All Monsters

“How are you feeling, Effy?” Dr. Harmon and Effy sat comfortably across from each other. Now in their fifth session, his shoulders were relaxed, less tense. It was clear to him now that Effy was simply a sad, teenage girl put under extreme stress and circumstance. She could be a normal, healthy girl like his daughter Violet. He understood her defense mechanisms and tried to steer clear of setting her off. It would only take just one wrong word to close her back up into the cold, seemingly unfeeling shell of a person she so often defaulted to. Admittedly, she terrified him. He found himself intimidated by her words, her way of staying silent and conveying everything she wanted to say within the creases of her brow and the piercing gaze of her eyes.

Her eyes. They would burst with emotion at one moment only to quickly snap away as if it never happened. Hatred, loss, distrust, love, wonder. They flash across her irises in an instant and if you weren't paying attention, you would miss it. Ben imagined that this was probably the reason for her appearing to not care about anything, to be indifferent to the world. But the reality is that she is just a girl, confused and lonely. After their third session, Ben began to feel a tenderness towards her, one that mimicked his interaction with his own daughter.

“I feel...okay. I guess.” Effy sat cross-legged on the love-seat, hands clasped together on her lap. She shrugged, shooting Dr. Harmon a small smile before continuing. “I-I don't feel like I'm a danger to myself as of this point. Instead I just feel alone and empty, like I'm waiting for someone at the airport that never shows up. I'm waiting and waiting, calling them and worrying about someone who may or may not even exist. I can't fill it with anything, not anymore.” Ben straightened up in his seat, crossing his right leg over his left and waving his pen around while he spoke.

“What are you trying to fill?”

“The hole. I used to just numb it with pills and drink, but then Freddie happened and I couldn't think straight. I had everything sorted and then it all got so fucked up. He loved me, and it filled me up so much it stretched the empty space. Now there's an even bigger hole to fill and I'm not strong enough to deal with it. So I numb it.” A look of concern crept on his face as she spoke, inadvertently churning guilt in her stomach.

“And you don't think this numbing doesn't count as you being a danger to yourself?”

“I-I mean yeah, but if anything did happen, it wouldn't be intentional. I'm sorry...” Ben let out a hearty laugh and put his notepad down.

“Why are you apologizing?” Effy's faced flushed red. She didn't want to admit what was on her mind and was feeling stupid for being embarrassed in the first place. Doctor/Patient Confidentiality, remember?

“I feel like I don't want to disappoint you. Which is weird, but I don't...you just remind me a lot-” Effy cut herself short, fidgeting with her long nails and looking away.

“I remind you of who?” Ben inquired, genuinely curious as to what she may say. Effy turned around, bringing her knees up to her chest and peering over them at him.

“You remind me of my dad. Our relationship is shit, but he always listened to what I had to say. You're just like that, but more expensive.” Effy smiled up at him and Dr. Harmon felt his heart melt in the same fashion you would while meeting newborn puppies. She's adorable. Ben shook his head of his inappropriate thoughts and reminded himself to keep emotional distance between them. “I really miss him. But he deserves to be happy, wherever he is now.” A sharp pain hit her at the center of her chest. Jim hadn't called in months, still reeling over all of it; Tony's accident, Anthea's affair, Effy's suicide attempt and all the mess with Freddie and John Foster.

“And what about you?” Ben pressed, reclining in his seat.

“What about me?” Effy asked, sincerely confused.

“Don't you deserve to be happy?” Effy glanced away, biting her lip to keep the tears in. Don't you fucking cry.

“It's all my fault. Everything that happened – I know it is. If I had been paying more attention, then Tony wouldn't have gotten hurt. If he hadn't gotten hurt, then my parents' marriage wouldn't have suffered and my mum wouldn't have doped up on Tony's meds or fucked Steve. If I had just fucking, fucking left Freddie alone he'd still be alive. If I had just been anyone but me...”Effy stood up quickly, walking towards the bay window and pacing back and forth in front of it. Ben sat frozen, wanting to speak and console her, but knowing that if he did she wouldn't continue on. And he desperately wanted to figure her out.

“A man once told me that I was too pretty for my own good. That I destroy everything I touch.” Effy's voice cracked and she took pause, gathering her nerve before she'd eventually close up entirely. “And I knew that, but I ignored him, because he was a disgusting twat. Now I wish I did, because everyone's gone.”

Ben suppressed the urge to hold her, frustrated and conflicted by her pull on people. He'd never known anyone like her, and had to force himself to stop viewing her as a woman. She's a child. Only a year or two older than Violet. But he relented, standing up to let her cry into his chest. She's so small. Disregarding all doctor/patient etiquette, Ben leaned down and kissed her head.

“Despite what you believe, none of that is your fault.” He soothingly ran his fingers through her hair as she focused on the street below. “You can't assume responsibility for other people's fuck ups. That's unbelievably cruel, and you don't deserve it. You need to let go, have some fun and be a kid. You need to take care of yourself. You don't owe anyone anything.” Effy sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, feeling uncomfortable.

“That sounds wonderful and all, but I'm not a kid. I haven't been for a while. My friends are across the world and I haven't met anyone here, so what do you propose I do, doctor?” Ben was taken aback by the piercing glare she was drilling into his skull. He suddenly felt his temper flare, annoyed at her sudden change in demeanor.

“Why don't you try to find friends?” Effy rolled her eyes and sat down in his seat, going through her own file. Ben walked over and snatched it out of her hands, putting it on his desk and leaning on the edge. She raised her brows at him, a bored expression coming over her face.

“I never try.”

“Well you're gonna have to. You need to get out of the mentality that everything will fall into your lap. You actually need to make an effort, Elizabeth. And I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.” Effy shook her head, pissed at Ben and herself. This isn't gonna get you anywhere. Not like this.

“You want me to fuck off then?” Ben got up and walked over to her, grabbing her arms and shaking them gently.

“No, Elizabeth, of course not.” He stated exasperatedly. “I want you to be happy and I want to figure out how to make it all easier for you. I want to know what you want. What you need.” Ben waited patiently, stepping away from her as she creased her brow, concentrating. A sadness swept over him as he realized that she didn't actually know. Effy's eyes darted to the door, seeing a blond figure retreat away from view. Tate? She continued staring, wondering if she had really seen him there or if her subconscious conjured up his image to tell her something.

“I think I'd like a friend.”