine, you know?,” Sam suggests with a shrug. I nod, staring down at the words.

I guess I’m in this Benworld way too much, and this here is proof.

“Oh, and can I read what you got in that notebook?” Sam asks. I shrug and nod, why the hell not? He takes the notebook off the desk and I watch as he reads. He flips through the pages, making it obvious that he likes what he’s reading. After flipping to a certain page and reading, he chuckles.

Murderous! My kind of thing!” Sam chuckles with a smile. I raise an eyebrow at him.

“What?” I ask. He puts the notebook down and points at a full stanza.

‘Oh, the bullet’s gone!
I take this spade, I slit your throat!
You fall into your grave!
I cover up my tracks, I’m done!
I won’t kill again!
I said that’s it, I’m done!’


I smirk at my work. Forgot about that one!

“You could make a song about this!” Sam suggests. I shrug again, not really fancying the idea of writing a whole song about killing and slitting throats with things that weren’t made to be doing such.

“Eh, maybe one day.” Not exactly a lie, writing songs does sound quite enjoyable.

“Oh, I wanna ask you this question that randomly popped up in my mind!” Sam chirps. I raise an eyebrow again.

“Shoot.”

“Do you like Ben?” he asks as he leans closer to me.

“Damn, is it really that obvious?” I ask him, feeling myself blush. He leans back, a bit shocked.

“N-no, I was just asking, you know?” he says. Fuck, Sam probably hates me.

“Are you homophobic?” I mutter sadly without thinking first.

“No, no, my girlfriend is bisexual, actually!” he chuckles, smiling now. I found it kinda amusing that he felt he had to bring up his girlfriend’s sexuality to prove his point. “You and Ben would be cute together.”

That didn’t help my blush at all. I’m probably red like a fucking tomato.

“Let’s change the subject now. I saw you in that fight yesterday,” Sam chuckles. I chuckle as I remember yesterday afternoon.

“Yeah, he deserved it,” I say.

“What’d he do?”

“He said something I didn’t like,” I shrug.

“What’d he say?”

“He called Ben a freak,” I answer with a frown. Sam does the same.

“Yeah, almost everyone calls him that,” he starts, making me frown more. “There’s a decent amount that leaves him alone, but still a lot who fucks with him.”

“Why would they do that to him?” I ask, trying to get more information.

“I don’t know. I only started attending school here a couple weeks ago, to be honest. You can ask one of my friends at the party this Friday. I’m sure they’ll tell you.”

“Why didn’t they tell you?”

“They didn’t want me to join in on the bullying.”

“Why didn’t they try to help?”

“They know how he likes to keep to himself, and he hates talking to people.”

“But what makes you think they’ll tell me?”

“Because I know they know that you're his best friend. But I can tell you that I hear people whispering about you guys sometimes. They say you have a lot of guts and you’re risking your reputation.”

“Are you serious? Why?”

“That, you’ll have to ask my friends.”

I wanna know right fucking now, but he doesn’t know either! So what the fuck can I do about it? Fucking nothing.

And why do they think it’s so hard being Ben’s friend? He’s so sweet and caring and adorable and soft and he smells so good! Why can’t they just give him a chance?

Sam finally gave him a chance after two weeks, and he likes Ben.

I gave Ben a chance, and I love Ben.

Ms. King gave him a chance, too. She’s quite fond of Ben. She likes me and Sam a lot just for being his friend.

I can’t help but wonder why Trenton’s one of her favorite students, because when he hangs out with the two of us, he acts like Ben’s not even standing right fucking next to me.

But I can’t help but to find Trenton kinda fun to be around. Maybe it’s how excitable and hyper he is. He’s just so happy and carefree and it’s pretty contagious.

I wish it would rub onto Ben, make him a bit happier.

Maybe even smile.

“Hey, Sam?” I ask him.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I’ll ever get Ben to smile for me?” Sam merely chuckles and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Danny! It’s only been three days! You’ll see him smile eventually!” Sam explains. I nod. He’s right, I shouldn’t stress over the lack of his smile so soon. It’s only been three days.

But three days is a lot to wait.

<><><>

Trenton ended up dragging me out of the school building. I felt guilty, because Ben usually walks with me after school. I felt better when I saw Ben walking with Sam and some other girl. She was giggling and poking his cheek that wasn’t bruised, making him flinch. Sam laughs.

“I invited that boy and that girl over there, too! You see them?” Trenton chirps, pointing at Sam and the girl. I nod.

“Yeah, the guy’s Sam. He’s my friend,” I inform him.

“Cool!” He suddenly stops walking. “My big brother Waldo’s gonna pick me up here. Bye, Danny!”

“Bye, Trenton!” With that, I wave and run over to Sam and Ben and the girl. I trip halfway there, but they didn’t seem to notice.

But Ben did.

He turned around and walked over to me. Sam and the girl didn’t even notice him leave their side. Ben crouches down next to me.

“I would help you up, but I’m kinda weak,” he says shyly. I nod the best I can.

“It’s no problem, Benji!” I chirp. “How was your hump day so far?” He raises an eyebrow, amused by my choice of words.

“Hump day? Is it like, the day you fuck people?” he asks. I laugh.

“You’re dirty minded! I thought you were innocent!” I chuckle at him.

“You thought wrong, Dan,” he says as I try to get up. He grabs onto my arm and pulls, trying to help me up. He’s not as weak as he made himself out to be.

“How was your hump day?” I ask him again. He shrugs.

“Well, I didn’t hump anyone, so I don’t know,” he says with a straight face, which is usually how he talks. I laugh at his view of hump day. I explain to him why we call Wednesday ‘Hump Day’, and he nods understandingly.

“It was pretty good, but not as good as Monday.”

“How so?” I ask him, raising an eyebrow.

“I got a new friend today, but on Monday, I got you.” I blush and pull him in for a hug, liking his words, but he flinched out of my grasp.

“Sorry, Danny,” he apologizes, avoiding eye contact. I smile sadly at him.

“No, I’m sorry. I should know you’re not a person for hugs at all.” He shakes his head.

“No, no, it’s my fault.”

“How?”

Silence.

“Nevermind.”

“No, why do you freak out so much when I hug you?” I ask him, remembering all the times he freaked out when I held him. It was only twice that I held him without him freaking out like that. The night he slept over at my house. The first time, I was holding him in my sleep while he was writing in his journal, which he quickly moved out of my arms when I woke up. The second time was when I woke up in the morning and we were practically cuddling.

“It’s, uh, no reason.”

Another mystery to solve.

Sam claims that his friends knows the answer to some of the questions I have about Ben, so I’ll be sure to talk to them on Friday. I’m quite sure Sam would like to know, too, so I’ll tell him what I find out.

<><><>

“I’m home!” I shout as I step into the house.

Silence.

“And I brought Ben!”

“Welcome!”

Oh, so you can reply to my friend, but you can’t reply to me? Oh well, at least they like Ben, so I’m pretty happy.

I drag Ben upstairs to my room and close the door behind me. I offer him a wide smile.

“My parents love you, mate,” I tell him. He nods. I’m glad he knows.

“I honestly don’t know why,” he replies, looking to the floor.

“Because you’re amazing, Benji! Who the fuck wouldn’t love you?”

Bad response...

He frowns and turns his back towards me.

“Are you okay?” I whisper to him, walking over to him slowly.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about me.” I feel like such a fucking douche.

“Ben, I know what I said bothered you.”

“It didn’t.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me it didn’t.” He only shakes his head. “So it did bother you?” No response.

“I now know how to tell whether or not you’re lying to me, so you might as well tell me the truth from now on. So, tell me. Are you okay?”

He sniffs a bit, turning around. I watch him as he drags his feet over to me, head hung low. But what surprises me is when he wraps his arms around me and starts to cry into my chest.

I kinda freak out a bit, because I don’t know if I should wrap my arms around him or what. I settle on patting the top of his head.

“It’s not fair,” he manages to whisper. “So unfair.”

“It’s okay, buddy. Everything will be alright,” I reassure the crying boy holding onto me for dear life.

“But it hurts,” he whispers again.

“I know it does, but there are people that care. You know I’m here.”

“Please, don’t ever leave me, Danny,” he cries, holding onto me tighter. “I don’t want you to leave me, too.”

Too?

“I’ll never leave you, I promise.” I finally wrap my arms around his waist and pull the sobbing boy closer to me.

And he doesn’t freak out and back away.

Our first proper hug.

“Thank you, Danny,” Ben whispers.

“Anything for you, Benji.”