Shuffle

Monday, April 27th:



Tuesday, April 28th:



Wednesday, April 29th:



Thursday, April 30th:



Friday, May 1st:



I stuffed the journal beneath the pillow as I heard his footsteps approaching. The key jiggled in the knob as I held my knees to my chest. His silhouette filled the room, dark and ominous. He drew closer, leaving the door thrown open behind him.

And finally, it happened.

“You need to leave.” His voice slithered in my ears. “I don’t care where you go…just get the fuck out.” He growled. I was silent. Was I hearing things? My gaze moved to him. His stare was on the floor in the corner-he wouldn’t look at me. Slowly, I sat up. My body groaned as it was the most I’d done in days. I waited, afraid my mind was playing a terrible trick on me.

“Now!” He shouted. I shrugged away at his sudden outburst, but soon my body jolted upright. My lacerations screamed on my skin as I staggered out of the room. I moved quickly, before he could change his mind. Was this a dream? I stumbled down the stairs. Tears slipped from my eyes as I bolted through the door, rushing barefoot down the street. I cried in pain, agony, despair, worthlessness, relief, and joy. I was finally free of him.

I had a place in mind, I was just hoping he wouldn’t ask many questions. He rarely did. Hours seemed to pass before my fist was beating at his door. I clutched my chest, struggling to breathe from my marathon. Footsteps sounded behind the door before I was greeted by his familiar, fire red hair.

“Saya?” Die cocked a brow. I breathed raggedly, staring up at him.

“Mind if I crash here for a while?” I questioned, smiling meekly.



I’d lost my job. It turns out five no-shows, no-calls was grounds for immediate termination. I couldn’t argue with them. I would have fired myself too. I apologized for my lack of communication, although I left no explanation. I hadn’t explained to anyone-not even Rhu. I wouldn’t. I wanted those five days in hell erased from my memory-as if it had never happened. Unfortunately, the lacerations covering my body were a constant reminder. Luckily, I was crashing at Die’s. On his couch specifically. Coupled with Rhu’s constant phone calls, the chipper duo always managed to ease my worries. Today, however, the worries were particularly difficult to shake. And so, I’ve been binging on Netflix.

“Hey, Kaoru and I have a photoshoot and interview with Gigs.” Die uttered, stepping in front of the television. I peered up at him, upset by the distraction. “How do I look?” He questioned. He wore all black with his collar popped. His hair was slicked back-it was black now, no longer red. I frowned to myself.

“You look like Dracula.” I pouted. He rolled his eyes.

“I know you don’t like my hair. It wasn’t my decision-our agent suggested it. We’re supposed to look more mainstream.”

“Rhu isn’t going to like it.” I pouted, crossing my arms. Die’s look suddenly faltered at the mention of her name. His mouth hung open, words stuck on his tongue. “She’s graduating today.” I added, my lips turning into a grin. “Maybe you should call to congratulate her?” I suggested. I was aware that he hadn’t spoken with her since she left. He was the only one who hadn’t. And yet he was probably the only one she wanted to hear from. Die’s eyes left mine, his hand moving to the back of his neck-one of his tell all’s. He was pondering the idea.

“I…I’m going to be late.” He murmured, his lips twisted into a grimace. I let out an exasperated exhale.

“Have fun. Be careful.” I urged. Die turned away robotically, pausing by the door as if to say something more. His fingers hovered above the doorknob, his body swaying. I kept my lips sealed, grunting disapprovingly the moment he flew out the doorway.

“So…an interview with Gigs…” I muttered aloud. I let my head fall back into the armrest, my gaze on the ceiling. “Would Kyo be there?” I questioned. It was a stupid question-Die had already told me it would just be him and Kaoru. But I couldn’t help but to wonder about Kyo.
How was he? Was he still angry? Was he sad? Was he cutting? Was he eating? What was he doing right now?

I longed for his embrace, but I shook the thought from my mind. The last thing I needed right now was another guy. I wasn’t about to get tangled up in something again. I didn’t deserve his affection a third time. I shouldn’t want his addictive love, or his passionate embrace. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve him. He deserved better. He deserves a love as all-encompassing as his own. Above all-he deserved to love himself.

And so, although I missed Kyo’s voice and presence, I refused to indulge myself. I would stay here in Die’s home until he kicked me out-not that I pictured that happening any time soon. The man enjoyed coming home to cooked dinners and a clean, organized abode. I felt like a housewife.

I stood from my spot on the couch, moving toward the shower. I stared at myself in the mirror, resting my palms on the sink. An exhausted looking girl stared back at me. Her usual inviting, blue eyes were now lifeless and gray. Her skin was pasty white, no longer rosy with warmth. Her hair was wild and unruly, dark roots showing. I sighed to myself, looking away to turn on the shower when my phone rang. Rhu’s face lit up the screen, and I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. She’d been calling nonstop to read a speech she had to prepare for her graduation ceremony. No doubt, this call was in regards to the newest revision.

“Moshi moshi?” I answered.



It was 10:44am on May 4th. In just two hours I was going to be a college graduate. Not only that, but I was chosen to be the Valedictorian of my graduating class. I was a hot mess. My stress had driven me to become physically ill. My stomach was a mess of queasy knots-I couldn’t hold anything down. I felt light headed and sweaty. Regardless, I was rushing around, collecting the speech I’d written time and time again. Was it good enough? Opal and Emma had already grown sick of listening to it. Even Saya had started complaining. I’d already lost track of the number of calls I’d made to her. I’d worry about my phone bill later.

“Just one more time…please?” I pled with Saya on the other line. She groaned into the receiver.

“I’ve already told you, IT SOUNDS PERFECT!!! Do you even know what time it is over here?” She complained.

“Pleeeeeease?!!! This is the speech that my class will be remembered for, for the rest of their lives!” I begged. She sighed.

“It’s past 10:00pm here for the record.” Her voice grumbled. I grinned to myself, understanding her tone as granting permission. I moved to begin, however a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Honey, I’m home!” Die’s cheerful voice entered my ears. It felt as though it had been years since I last heard it. My breath caught in my throat.

“Hey Die! I’m on the phone with Rhu. Do you need anything?” Saya responded.

“Oh. No-I brought takeout.” His tone suddenly wavered.

“Shit! I already have dinner in the oven!” She cussed. “I’ll be there in a minute.” She answered. I heard his footsteps leave the room and was then met with silence. My stomach groaned uneasily.

“Are you still there Rhu?” Saya questioned.

“Die’s there?” I stuttered, hugging my torso.

“Yeah. I’m staying at his place actually.” She answered.

“Oh…” I uttered. Why was she there? Was she seeing him now that she and Toshiya split? My heart felt as though it was being squeezed tightly. Were they sleeping together?! No wonder he hadn’t called me-he’d already moved on. I was nothing more than a fuck buddy after all. I felt as though I was having a heart attack. My breath caught in my throat.

“Earth to Rhu?” Saya’s voice floated in my ears. No, she wouldn’t do that to me, would she? She knew how I felt about him. She was probably just crashing there. It was close to work for her after all. That had to be it. Regardless, my head still spun with nausea.

“I-I’ve gotta go.” I blabbered, quickly hanging up the phone. My mind raced, emotions pouring out. What was this feeling? Jealousy? Betrayal? Disappointment? I wasn’t sure.

“Rhuby! Are you ready to go pick up your cap and gown?” Emma hollered from the hall, momentarily distracting me. I’d completely forgotten. I shook my head, attempting to clear myself of my thoughts. They proved hard to shake.

I piled into the van with Opal and Emma, heading for Boston. The two bickered amongst themselves as I lost myself in thought. At a time when I should be practicing my commencement speech, I was imagining my best friend and first love in bed together.

“You’ll call us if anything goes wrong?” Emma frowned, chubby hands on my shoulders. I sighed, nodding yet again.

“I’ll be fine. He’s probably sleeping.” I murmured, adjusting my bag over my shoulder. Emma’s face was stern, yet concerned. I was taking the train straight to my father’s apartment-where my cap and gown were. Opal and Emma would wait in the car. This way was much faster than dealing with Boston traffic and trying to find a parking space.

“Good. I’ll see you in 30 minutes. One minute more and I’m sending the coast guard to get you.”

“Why the coast guard?” I wriggled my brows.

“Then the C.I.A.!” Emma groaned. I rolled my eyes, pecking her on the cheek.

“I’ll be back, I promise.” I smiled, “I love you.” I quickly added, waving to the two of them before departing for the train. The car was already packed. Luckily, I spotted a familiar face-one of my father’s neighbors.

“Good morning.” I smiled down at the the plump, middle aged looking man. He glanced up at me from beneath his thin frames.

“Rhuby! How nice to see you!”

“I’m on my way to my graduation ceremony.” I grinned.

“Congratulations! Here, have a seat beside me!” He shuffled over, making room.

“Thank you.” I beamed. I settled in beside the man. It was a tight squeeze. He smelt of cologne. It reminded me of the kind Die wore. I let my eyes fall shut, images of the red head filling my mind. It had been weeks since I’d seen him, or even heard from him. I recalled the letter I wrote to him. I rewrote it so many times.



I had assumed his lack of communication meant he hadn’t forgiven me; that he’d moved on. I didn’t blame him. I lied to him. I regret leaving him every second of every day. I still recall the way his hair fell over his thick eyelashes. The way his lips parted in his sleep, and how he would scrunch his nose during a dream.

I wasn’t the one sleeping beside him anymore.

My throat grew tight as I fought to contain my emotions. My stomach groaned uneasily. I felt flushed, and nauseous.

“Are you okay?” The man who smelled of Daisuke questioned. I glanced up at him as I held myself. I nodded, exhaling cautiously.

“It’s just my nerves.” I chuckled, looking back to my feet. The man sat back in his chair, nodding slightly.

“Graduation can be a scary thing.” I let my eyes fall shut again, this time focused on the rocking of the train.

Soon, I stood at the door to my father’s apartment, heart beating in my chest. The last time I’d seen or even spoke to him was over a month and a half ago when I told him I was leaving for Japan. He’d sliced open my shoulder during his drunken rage.

Taking one final breath, I turned the knob to let myself in. The first thing to hit me was the stench. I covered my nose, instantly nauseous from the smell of booze, rotten food, and other grime. Flies swarmed around enormous piles of trash heaped where our living room had once resided. I pushed past the piles, forcing my way up the stairs and into my bedroom.

Luckily, my room had been untouched by his filth. I hurried to the closet, fishing out the cap and gown I’d stashed here months ago. Taking one last breath of fresh air, I returned to the trash heap. His figure met me outside my room, my feet stopping in their tracks. He staggered in place, bottle hanging loosely from his fingertips. His eyes moved to the apparel in my hand, instantly narrowing.

“What? You don’t want your old man there?” He scoffed, lips turning to reveal his decaying teeth.

“You said you didn’t want to go…I already reserved all the tickets…” I whispered, looking away from the man. He continued snickering, moving closer toward me.

“Why would I say that Rhuby? Of course I’d want to see my one beautiful, smart daughter graduate!” He grinned, filthy fingers outstretched toward me. I ducked away from his grasp, his eyes instantly filling with rage.

“Stupid whore!” He shouted, snapping the bottle in his hand toward me. I quickly ducked around it, but I wasn’t fast enough to evade his fist from connecting with my cheek. I felt my jaw crack, my eye immediately becoming bloodshot. I had never seen him move so quickly. I backed away, recovering my senses enough vault past him onto the landing. He closed in on me, backing me against the banister as he continued throwing punches at me.

“Am I not good enough for you?!” He cried as I attempted to push past him. His elbow sunk into my nose, throwing me back and over the landing. I collided into the carpeted floor below me, landing hard on my backside. My head slammed into the ground, ears ringing as blood gushed out my broken nose. Everything grew fuzzy around me as I fought to remain conscious.

“After everything I’ve done for you?! You ungrateful bitch!” He screeched from above me, his body in view as I struggled to my feet. Falling to my knees, I crawled through piles of trash toward the door, reaching for the knob. I managed to crack the door open just as I heard his footsteps following after me. He was in the livingroom, no doubt looking for something to throw at me.

“Help!” I cried, just as a beer bottle shattered against my hip, bruises blooming beneath my skin. I blocked my face with my arm before a heavy, ceramic lamp ripped open my fingers and forearm. It pushed me hard against the wall, knocking the wind out of me as the drywall gave way beneath my skull. He moved to my side. I wasn’t breathing as he pulled me up by the hair, eyes full of rage. My vision was red.

He drunkenly laughed as I attempted to push him away. He was enjoying himself. My body felt as though every inch of it was swelling. My head pulsed angrily, arm aching as blood poured from the open wound. Bruises bloomed under the pale skin of my face before everything around me went completely dark.

I heard the door fly open and sensed that someone had pushed my father away from me. He continued screaming, but I was glad I was no longer his target. Daisuke’s scent filled my senses just before I lost consciousness.



Die and I had finished dinner hours ago. We laid on the couch, his feet thrown over my lap as he snored lazily. The television hummed quietly, a drama playing out. My attention was elsewhere. I had dialed Rhu’s number several times to congratulate her on graduating, however, she never answered. It wasn’t like her.

I worried something may have happened to her. Searching through my contact list, I came across her Aunt Emma’s number-saved in case of an emergency while Rhu was hear. My heart beat wildly as I made the call. I’m sure there was nothing to be concerned about-Rhu was probably busy with her friends and family in Boston. But I couldn’t shake this feeling from my gut.

“Hello?” Rhu’s aunt answered in English. I’d forgotten she didn’t speak Japanese.

“Hello.” I uttered brokenly, “I am Saya. I-is Rhu home?” I struggled for the words. It had been years since I spoke English. Rhu always used Japanese. There was a pause, but her aunt’s obvious breathing told me the line hadn’t been severed.

“Saya, Rhu is in the hospital.” Her aunt sounded monotone, “You’re her friend from Japan, correct?” Emma questioned. The news lodged in my throat. What was she doing in the hospital? Was she okay?

“H-h-hospital?” I repeated, the word like a lump I was struggling to dislodge. I felt Die stir, and glanced over. He was awake now, and eyeing me warily. I’m sure ‘Rhu’ and ‘Hospital’ were enough to wake him.

Emma’s tone suddenly changed, and she was speaking Japanese. She had a heavy accent, but was still easy to understand.

“We haven’t been to see her yet. She is unconscious. The neighbor heard a scuffle, and found her by her father’s door out cold. He called the police, but she hasn’t woken up yet.” I noticed Die rise to his feet, already disappearing into his room.

“W-what can I do?” I stammered, hugging my knees to my chest.

“…Pray.” Emma frowned. “We don’t know how bad it is…no one will talk to us.” She choked, tears obvious in her voice. I nodded, mouth agape.

“P-please keep us informed.” I breathed before ending the call. I wasn’t one for prayers, but today I didn’t care. I clenched my fists tightly, squeezing my eyes as the tears poured down my cheeks.

“Let her be okay.” I whimpered, body quivering. I heard the front door open and slam shut quickly, signaling Die’s disappearance.