Status: I have a life- therefore slow updates

The Stranger From the Bridge

Chapter 4

“…About 10 minutes now I think. Thanks for keeping an eye on him.” I hear from the other side of the corridor. I know the voice. It’s my mums. She seems to be trying to talk quietly, but her normal inside voice, as she liked to call it when I was a kid, is so loud, that her being quiet is like your average persons normal level of sound.

“No worries. You should probably wake him though and get him back home. He doesn’t look overly comfortable like that.” My boss replies, and I take that as a queue to feel how uncomfortable.

Oh god I really am.

My back feels contorted, from my neck being twisted oddly and the way the walls were pressing down onto it. I’ve also got a dead right leg from resting my arm on it for the duration of me sleeping. How long was I asleep for? I’ve yet to move much so I doubt that they will really wake me up. May as well go back to sleep.

Trying discreetly to drift back doesn’t appear to have had much use, because after the idea of returning to a peaceful slumber came to mind, I hear my mum walking over to me. Her bones cracking as she bends down to be at the same level as me. After I presume that she’s stable on the balls of her feet, I feel her hand rise up to my forehead and brush my hair back.

“Oh Jacky, what are we going to do with you?” She asks rhetorically to herself. But I don’t know either. I’m a mess.

Then she begins to ruffle my hair gently to try and wake me calmly, “Jack honey. Do you want to wake up so we can get you home?”

Still tired and half asleep, I just make an incoherent sound which I have to question because I have no idea what just fell out of my mouth. In reply though, my mum laughs quietly and I push her hand away from my head. “Wanna sleep,” I mumble.

“I know, sweetie. We just need to get you to the car, it’s only a minute away.”

“Mmm’k. Give me a sec.” I sigh, and then move my arms from where they’re rested to stretch them out a little, earning cracks to be heard from my elbows. I open my eyes to see both my mum and Martin looking down at me, both looking a little concerned, but trying to hide it as best as possible. My mum is smiling at me weakly, but I can see through it. She’s worried.

Slowly, I lift myself from the fall, and once on my two feet stood up, I take a few seconds to recover from the wave of dizziness which had hit me. Seeing me wobble as I did though, my mum places a hand onto my shoulder to help me stay up. “Come on Jack, we need to get home” she sighs, rubbing my back after I had stabilised. “We can get you something to eat and drink there, and after you’ve slept some more I need to talk to you.”

“‘k. What about my car?” I query.

“May came with me, she’s driving it back to mine so you can get back to Jess at the end of the day. But come on, let’s get you back.” Still with her hand rested on the small of my back, she turns to my boss, “thanks Martin for keeping an eye on him. I’ll see you around probably,” she said as they gave each other a knowing look of concern before they both brought their attention back to me.

“It’s not a problem Mrs Barakat. I’ll see you in a couple of days Jack.” I reply with a quick goodbye to Martin, before I feel my mother beginning to push me in the direction of the car.

Slowly, we make it from the basement entrance of work, to the car which is parked on the pavement around the corner from the office block I work in. Once my mum opens to car, I get in. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I lift my legs up so my feet are resting on the chair, and turn on my side away from the direction of mum. I lean my head back against the head rest and release a large sigh whilst closing my eyes.

I hear in the background my mum fiddling around with sets of keys and throwing her handbag into the back row of seats. “Jack, can you put your seatbelt on?”

I don’t move.

“Jack, honey please. If we’re in an accident then you’ll go flying through the windscreen.” She says beginning to get annoyed with my stubbornness.

Oh well. Such a shame.

I think to myself.

I then shudder at the thought which just crossed my mind.

I’m actually getting ill again.


Quickly, I bring my feet back down to the ground, and swiftly buckle myself in whilst taking a few deep breaths to try and reassure myself that I’m not as bad as I used to be.

“Come on, let’s get you home” mum says. She gets the car in gear before checking that it was safe to pull off from the curve. About 10 minutes in to the half hour journey back to her house, she breaks the awkward silence which had begun to form between us. “Do we need to get you back to seeing Joe? All it takes is a quick phone call and we can see him later.”

“No.”

“What can we do then? You’re falling back to how you used to be, there must be something we can do?” She practically begs.

“I don’t know what I want, mum!” I begin. “I know I’m getting ill again. I’m perfectly aware of it. And I don’t know why! I’m taking my meds, I’m doing the breathing exercises which I got taught. I just don’t fucking know why I’m like this again!” After my little outburst I sigh, and turn my gaze to the side of the car, instead of looking directly out of the front windscreen.

“Is everything alright between you and Jess?” She cautiously asks.

“Yes mum!”

“What about all your friends? Are Caleb and Dan being nice to you still?”

“God, I’m not in kindergaten anymore.”

“I’m just trying to help Jack!” My mum shouts in the car, whilst slamming on the brakes. “Now,” she says a lot more calmer than just before, “I’m going to book an appointment with Joe for you, wether you like it or not. There’s obviously something wrong right now, Jack. And we’re going to find out as soon as possible.”

***
And this is how I’ve found myself back in the waiting room a week later, at the mental health hospital again, since last year, waiting to see Joe again. Nothing had changed. The same decor was still present, as were the same staff who worked behind the desk.

The only change was that I recognised none of the patients who were also going for counselling were there. Everyone here was new. New issues. New diagnosis. But I’m the old one returning to oh so familiar grounds.

“Jack Barakat?” I hear the familiar voice of the nurse call from Joe’s door. I look up to her, still sat down, and she smiles at me; both with reassurance and recognition of me. Slowly, I stand up, and whilst being very cautious that I don’t make too much noise as I make my way to the other side of the room. “You alright?” she asks, as we both enter the room which I used to know as almost a second home.

I couldn’t help but scoff at her question though. Am I alright? Yeah, of course I am. I just felt like sulking today and taking a stroll to the local mental health unit.

As I didn’t reply, I hear her talk to herself about asking stupid questions. She’s right though. It was a stupid question.

Entering the room, I look round; and unlike the reception, it had been moved around a little. Still the same furniture was being used, but subtle things like the desk which Joe usually sits at whilst talking to me has been moved from the right wall to the left; swapping with the bookshelf. Also the photos of his family had changed a little. They would also do from time to time when I was still going here regally, but after a year, there was a noticeable difference in his children. His younger son looked about 15 now; whilst the elder looked like he had left home around now. His wife wasn’t in the photo this time, which prompts me to look at his left hand ring finger; which is now bare.

I hope he’s alright.

“Jack, been such a long time, take a seat.” Joe calls from the other side of the room, gesturing me to move over to the same, large comfy chair which is situated opposite his spiny desk chair.

“Now, your mum phoned me about a week ago, explaining the current situation. She explained that you’ve earned a small promotion at work since I last saw you, which must be great, and that you’re relationship with Jess is more stable and that you’ve moved in with her from your mums, am I correct?” He asks, whilst preparing his notebook and pen to start jotting down the past year of my life down.

“Yeah,” I say nervously, whilst I place my hands on top of my knees to try and stop them shaking uncontrollably.

“She also said how recently you’ve been falling back to how you were a few years ago; but also said that you didn’t know why.”

I nod.

“Now, we’re just going to talk about stuff and try and figure out what’s up. If you want to ask any questions, go ahead. All the same proceeders apply. Got it?” He says, using his hands to help try and get his point across as best as possible to me.

“Yeah, I’m sorry for being awkward though. You know returning and all that? Like, I’m sure that there are people who probably need to be here more than me…” I mumble off before Joe disrupts me.

“Jack, I promise that you’re not wasting my time whats so ever. I want you to know that if you ever have any problems, you can always return back here. I had a couple of hours free today anyway, so it really doesn’t matter Jack.” He explains; but despite that, I still feel bad. I don’t want to be a burden. I already am becoming a large on Mum and May again; and Jess is beginning to feel the strain of me being ill. She’s realising that I’m hiding things again.

“If you say so,” I sigh, knowing that if I were to argue he would just ignore it, and start the session properly anyway.

“Now, tell me about your current relationship with Jess. When you started dating her you explained to me that you were debating to tell her about the attempt of suicide. Did you tell her” He starts, pen poised to his notebook.

“Ermm… well… no.” I stutter out, knowing that Joe wouldn’t be pleased. He had been pushing me to tell her when we had been dating for over 3 months, so I can’t imagine what his reaction to me not telling her after a year and 6 months together would be.

“Jack, you know that it would be best to do so.” He almost tutted at me. He was shaking his head, and a small sound of dismay escaped his lips. “But why not?”

“I was scared that she’d leave me… Like there’s only so long I couldn’t have told her for before she would’ve got mad at me for not saying, at that opportunity has long gone. She’s going to judge me, and treat me as if I’m the most fragile piece of glass. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great, but I don’t want her to waste too much time worrying about me.” I explain exasperated.

“Is there not enough trust in the relationship to know that she wouldn’t?”

“There is.”

“Then why didn’t you. Because you’re right about her being mad if you told her now. I would be. I actually am a bit to be honest. There must be an area in the relationship which you struggle with trust wise.” He explained.

“I don’t know where there isn’t.” I sigh, frustrated that he’s insinuating that our relationship doesn’t have a level of full trust.

“Do you love her?”

“Excuse me?” I scoff.

“Do you love her?” he repeated just as simply.

“Well… yeah I guess. We’ve never said it to each other, but I assume that there is an element of love between is.” Looking up, I see Joe writing down rather quickly, with a frown deeply etched into his house.

“Okay… an element of love you said. What kind of love?” he queries.

“She’s a really great person, and always there for me if I’m having a bad day. Yeah, she doesn’t know about that but she knows that I can have a few changes in mood from time to time. She makes me laugh, and she’s just someone who I can rely on.”

After I talk, I hear Joe sigh across from me, whilst writing a couple more notes down. Then he looks me over with a questioning look.

“Jack, now what I’m going to say, you don’t have to take to heart. But it’s just a little piece of mind. Am I alright to carry on?”

I nod, wondering what he’s about to say.

“Okay, well the way you just described Jess, forgive me for what I’m about to say, but the relationship between you sounds a lot more like a very good friendship than a romantic one.” He declares, and let’s a pause fall between us.

“Oh.”

“What’s your opinion of this?” He asks, and I let thoughts run through my mind, trying to think over every possible scenario which has happened between the two of us.

“I think you’re right.” I say simply after about a minute of thought.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I probably should talk to her.”

“Like you probably should have told her about the attempt?” He mentions which pisses me off a little, but I know that acting to what I think will just be the wrong thing to do.

“I’ll do it this time. I promise.” I say.

“That’s good. Another thing which I’ve been wanting to know though, is have you spoken to Alex yet?”

As soon as his name is mentioned, I gulp. Both nervous and a feeling of want fills me up. I should have met up with him. I need to say thank you still. So all I do is feebly shake my head no.

“Jack.” He begins in an authoritative voice. “How much has Alex been crossing your mind recently? I know you only met him briefly, but the situation he pulled you out of means that he should remain very important to you.”

“Recently, I’ve been thinking about him more. As you said, I only met him for a short amount of time, but I picked up on small things about him. Like tea. I can’t drink a cup of tea without thinking about him, because he really liked it. Or sometimes I just get little flashbacks from when he approached me.” I explain.

“I really think it is best for you to see him. Do you remember where he lives?” Joe asks.

“Yeah, in the woods, near the bridge.”

“And are you okay going back there?”

“I think so. I guess I really need to face my demons at some point.”

“That’s brilliant, Jack. Now, I’ve got your mums phone number, which I’ll be contacting either today and tomorrow to talk through everything we’ve discussed today. I’ll also encourage her to go with you to see Alex soon.”

“Thank you, Joe. Will I need to come back?” I ask, with my fingers crossed behind my back, wanting him to say no. But let’s be realistic. He’ll want to see me in the next week at least.

“Yes, if that’s alright with you, is next week the same time alright for you?” And I was right.

“Yeah, that’s fine with me. Can I go now?,” I say as I begin to pick up my coat from the floor.

“Of course,” he laughs, “I’ll see you next week then, Jack.”

“Yeah that’s fine, I’ll see you then.” I say waving a goodbye whilst leaving the room.

“Oh and don’t forget to see Alex!” He calls through the door, and I shouted a quick ‘fine’ as I left the room.
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