Torn Between Lust and Love

I can hear them. Benedict and Wayne, I can hear them when they talk to me. I can feel them when they’re there, I can feel it when they touch me. I know exactly which one is there before they even start speaking. Benedict’s hands are so warm and they’re soft. Wayne’s hands are rough and his grip is a little more forceful. I don’t mind.
Benedict comes there for a short while in the morning and again in the evening. He tells me about work and the musicians he worked with that day, even though I have absolutely no idea who most of them are. But then after a while he falls quiet and I think that he’s left, but then he takes my hand and kisses it. He then starts telling me how much he misses me and that he wants me to come back to him. He told me once that if I would wake up that he would come back to the States with me because he can’t lose me.
Wayne is here all day most of the time. I don’t know how much time has passed already. He doesn’t say much just asks me to come back to him. All he wants is for me to wake up so that we can get married and carry on with our lives as one. I want so badly to tell him that I can’t marry him. I want to tell him that I do love him very much, but that it’s not enough anymore and that I want to marry Benedict and spend the rest of my life with him, but that I’ll always love him and that he’ll always be my side nigga even if he’s no longer in my life.
I dream too. I don’t know if I really am dreaming or if it’s something I really see. Sometimes I see my mom, sometimes I see my dad and other times I see both of them. They tell me that it’s okay to let go and die if that’s what I want. They tell me that they miss me and that they want me to come with them but if I’m not ready to let go yet that they’ll wait for me until I am. I want so badly to go with them, just to be with them again. I can’t touch them right now it’s like they’re behind a mirror or a wall or something that keeps them separate from me. I only hear them now. Mom says that if I want to stay behind I have to think about what I’m doing and what I really want because I can’t carry on hurting men just because I’m not sure what I want. I told her about Wayne and our relationship, and I told her about Benedict. I told her how he makes me feel alive. He makes me laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed before. I told her that I know the real reason why I came to South Africa of all places. It wasn’t to get clarity about myself and what I wanted and who I was, it was to get clarity about the day of the accident. She and dad just smiled and nodded. Dad says that he knows that it’s wasn’t Nadia’s fault and that it was his and mom’s time to say goodbye. He says that he thinks that I was the only survivor because I was destined to still do bigger things with and in my life. He tells me all the time that he misses me and that he wishes that he survived too because he misses me so much that he feels like he’s dying again and again each day. He doesn’t know that life without him and mom is unbearable. In the beginning all I wanted to do was die so that I could be with them again, but after a while, I realized that it was my responsibility to ensure that they weren’t forgotten, that someone would remember them. That someone was me. If I wasn’t remembering them, who was?