I Choose to Live

I was raped. Rape, was something that happened to me. I never imagined myself admitting to it being real. There are things that happen to us beyond our control. Even with blame slurred around, and dealing with a dazed memory, I am the only one who knows me best. Rape is rape. This was just one of those things… Though, I do have control. I have the power in my own happiness. Power in my own weaknesses. I used to be at that point of complete numbness, with the thought of it being my shield. But I was lost. I couldn't feel, couldn't process what was happening to me, or around me. It was never a shield, it became my own barrier, my very own cage. In wanting to forget everything I was afraid of, that hurt, I thought I could eventually forget about it all and my walls would become invisible. I thought I could live that way. But, each of those walls I put up, were prevalent. While I thought I was being strong, I was like a malfunctioning floodgate. Most of all, I was lying to myself.

There are things that happen to us beyond our control. In life we do things we wish we had never done. Some things, we wish we could replay over and over again. But they all make us who we are. The things that happen to us, the choices we make in our lives, are only a few words to stories inside an entire book, or only a few books inside an entire series. I was raped. I had horrible things happen to me in my past. There are most likely harder times ahead for me, but each of these things, they are not my whole story. Whatever it might become, through my actions, through outside forces, I want to experience it. I want to experience it through weakness and strength. I choose to live for the rest of my story.

I will admit, I was hesitant, for lack of a better word, about writing my story. There is something about writing it all out that makes it real. Makes it “said.” Sometimes you don’t quite feel the weight you've carrying until you feel the weight of its release. Being able to admit to what happened to me, to admit that I’m not OK, that what happened wasn't OK, I no longer had to lie. This was my opportunity to define my own reality. This did happen to me. It was that bad. It’s not OK, but I will be OK. And you know what? It’s perfectly fine if I’m not.

I had chosen in the past to live behind a wall as my shield from the truth. I put myself in a cage and threw the key away. I never want to go back there again. I would much rather feel pain, then to not feel at all. I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like to live. I had forgotten the experience of feeling and how spectacular is it. I realize now, my vulnerability is what makes me strong. Being able to admit to my weaknesses is much stronger than pretending I don’t have any. I had become tired of fighting myself. I wanted to become the person I knew I always was. My passion for caring, is what make me strong. My ability to feel so deeply is not a burden at all, but my secret weapon! Through my own struggles I have learned that a part of who I am is wanting to help other people. Like a fire sharing its flame, perhaps we can all ignite in its light, and in turn, grow into our own flame, and perhaps sharing that light.

Throughout my struggles, I felt completely alone, isolated, but I found so many others inside this giant pool of blinding darkness. Everyone is going through a struggle we know nothing about. And yet, we are each connected in this way. I was waiting for the day to hear someone say, “You’re never alone.” In fact, I was just waiting to hear myself say, “I’m never alone.” I do not know if our value and our lives matter in the whole, but that should never make you feel lonely… It should be the opposite. We have been given one of the most bizarre, magical, beautiful, and one of the most precious of experiences. To live in something that could possibly not even exist, and perhaps it doesn't. What should matter most is that it exists to you.

You don’t realize how every second really counts until you think back. You’ll take a look in the mirror and see thirty years pass in a matter of minutes. You have to appreciate every bit of living you get. I don’t know, and I have right to say what will happen when we die. To continue on, or to cease to exist. All I know right here and right now, is all that I can ever tell you. What I do know, is that we are alive in this moment. We exist in something that is quite remarkable to even exist! For there to even be existence itself… do not waste your moment. Do not get trapped inside your own cages of despair. It is OK to not be OK sometimes, but never forget to live. Spend every bit of it feeling, experiencing, living. Loving. We do not have the time to waste on anything less than that.

There are most likely harder times ahead for me, but each of these things, they are not my whole story. Whatever it might become, through my actions, through outside forces, I want to experience it. I want to experience it through weakness and strength. I choose to live for the rest of my story.