Rattled Bones

Bucky was hunched over the dining room table, his metal hand gripping a bottle of whiskey he had found hidden among the cupboards. He had refused to leave the facility where Rose was being housed for her safety and Steve wasn’t going to try to stop him either. A part of him had given up hope that the Rose he had known so long ago was alive. He was beginning to realize that no matter how hard they tried, Rosie was lost forever.

Bringing the bottle to his lips, he reminisced back to a time where the two had confessed their love to each other. It was right before he was about to ship out. A smile graced his lips as he thought about how unfortunate and stubborn the two were to have come to their realizations. It was his fault, really. The two had gotten into a fight and he had blown it out of the proportion and said a few words he never meant. Thinking back on it now, he wished that she never would have come back to his place that night. For a second, wishing that she would have stayed where she was and then maybe, just maybe she wouldn’t be where she was now.

It was hard conversing with her, between the fact that she had no idea who he was and her permanent confused expression that stuck on her face, it was just unbearable at times. He could see that she was trying to remember him and for a split second it would bring a jolt of happiness to his heart but a string of heavy sadness would soon follow suit. All he wanted was for her to remember him, to remember how much she meant to him and vice versa. He needed his Rosie to help him through the mess he had gotten himself weaved into.

His body tensed when he heard faint sounds of yelping and screaming. His head craned towards the sound before he realized that it was Rose. Shooting up from his spot, he clumsily ran down the hall and towards the room she was kept in. Swinging open the door, he rushed to her bedside.

Rose was clawing at the air, thrashing and kicking her feet, getting entangled in her sheets. Sweat was running down her face as she cried out, her hands frantically moving up and down; causing items in her room to get flung around the place. Bucky ducked and dodged the clock and books that were flying around the room as he placed firm hands on her upper arm.

“Rosie! Rose, calm down.”

Her eyes snapped open, the sound of his voice luring her out of her nightmare. The items dropped, crashing against the ground as she sat up. Her hands clawed at her face, trying to remove the hair that clung to her wet skin. Her chest heaving against the pounding of her heart against her ribcage. She frantically tried to get her eyes to adjust, soon meeting Bucky’s gaze. “What-what happened?”
He straightened up, his hands falling to his side as he calmly answered. “You were having a nightmare.” Bucky let his eyes trail her for a moment before he headed out of the door.

“Wait!” Rose swallowed hard, her eyes straining against the dark. “Please don’t go.” She whispered out, whimpering as she felt so silly to be afraid of being alone.

His jaw tightened as he listened to her words. He ran the metal hand throw his dark locks as he nodded and headed for the chair that sat in the corner next to the bed. Taking his seat, he clasped his hands across his waist as he got comfortable. This was the most time he had spent with her since she had brutally attacked him, it was strange to know someone but at the same time not.

Rose pulled herself completely up, leaning her back against the wall as she hugged her knees tight against her chest. The two sat in silence before she finally mustered up the courage to speak. “I’m so sorry.” It was hardly even a whisper but she knew he had heard her from the sharp intake of air he had taken. She was desperate to find his face in her head, desperate to feel something other than hollowness. She was missing apart of herself, she was just a shell of the woman they used to know. She wanted to believe Bucky was the faceless man in her dreams but no matter how hard she tried to place his on it, it would just erase and fade.

Bucky closed his eyes, “Don’t be.” It was all he could say. It killed him to hear her apologize for something that he had caused. He never should have pursued her, he should have taken her no and left. It was because of him that she was still alive and facing the most difficult time anyone could ever face. “It’s alright.”

A tear fell down her face as she read between the lines of his words, she could hear the desperation and sadness lacing the spaces. Leaning her head against the wall, she looked up at the ceiling, closing her eyes too as she tried once more to place him against the memory she had replayed over and over again since it had risen. She was making love to a faceless man, so much passion and love was pouring out of their bodies and into one another. It was romantic and pure, not messy and emotionless. It was radiating desire and nothing less.

Shaking her head, she grabbed fistfuls of her sheets, saying through gritted teeth. “It isn’t. It is not alright.” Her eyes snapped open, turning her head towards him. The moonlight casted its light on him, letting her see the beauty in him. His stone cold eyes held emotion that he was desperately wearing on his sleeves, “How can you say that? How can you look at me and say that it’s alright?”

Bucky wished he had that bottle of whiskey right about now. He looked at her, watching the little twitches in her face as he took a deep breath. He clenched and unclenched his fists, finally tearing his eyes from hers to look at his metal limb; watching as it rippled with his motion. “Because,” he spoke firmly, still watching his arm, “because I can’t make you remember me. I have no control over that. It’s my fault why you’re here.” Slowly, he let his eye trail from his limb to the floor and back to her eyes. “It’s punishment for ever making you fall in love with me that you don’t remember.”

“What about me?” She asked, her voice cracking. Rose leaned forward, crawling towards the edge of the bed, her hair falling in her face. “Why should I be punished for not remembering you? All I want is to remember you, to put a permanent face to the ghost in my head.” Her feet planted themselves on the cold hardwood floor, sending shivers up and down her spine. “Why must I be punished too?”

He gripped the armchair, his heart thudding louder in his chest as she slowly but surely got closer to him. Bucky tore his eyes off of her, and stared at the broken clock that was shattered on the floor. He gritted his teeth, “Because of me. It’s my fault. I was the one they wanted and you were targeted by default.” Bucky struggled to contain his emotion, he was upset. He wanted to know how long she had been beat down, drilled and tortured. Was it the same with him? Did she go through the exact torture that he went through? Just thinking of it made his skin crawl. How many times was she stripped of her identity, morals, and values? How many times had she been brainwashed to forget him. How long did it take for her to give in, how long until it took for her strength; physically and mentally to be depleted? All these questions and no kind of answers were provided because he couldn’t bear to put her through those memories. How long was she strong before they broke her down to nothing?”

Rose stood up from her spot on the bed, walking slowly towards the solider who had tensed up from her movement. Her fists balled up, tears slowly making their way down her face. “They got what they wanted didn’t they? You? Right?” She saw him nod slowly before she continued, “Then why was it so important to make me forget you? What power could I have possessed that they needed to rob me of my memories?”

These were all rhetorical questions and Bucky knew it, this was the first time that she had spilled her deepest thoughts and he was letting her. He had done something similar to Steve awhile back, not wanting to talk to a therapist or a doctor. They wouldn’t understand, they’d write down that he was unstable when in reality, he just needed to get off his chest. Bucky froze when she bent down on her knees and placed herself in his line of sight. Her hands gripped the arm of the chair, her nails digging into the material as she looked deep into his eyes.

“A huge part of me is missing, I feel so empty. I have all these memories and yet I’m empty. So tell me something Bucky, if the only thing I can’t remember is you. Is that why I feel so hollow?” Rose leaned forward, her body getting closer to his, “When I heard your voice something inside of me snapped awake, like you had awakened a tired beast inside…” Her hand reached out for his arm, letting her finger his skin. “and when I touch you, I feel something but it’s small, like a flicker of a candle that’s seconds from burning out.”

Bucky’s chest was rising and falling quickly, his pulse racing as she picked up her hand and caressed his cheek. It felt foreign to have her touch him but he didn’t want to pull away. He wanted to savor it. Savor the feeling because he wasn’t sure if she’d ever do it again. “Rosie…”

She shook her head, letting her hand drop from his face as she stood up. Rose moved away from his side and stood directly in front of him. Using her hands, she urged him to stand up with her and when he complied, she almost smiled. He towered over her, just inches apart as she pressed her palms to his chest lightly. “I want to feel something, Bucky. I need to. I’m so close to giving up, so close to just running and never looking back but I can’t because I need to know that all these stories that I’ve heard about you and I is true.”

“I-I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Kiss me.”