Shuffle

“Welcome home guys!” I exclaimed as Rhu and Die barreled in through the door. It was early Monday morning, and they looked exhausted. I had popped a chunk of banana into my mouth the second they walked in. “You ready for work?” I teased tearing off another piece. Die groaned outwardly as Rhu slithered into their bedroom, clutching her stomach tenderly.

“I could use one more day off.” He complained, tagging along after her to quickly change. I nodded in agreement before moving to the spare bathroom. I rinsed my hands, brushed my teeth, and fluffed my blue hair in the mirror. I would have to color it again soon, noticing the dark roots that were beginning to show.

“Ready Saya?” Die hollered from outside. I quickly collected my briefcase and purse before darting to his side.

“That didn’t take you long.” I complained as he ushered me along. Soon we were headed toward the SMEJ building.

“So how was your romantic weekend?” I pressed, twiddling my thumbs in the passenger’s seat. Die glanced over toward me, a frown twisted onto his face.

“It was okay.” He shrugged. “She met my family, and we celebrated her birthday. We shared the news too.” He added.

“About the baby?” I questioned. He nodded in response. “So you changed your mind?” I questioned. The last time I spoke with him, he had still wanted Rhu to terminate the pregnancy.

“I’m still worried about it. But I think I understand how Rhu feels. She already loves this baby, and it would be wrong of me to force her to get rid of it because something bad could happen to her. I’m supporting her.” He sighed.

“You don’t sound all too convinced.” I frowned.

“No…I’m happy.” He forced a chuckle, “The older I get, the more I want to be a father. So I’m glad it’s finally happened to me. I’m just a bit scatter brained.”

“It’s stressful.” I frowned. “Make sure the two of you are taking enough time for yourselves. It’s important to still be romantic.” I smiled. “Being prepared is important, but it can put a strain on your relationship…”

“I proposed to Rhu.” Die interrupted, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly. I felt my jaw drop, eyes bugging.

“You…what?!” I squeaked.

“I asked her to marry me.” He sighed. “…And she said no.” He murmured.

“SHE WHAT?!!!!”

“She turned me down.” He groaned.

“Why?! Did she give you a reason?!”

“She thinks I only asked because she’s pregnant…and she might die.” He frowned. I mirrored his expression.

“…Is it?” I questioned. Die shot me a look momentarily.

“No!” He hollered, gritting his teeth. “Well…yes…” He finally admitted, easing back in his seat. “But that was only part of the reason. I thought about it a lot. It’s a big commitment…but we’re committing to raise this baby together. I obviously want Rhu to be in my life-for a long time. I feel so strongly about her…I travelled across the world just to tell her that for God’s sake!” He grumbled. “I love her. I want to fall asleep with her every night and wake up with her every morning. I want her by my side as I grow old and wrinkled. I want to share a life with her. I want to marry her!” He practically yelled. I could tell this had been eating him alive. “Sure, her current condition may have pressed me to make this decision a little early…but I would have made it someday regardless!”

“Did you tell her that?” I asked.

“Yes.” He cranked. “She wants to think…she wants me to think too.” He rolled his eyes. I chuckled to myself as well. Once Die had his mind set on something, he would stop at nothing to accomplish it.

“You’re that eager to lock this down?” I teased. Die chuckled, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He smiled to himself as we pulled into a parking space.

“I think she’ll say yes.” I grinned, exiting the vehicle. “She’s a hopeless romantic. Keep asking her…she’ll eventually feel guilty for saying no.” I sniggered.

“You want me to guilt trip her into accepting my proposal?!” Die huffed, eyes narrowed.

“If that’s what you want to call it.” I shrugged, heading into the tall building. Die shook his head, holding open the door for me before parting ways.

Instead of meeting with Toki immediately, I walked with Nobuo’s office as my destination. The middle aged man was there already, luckily, fumbling with a shelf he was attempting to install on the wall.

“Do you need some help?” I chuckled, inviting myself in. He glanced toward me, a bright smile on his face.

“Saya! Good morning!” He had a nail sticking out the side of his mouth, hammer wedged beneath his armpit. I held the shelf level for him as he stuck the nail in place. “Thank you!” He chuckled once the
décor was finally in place.

“No problem.” I smiled. “Um…do you have time to speak with me today?” I questioned as he made himself comfortable at his desk. “I’m hoping it won’t take long.” I quickly added.

“I’m free now.” He grinned up at me, crossing his arms over his chest as he threw his feet atop his desk. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well…I don’t really know where to begin.” I chuckled, scratching my head. I thought I’d have a bit of time to think this over. “I’ll get straight to it…how can I go about transferring to another branch?” I questioned. He furrowed his brows, dark eyes on mine.

“Well, normally after 6 months of employment you would just file the necessary paperwork and interview for an open position in another branch. Is everything okay? You’re not having an issue with anyone are you…our turnover has been rather high lately…” He trailed off.

“No no no…it’s nothing like that. Everyone is amazing. Toki is great to work with!” I smiled. “It’s just…personal reasons.” I shrugged. “I want to move to the United States.”

“Really?” He seemed surprised. I nodded, fidgeting with my fingers.

“Yes. As you can tell I’m not Asian.” I chuckled, “My family is originally from the United States. I grew up in Japan when my mother’s work transferred us here. Sometime along the way, they returned to the US. But…by that point I had started college and had no interest in leaving. So, I stayed put. But, I feel like there’s this whole other side of me I don’t know…I want to go to the US and learn more about where I’m from.” I shrugged. Nobuo nodded in understanding.

“Well, let me make a few calls. I’ll see if I can’t get the 6 month waiting period moving a little faster for you.” He smiled.

“You can do that?!” I exclaimed. He chuckled, jotting something down on paper.

“For you.” He winked. “I’m pretty booked the next couple of days…so give me a week or two to get things in order. I’d expect a transfer in as little as a few weeks to a month. There are always openings.” He smiled.

“Thank you so much.” I beamed.

“You have to promise me one thing though.” He narrowed his eyes.

“What’s that?” I questioned.

“Come back someday.” He frowned. “You have such raw talent. Toki and I have both seen it. I want you to come back and become one of my producers. You would have your own studio.”

Talk about ego boost.

“…I’ll come back.” I smiled. “Once I’m a master in the US.” I added with a wink.
“Good.” He grinned. “This has been a day of great news!” He exclaimed. “Toshiya is being released early, so the guys will be back on track in two weeks!” He beamed. My heart raced nervously.

“H-he got out?” I stammered. “When?”

“He’s returning in two weeks.” He smiled. Two weeks? My throat swelled at the thought. I wasn’t
sure I could handle seeing him so soon.

“Are you okay Saya? You look rather pale.” Nobuo asked.

“Y-yeah.” I lied, “I’m going to go meet Toki now. Thanks for talking with me!” I quickly bowed,
ducking out of the room before he could question me any further. I felt a pit at the bottom of my stomach, a hollow wind echoed through it.



[…several days later…]

“Rhuby…these past four, almost five months of my life have been amazing-and it’s because of you. I never one to spend another moment without you. I can’t wait to share our lives together, building our family. So…Rhuby…” He proposed. I was awestruck, mouth agape.

“Will you marry me?” He whispered, knees covered in sand as he knelt before me. My own legs jiggled like jell-o, threatening to drop me to his level. Marriage? I’d always wanted a wedding, and someone to share a life with. But I was only 21. I’d only known Die for four months. Sure, we were having a baby…but that was us accepting responsibility for our carelessness.

But this…was this something that should be rushed? Sure, my pregnancy was risky…but was he just asking because he was afraid I may die? Because I was pregnant? Because it was the ‘right thing to do?’

“…I need to think…” I murmured, handing the ring back to him. I hadn’t even taken the time to examine it. I let my gaze fall to the ocean, unable to look him in the eyes. I knew it would break my
heart. He was silent after that.

The scene kept playing out in my mind as I fumbled with my laptop. My side was aching again, but I was in the middle of updating my resume. I pushed the pain from my mind, focused on the task at hand. I was sick of sitting at home all day long, waiting for my boyfriend to return from work. All I did was eat, sleep, clean, and cook. I wasn’t housewife material. I didn’t feel right accepting his money-especially to pay my student loans. I had a degree in education…I intended to use it.

Unfortunately, the new school year had just begun, and there was no need for full-time teachers currently. Especially pregnant teachers who weren’t even Japanese citizens. My head spun with stress, and I had to constantly remind myself to stop working myself up. It only irritated the baby.

I let my fingers fall to the lump in my belly, stroking it gently. I smiled to myself, imaging this child in my arms. I hated referring to the baby as ‘it’ or even ‘a child.’ I wanted to give him or her a name.

“What should I call you?” I frowned. “I don’t even know if you’re a girl or a boy!” I groaned. “Stop hiding so we know what to name you!” I growled. We had an appointment today. Soon in fact. Die was leaving the studio early to join me. But, he left me directions and cab fare just in case he couldn’t make it.

I checked my phone, inwardly cussing as I realized how close he was cutting it on time. I hobbled to my feet, checking myself in the mirror before stuffing my feet in some comfortable shoes and throwing on a sweater. No texts or calls…

“I guess daddy isn’t coming.” I frowned as I grabbed my purse and cab fare. I called a taxi, and soon was on my way to my doctor’s appointment. My heart tugged, feeling somewhat abandoned. I felt guilty thinking this way…he was busy making money for the two of us. Soon, I had made it to the office and paid the driver.

“Ah! Rhu! Good morning! How are you and the little one?!” My doctor exclaimed.

“We are doing well.” I smiled, settling in to the chair.

“And how are you feeling?”

“Pretty good.” I smiled. “Happy now that the morning sickness is over.” I added.

“That is always good to hear.” He smiled, “And how about your abdomen? Any pain?” He questioned, pulling my shirt up and tenderly pressing on my belly. I couldn’t help but cringe. “Ah, you’re certainly swollen. And warm. I’ll have to get you something to ease the swelling. That can be bad for the both
of you.”

“Thank you.” I sighed. “I get pains frequently, but they’re tolerable.”

“You will.” He frowned. “Your fallopian tube tissue is being stretched and expanded past its intended structure. Unfortunately, the discomfort will only increase.” He frowned. “I’m hoping what I give you for the swelling may help somewhat.

“I know. Thank you.” I murmured, gagging as he covered my belly in gel.

“Any other concerns besides your discomfort?”

“No.” I shrugged. The doctor nodded, moving the wand across my stomach.

“Where is dad today?” He questioned.

“At work.” I complained.

“What does he do? I never did ask.”

“He’s a professional musician.” I smiled.

“Ah.” He nodded, “He did have a celebrity aura.” He chuckled, making me giggle. “Oh! Here we are!”
He smiled as the baby’s figure came in to focus. I could already hear the heartbeat, and seeing their little face always lit a smile on me.

“Looking healthy, as usual.” He smiled, leaning closer to the monitor. “Oh here’s some even better news-I can identify the gender.” His eyes fell on me, my mouth agape. He knew if I was having a boy or a girl?! I thought I would never know!

“Tell me!” I pressured, unable to contain my enthusiasm. He fiddled with the machine, printing out a small polaroid to hand to me.

“Congratulations on your baby girl.” He smiled.

“A girl?” I breathed, clutching the picture tightly. He nodded, pointing to the identifying markers. I was having a girl…

“Shit.” I cussed. “I don’t know if I can handle a girl.” I complained making him laugh. I guess I would have to start thinking of names…there was no way in hell I was carrying on our horrible naming tradition.

‘December…Ew…Diamond?’ I thought to myself… ‘Over my dead body.’

It was a beautiful day as I left the office. Glancing around, I couldn’t help but wonder how far I was from the SMEJ building? Fishing out my phone, I did a quick google maps search. It was only about a mile away…easily walkable. Since Die couldn’t be here, I would go to him. Hearing my stomach grumble, I decided to bring him lunch as well.

A mile is a bit longer than you realize when you’re pregnant. Maybe it was just my particular pregnancy, because my body ached as I stood before the tall building, plastic bag full of food in hand.
I let myself in, stopped immediately by the front desk.

“Can I help you?” A woman with a stern face asked, beady eyes hidden beneath small frames.

“Um yes…I’m here to visit Andou Daisuke. Of Dir en Grey.” I stammered.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t permit visitation with our musicians…not without an appointment.” She
informed sternly.

“Oh…well I was just bringing him lunch. I’m his girlfriend…” I mumbled, “He was supposed to meet me for an ultrasound appointment today.” I frowned, unconsciously gesturing toward my baby bump.
Her eyes flitted to my stomach momentarily before returning to my face.

“I’m sorry…but I can’t permit you to go any further without an appointment. Feel free to call him and have him meet you down here.” She suggested. “It’s our policy…I hope you can understand.”

I frowned, nodding as I pulled my cell out and dialed Die’s number. It went straight to voicemail. Frowning, I decided to go for my second best option. Saya.

“Moshi moshi?!” Her cheery voice answered.

“Hey Saya.” I smiled, “I’m at the SMEJ building…I brought Die lunch but I’m not permitted any further in the building and he won’t answer his phone…” I grumbled.

“Seriously?!” She groaned, “That woman at the desk is such a bitch…hold on, I’ll be down to get you in a minute.” I heard her hollering something before hanging up and felt cold eyes on me. The woman still sat like a stone behind her oversized desk. I couldn’t help narrowing my eyes at her, turning my back.

Before long, a familiar puff of blue greeted me. She had a huge smile plastered on her face as she took her hand, waving to the woman at the desk.

“I had my ultrasound today.” I smiled as we waited in the elevator.

“Oh?! And Die wasn’t there?!” She huffed.

“No.” I frowned, “So that’s why I’m here…it’s a girl.” I grinned, Saya’s face lighting up.

“Seriously?! I thought for sure it’d be a boy. Oh I’m so excited! I can’t wait to dress her up!” She squealed, elevator dinging as we reached our floor.

“I hope Die is as excited as you.” I giggled, “I feel like he wants a boy.”

“What guy doesn’t want a boy?” She rolled her eyes, leading me down a hall to a door labeled ‘Dir en
Grey.’ “They’re in the studio right now…but we can watch, as long as we’re quiet.” She winked, ushering me toward a small room full of glowing buttons and knobs.

Two men sat at the controls-I recognized one at once as Kyo. The other-a middle aged man with tattoos-glanced back at us, lighting up as he spied Saya. She moved toward Kyo, ruffling his hair silently, earning a middle finger. The rest of the guys were in a room behind a window. They were all hard at work with their instruments. I could see why Die missed my call, and our appointment.

A few minutes passed before the song concluded. I noticed Die check the time on his phone, eyes bugging as he realized how late he was. He cussed, practically dropping his guitar as he bid the others farewell and raced out the door. Luckily, he had to race past me. His eyes were wide as he nearly ran me over.

“Rhu?!” He questioned, scanning the tiny room. “And Saya? What are you two doing here? Are you okay…I missed the appointment…is everything okay?!” He stammered, fingers on my shoulders. I firmly planted my hands on his hips, smiling up at him.

“We’re perfectly fine.” I chimed. “I just got done and figured I’d bring you lunch…we were hungry.” I giggled, hand moving to my belly. “I hope you haven’t eaten.” I quickly added. He shook his head, looking relieved. “I’m not interrupting am I?” I questioned.

“No no. We just got done. Recording took a bit longer than we’d planned.” He sighed. “Kaoru and I had to record some of Toshiya’s bass tracks. We hadn’t accounted for that.”

“I should have brought more food.” I frowned. I’d only had enough for Die and myself unfortunately.

“No worries.” Shinya interrupted, waving toward us. “Kaoru and I have lunch plans.” He grinned.

“Let’s go to the café.” Die offered, turning me around. “Oh…Nobuo.” He caught the attention of the
stranger in the room. The older man glanced over from the conversation he’d been holding with Kyo and Saya. “This is my girlfriend Rhu.” Die smiled.

“Oh! So nice to meet you…and I can’t wait to meet the newest addition!” He chuckled, bowing deeply.

“Oh!” I squeaked, blushing slightly and attempted to return the bow. It made me somewhat uncomfortable. “It’s a pleasure to meet you!”

“Nobuo has been working with us for years. He runs the entire recording branch of SMEJ.” Die informed me.

“Wow!” I grinned. I wasn’t sure what more to say.

“Enough about me. You two go have lunch!” He insisted.
Soon, Die and I were out the door, his arm slung over mine. We found ourselves a cozy spot in the cafeteria. It wasn’t what I’d expected. It was more of a hip café than a stark cafeteria. There were couches, bean bags, even egg shaped canvas chairs suspended from the ceiling. Soft music played, nearly covered up by the chit chat in the room.

I recognized a few familiar faces-The Gazette, L’arc~en~ciel, Asian kung fu generation, Yui, Orange Range…people kept coming and going. I’d never been in the presence of so many celebrities before.

“You didn’t walk here did you?” Die interrupted my thoughts, a frown plastered on his face.

“What?” I questioned, still star struck.

“You couldn’t have had enough to pay for cab fare and buy us lunch…did you walk here from the doctor’s?”

“It was only a mile.” I explained, “Exercise is good for…”

“They told you not to overexert yourself!” He hissed, opening his box of takeout.

“I didn’t!” I insisted. “I wanted to get out of the house…it was a beautiful day. I took my time.” I
frowned, helping myself to my own dish. Luckily, it had plenty of time to cool.

“Call me next time. I’ll pick you up.” He practically growled.

“I did call you…” I grumbled, stuffing my face. “You didn’t answer.” I narrowed my eyes. “You were supposed to be there with me anyway!” I suddenly defended. Here he was coming at me when he was the one who missed the appointment.

“I’m sorry.” He frowned. “I wanted to be there. I lost track of time after recording Toshiya’s part.” He explained. I shook my head, picking through the vegetables in my dish. “How did the appointment go anyway?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Good.” I shrugged, neglecting to mention his concern with my swelling and tenderness. “I found out the sex.” I mused, slurping noodles. His curious eyes met mine as he held a wad of his own noodles with chopsticks. “Do you want to know?” I teased after clearing my mouth. He was silent, but I could tell his was pondering, judging by the constipated look on his face. I set my container down, fishing through my purse to grab the sonogram and hand it toward him. He accepted it eagerly, eyes skimming the page.

“I can’t tell.” He frowned.

“Are you sure you want to know? You wanted it to be a surprise before.”

“I hate surprises.” He grumbled, making me chuckle as I hovered over him, pointing toward the photo.

“See here?” I noted, “…that’s our little girl.” I smiled. Die’s gaze met mine from his seated position, my belly at his eye level.

“A girl?” He repeated, arms circling my waist as he rested his cheek on my stomach. I nodded, ruffling his hair. “My baby girl…” He mused. “I’m having a little girl!” He shouted, full of excitement, making others in the room jump. My face grew red with embarrassment as he held me.

“Die…people are staring…” I whispered, hoping he would let go. He only shook his head, placing a kiss on my abdomen.



“So, did you talk with Nobuo?” Kyo questioned, referring to my plan to return to the United States.

“Yes…earlier this week actually.” I smiled as we gathered at our usual spot. “He’s pulling some strings and told me to expect to be leaving in as soon as a month.” I smiled, sipping my coffee.

“That soon?” Kyo nodded, picking apart a danish.

“Sooner is better.” I murmured, washing my stomach with another dose of caffeine. “It’s getting pretty cramped at Die’s…and Toshiya will be back in less than two weeks.” His almond eyes jumped to mine after hearing that.

“Who told you?” He obviously knew.

“Nobuo.” I frowned.

“Fuck…” He cussed, “I didn’t want you to worry about it. We all agreed not to mention it. He even
agreed to keep to himself until tour…”

“You didn’t think I would find out?!” I hissed.

“I figured you would find out…once he was back.” He shrugged. “I didn’t want you stressing two weeks prior to his release.” I was seething.

“I’m not a child, Kyo.” I growled. “You don’t need to lie to me to protect me…I can handle it.”

“You’re already stressed over it.” He reminded me.

“No!” I lied. “I’m just…he’s not why I’m stressed…it’s just…” I attempted to make up an excused, gears grinding. He cocked a brow, grinning like a cocky bastard. My skin was boiling. “Wipe that smug look off your face before I do it for you.” I threatened.

“Feisty.” He purred, finishing the last of his coffee.

“Eat shit.” I rolled my eyes.

“So where will you stay until you leave for the US?” Kyo questioned, changing the conversation. I
eyed him coyly.

“At Die’s?” I shrugged. I hadn’t planned on leaving.

“They don’t want to start turning your room into a nursery?” He raised a brow. I sat back, palming my face as his words sunk in. Was I that inconsiderate? Of course they’d want to start turning the guest bedroom into a nursery. I heard Kyo snort as I inwardly slapped myself.

“You’re welcome to stay with me until you leave.” He offered, a smile on his face. My stomach churned uneasily.

“I-I don’t know…do you think that’s the best idea?” I wrung my hands, avoiding his gaze. I could feel it on me.

“Saya, I’m not going to try anything. You’ve made it pretty clear that you’re not interested in me.” He rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that!” I squeaked, covering my mouth as I found myself blushing.

“So you are?” He furrowed his brows. I looked away again, wracking my brain. It wasn’t that I didn’t find myself attracted to Kyo. Hell, I was still in love with him. I just…I couldn’t handle those feelings right now. I couldn’t act on them. I wasn’t sure when I could…Any time he touched me, I was reminded of Toshiya.

“It’s just not a good time.” I sighed. Kyo narrowed his eyes, searching for some deeper meaning or better explanation. He tore his gaze away, realizing there was nothing more to be said.

“Enjoy Die’s couch then.” He murmured. “I’ve got to get back to the studio…I’ll be leaving first.” He stood from his place, slowly disappearing from sight.