Shuffle

"You have one new message...Daisuke, I'm sorry about the way things are right now. I'm on my way to your show tonight...I need to see you. I want to give this another shot...I'm not giving up on us yet. I love you, and I want us to be a family. I'll see you later. End of messages." I furrowed my brows, confused by Rhu's voicemail.

"What's the hold up? We were supposed to start meet and greets 15 minutes ago...we're going to go on late..." Toshiya complained as we sat backstage in full makeup. I caught Kyo rolling his now white eyes.

"There's an issue in the front." Kaoru sighed coming through the doorway, a woman behind him.

"The ambulance is here. We should be admitting fans soon." She quickly explained.

"What was the problem?" I questioned.

"A pregnant woman...she started labor or something." She shrugged, moving on to rant off a list of stage basics. My heart thrummed nervously after just having heard Rhu's voicemail. It had to be a coincidence...but something inside told me it wasn't...

"I'll be back..." I murmured, pushing my way past the group.

"We're about to start!" The woman argued, but I ignored her finding my way to the front hall. My feet stopped in their tracks, heart dropping to the floor as my gaze landed on Rhu in a stretcher, paramedics at her side. I blinked, shaking my head momentarily. I had to be hallucinating. But there she was...

"Rhu..." I stuttered, stepping closer.

"Stand back please." The paramedics ordered.

"That's my girlfriend..." I stammered, meeting both their gazes. "And my baby." I finally cracked as they moved her through the front doors. I followed out of instinct.

"If you're coming, get in now." They ordered. "Otherwise you can follow us to the hospital."

"Die..." Shinya's voice sounded out. I glanced back to see that he'd followed me. He was missing the color from his face. I stood slack jawed, the words stuck in my throat.

"Go." He finally stated, pushing me toward the ambulance. I climbed in, taking my place at her side. I took her hand unconsciously, noting the blood that covered her fingers. They placed a mask over her face, speaking too quickly for me to understand what they were saying. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

...

"You're Dir en Grey!" A petite girl exclaimed from behind Saya.

"This is Rhu." Saya introduced. Rhu made her way to my side, greeting everyone. Her large, chocolate brown eyes were nearly masked by thick black lashes. Chesnut curls fell to her waist. She had a brilliant smile that lit up her entire face. And her skin was covered in freckles. I'd never seen so many freckles in my life. She was beautiful.

...

"They'll probably be here soon..." She trailed off, eyes veering away from mine as her skin tinted pinker by the second. I held her hand, unable to resist the urge to run my fingers along her milky skin. Her supple pink lips parted slightly as beautiful brown eyes locked with mine. I couldn't stop myself...I closed the distance between us, tasting her sweet kiss.

"You're drunk!" She squeaked, pushing me away before I had the chance to move any farther. I was awestruck by my own behavior...had I seriously done that?! As the doorknob jiggled, she quickly disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Something about her was irresistible. I couldn't stop myself from sneaking into her bed that night. She slept serenely, swimming in one of my tank tops and shorts. I crept under the covers, surprised to find her snuggle up close. Her soft hair tickled my chest as I trailed my fingers along her skin. I let my eyes fall shut, content with the sleeping beauty next to me.

...

Rhu's fingers laced with mine as we moved through the streets of Kyoto. Suddenly, she stopped beneath a street light to gaze up at me. Without warning, she wrapped her arms around my neck, her lips colliding with mine. I let my arms wrap around her torso, bringing her supple body closer. That night we continued on the couch, limbs tangled as her sweet voice filled the room. Her body on mine was perfect...I couldn't wait to feel more of her. I let my fingers dip below her waistline before she pushed me away, panting. "I-I'm a virgin." She admitted, eyes on the floor. I suddenly felt like some sort of predator as I took my hands on her.

"I won't force you." I promised. She smiled tenderly, placing her lips against mine. My heart fluttered momentarily, but that was all.

...

'I want to sleep with you this weekend.' Rhu's text read as I prepared for tour. My stomach churned uneasily. I knew what she meant...she wanted me to take her virginity. But I'd never done that...that was something special. I wasn't the person to take that. I wasn't special.

I spied her in the crowd in Tokyo. She was right in the front, those chocolate eyes studying me. They were full of lust. It took every ounce of power in me to feign sleep that night...especially when she wore a skimpy, silk pajama. Rhu, you will be the death of me.

...

We were sprawled out on a sheet off the bike trail. We'd just finished lunch, and were now enjoying dessert-each other. My lips fell onto her neck, a sensual moan escaping her throat. "Sorry." I whispered, pulling away.

"Don't be." She smirked, attempting to pull me back.

"We should get back now...I only have an hour rental on these bikes..." I lied. She looked disappointed. After an eventful evening, we collapsed into our suite. "Sorry about earlier." I frowned. Her eyes gazed up at me. "I think I gave you the wrong idea...I don't want to take your virginity. I don't want that burden..." She looked hurt.

"I-I need to pee." She squeaked, hiding her face as she disappeared into the restroom. My stomach churned with guilt. I know it came out wrong, but I didn't know how else to put it into words.

"Rhu." I frowned. I could hear her sobs. The fact that I was the reason for those tears...I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

...

I found myself waiting outside her door, searching for the right words to say. It had been a week since either of us had even spoken to each other. Did she hate me? After all...I said I didn't want the burden of taking her virginity. Throughout the conclusion of our tour, I couldn't get those chestnut curls, supple lips, or brilliant eyes out of my mind. I couldn't stand one more minute of not hearing her beautiful voice or pearly smile. I still wasn't sure what I was going to say...but I found my fist knocking on her door regardless.

She appeared before me, brows furrowed in confusion. Her tiny frame was hidden under an oversized sweater, hair thrown into a messy bun. I couldn't stop myself...this wasn't a time for words. Everything came pouring out.

"Die?" She questioned, unable to get a second word out before I wrapped her up, lips colliding with eachother. We lost all sense of time in that moment, gripping eachother tightly as if one of us would disappear in a moment's notice. We had to stop to breathe, those eyes staring up at me. "What the fuck?!" She breathed, brows narrowed. "How can you just disappear for a week and then pretend like everything is normal?! I haven't heard from you! I thought you hated me!"

"I thought you hated me!" I retorted. "After what I said...why would you want to see my face again?!"

"What? That you don't want to have sex with me?!"

"That's not what I said! I didn't want to take your virginity! I want to have sex with you! I want you so bad Rhu!! I can't control myself around you!" I hollered, frustrated with my own lack of control. Whenever I saw her, I just wanted to ravage her.

"Well then have sex with me!" She demanded. "Take my virginity! I don't want it...I want you!" She huffed, intense eyes on mine. My mouth hung open as her words registered. In an instant, I had her lips glued to mine, our bodies colliding.

"Take me to my room." She purred. I picked her up bridal style, eagerly complying. That night was unforgettable. Everything about her was unforgettable.

...

"Are you going to come back and visit after you return home?" I questioned, guitar in hand as she sat by my side.

"Whenever I can." She smiled. Her smile was contagious.

"Good. I'm going to miss you." I set my guitar aside, pulling her into my lap.

"Will you come visit me?" She plead, resting her soft hair on my chest, fingers tracing delicate patterns.

"Of course." I smiled. It wasn't a lie...I enjoyed spending time with her. I let my eyes fall shut as her fingers traced my jawline. "Let's go home." She whispered, lips on my neck. Home. It really did feel like home at her side.

...

Beep beep beep. An alarm droned, momentarily waking me of my slumbler.

"Sorry, I had my alarm set for class." Rhu's voice quickly apologized. "Go back to sleep, I'm just going to the bathroom. Sleep well." I could have sworn I heard her utter 'I love you.' But soon, sleep took hold. When I woke, the bed was empty. The clock read 10:39am.

"Rhu?" I questioned, hoping to hear her in the bathroom. No response. She must be downstairs. Yawning, I carried myself to the kitchen. There was a note addressed to me.

Daisuke,

It's selfish of me to leave you without saying goodbye. Please don't take it personally. I knew if I saw anyone's faces, I couldn't step onto that plane. I need to return to Boston-I need to care for my sister and father. I had an amazing month in Japan with you. It felt like a dream. I will never forget the time we spent together, nor the moments we shared. I knew it was wrong for me to pursue a relationship with someone on the other side of the world. But still, I managed to fall in love with you. Thank you for letting me experience that. I hope you're able to forgive me.

-Rhu

I reread her note countless times. It still hadn't sunk in. Rhu was gone...In an instant she had disappeared from my life. Not only that, but she was in love with me. My heart ached as I glanced around Saya's home, realizing those chocolate brown eyes wouldn't be there to greet me. I wouldn't hear her sweet laughter or gentle cooing again. Her touch was nowhere to be found. It was as if she never existed...

...

A monotone ring sounded out in the metal contraption, stopping my own heart.

"We're losing her!" Those three words broke me of my concentration. They forced air into her lungs, pressing against her chest while the ambulance swayed from side to side. Time seemed to stop, everything frozen around me. Was this it? The moment we'd been dreading?

"She's stabilized again." One man stated. "She's going to need an emergency c-section."

"We're here!" The driver exclaimed, doors quickly opening. They wheeled her out, my feet carrying me alongside them. I was stopped by a set of double doors as she moved forward, farther and farther from me.

"Sir, you will have to wait in the waiting room. No admittance into the OR." A woman stated, guiding me down narrow white halls.

"Is she going to be okay?" I stammered, gazing backwards. She was no longer in sight.

"We will inform you of her condition." She assured. "Rest here." We were already in the waiting room. How could she expect me to rest? As if reading my mind, she assisted me into a chair, her hands resting gently on my shoulders. I stared blankly ahead, mind racing. I sat in the same position, closing my eyes so I wouldn't forget to blink.

Her face shone brilliantly behind my eyelids, her voice ringing in my ears. I could feel her touch on my body, smell her scent all around me.

...

Weeks had passed. Nearly a month. At first, I was angry for the way she left. I resented her for ceasing all communication with me. But I finally came to terms with her duty to her family. Family should always come first. It took a strong person to leave behind love to care for another. So when I learned that one of those people had put her in the hospital, my blood boiled. Fueled by rage, I found myself on a porch in Gloucester, waiting for those chocolate eyes to greet me yet again. I knew then that there was no giving up on her. I was in love with her, unconditionally. Her figure hobbling out of the minivan proved that. I found her in my arms, fitting perfectly, like a puzzle piece. Just like that...I was home again.

"...I'm here, because I love you too Rhu." I explained. Tears filled those beautiful eyes before I stole a kiss. But what next? I couldn't stay here...would she return with me?

At the beach, I asked just that. "Come home with me." I plead.

"...When?" It sounded promising. But in the end, she decided to stay home. I stood at the taxi, loading the last of my belongings. The girl I loved stood on the porch with her aunt and sister. Who was I to beg her to come with me? Her family was here...

Glancing over one last time, I couldn't help but smile. She ran into my arms.

"Let's go home." She whispered.

...

Rhu was pregnant. I was almost sure of it. She'd been sick for nearly three weeks. She LOOKED pregnant, as rude as that sounds. I was growing frustrated as she refused to take a test. Finally, with Saya's convincing, she agreed. I stood outside the bathroom door, impatiently waiting. It finally cracked open.

"I can't look..." She shook. I did.

"What do two lines mean?" I questioned.

"...I'm pregnant." She stuttered. I felt my heart drop. Rhu was pregnant...how could this have happened? "We still have options..." She murmured. Options...in other words...killing our baby...I was a dad...

"Is that what you want?" I frowned.

"I-I don't know what I want." She cried.

"Let's go see a doctor."

...

"You're about 13 weeks along!"

"13 weeks?!" I stammered. Was that even possible?

"The night I lost my virginity..." She whispered. I counted on my fingers...she was right. The woman showed us everything-our baby had fingers, toes, almost everything.

"This is odd..." She trailed off. I felt my heart drop. A second doctor later came in to explain Rhu's ectopic pregnancy. She and the baby could die...I gazed at her. I couldn't imagine her not being here. She was home. We could have other children, when the time was right.

"I'm not getting an abortion!"

"We can have more children! This is too risky! You heard the doctor!" But Rhu was stubborn and set in stone. She would have this baby, if it killed her or not.

...

Kneeling down in the sand, I glanced up at Rhu. She held the ring in one hand, seashell in the other. "Rhu...would you marry me?" I proposed, shaking nervously. Her face wasn't what I expected. She didn't cry or scream...she didn't even smile.

"...We should talk..."

She didn't just want to be married because we were having a baby, or because she may die. She wanted it because I love her. But that's what it was...love. I was on my last nerve with everything. Fighting over the baby, she wasn't taking proper care of herself...and the final straw...she was hiding severe pains from me. I couldn't keep this up anymore. She was draining me completely.

"You're not coming on tour." I narrowed my eyes. We fought, again, and I left. That was the last I heard from her. I left messages every night, pleading with her to consider her health. I wanted us to make it out of this okay. I wanted a family. But then, she left me, again. My heart ached as I realized she and I weren't meant to be. As much as I loved her, she would never stay with me. How could I expect her to?

"You should stay here..." I concluded, again waiting on her porch in Gloucester. She didn't stop me from leaving. Her eyes were full of tears as I bid farewell to the love of my life and my child. "Please take care of yourself." I just wanted her to be happy. Standing at my taxi, I couldn't help but glance over at her one last time. Her eyes were shut serenely, as if sleeping. I knew she wouldn't be running to my side this time, and it tore me apart. The driver carried me away, tears falling into my lap.

...

"Die?" Kaoru's face appeared before me, the rest of the guys surrounding him. I gazed up at him, tears filling my eyes. What could I say? I didn't know what was going on. It was a long night of waiting, the five of us sprawled out on waiting room couches and chairs.



"Saya, can you get those final revisions to me before lunch?" Joselyn, my new supervisor, requested. I glanced up at her from behind piles of unfinished work.

"...I'm a bit tied up at the moment..." I started, but she walked away. "I guess that was more of demand than a request..." I grumbled, sifting through piles for the items she required. I already missed working for SMJ...I missed my coworkers. I missed seeing my friends daily. New York isn't all it was cut out to be after all...

My phone buzzed in my pocket, over and over again. I pulled it out to mute it when I noticed the caller ID-it was Kaoru.

"Hello?" I answered, concerned with the number of missed calls.

"Saya, thank god." He exhaled. "I've been trying to reach you all day."

"Yeah, I'm stuck at work." I frowned.

"Can you take an early day?" He questioned.

"...Um...I doubt it. Why?"

"Rhu is in the hospital..."

"Did she have the baby?" I furrowed my brows. She wasn't far enough along to be giving birth.

"She had an emergency c-section. She and the baby are both in critical condition...You should be here..." I could hear the frown in his voice. I stared at my piles of papers. What could I do? "She's not going to make it...Die needs you here..." He added. My heart dropped as I finally stood on my feet.

"Where are you?" I questioned.

"Philadelphia hospital." He answered. I wasn't sure how soon I could get to Philly...I was going to be in so much trouble.

"...I'm on my way." I sighed, hanging up.



"Daisuke?" A familiar voice sounded out, fingers shaking my tired frame. Opening my eyes, I was faced with Shinya. "Are you awake?" He questioned. I rubbed my eyes nodding. I wasn't even sure I slept. A woman in scrubs stood at his side, eyes on me.

"Would you like to meet your daughter?" She questioned. "She's no longer in critical condition, but will need to remain here until she stabilizes." I nodded, feet following the woman down white halls. She brought me into the NICU where she gestured to a glass chamber full of plugs and chords.

"Have you named her?" She questioned.

I hadn't even met her yet...I didn't answer as I peered inside at my little girl. She was so small and fragile looking. She could fit in the palm of my hand... I could hardly see her among all the equipment.

"She's 25 weeks...our youngest survivor." The woman noted. I let my fingers rest on the glass, eyes watering as I took note of the freckles covering my little girl's body. She looked just like her mother. I longed to hold her...but she was just so small.

"How is Rhu?" I questioned. The woman didn't answer immediately. "She is unresponsive...we will let you know if her condition changes." She frowned.

"W-what happened?" I stammered.

"Her fallopian tube ruptured due to the trauma of her flight to Philadelphia. She hemorrhaged. We brought her in after she collapsed, and performed an emergency c-section to remove the baby." She stopped there. My eyes were still on the baby in front of me. I couldn't come to terms with it.

"...Is she dying?" I choked.

"...Her organs are shutting down to keep the vital ones functioning. We're doing all we can...but at this point...we need her to fight..." She answered.

"When can I see her?" I questioned.

"When her condition stabilizes...or..." She trailed off.

"When she's not getting any better..."

She was silent. My legs gave way as I fell to the floor in sobs, heart aching.



'Why hadn't I called her? Why didn't I apologize? Why didn't I listen to her?' I repeated those questions over and over throughout my flight. I felt ready to vomit. Would I get there in time to apologize? Could I make things better? I always told myself that good things come to those who wait, but what happens when you run out of time?

Rhu didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve the last two months...I should have been there for her, at least.

Glass doors opened to reveal a familiar group of faces sat gathered in the waiting room. Kaoru, Shinya, Toshiya, Kyo, Die, Emma, Opal...every one of them was morose. Die's was the worse. I sat beside him, silently resting my head on his shoulder. I could feel his gaze slowly turning to me, body rigid. My heart ached imagining the pain he was feeling.

"...She looks just like Rhu..." He uttered, failing to bring a smile to his face. I fought the tears that welled in my eyes.

"Have you thought of a name?" I choked. He shook his head, body quivering. What an insensitive question to ask...but what else do you say?

"...I thought she'd be here...to make this decision together..." His face dropped to my shoulder as I held him tighter. I felt like this was all I could do. I buried my own face in his stiff hair, letting the tears drip down my face. I kept him in my arms until he went limp, lack of sleep finally taking its toll.

Cautiously, I left him to sleep on the lumpy bench. I noticed Kyo exiting the front doors, fishing through his pockets for a cigarette. I followed behind silently, taking my place at his side. His almond eyes fell on mine as he brought the dimly lit stick to his lips. I rested my back on the cool concrete wall, body slipping to the floor. He followed suit, free arm tugging me close.

We sat together in comfortable silence. I watched as his cigarette burned away to nothing, smoke trailing in front of us.

'Saya, someday, will you marry me?' The words written in my journal echoed in my head. All the feelings he laid before me filled my every thought. Our hearts beat together, side by side, perfectly content. When he was away, I craved his presence. I needed his crooked smile. I fantasied about those almond flecked eyes. I felt empty without his touch. I was empty without him.

What was I thinking moving to New York? What would I do if he suddenly vanished? Could I go on? Why even risk it? My place wasn't in New York...it was at his side. It always had been.

"I'll marry you." I whispered, resting my tired head on his shoulder. He gazed down at me, surprise evident in his eyes. "I don't belong in New York...I belong with you." I muttered. I felt the weight of his head resting on mine.

"...Is it cruel for me to be happy right now?" He questioned, cigarette butt bouncing off the cement from between his fingers. I shook my head.

"Rhu would be happy." I chuckled, a tear dripping down my cheek.

"I love you." He whispered.

"I'll always love you." I replied, lips resting on his cheek.