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[Tear in My Heart]
-Saya's POV-
[...one week later...]
[...one week later...]
Kyo had been staying with me all week long, and tonight marked his final night in New York. The guys were all packing up, but Kyo promised to meet up with me afterwards. We were all going out to celebrate one last time. I was picking up his belongings that laid strewn about my apartment. My heart ached slightly doing so. It still hadn't sunk in that this would be the last I'd see of him in a long, long, long time. Pulling open my bedside table, I noticed a familiar teal blue journal.
"Isn't this mine?" I muttered to myself, flipping through the pages of familiar script. The end caught my eye-it was something that wasn't familiar to me. There was a sketch among the faded blue lines. It suddenly jogged my memory.
'What are you writing?'
'Lyrics.'
He lied. He was drawing...a picture of me. More script caught my eye. It wasn't my own...it was his.
...
I never participated in physical education-I didn't want the others to see my body. I didn't want to be judged for the only thing that made me forget...But when they threatened to fail me in high school, I was forced to. I was right. Everyone around me changed-they teased me-I beat them. The counselor tried getting me to talk-I wouldn't. They contacted my parents. He wasn't happy-the beating only got worse.
So, I stopped going to school. I ran away from home...from him. I felt guilty leaving mom behind. I spent days in the park and nights in abandoned houses. That's when I met Die, Kaoru, Shinya, and Kisaki. I felt better playing music. Finally, there was something else that helped me forget.
When the police finally got involved and found me, I was forced to go back to school so that my parents wouldn't go to jail. I didn't want my mother going through any more than she already put up with. I started at a new high school.
I didn't care about school anymore. I was planning to drop out once La:Sadies got big enough-we would. I never paid attention-I doodled in class and worked on lyrics. Econ...that was the only class I cared to attend. Because she was there. The girl who changed my life.
She was beautiful. She wasn't Japanese. She had brunette hair and green eyes. Her skin was milky pale, and I always wondered how soft it was. She sat a few seats behind me, and I always caught her staring at my drawings. She thought she was sneaky about it-she wasn't.
Sometimes, I would give her my scribbles. I often wondered if she kept them? She did. One day she asked me "Why don't you draw happy things?" Why should I? That's what I would have said...instead, I drew her a bird. The way her eyes lit up, my heart skipped slightly.
When my father threatened to send me away if my grades dropped any further, her face came to mind. I found myself asking for her help. I could have gone to a tutor, but I wanted to see more of her. We started spending our free time together on the roof. We ate lunches together-she started bringing extra food when she realized I never ate lunch.
She had big dreams-she wanted to go to college and become a nurse. She wanted to reach people. She begged for me to sing for her when I told her I was a musician. I wouldn't. Instead, I invited her to band practice. It was the first time I'd asked anyone to listen to me. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and she couldn't take hers off me. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to taste her lips...all of her. I wanted to for a long time. So, I did.
After that, we rarely ate lunch anymore. We just made out during lunch period, rolling around, pinning each other to the roof. I wanted to do more with her...but I didn't want her to see...I didn't want the same thing to happen again. I didn't want her to leave... I looked forward to seeing her every day. I went to school every day, because I wanted to be with her. I thought about her when I was home. I thought about her, a lot. I'd never felt like this before. No one had ever looked at me the way she did. I was falling for her.
Three months passed before I told her. I loved her. The way she smiled, her brilliant eyes, her hopes and dreams, her compassion, everything. She was perfect, inside and out. And then, I showed her. I showed her the scars that covered my body as she kissed me. She didn't shrug away as she touched them. Her gaze didn't waver when she looked at them. The love in her eyes was still there, and when she told me that she was in love with me...I needed to share everything with her. No one had ever said those three words to me. No one had ever showed me what it felt like to be needed. I felt alive, because of her.
I wanted every little piece of her tangled up with me, so that we didn't know where one started and the other stopped. I wanted to get lost together. I wanted her to know how I felt inside, if that was possible. And we did. My first time...and it was with the most beautiful, perfect girl alive. I never admitted it out loud. Ever. I don't even know if she knows to this day.
She makes me feel different. I feel full. I don't need to cut myself to forget what my father did to me. She makes me forget. Every moment I'm with her I forget everything that has ever hurt me. She's my cloud nine. She's my reason. She gives me life. She is irreplaceable.
When I was told that La:Sadies got signed, I was torn. For the first time, I questioned my own hopes and dreams. Up until this moment, I lived to get away from this place. Now, the opportunity was in front of me...and I wasn't sure I should take it. She kept me tethered here in reality. Touring was always my dream, but she was my reality. And I was in love with my reality. What if the dream went up in smoke? Could I leave her behind to pursue something that may not even take off?
But then, I recalled her own hopes and dreams. She wanted to graduate high school, go to college, and become a nurse. And she was brilliant-she would do it. I couldn't ask her to wait for me. As much as I love her and want to be with her...I couldn't destroy her dreams. She had to become a nurse. And I had to pursue my own dream...
She couldn't follow me. I knew she would try. I had to break her heart...the heart of the only person who ever gave me theirs. And I'd have to break my own in the process.
She showed up at my house after a few days of skipping school. I told her La:Sadies was touring...and she would be in the way. The tears that ran down her cheeks...I cut myself deeper than I ever had before that night, and every night after. The day I left, she gave me this journal. "Never forget me." She said. I could never bring myself to read it.
Years passed before I saw her again...La:Sadies had split, and Kisaki left. Toshiya joined us and Dir en Grey formed shortly after. One night, Toshiya introduced us to his girlfriend. It was her... The look in her eyes...I knew she recognized me. I knew she hated me, even after all this time. It shattered my broken heart. But I was still in love with her. I knew it the moment I saw her.
Every time I saw her with him, I wanted to claw my own eyes out. When I saw the way he treated her...she deserved better. I wanted to steal her away. I wanted Toshiya to disappear. I wanted to kick him out of the band. I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do anything. The only person I could hurt was myself. She didn't like that.
That was the only alone time I had with her...when she was bandaging me up. I insisted it was an act for stage. In reality, I was doing it because she existed. She existed without me. I wanted to die. How could I feel this intense about one person? Some high school crush?! I've been with other women...but that's all it ever was. Why could no one replace her? Was she that irreplaceable? Was she my soul mate?
What are the odds that I would find her again after high school? And what are the odds that she's still in love with me? I will always love her...maybe someday, if she's willing to give back that heart that I destroyed...I can mend it the way she did mine. Because I don't exist without her. She patched up my broken heart with hers. There will never come a day when I don't love her. I know that now.
Saya, someday, will you marry me?
...
I never participated in physical education-I didn't want the others to see my body. I didn't want to be judged for the only thing that made me forget...But when they threatened to fail me in high school, I was forced to. I was right. Everyone around me changed-they teased me-I beat them. The counselor tried getting me to talk-I wouldn't. They contacted my parents. He wasn't happy-the beating only got worse.
So, I stopped going to school. I ran away from home...from him. I felt guilty leaving mom behind. I spent days in the park and nights in abandoned houses. That's when I met Die, Kaoru, Shinya, and Kisaki. I felt better playing music. Finally, there was something else that helped me forget.
When the police finally got involved and found me, I was forced to go back to school so that my parents wouldn't go to jail. I didn't want my mother going through any more than she already put up with. I started at a new high school.
I didn't care about school anymore. I was planning to drop out once La:Sadies got big enough-we would. I never paid attention-I doodled in class and worked on lyrics. Econ...that was the only class I cared to attend. Because she was there. The girl who changed my life.
She was beautiful. She wasn't Japanese. She had brunette hair and green eyes. Her skin was milky pale, and I always wondered how soft it was. She sat a few seats behind me, and I always caught her staring at my drawings. She thought she was sneaky about it-she wasn't.
Sometimes, I would give her my scribbles. I often wondered if she kept them? She did. One day she asked me "Why don't you draw happy things?" Why should I? That's what I would have said...instead, I drew her a bird. The way her eyes lit up, my heart skipped slightly.
When my father threatened to send me away if my grades dropped any further, her face came to mind. I found myself asking for her help. I could have gone to a tutor, but I wanted to see more of her. We started spending our free time together on the roof. We ate lunches together-she started bringing extra food when she realized I never ate lunch.
She had big dreams-she wanted to go to college and become a nurse. She wanted to reach people. She begged for me to sing for her when I told her I was a musician. I wouldn't. Instead, I invited her to band practice. It was the first time I'd asked anyone to listen to me. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and she couldn't take hers off me. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to taste her lips...all of her. I wanted to for a long time. So, I did.
After that, we rarely ate lunch anymore. We just made out during lunch period, rolling around, pinning each other to the roof. I wanted to do more with her...but I didn't want her to see...I didn't want the same thing to happen again. I didn't want her to leave... I looked forward to seeing her every day. I went to school every day, because I wanted to be with her. I thought about her when I was home. I thought about her, a lot. I'd never felt like this before. No one had ever looked at me the way she did. I was falling for her.
Three months passed before I told her. I loved her. The way she smiled, her brilliant eyes, her hopes and dreams, her compassion, everything. She was perfect, inside and out. And then, I showed her. I showed her the scars that covered my body as she kissed me. She didn't shrug away as she touched them. Her gaze didn't waver when she looked at them. The love in her eyes was still there, and when she told me that she was in love with me...I needed to share everything with her. No one had ever said those three words to me. No one had ever showed me what it felt like to be needed. I felt alive, because of her.
I wanted every little piece of her tangled up with me, so that we didn't know where one started and the other stopped. I wanted to get lost together. I wanted her to know how I felt inside, if that was possible. And we did. My first time...and it was with the most beautiful, perfect girl alive. I never admitted it out loud. Ever. I don't even know if she knows to this day.
She makes me feel different. I feel full. I don't need to cut myself to forget what my father did to me. She makes me forget. Every moment I'm with her I forget everything that has ever hurt me. She's my cloud nine. She's my reason. She gives me life. She is irreplaceable.
When I was told that La:Sadies got signed, I was torn. For the first time, I questioned my own hopes and dreams. Up until this moment, I lived to get away from this place. Now, the opportunity was in front of me...and I wasn't sure I should take it. She kept me tethered here in reality. Touring was always my dream, but she was my reality. And I was in love with my reality. What if the dream went up in smoke? Could I leave her behind to pursue something that may not even take off?
But then, I recalled her own hopes and dreams. She wanted to graduate high school, go to college, and become a nurse. And she was brilliant-she would do it. I couldn't ask her to wait for me. As much as I love her and want to be with her...I couldn't destroy her dreams. She had to become a nurse. And I had to pursue my own dream...
She couldn't follow me. I knew she would try. I had to break her heart...the heart of the only person who ever gave me theirs. And I'd have to break my own in the process.
She showed up at my house after a few days of skipping school. I told her La:Sadies was touring...and she would be in the way. The tears that ran down her cheeks...I cut myself deeper than I ever had before that night, and every night after. The day I left, she gave me this journal. "Never forget me." She said. I could never bring myself to read it.
Years passed before I saw her again...La:Sadies had split, and Kisaki left. Toshiya joined us and Dir en Grey formed shortly after. One night, Toshiya introduced us to his girlfriend. It was her... The look in her eyes...I knew she recognized me. I knew she hated me, even after all this time. It shattered my broken heart. But I was still in love with her. I knew it the moment I saw her.
Every time I saw her with him, I wanted to claw my own eyes out. When I saw the way he treated her...she deserved better. I wanted to steal her away. I wanted Toshiya to disappear. I wanted to kick him out of the band. I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do anything. The only person I could hurt was myself. She didn't like that.
That was the only alone time I had with her...when she was bandaging me up. I insisted it was an act for stage. In reality, I was doing it because she existed. She existed without me. I wanted to die. How could I feel this intense about one person? Some high school crush?! I've been with other women...but that's all it ever was. Why could no one replace her? Was she that irreplaceable? Was she my soul mate?
What are the odds that I would find her again after high school? And what are the odds that she's still in love with me? I will always love her...maybe someday, if she's willing to give back that heart that I destroyed...I can mend it the way she did mine. Because I don't exist without her. She patched up my broken heart with hers. There will never come a day when I don't love her. I know that now.
Saya, someday, will you marry me?
...
My heart throbbed reading those final words. I hardly had time to process a thing before a knock broke my concentration. I glanced at the clock-I'd been reading for over an hour. He was already here to pick me up. I quickly composed myself, stuffing the journal back in the drawer before greeting him.
"Ready to g-You're not wearing that are you?" Kyo questioned, noting my frumpy appearance. I still wore his oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts.
"No no." I quickly shook my head. "Come in...I'm just running behind." I excused. He followed me back to my bedroom, making himself comfortable on my bed as I flitted through the room.
"You packed up my stuff?" He questioned, noting the pile in the corner.
"What? Oh...yeah. I thought it would be easier for you...so you weren't in a hurry tomorrow morning." I explained. I wanted every possible minute with him I could get. I tossed a dress onto the bed at his side, disappearing into the bathroom to run a comb through my hair and put some quick makeup on. I shrugged out of my pants and shirt, already forgetting I'd left my clothes at Kyo's side.
My head was a jumble of confusion.
"Sorry...I forgot my dress..." I apologized, meeting him in only my bra and underwear. His eyes were wide as I grabbed for the garment. I quickly turned away, but soft, warm hands were suddenly on my waist, wrapping around my bare hips to draw me closer.
"K-Kyo!" I squeaked, quickly attempting to cover myself.
"No. Don't." He huffed, pushing my hands away as he rested his face on my bare back, fingers skimming the uncovered skin of my stomach. "I missed feeling how soft you are." He whispered, breath tickling the hair between my shoulder blades. I shivered at the sensation, face red with embarrassment. But oddly, I didn't stop him.
I didn't push him away as his touch fell across the scars covering my stomach and thighs. I didn't stop him as he spun me around, pulling me onto his lap while his lips rested on my collarbone. I didn't say no as he tenderly sucked on my neck.
In fact, I let my eyes fall shut as my hips rubbed against his. Nothing inside me screamed no as I fell on top of him. Everything inside me was saying yes as his lips finally crashed into mine, his tongue dancing with my own. I mewed as his teeth gently captured my lip, fingers tangling through my hair.
I called out his name as I felt the friction building between our bodies. And he whispered mine. His fiery eyes filled me with passion, something I hadn't experienced in ages. I ripped the shirt off his torso, my touch skimming over his abdomen. I traced the tiger that rested on his pelvis, bringing my lips low to kiss the inked skin as my fingers moved lower.
"Saya..." He breathed as I touched the stretched fabric of his jeans, moments later fumbling with his buttons. His gaze captured mine as I tugged his pants off, briefs still in place. He pulled me back up, rolling overtop of me to trail his lips along the curves of my body.
His warm breath set me ablaze, yearning for more and more of his touch. He moved to my pelvis, lips skimming the thin fabric of my panties. I didn't find myself pushing him away. I pulled him closer as he removed that final article of clothing. I cried out his name as his kisses finally fell on my neediest area. I forgot how to breathe as his tongue danced circles around me. I writhed when his touch moved inside me perfectly.
"Kyo!" I panted as he nearly immediately brought me to climax. His passionate eyes peered into mine as he sucked fingers sticky with honey. "Don't stop." I pled, fingers unconsciously pulling at his underwear. He smirked as I removed the clothing article, wrapping my body around his.
Kyo's touch rested on my cheek momentarily, his gaze soft. I knew what it was saying.
I captured his lips, his strong embrace wrapping about my torso. I gasped with pleasure as he plunged into me, nothing but ecstasy filling my body. Each thrust built me up higher and higher, leaving me ready to burst. My hips moved against his, pleading with him for sweet relief.
"Tooru..." I cooed, eyes falling shut as I sealed every moment of this into my memory. My fingers dug into him as my inner cup finally spilled over. His was as well. We filled each other, heavy panting filling the room. His gentle eyes were on mine, fingers moving lavender chunks out of my eyes.
"You're so beautiful." He whispered, lips moving along mine yet again. I couldn't get enough of his touch tonight. I didn't want it to stop.
"I love you." I purred between kisses.
"I love you too." His lips turned into a smile, arms tugging me closer. His body pressing against mine was perfect. He was perfect.
-Rhu's POV-
Dad has been here every day this week. I know I told him I'd love for him to be back in my life...but I figured it would just be on a weekend basis or something.
"Do you need me to come to your doctor's appointment with you today? Emma is out shopping right now." Dad peered into my bedroom as I tugged a shirt over my stomach.
"Dad!" I squeaked, "A little privacy please?!" I groaned.
"Sorry." He apologized.
"If you really want to come you can." I sighed, exiting my room.
"Oh good. I think it would be a good idea if you asked about your pains too." He added.
"I know." I rolled my eyes. "Maybe you should stay home after all." I grumbled under my breath.
"Have you spoken to...Daisuke was it?"
"Yeah-Daisuke. And no. I usually call him after my appointment." I shrugged.
"Aaah." He nodded, walking with me and grabbing the keys.
"...How are you handling things?" He questioned.
"Things? Like my boyfriend breaking up with me and being a single mom?" I glanced up at him, a frown plastered on my face. "Just great..."
"I'm sorry things are like this for you...I wish it was happening differently."
"Me too." I sighed.
"...Would you get back together with him if things were different?"
"I love Die." I frowned, "I want to be with him. He even proposed to me. He wanted to marry me and make things work...but...it just wasn't working." I forced a chuckle, shaking my head as we drove down the road. "The distance is too much."
"Why can't you just come back here with the baby when he is away on the road? If he's making enough money to support both of you, you don't need to work." He added.
"I don't want to feel like a mooch." I frowned.
"If he's offered, it's not mooching." He shrugged. "Do you want some advice, as a father? Albeit a shitty one...but a father none the less."
"Sure." I sighed.
"Go back to him. You love him-I can see that. And missing your children's life? Well, that's the worst feeling in the world. When I lost your mother, I couldn't handle it. You two were the only thing that kept me going. If I didn't have you, I would have drank myself to death ages ago. Daisuke isn't going to have either you or that baby...that will break a man. And seeing the love of your life like that...it'll break you too."
I let his words sink in. Deep. I was surprised to hear those words escaping from his mouth. It made sense.
"...I need to reschedule this appointment." I uttered, shaking my head as I pulled my phone out. "Please take me back home." I plead as I pulled up Dir en Grey's tour information. Philadelphia tonight. At least they weren't in California. I dialed Die's number, but it went straight to voicemail. I wasn't surprised. It usually did.
"Daisuke, I'm sorry about the way things are right now. I'm on my way to your show tonight...I need to see you. I want to give this another shot...I'm not giving up on us yet. I love you, and I want us to be a family. I'll see you later."
I was on the next flight to Philadelphia.
-Saya's POV-
I was seeing the guys off for the final time. Who knows when they would all be back in New York?
"Bye!" I choked as we stood outside the tour bus. They were heading to Philadelphia next.
"We're going to miss you even more now!" Shinya and Die sobbed, wrapping their arms around me as Toshiya boarded the bus without a single glance toward me.
"I'm definitely going to need to come visit you all in Japan now." I sniffled, squeezing them tightly.
"Let us know when you plan to visit...I'll host your homecoming party." Kaoru chuckled, joining in on the farewell hug.
"Thanks." I laughed. A few more words were exchanged before the other three boarded the bus. It was just Kyo and me now...I was going to cry, that much was certain. He stepped in close, wrapping his strong arms around me, holding me tightly.
"Become the best quickly so that I don't have to wait too long for you." He teased, cradling my head in his hands.
"Okay." I sniffed. "Please visit." I cracked.
"Every day off I get." He chuckled, pulling away to reveal a sad smile. "As long as you promise to do the same." I nodded, lips trembling.
"Just kiss her already! We know you two are fucking!" Die's voice yelled out from above us. I glaced up to note he, Shinya, and Kaoru all had their faces glued to the windows.
"Kaoru? You too?!" I tutted, rolling my eyes. I felt a smile tugging at my lips before Kyo pulled my face to his, locking me in the most passionate kiss. I even felt my foot pop. I was light headed by the time he let go, and almost didn't hear the whistling from above us. Almost...
"I'll always love you." He whispered, his fingers resting on my cheeks. I cherished that last bit of warmth as he pulled away.
"I'll always love you." I smiled sadly, watching with tears as he boarded the bus and they pulled away. Arms waved from the windows, and the frosty October air whisked away my tears.
-Rhu's POV-
I stood outside the venue, waiting in line to be admitted inside. My body ached, head spinning as I leaned against the cool cement building.
"Not now..." I hissed to my stomach, noticing the stares I was receiving from concerned line mates. I hadn't been feeling right since mid-flight, but I insisted on getting straight to the venue. I purchased my ticket online after multiple attempted calls to Die's phone. All went straight to voicemail. I could feel my body growing hot, ears ringing as I fought to stay conscious.
"Are you okay?" A voice asked from my side. I glanced over, a young man staring back at me. His dark brows were furrowed, blue eyes staring intensely.
"Could you help me to the doors? I need to get inside." I exhaled, realizing I couldn't fight back any longer.
"...They probably won't let you in." The kid frowned, but I threw an arm over his shoulders regardless.
"I'm going to pass out." I huffed. "And I don't want to be stepped on..." I struggled for words, stomach on fire. I wrapped my free arm around my stomach, noting just how hot my skin was. Sidewalk moved below me as I realized we were stumbling our way to the doorway. I closed my eyes, resisting the urge to vomit.
"Can you let her inside? She said she's about to pass out..." The boy explained.
"Doors open in...17 minutes." Another voice informed. I cracked my eyes open, staring down at my legs as something warm trickled down them. I brought my fingers closer to investigate, noticing they were sticky with blood.
"She's bleeding..." The boy stated, holding me up as my legs gave way, everything going fuzzy around me. More arms gathered my body as my vision went black. I could still hear noises echoing around me before the thunderous sound of instruments met my ears.
"Get Die..." I murmured before connecting with the ground.
♠ ♠ ♠
[i
Hey there! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed... CHAPTER 21!!!! I decided to update early...I was excited to get this chapter out there, and I thought the last one was a bit disappointing x) I still can't believe how far along this story has come! This is my longest work (counting pages).
So, a lot has happened. Rhu wants to make things work with Die...but in the process she's gotten herself into some serious trouble :/ I hope she and the baby will be okay...but I guess that is something you'll find out in the next chapter! Saya seems to have gotten over her aversion to physical contact ;p haha And what did you think about the little snippet into Kyo's past? I hope you enjoyed his little journal entry...and his "proposal!" I wonder how Saya will react???
Thanks again for reading, commenting, voting, recommending, etc! Okay, for real, there are...TWO CHAPTERS REMAINING!!!!! I have the next one written, but I'm struggling with the final chapter. It's just not living up to my expectations. So, hopefully I get some inspiration in the next two weeks...I can't believe this is going to be wrapped up in two weeks! Again, thank you all so much for your support!
I love you all! See you next week!
xoxdiebearxox
Hey there! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed... CHAPTER 21!!!! I decided to update early...I was excited to get this chapter out there, and I thought the last one was a bit disappointing x) I still can't believe how far along this story has come! This is my longest work (counting pages).
So, a lot has happened. Rhu wants to make things work with Die...but in the process she's gotten herself into some serious trouble :/ I hope she and the baby will be okay...but I guess that is something you'll find out in the next chapter! Saya seems to have gotten over her aversion to physical contact ;p haha And what did you think about the little snippet into Kyo's past? I hope you enjoyed his little journal entry...and his "proposal!" I wonder how Saya will react???
Thanks again for reading, commenting, voting, recommending, etc! Okay, for real, there are...TWO CHAPTERS REMAINING!!!!! I have the next one written, but I'm struggling with the final chapter. It's just not living up to my expectations. So, hopefully I get some inspiration in the next two weeks...I can't believe this is going to be wrapped up in two weeks! Again, thank you all so much for your support!
I love you all! See you next week!
xoxdiebearxox