Vegas

Jack was empty.

There was no other way to describe the sinking feeling in his gut, or the dull ache in his heart. He couldn't feel anything anymore, except for pain. The seventeen year old was completely hopeless in his eyes.

He was graduating in a year, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. The only consistent thing he had was the garage band he and his best friend Alex had created, and added a drummer and a bassist. He wasn't exceptionally smart, and he hadn't even applied to any colleges.

He was single and ugly. No one would ever love him and treat him like he dreamed of. He had had a few girlfriends, but none stayed too long. Jack's personality was a nuisance to most who talked to him.

And those were a few of the many reasons that the boy found himself on the bathroom floor, picking apart a razor, desperate to feel.

So many people had tried it before him, so maybe it would help. If he punished himself for being the way he was, maybe he could learn to live with and forgive himself.

It was terrible, and so not worth it.

Jack cringed at the sight of blood around him and started to wipe it up with tissues. Flushing the mess down the toilet, Jack broke down. He finally felt something, oh that's for sure.

Regret.

He tried to pull himself together, sniffling and sputtering, and dragged himself to bed. He could feel the wounds reopen when he slid under the covers and didn't miss the ugly feel of blood wetting seeping through the makeshift bandages.

Of course, he thought, regretting each slice he made. He knew it was a bad idea, he knew it. But he'd still done it and now another part of him was imperfect. Another flaw, another mistake. It was just so like Jack to mess up the only thing he had left.

He'd come to grasp with it long ago, that his parents didn't really care, just kept him 'happy' for the sake of their precious ego. And yeah, though Jack barely cared most days, it hurt. The kind of hurt that made him nauseous and made him feel like nothing.

And that agonizing pain almost had Jack crawling out of bed and back to the bathroom, but he mustered a bit of willpower. The only bad thing was that, now, he knew for sure he'd be addicted to the horrible outlet.

And he was. Jack returned to that same position in the dark bathroom at least every other day. His thighs were a mess.
___________

"Hey, man, wanna come over and swim today?" Zack asked his friends cheerily at the lunch table one lazy Friday. Alex nodded enthusiastically, along with Matt and Vinny. Rian grumbled something about a movie with his girlfriend Cassadee. Even though he loved the girl more than life itself, she was a bit bossy at times. Jack stayed silent.

"What about you, Jack-o?" Zack interrogated, smiling obliviously. Jack shrugged and nodded, deciding that he had no real excuse to get out of this one. He figured he could bandage himself up good enough that no one would see.

So Jack reluctantly agreed, not knowing the hell he'd just signed himself up for.
______________

The rest of the day had the group of boys jittery for various reasons. Rian was dreading his movie date while Zack, Vinny, Alex and Matt were just anxious for the day to end and excited for what was to come. Jack was jittery because... he was almost always that way. Nervous and panicky and anxious.

Jack's life wasn't the easiest to live.

But once the past bell rang, the group was sprinting out the doors of the school and hopping on their bikes towards Zack's house. By the time they arrived, they were sweating in the heat from pedaling and just about ready to jump in fully clothed.

But they somehow restrained themselves. Jack hung back after the other boys had finished until he stripped down alone in Zack's room, fetching a pair of swim trunks from his bag. And all of the color completely drained out of his face when his best friend opened the door.

"Hey, I was in the bathroom, do you want a snack? I can grab- what the hell?!" Alex yelled, seeing Jack.

The younger still had boxers on, so it wasn't that bad, but the part that had Alex on the verge of puking was how shredded his thighs were. Jack was trembling, nearing a panic attack. No one was supposed to see, his plan was foolproof. He would've been fine if Alex didn't stay to use the damn bathroom.

"Jack...what's wrong with your- oh my god, you did not," he whispered in disbelief, covering his mouth with his hand. Both boys were disgusted and hurt and disappointed. And then Alex got angry.

"Why?! Why did you do this?! Why didn't you talk to anyone?!" He nearly screamed, throwing his arms in the air in frustration. Alex was livid, but he brought his voice down to a whisper, "why didn't you talk to me?"

"I don't know, I just...I'm sorry, Lex."

"I hope you don't think you're getting away with this. You better be expecting me to be checking you every frickin day. If I were 18, Jay, I'd move in with you!" Alex yelled. Jack cringed and backed away from him. Then, Alex realized he was scaring his best friend and that was exactly what he didn't want to do.

"M'sorry," he mumbled.

And then Jack was breaking down, sobbing bouts of salty tears and collapsing into his best friend. Alex sighed, half knowing it was his own fault. But Jack thought the same about himself.

I really screwed up, the younger thought, bawling harder into Alex's hoodie. His fingers curled tightly around the hem as he clung to Alex for dear life.

Because he knew Alex would always catch him.
___________

Years later, the band was finally filming their DVD. Ever wonder why Jack's always naked?

Alex and Jack had both kept their promises; Alex keeping up with routine checks and pep talks and just always being there, while Jack didn't hurt himself.

And that was the promise that was becoming harder and harder to keep for Jack. He'd been really stressed lately, partly because he'd been fighting with his parents and partly because he was mad at himself. He was craving the cool metal even after going nearly five years without it.

But he couldn't, because then he'd be letting Alex down and there was no way in hell he'd do that.

Although Jack didn't scar himself, he didn't exactly keep himself healthy either. He didn't eat. And despite what he believed, people began to notice.

_________
"Jack, do you want anything to eat, I'm going to the store?" Matt called from the front of the bus. Said boy was still in his bunk, wishing he could sleep the rest of the day - or his life - away.

"No thanks," he replied, then re-buried his face in pillow. He couldn't eat, because food meant calories and calories meant weight on himself that he didn't need. Food also meant indulgence and delight and he didn't deserve that either.

Despite his perfectly logical reasoning, he heard Flyzik groan in frustration. The younger hoped his manager would just let it go, as he wasn't in the mood to fight.

To Jack's luck, he did, but not before slamming the door to express that he was upset.

When Matt stepped outside,he knew who he was looking for and he knew he had to find him.

"Alex? Alex!" He called, cupping his hands over his mouth to amplify the sound. He spotted him under one of the tents labeled Warped Tour: Barbeque. Of course the lead singer was there.

"Mph, here!" Alex signalled back, waving a hot dog in the air as he shoved another french fry in his mouth. That boy could eat. Zack was by his side, picking at a fresh green salad, by contrast. The sight had Matt chuckling.

"Hey guys, quick question," Matt said to the pair. They nodded for him to continue. "When's the last time Jack ate an actual meal?" He questioned curiously. Both boys were caught off guard from the random question, but then they both realized that they really had to think about the answer. And the long pause showed Matt that he had a valid reason to be concerned.

"Now that I think about it... a while," Zack answered, gathering another fork full of his salad. Alex nodded in agreement, soft blonde hair falling in disarray in his eyes.

"I grabbed this hotdog for him, but you're right, it's been long," Alex added, holding up the ketchup and mustard covered meat.

Matt thanked them and left for the store with a plan to buy all Jack's favorite foods. Alex also left, grabbing a second hotdog for himself to find his best friend, leaving Zack to chat with Jaime about brands of basses.

_________
"Jay, I got you a hotdog!" Alex called, boarding the bus hesitantly. He knew that Jack hadn't been as animated lately, but this was just plain sad. The boy laid in bed all day until they had a show.

Alex knew that his best friend wasn't cutting. He hoped. Come to think of it, he hadn't checked in a few weeks. No, Alex thought, there's no way he would do that again. It was a shot in the dark, but he was hopeful for the physical and mental well-being of the younger.

"Not hungry," Jack replied softly, voice muffled by the pillow over his face, half wishing Alex would leave, and half wishing he'd just cuddle with him.

Alex walked into the bunk room and searched for Jack, eventually seeing a lump under the covers in his bed. But he didn't question why his best friend was in his own smelly bunk, just sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Jay, you don't have to hide," the elder soothed. Jack sighed and pulled back the duvet, but continued to avoid Alex's eyes. "Look at me," Alex spoke crisply and slightly demanding. So Jack listened. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Jack asked, hoping he could play dumb. Alex saw right through, shooting him a pointed stare that had Jack crumbling. "Fine... I don't want to let you down by cutting again, but I just feel... I don't actually know."

And at that, Alex sighed, knowing that would be the answer he should've been expecting.

In some aspects, he was happy with it, happy that Jack wasn't hurting himself, happy that he was staying strong for him. But half of him blamed himself, that Jack was starving himself to make him happy. So basically, Alex was stuck in between.

"Please don't..." Alex sighed, "why are you doing this? Please stop, Jack."

The taller boy glanced down at the blankets in between his fingers and tried to think of something to say. He knew Alex was concerned and Jack wanted to avoid worrying him. He was just at such a low point, he couldn't help but want to hurt himself.

"God, Jay, we can't loose you. I can't loose you."

And at the evident begging in Alex's voice and the clear desperation in his brown eyes, Jack was caving. Before he knew it, he was promising to eat more and to continue not hurting himself. He also promised to stay out of clothes more often so Alex wouldn't have to bother him, and it admittedly it was a confidence booster.

And the smile on Alex's face was enough to keep Jack trying.
_______

The next year, Jack asked Alex out.

It wasn't a surprise to anyone really, because the boys had been more than friends for a while now. It was a great experience all together for Jack, but it took a while for Alex to get used to after dating girls for so long. Despite the oddity of it, Alex loved Jack, so he was happy.

And Jack was also doing better. He was sure as hell he was the happiest he'd ever been.

He was really in love with Alex. Everything he did seemed so perfect and the younger just wanted to be around him all the time. They did cute couply things, went on dates and baked cookies. They even shared an apartment together.

Cliché? Maybe, but it was everything Jack had hoped for in a relationship. He got to sleep with his boyfriend every night, and wake up to him every morning. It was the best thing Jack had ever experienced.

Until one day, when it all fell apart.
______

They had been dating for a full year. Jack was laying in bed while Alex cooked him breakfast. The younger was just having a bad day; it was a miracle he'd gone so long without a day like this.
But since it had been so long, everything had just built up to a mountain of problems. He felt stupid, worthless, ugly, guilty and desperate. He also felt selfish that his wonderful boyfriend was in the next room, making his favorite breakfast while he sulked. Then he was angry at himself.

"Hey baby, blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes?" Alex asked, walking into the bedroom where Jack was lying in bed in the same position as he was when he left.

"Doesn't matter," Jack snapped. Now that he was annoyed at himself, he took it out on Alex, perfect and beautiful and sweet Alex. Said boy let out an annoyed sigh. Why was he doing this if Jack didn't want it?

"C'mon Jack, don't yell at me, I just wanted to know-"

"Jeez, I'm not mad at you," the taller explained harshly, hinting his exasperation at the comment. Alex huffed and turned quickly, stomping out.

"Kinda seems like it!" He called before slamming the door, leaving Jack groaning. He stood up, livid and fuming, storming over to the door, throwing it open. Striding angrily into the kitchen, he tried to find his boyfriend.

"Alex! We're not done!" He yelled, searching around their apartment. He found Alex in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and scrolling through his phone. The guitarist nearly slapped the electronic out of his hand. Alex looked up with wide, surprised eyes, that quickly faded back to annoyance.

"I suppose you broke your promise, too," Alex accused sharply, reffering to the oath they had made, first in 2005, then in 2009.
Jack was pissed off. He really couldn't believe that Alex would actually think he would break the promise they made so long ago. He did keep it, but he decided to play it off like he didn't care.

"Maybe I did," he snided, straightening up in front of Alex to make himself taller. He liked feeling superior to the older boy. Alex's eyes narrowed with Jack's, face flushed red with his emotions.

"I wouldn't put it past you," the brunette scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Are you saying I've let you down before?!" Jack interrogated incredulously. He couldn't believe how fast the fight had escalated into something so uncontrollable.

"Maybe I am," Alex mocked childishly, lips curling into a satisfactory smirk. Jack almost slapped him across the face. And neither of them had ever - ever - hit each other.

"I can't believe you," Jack groaned at his boyfr- were they even still that? It didn't seem that way.

"Clearly you don't know me well."

"I'd like to see you try and find someone who knows you better than I do," Jack challenged, rolling his eyes at the impossibility of the task.

"I think I will," Alex shot back, countering with a devilish smile. Jack's face fell like a cartoon character. That was it. They were done.

"Fine, go ahead. Not like I ever needed you!" Jack shouted, lying with tears burning the backs of his eyes. He was talking out of his ass, and he knew it because he'd be dead without the boy standing in front of him, defeat sparkling in his brown eyes.

And Alex frowned, expression faltering, bottom lip trembling and mirroring the expression because, yeah that one hurt like hell.

And just like that, Alex left with the slam of the door that was almost as loud as the sound of Jack's sobbing the second it closed.
_______

When Alex returned, over a week later, he didn't return alone.
He brought a girl.

All of it just seemed to spite Jack. He slept with the girl - whose name was Brooke, Jack'd found out through an embarrassing encounter in the kitchen. Jack was really hurting. She slept in the bed he had. She slept in Alex's arms and he didn't.

They still lived in that apartment together, so Jack had to listen to it all. He heard everything from late night 'i love you's, empty and meaningless, to the strangled moans that pervaded the small apartment.

Three nights later, Jack was done. He packed up a single box of his stuff left, showing up on Rian's doorstep, disheveled and desperate. The older man immediately embraced him, rubbing his back and whispering sweet words even though he had no clue what had happened. Rian just knew something was wrong. Rian always knew. He was the best friend he'd ever had.

"Shh, Jay, it's alright. You don't have to talk, come in," he soothed, guiding the taller into the house. Jack collapsed onto the familiar couch nearly immediately, spilling the story.

And for about an hour straight, he'd just cried.

Jack bawled and hiccuped and sputtered and whimpered until he was physically too tired to do anything more. Rian talked to him, assuring him calming phrases until he fell asleep.

_________
Jack didn't wake up until the next morning when Cassadee - Rian's long time girlfriend - was about to leave for work.

Jack pretended to be sleeping because the couple honestly made him sick. Everything they did, everything they said reminded him of Alex and it really hurt.

"Mhm, I love you," Cass would mumble, hugging her boyfriend and burying her face into his chest. Then Rian would curl his fingers around her shirt and sigh happily and - ugh. Another tear fell with each word they exchanged.

It was terrible.

__________
Thirteen for the months with Alex, five for the years he kept his promise. There probably would've been seven more for the days he'd been away from Alex, but he passed out after the first eighteen.

Jack relapsed. And he added another four for each day he spent in that house, razor slicing deeper each time.

One week and a cancelled tour later, Jack went a little too deep, hitting a nerve and passing out immediately. Unlike the first time he fainted, he didn't wake before Rian came home, with enough time to clean himself up and pretend it never happened.

He faded into consciousness to a loud blaring siren and when he opened his eyes, he realized he was in an ambulance. Fully becoming aware, he saw Rian beside him, holding his hand with tears streaming down his face.

It was the first time Jack had seen Rian cry. And it was his fault.
________

After stitches and way too many hours in a hospital bed, Jack was released. But they told him that he should check into a mental hospital, so he could heal his mind and return to normal.

Technically, they couldn't make him go, since he was well over 18.
They didn't know that he'd never be okay, no matter how many months he spent in a ward.

________
One week later, Alex showed up at Rian's apartment.
Ding dong, the door bell sounded. Jack peeled himself off that miserable bed in the guest room, trudging over to the door. He thought it would be Rian or Cass, saying the forgot their keys or lunch or something.

But when Jack opened the door and the pungent smell of booze made him choke, he knew it wasn't them. Jack closed his eyes and pinched himself, thinking it was a dream, a terrible, horrible dream.

But when he opened his eyes, his ex-boyfriend and still-lover was standing right there, leaning heavily against the doorstep. Alex was a mess.

His mouth hung open upon seeing Jack. Alex's hair was grown out and ruffled, in no way resembling the hot fringe it used to be. His face was was pale against his stubble, making the bags under his bloodshot eyes much more apparent. He looked like a homeless man who hadn't slept in five months.

And now that he thought about it, maybe he hadn't.

Maybe he was hurting just as much as Jack was. They hadn't seen each other.

Then Jack realized he was internally sticking up for the cause of his self hatred and destruction. That was not okay. Jack did what was his only option.

He slammed the door in Alex's face.
________

Jack woke hours later to the sound of arguing.

"I can't believe what you did! You can't expect him to forgive you immediately as if nothing happened!" Rian nearly screamed. Jack made a mental note to thank him later because he knew he was fighting Alex.

"I know, I just miss him!" Alex shouted back. And though Jack didn't like to admit, it made butterflies flutter in his stomach. Dammit, he still cared. Which meant he'd eventually want to see Jack's wounds. He couldn't see that.

It was such a strong promise, kept safely and unscathed for so long, but now it was nonexistent. Jack couldn't face Alex.

He put on a jacket and sneaked down the stairs, hoping to get out unnoticed. He wasn't so lucky.

"Jack," the eldest whispered, immediately launching himself in his direction. The boy clung to Jack like a koala bear, desperate for affection and love. Thankfully, Rian left the room.

Then they both were crying, apologizing profusely. Jack wasn't quite sure why he was, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

"She hurt me," Alex sobbed, while Jack choked and almost passed out.

What the hell?

"Alex, what do you mean?" He questioned warily, hoping he was just overreacting or something. He wasn't. The boy just shook his head and bawled harder. "Alex!" Jack warned, pulling away to look him in the eye. "What. Happened." The taller growled, teeth gritting.

"Brooke dr-drugged me b-because I wouldn't have sex wi-ith her," he cried, head falling back onto Jack's shoulder. "I w-woke up before she almost... you-you know. I put clothes ba-ack on and ran h-here," he whimpered, voice cracking pathetically.

And the guitarist could almost hear the sound of his heart shatter.

He'd slammed the door on Alex, as if he hadn't been through enough trouble.

Through the single week they had been apart, both boys had screwed up their lives dramatically. It was pure proof, almost destiny, that they needed each other.
_______

The next week was spent healing - and crying. A lot of crying.

Crying from Jack when he heard Alex's story, saw the bruises and scrapes on his skin and the finger prints around his neck. Crying from Alex when he saw Jack's thighs, torn and bloody and raw, knowing it was his fault.

And that was probably the worst part. The two boys blamed themselves.

If Alex hadn't brought home Brooke, Jack wouldn't have left and hurt himself. He broke the boy's spirit.

If Jack hadn't left, Alex wouldn't have gotten abused, Brooke wouldn't have laid a finger on him in his presence.

But it truly was both their faults, and thankfully by the end of the week, they had come to terms with that.

________
The boys were watching Peter Pan, back in their old apartment. Jack was laying down, curled up and practically in Alex's lap, though the elder didn't mind. He was mindlessly carding his fingers through Jack's dark hair, barely paying any attention to his favorite movie. The singer was just overjoyed to have Jack back, even if the weren't - what even were they?

Alex thought that rushing back into a relationship would be tough, especially after everything that'd happened. What if Jack didn't want Alex since Brooke had touched him? What if Jack thought he was filthy and whoreish? What if Jack didn't want him because he was ugly and fat and-

What if Jack didn't want him because of what he done?

He'd accepted that it was both their faults, but naturally, Alex blamed himself a bit more.

But regardless, he loved Jack and he needed to know if the feelings were reciprocated.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, gently kissing the top of Jack's head, who sighed at the inevitable conversation. "I still love you, ya know? I'm so sorry for everything."

"Don't worry, we'll fix it. I never even stopped loving you. We'll do this," Jack explained for the fifth time that day, slightly exasperated at Alex's worries. He twined their fingers together and rubbed his thumb across his calloused skin. Alex smiled at his boyfriend and resigned to the explanation.

"We'll make it together?"

"Together," Jack confirmed.
__________