Shuffle

-Saya's POV-

The television flashed, dimly lighting the living room walls. I hugged my knees on the couch, eyes set on the front door. I'd never noticed just how quiet the house was without Die and Rhu. Since living here, I never had to worry about spending an evening alone. Not until tonight.

I was a bundle of nerves. My heart pounded in my chest, swelling into my throat. Every inch of me felt fragile, as if the slightest breeze could shatter me into pieces. He was back. Toshiya was out there somewhere. Anywhere. He could be at home settling in after his long stay in rehab. He could be eating a bowl of ramen, watching porn. He could be putting clothes in his dresser. Or...he could be lurking outside in the bushes, watching me from the window. He could be waiting for the moment I unlock the door. Maybe he even found his way inside? Could he be hiding in my closet, ready to pounce the second I close my eyes to sleep?

I wouldn't be sleeping tonight.

There was a rustling at the front door, the knob suddenly jiggling as someone fidgeted with the lock. I froze in place, wide eyes cast on the entranceway. The door swung open to reveal Rhu, bags tucked under her arms. Her dark, friendly eyes met mine.

"What are you doing sitting in the dark?" She questioned, flicking the lights on as she tugged her bags inside. My gaze followed her silently, shoulders shrugging in response. "Did you have dinner? I was going to make something." She continued from the kitchen, hoisting items onto the counter.

"No." I answered, monotone. I noticed her brows furrow as she stared at me.

"Are you okay?" She frowned. I wasn't sure how to answer. I wasn't okay. But I didn't want to admit it. Apparently she picked up on my hesitance. She moved gracefully to my side, her arms wrapping around me comfortingly. She rested her head on my shoulder as I finally let my heavy lids fall shut. "He's not coming here. Die made sure of that." She whispered.

"How can you be so sure?" I quivered. She lifted her head, eyes on me.

"Well...I can't be 100% sure. But when has Die ever gone back on his word?" She smiled. I couldn't help but silently chuckle, shaking my head. She was right. But it still didn't fill the empty pit in my stomach.

"...I'm moving to New York." I hesitantly admitted, unable to look her in the eyes.

"...what?" She stuttered.

"It's not set in stone yet...but the agency agreed to transfer me to New York where I can become a producer." I whispered. "I didn't want to mention anything yet...but I couldn't keep it from you any longer."

"Do the guys all know?" She frowned. I nodded.

"They helped push the agency to make the decision."

"I see...when are you leaving?" She murmured, slowly releasing me from her embrace. I could sense her disappointment.

"They haven't given me a definite response yet." I sighed. Her gaze sauntered to mine. "I'll be sure you're the first to know." I added, lips twisting in a crooked grin.

"How long will you be gone?" She questioned.

"Honestly? I'm not sure...I don't even know if I want to come back."

"But what about your friends and family here? I'll miss you." She pouted. "And the baby needs her Aunt Saya." She teased, fingers moving to her round belly.

"I'll come visit." I smiled. "How far along are you now anyway?"

"Eighteen weeks." She smiled. "I just came back from my sonogram. She's looking healthy." I hadn't noticed until now, but Rhu had developed this motherly look. Her eyes were softer, and her entire face seemed to have matured. I wasn't sure how it was possible to change so drastically in a few short weeks...I guess motherhood does that to you. I smiled to myself when something suddenly occurred to me.

"She?" I questioned, wriggling my brows.

"Oops!" She squeaked, hands covering her lips. "I let it slip already!"

"How long have you known?"

"Almost three weeks now." She admitted. "I wanted to keep it a surprise." She smiled sadly. "I didn't want anyone getting their hopes up...it's so risky..." She trailed off, lips twisting into a frown.

"Your baby is healthy Rhu...just keep doing as the doctors say." I mirrored her own expression. Somehow I managed to turn the conversation south again. How is it our conversation topics always revolved around death?

"That's what I tell myself." She sighed. "But with Die and the doctors being so negative...sometimes it's hard to stay positive. I know they're just being realistic, but I don't like facing the possibility that both of us dying is the likely outcome." She whimpered. It was my turn to wrap my arms around her.

"I'm sorry things are how they are." I frowned. "I feel guilty leaving in the middle of everything. I promise to be there for you as best I can." I smiled. Rhu chuckled to herself.

"I know it's selfish of me...but I don't want you to leave." She choked. "I just want everyone I love to stay by my side." She laughed, tears dripping down her cheeks. "But, I know you need to do this for yourself."

"I just...hate feeling like this. I can't shake it." I sighed.

"...Is it because of him?"

"Yes." I admitted. She was silent. We both were for what felt like a long time. The two of us were just waiting for the right thing to say. But she couldn't say it...she had no idea what to say, because I never told her what happened. It was my turn to talk.

"He kept me locked up for a week. He did terrible things to me...things I can't ever forget. I can't erase them. He left scars on me. I thought he would kill me..." I felt her warm embrace, her tears falling onto my shoulder. "But I'm still here. And so is he. What's keeping him from doing it again?" I shuddered.

"All of us." She answered. "You have your family here to protect you."

"I don't want to be protected. I want to be able to defend myself. Some people may say I'm just running away...but I'm leaving to make something of myself. I'm becoming the person I want to be. I'm following my own dream."

"What about Kyo?" It drew silence. I honestly couldn't answer. What about Kyo?

She knew we had an intense connection. Something that couldn't be severed. We always would. But right now, I couldn't be with him. I wasn't sure I ever could again. The woman he loved was gone...I hardly knew myself. Regardless, I knew I wouldn't be the same without him. But he had faith in me. He knew I could do this. He had faith that I would return to him...

"I have this nasty habit of running into him." I chuckled, forcing back the salty tears that formed.

"...So I guess we should start planning a farewell party?" Rhu chuckled, wiping her cheeks clean, forcing a smile on her lips. I laughed aloud, choking back heartfelt sobs.

-Rhus' POV-

[...two weeks later...]

"I'm so bored." I muttered aloud, my own voice foreign. Two weeks had dragged by. Two pain staking, maddening, deathly boring weeks. I swear I'd sat at home alone the entire time-not a peep from anyone. No conversations, texts, calls, emails...nothing. Well, that's a bit of a stretch I suppose. I at least had daily notes and cash left behind from Die.

'At the studio all day...will be home late. Get yourself something good to eat : ) Love you <3'

He was busy preparing for their tour, day in and day out. Since Toshiya had returned, they spent all day in the studio finalizing tracks and doing god knows what else. I understand that he's busy with his career...but it would be nice to spend at least one evening a week with my boyfriend. He hadn't been to a single doctor's appointment with me.

But, I do suppose his disappearance was a relief in one way. He wasn't fretting over my pregnancy-he just took my word that everything was going well. In reality, it was agonizing. I was twenty weeks along now, and my stomach was beginning to feel like I'd swallowed a watermelon. I looked like it too. I was swollen. I ached. I spent hours on the toilet. I experienced crippling pains. I was a hot mess. And I was only going to get worse.

Die had agreed to allow me to accompany him on tour, so that he could keep careful watch over me as I was further along. But I worried he may change his mind if he discovered just how difficult this pregnancy had become. I'd done a good job of hiding it...but that was only because no one had seen me in the past two weeks!

"Ugh!" I groaned, flopping onto my back. Glancing sideways, the clock read 10:51pm.

"Hopefully he's home soon." I sighed. I was beginning to feel crazy-talking to myself day in and day out. Saya wasn't even available. She was preparing for her move to New York.

"Maybe I should get a dog...I could talk to a dog."

As if reading my mind, a metallic clatter sounded at the front door. He was home! Hallelujah! Sitting up, I hobbled to the entranceway to greet my handsome stranger. His tired eyes met mine, exhausted lips turning up in the corners.

"Welcome home." I smiled.

"I'm home." He chuckled, dropping his belongings in the hallway before scooping me up in his sleepy arms.

"I missed you." I sighed into his neck. He was warm, and smelled like sweat. But I didn't care.

"I have all day off tomorrow." Die announced, surprising me.

"Really?" I sounded. He nodded, already guiding us into our bedroom. He hadn't even removed his shoes in the doorway. I could tell that he was ready to pass out as soon as his face met his pillow.

"We leave for tour in three days, and everyone agreed that we needed a few days off to de-stress." He mused, already dropping into bed. I crawled to his side, tugging off his shoes and tossing them to the floor. He pants were soon to follow, along with his shirt.

"Mmm." He groaned, throwing his limp arms around me. He kept his eyes closed, but buried his face in my hair as I pressed against his chest. His fingers crawled beneath my shirt, and for a brief moment my skin boiled with desire at his touch. But soon, he rested on my belly, his lips twisted into a smile.

"Good night." I cooed, met by his slumbering silence. I let my own eyes fall shut, eager for the following day. My dreams were full of talking dogs that night.

[...]

Apparently Die's day off was meant to be taken as "Die's Day Off." He was the star of his own film all day, and had every intention to spend it in bed. Breakfast in bed, television in bed, lunch in bed, foot massages in bed, dinner in bed, blow jobs in bed...I'd grown irritated with his day off already.

"Do you have tomorrow off too?" I questioned, dreading the response.

"Mhmm." He nodded, arm slung around me as his eyes stayed glued on the television. I resisted the urge to cringe. "Is there anything you want to do tomorrow before we leave for tour?" He questioned.

'Not spend it in bed...' I thought to myself.

"Can we go to that park you took me to again?" I questioned.

"Park?" He cocked his head.

"The one where we rode the bikes." I reminded.

"You want to ride bikes?!" His wide eyes bounced to my stomach momentarily.

"NO!" I huffed, "I was just hoping we could go for a picnic again! In that special place!" I crossed my arms over my chest. "A little walking would be good for me."

"The doctor said..."

"Take it easy. I know." I rolled my eyes. "I said a walk...not a marathon." I snorted. He eyed me warily.

"You really don't want to just see a movie or something?" He pouted.

"I've been cooped up watching Netflix alone for weeks!" I nearly shouted, "I need some sunlight while it still lasts!" I groaned. Fall was already around the corner.

"Okay okay." He laughed. "A picnic in the park. And then partying back here."

"Party?" I questioned.

"The guys all voted our farewell bash be held here this time." He shrugged. "Kaoru hosted last time. It's my turn."

"How many people are coming?" I questioned.

"I dunno. The guys. Some friends. Girlfriends. Family. Some people from the agency..." He trailed off, noticing how I narrowed my eyes as his list grew longer. I was already picturing the cleanup.

"You couldn't rent a hall or something?" I hissed.

"It's tradition!" He croaked. I just threw my head back in defeat.

"I'm going to spend the entire day of departure cleaning while you're packing up with the guys!"

"We'll keep it clean!" He promised.

"What?! Like the last party?!" I recalled the disaster zone that was Saya's last fest...and that wasn't even a huge farewell shower. "I won't have any time to relax with you before we leave for tour." I frowned. Die's fingers caressed my shoulder, tugging my body closely.

"We'll have three months to spend together on tour." He smiled. "Three months of being crammed together on a smelly tour bus, sleeping in shady motels, and celebrating each live at shitty dive bars." He added with a nudge, a smirk in the corner of his lips.

"Sounds romantic." I grumbled, rolling my eyes.

"Hopefully you'll still fit on the tour bus." He muttered with a chuckle, his free hand tracing patterns on my round belly.

"Not nice." I huffed, swatting his hand away. He only laughed, rolling on top of me and pinning me to the bed. He had that fiery look to his gaze.

"You know...it's been a while since I've been on top of you." He purred, my heart racing in response. "We'll have to fix that." He winked. Before I could utter a word, he'd sealed my lips with his own, fingers hooking beneath my knees. He wrapped my legs around his waist before his touched slipped beneath my shirt.

He was right. It had been far too long since he'd hovered above me. That needed fixing.

-Saya's POV-

"It's official! I have a move out date!" I shouted above the blaring music, head spinning from the glass of wine in my hand.

"What?!" Rhu questioned, wide eyed. I knew she'd heard me.

"Three weeks from now!" I yelled. "I'll be living in New York!" I'd gotten the news earlier this week, and was already scrambling to find an apartment and arrange to have my belongings shipped overseas. I was overwhelmed with paperwork necessary for my permanent residence...but it was a relieving feeling in a way. I wouldn't constantly be looking over my shoulder.

"I thought they said it would take a few months?!" Rhu frowned, stepping closer.

"There was an opening in the agency." I shrugged. "Nobuo got me in."

"...Congratulations." She smiled sadly. "I can't believe I won't be here to see you off...it doesn't seem fair." I could sense her growing emotions, and noticed her eyes turning glassy. She was so hormonally emotional.

"It's no big deal." I smiled. "I'll come back to visit. You won't even know I'm gone." I laughed, nudging her in an attempt to keep the waterworks from flowing. "You're the first I told." I added with a wink.

"Really?" She smiled. I nodding, opening my arms for a hug. She eagerly accepted.

"What's Kyo going to do without his bestie?" She sniggered. I glanced away from her, my gaze searching the room for the short vocalist. His almond eyes were nowhere to be seen. I wondered if he was even here tonight?

"I saw him smoking outside earlier. He may still be out there." Rhu mused, as if able to read my mind. I glanced to her, a smile on my lips. "I'll see you later." She chuckled, nudging me away. I forced my way through the crowd of people who had gathered, making my way toward the front door.

The crisp night air was welcoming. My ears rang from the booming music. My eyes scanned the night scenery, searching for his familiar frame. Voices hummed in the quiet, growing louder as I approached. Two figures struggled in the front lawn. One short and sturdy, the other tall and lanky. I recognized both men immediately.

My feet froze midstep, heart thrumming crazily. My hands shook violently, but I couldn't turn away as both men caught my gaze. His heated almond stare was what kept me grounded.

"Get back inside Saya." Kyo hissed, shoving the taller man aside.

"W-what are you doing here?" I stumbled over the words. I wasn't even sure how they managed to escape my mouth. His black stare made my insides squirm, mind racing.

"Saya." His venomous voice slithered into my ears. His tone wasn't menacing, but his very being was uneasy for me. "Saya I came to talk to you."

"You have nothing to say to her." Kyo spat, fists colliding with Toshiya's chest. "Just get the fuck out." He growled. Toshiya's eyes wavered, guilt swimming in them. He couldn't even make eye contact with me.

"Please Saya." He pled. "I just..."

"What could you possibly have to say?" My voice growled, chest humming. "Sorry, Saya. Sorry I hurt your feelings and said mean things to you. Sorry I called you names. Sorry I hurt you, day after day. Sorry I locked you in our room for a week. Sorry I slit your skin open, Saya. Sorry I raped you while I mutilated you. Sorry I left you for dead? Sorry all my friends had to take care of you. Is that what you came to say?" I hardly recognized my own voice. His eyes moved to the floor as he wrung his hands together. Kyo's gaze moved to me, a look I couldn't quite make out.

"I...I wasn't in the right frame of mind..." He started.

"Toshiya, I don't give a fuck." I interrupted, stepping forward. I don't know how my body was even moving, or where this strength came from. "I don't care if you're sorry. I don't care what you were on. I don't care if you found God while in rehab. Quite frankly, you can go to hell...because that's where you belong." His eyes finally met mine. It had felt like years since I saw that guilty sorrow in them. But it was too late.

I turned away, moving back toward the house. Footsteps sounded out behind me, followed by a familiar, comforting shadow.

"You don't need to go back in there." Kyo's voice murmured as he caught up to me.

"I know..." I murmured, collapsing inwardly. My feet grew heavier with each step. It felt as though all my energy had drained out through my mouth, spilling to the ground. My body shook, threatening to fall to a heap.

Kyo's warm embrace held me up before dropping to the dewy grass in a comforting pile. Sobs broke from my mouth as I clung to his chest. How long had I held back this sorrow? It was as if I was experiencing everything again-everything Toshiya put me through. All those emotions I'd pushed away. They were here now, tearing apart my heart forcefully.

Kyo's fingers ran through my hair as he held me tightly, rocking silently. He rested his chin on my head, whisking away my every tear. What would I do without him? Without his warm embrace. His inappropriate humor. His gruff nature. Could I find a way to be without him?

-Rhu's POV-

I've never attempted to pack three to four months' worth of necessities. It would have been a simple matter, but I had this ever growing belly to worry about. Groaning, I shoved the last of my baggage in front of the doorway.

"Did you remember the first aid kit?" Die teased.

"Yes." I narrowed my eyes, sticking my tongue out. He smiled tenderly, wrapping his arms around me.

"Whew...babe...you stink." He grimaced.

"I know." I complained, squirming out from his grasp. "I'm gonna hop in the shower, then we can get going!" I grinned.

"We'll stop for brunch, since we're running early." He added with a wink before I disappeared into the bathroom. The warm water was heaven on my skin, and I was grateful for the opportunity to lather my body with sweet smelling soap. Really, the only thing missing right now was Die. And maybe a big hunk of chocolate. Chuckling to myself, I clumsily finished up, towel dried, and returned to meet Daisuke in the bedroom.

"Was that quick enough?" I started, grinning up at the man. But I was met with a furious gaze. Instantly, my heart sunk.

"I just got off the phone with your doctor..." He glowered, eyes enraged. "Why the hell didn't you tell me they didn't want you going on tour?!" He nearly screamed. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. They'd been telling me for a while now that touring overseas wasn't feasible in my current state...especially long term.

"I-it was just a recommendation..." I lied.

"No. Stop. I'm done with the lies." He growled. "They told me about the pains you've been experiencing-that they would only get worse. How risky any sort of stress or physical strain is on your body. That they've BEEN telling you this, AND you don't seem to comprehend it! And you've been hiding this from me?! We're supposed to be in this together!" He hollered. I felt like a child being scolded as I shrugged away, guilt ridden.

"It's not as bad as they make it out to be!" I retorted. "I didn't want you worrying, especially being as busy as you are! You haven't even had the chance to come to a doctor's appointment with me!" I excused, attempted to smooth things over.

"Is this what that is about?! You're pissed because I can't make it to all your appointments?! I try, Rhu!" He shouted. "I'm working around the clock!"

"It's not!" I huffed, unable to get more than a two word sentence in.

"I can't believe you! You know that going on tour is a serious health risk, and you didn't tell me?!" He paced, fists squeezed tightly. He moved into the hallway, and I followed behind closely. He came to a sudden halt, eyes set on our luggage. I noticed how white his knuckles had turned.

"You're not going." He stated, head shaking.

"What?!" I screeched, wide eyed and speechless. How could he just say that?!

"You're not coming with us." He narrowed his eyes. "You're staying here in Kyoto...with Saya."

"Saya is leaving in a month." I hissed, my rage peaked.

"I'll figure out something else by then." He growled. "But forget about going."

"You're being completely ridiculous! My bags are packed, everything is ready to go! I'm in perfect health! This is cruel!"

"Cruel is you lying to me about OUR baby!" He yelled. "You are staying here, like the doctors have been telling you. You will follow their orders...or..."

"Or what?! You'll punish me?! Ground me?! I'm your partner!" I shouted.

"You're not acting like one!"

"Neither are you! You're acting like my father!" He really was, with his possessiveness and lack of communication. His rage had been fueling him, and tearing us apart.

"Because you're acting like a fucking child!!!" His face was red with rage. I'd never seen him this angry before. I've never FELT this angry before.

"You know what? Just leave." I murmured. "I'd rather be alone for three months than with you." I spat. I could see his top pop off, steam pouring out.

"Then consider yourself alone." He growled, slamming the door shut on his way out. Iknew that would be the last I saw of Daisuke for the next three to four months.And right now, that was fine by me.