Shuffle

I’d grown bored of watching Kyo sleep. He doesn’t talk or sleep walk. He just sleeps. I was currently rummaging through his room, looking for something to keep me occupied until sunrise. I’d already been through his desk and skimmed through his sketchbooks and journals. They were mostly lyrics and sketches for their upcoming album.

Digging through his closet, I’d grown curious about a dusty box that was beneath piles of folded sweaters. I struggled to silently retrieve the case, careful not to wake the beast. It was dense. I hadn’t expected it to weigh as much as it did. Prying the lid off, I discovered the source of the weight: dozens and dozens of journals. I groaned, throwing my head back. All that work for more lyrics? Fuck. As I moved to stick the top back on, one teal blue, flower designed diary caught my attention. It certainly didn’t suit Kyo’s tastes. I fished for it, shoving all others out of the way.

“He kept this?” I murmured, opening the book to find familiar script. It was my own. I flipped through the many pages of colorful ink, smiling to myself as I reminisced. Pushing the box aside, I made myself comfortable as I skimmed through the various passages.



A few pages were stuck together. I remembered why as soon as I saw the coffee stain. I frowned, realizing I was missing my first memories of Kyo. The study sessions we had on the roof were the times he really opened up to me. He talked about playing in La:Sadies-his dream to be a professional musician. He complained about his parents transferring him to this school after he’d gotten into too many fights at his last school. He’d make casual passes at me. I would eat my lunch, but Kyo rarely had anything to eat. He was so scrawny. Sometimes I would bring him lunch-he was always grateful.



I noticed the following pages had been ripped out. I remembered those days-they were perfect. It was just Kyo and me. I went to his shows, spent my evening and weekends with him. My whole life revolved around him. And then, things changed. My heart still aches, recalling those last few days.

Kyo disappeared from school one day. He didn’t come the following day or even the day after. I visited him at home-he was distant. He asked me to stop seeing him. He dropped out of school, and was pursuing his dream. La:Sadies was touring, travelling throughout Japan. I would be in the way.

I felt used and humiliated. I thought everything he’d told me had been a lie. Kyo ripped my heart out that day. But after thinking, I realized he’d wanted me to make something more of my life. He wanted me to graduate and go to college. I knew if I stayed with him, I wouldn’t have done that. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. And he knew that too.

I ripped out those sad pages, and I gave him this journal the day he left. I told him “Never forget me.” La:Sadies split when I began college. I hoped he’d return, but he didn’t. Dir en Grey formed shortly after that, but I no longer followed the band. I focused on myself. I met Toshiya at a bar years later, and that was how I found Kyo again. Snapping the diary shut, I inhaled deeply, letting my head fall back. It seems like yesterday.

“Saya?” Kyo’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I opened my eyes, glancing up at the man who shifted groggily in his bed. “What are you still doing awake? Come to bed.” He grunted.

“I got enough sleep.” I lied, feigning a smile. His gaze moved to the book in my hands, brows furrowing.

“You were snooping through my stuff while I was sleeping?” He grumbled.

“I was bored.” I explained, “I was looking for your sketchbooks, but I found this.” I smiled. “I can’t believe you kept it after all these years!” I laughed. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, nodding.

“Of course I would…I love you.” He yawned before falling back into his pillows. My heart skipped a beat, fluttering nervously. “Now come to bed.” He demanded. “It’s cold without you.” I felt myself blushing.

Hesitantly, I returned to his side. Already, his eyes were closed dreamily, as if he’d never been awake. Maybe he never really was? I crawled under the covers fighting off sleep as best I could.
How could he still love me? How could anyone love me…?

“Go to sleep.” Kyo whispered, “You won’t have any nightmares with me here.” He uttered. I felt his fingers skim over mine, his very touch relaxing my body. I longed to be held in his embrace, but at the same time, I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t even know if that’s what I wanted. I let my mind drift to the memories I’d shared with Kyo, a smile tugging at my lips. He was right-I didn’t have another nightmare.



“Rhu. I love you.” Die whispered, “But no matter what happens…I want you to do what’s in your best interest.” His lips moved against my hair. I nodded, holding him tighter. Three minutes felt like an eternity to wait. But finally, there it was. Two solid pink lines.

“What do two lines mean?” Die whispered, hands resting on my hips.

“…I-I’m pregnant.” I choked. There was another life inside me. One that Die and I had created. He was silent, lips pursed tightly in thought. He backed away, scratching his head as he moved into the bedroom. The springs heaved as his body fell into the mattress. He looked as if he’d just seen a ghost. Glancing in the mirror, I looked like the ghost.

“I’m sure I’m still early enough to consider other options.” I murmured, moving to his side.

“Is that what you want?” His hesitant gaze shifted to mine. An abortion was what I was suggesting. Was it what I wanted? I couldn’t even say the word aloud. Could I go through that? Did I even agree with that?

“I-I don’t know what I want...” I admitted.

“Maybe we should see a doctor then? They could help us…” His voice floated in one ear and out the other. I collapsed beside him, everything suddenly hitting me.

I never wanted this to happen to me at this point in my life. Someday, yes. But not right now. I’d only just graduated. I had mounds of student loans to pay back. I was unemployed. I moved across the world with my boyfriend, who I hardly knew. I wasn’t married. I wasn’t going to be married any time soon. I was terrified.

My family wasn’t around. They wouldn’t be here to help me decide what’s best. I wish I had my mom to talk to…but she died. She died giving birth. What if I died? Then Daisuke would be alone with this baby. On the road. Would he even want to keep it? Would my baby be put up for adoption after I died?

“I’m scared.” I broke down, hiding my sobbing face in my hands. His comforting embrace wrapped around me, holding me tight.

“Let’s go see a doctor tomorrow. They can help.” He suggested, rocking me gently. I cried, hiding myself in his chest.



“There’s the heartbeat…” The woman smiled as she slid the wand around on my exposed, goo covered belly. A fast, pulsing sound entered my ears. My baby’s heart. That was all the proof I needed. I kept my eyes glued to the screen, noticing the shapes that formed on the screen. A small head, body…looking closer, I noticed arms, legs, even fingers and toes. My baby slept soundly, eyes closed. There was a little nose and mouth. Two ears also.

I loved it already.

“You’re about 13 weeks along!” She grinned.

“13 weeks?!” Die and I exclaimed in unison. The woman nodded, but we hardly noticed as we stared at eachother. Die’s fingers fidgeted as he counted on them.

“That’s three months…” He murmured, “Have I even known you for three months???” I was thinking the same thing. June, May, April…three months.

“…The night I lost my virginity…” I squeaked. We hadn’t used protection that night…it was the only time in April we hadn’t been safe. Go figure. Die’s eyes were wide. The nurse interrupted our silent debate with more words.

“Unfortunately, your baby isn’t at a good angle to identify its gender. But we should be able to tell any day!”

“…You can tell if it’s a boy or a girl already?” I stammered, flabbergasted.

“To some extent.” She nodded, “Boys are easier to identify at this stage. Girls stay in hiding a bit longer.” She winked, continuing to examine the monitor. There was a little boy or girl growing in my belly. “This is odd…” The woman murmured, distracting me momentarily. I snapped my attention to her.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned. Her brows were furrowed.

“I’m going to bring in a doctor for a second opinion.”

“Is my baby okay?” I stammered.

“…I can’t give you a definite answer right now.” She frowned, setting the wand beside the monitor. “I’ll return shortly with the doctor.” She smiled. How could she just leave me like this?! I noticed Die’s hand in mine suddenly, and glanced up to find him looking just as disheveled as myself.

“…It has fingers and toes.” I whispered. He nodded, his empty hand moving to cradle my head. It felt like an eternity before the nurse and doctor returned.

“Let’s take a look here…” The older male professional exclaimed, taking a seat as he examined my stomach. He found the baby quickly, a frown on his features. “I believe you’re correct Matsu-san.” He murmured toward the female nurse. She wrung her fingers together, looking quite gloomy.

“What’s wrong?” Die pressed, squeezing me gently.

“Well Rhuby…”

“Just Rhu.” I corrected.

“Rhu, it appears your baby is developing well. The problem we’ve encountered…is here.” He pointed to a blobby area of the screen. “That is your uterus…your baby is supposed to be inside there. Unfortunately, it’s common for an egg to be fertilized outside the uterus. In your case, your baby is located in your fallopian tube. Have you noticed any pain or heavy bleeding?” He questioned, turning to me.

“Um…I was experiencing what I thought was my period. I was told that spotting is normal though…” I answered, not quite registering what was being said.

“Light spotting is normal. But in ectopic pregnancies such as yours, dark, heavy bleeding is common, and dangerous. If left untreated, the fallopian tube will likely rupture and lead to life threatening blood loss.” He frowned.

“Un-untreated?” I stuttered. He sighed, sitting back.

“We would usually recommend terminating the pregnancy at the earliest sign. The egg cannot develop in a pregnancy such as this-the baby won’t receive necessary nutrients. In addition, you are at risk as well. As I said earlier, you could potentially hemorrhage. The growing tissue may also harm maternal structures. You would likely never be able to become pregnant again if left untreated. It is unfortunate that your pregnancy has developed so far.” He explained. He was telling me to get an abortion. “B-but…you said my baby is healthy. It’s developing well. How is that possible?” I questioned.

“Well, in your case the umbilical cord has attached itself to the very edge of the uterine wall while the fetus is developing in the fallopian tube. It is rare, but that’s probably the only reason the fetus is receiving nutrients and developing normally. Regardless, it is an extremely high risk pregnancy.”

“…Will my baby die?”

“Possibly.”

“…Will I?”

“If you intend to carry and deliver the child, it’s highly likely.” He frowned. “We would suggest terminating the pregnancy. We can schedule you for surgery to remove the fetus.”

“No!” I shouted quickly before recoiling, “Sorry. It’s just…everything is so sudden. Can’t we have a moment to discuss this?” I hesitantly asked. The doctor nodded, he and the nurse leaving so that Die and I had some alone time.

We were silent. In shock. We’d only just found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even realize I was so far along. I moved my hands to my stomach, caressing my small baby bump. My heart fluttered, a smile tugging at my lips. I’d mistaken it for bloating all this time…But it was my child. The baby had everything I did. I may have even known the sex today had it been positioned correctly. And they expected me to terminate it? I frowned, letting my eyes fall shut. I know they had my best interest at heart…but who was I to end this life? It wasn’t at fault. No one was. The only thing this small life was guilty of is stealing my heart. Heat filled my face, stinging my nose and eyes. I knew now. I couldn’t do it…

“I c-can’t…I can’t go through with it.” I whimpered, breaking into tears. I felt Die’s fingers entwine with mine, his gaze on me. I let out a shaky breath before turning to him, brows furrowed seriously.
“I know it’s risky…but you heard him. The baby is developing perfectly.”

“…You could die.” Daisuke whispered, sitting at my side. His eyes shook.

“Or I could live.” I retorted. “I would never forgive myself if I killed this innocent child. It did nothing to deserve it.”

“Would you really risk that? You could never have children again.” He frowned. I pursed my lips in thought before nodding.

“I don’t know if I could handle more than two of you.” I smiled, sniffling as I held his hands. He was quiet, but moved closer, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Two of me…” His chuckle was muffled as he buried his face into my stomach. His shoulders quivered, a heart breaking sob escaping his lungs. I held him close, resting my tired eyes. That was the first time I’d seen him cry. I vowed it would be the last.