As Usual
June 29
The sound of the seagulls outside was familiar. The feeling of the duvet thrown over me was familiar. But the scent wasn't, the throbbing of my head was. While stretching out my arms and not hitting the desk beside my bed I realized something. This wasn't my bed.
I sat up, holding my head in my hands. I pushed my hair away that had fallen over my face. I wasn't in Maddie's spare bedroom, like I usually was if I didn't wake up at home.
Slivers of dust showed where the dimmed sun shone though the slightly closed blinds, reaching the foot of the bed. There was no bedside table, there wasn't a single thing surrounding the bed. It was placed in the middle of the room. I knew nothing of this surrounding.
I had no idea where I was. But slowly, last night and everything between, it stared coming back. Before I allowed myself to actually remember it however, I picked up my sweater I'd been wearing last night, thanking everything I could possibly thank that either I'd gotten dressed after or that I'd indeed never had taken off my clothes last night in a strangers apartment. I rushed out of the apartment after that, holding my shoes in my hands, planning on putting them on in the elevator. The shower had been on and I didn't ever want to see the owner of this place again.
Once inside the elevator I stuck my hand inside my bag and tried to get hold of my sunglasses but remembered that I had lost them a few days ago. I sighed and stared at myself in the mirror in front of me. Dark rings under my eyes, messy hair and yesterdays clothes.
I always liked to think I stand above societies degrading looks, but I'm one in the crowd, silently wanting approval and craving that feeling of normalcy. I was just like everybody else this morning, hiding something inside myself, not wanting to show her true self. And the outward evidence of last night only made me feel my self worth grow significantly smaller.
Down the street once outside, I saw the bus approaching, as usual. I walked faster towards the stop where nobody was waiting, as usual.
I wanted to take the bus, but just then my stomach didn't want me to sit on a bench on a bus that had its seat ripped away some time ago, and was now just filled with cold skeletons of chairs. I turned away so I would't fool the driver into thinking I was gonna get on. I wouldn't. Not now.
The morning fog, making everything coated in a light layer of mist that had turned into water, was filling the morning sky with white clouds, not making the end of the street visible. It was everywhere and wasn't going to go away for at least two more hours. It was nearly six am and I should have been home before midnight last night.
The bus drove away again and I sighed, covering my face with my wet palms. The temperature outside was low enough to make me freezing cold, and everything smelled of seaweed. A smell I usually enjoyed, but this morning, only made me sick to my stomach.
Maybe it was the thoughts circulating my head right then, will I ever get out of this town or will I become my mother and all of her friends? Those who grew up here, got pregnant, was left for bigger things and stuck around like they had stepped in glue on their almost wedding days in their inexpensive "I never went to college" dresses?
Or maybe it was last nights tequila shots making my stomach feel like it was filled with toxic waste…
Whatever the reason was, it made me go over to the cliffs, bend over the railing and watch as the puke fell down several feet and land on the brown rocks. To be washed away later when the waves would grow. My legs were shaking, as they usually did when I puked, and slipped down to sit on the sandy path going around the town. It still wasn't 6 am, nobody jogged this time of the day, no matter how healthy and superior they think they are. I'd be alone for a long time if I stayed here.
The entire town is quiet, so if someone from the apartment complex I'd just been inside would step outside and let their door close somewhat loudly, it would reach my ears. And it sure did. It was far away, but I could see someone moving towards the street through the bushes and trees planted in front of the complex. Fuck.
I got up on my feet quickly and threw myself behind an old oak tree. It wasn't gracious, neither was it intended to be. But I could have been more careful and not hit my head into the trunk of the tree as violently as I just had. Covering my head and holding back swearing over the pain, I stayed there quiet, waiting for the sound of the door again so whoever I'd shared a bed with would give up and not look for me. Maybe it wasn't even him, or her, who knows, but never in my life would I risk it. The sun was beginning to rise as I laid there, feeling even sicker now thanks to the extreme pounding inside my head and my constant urge to puke again. I'd never been good at holding my alcohol, it always came out during the night or the morning after, sadly.
30 minutes later, I found myself slipping into the entrance by the kitchen. The door to the lobby was closed but if it wasn't, I didn't want to meet any employe who worked there. A lot of people who worked in the kitchen where my age. Stephanie, a server, notice as I slipped inside and laughed while also letting out a sigh.
"I was getting a little worried. Had a good night?"
"No, I have the hangover from hell right now. And this." I said the last words while taking my hand away from my head, showing the mess left after the tree and the graceful tumble.
Just then James, Maddie's brother, walked in with a box filled of fresh fruit, just arrived for the wedding taking place here tomorrow.
He watched as I was showing Stephanie my forehead but didn't say anything. He just stood there, and looked at me. I was filled with emotions then, all connecting their dots back to James. He was tall, always had a natural tan somehow, and those freckles and dark eyes. And the tiny scar he sported over the bridge of his nose. I never had noticed until last month that I enjoyed looking at him since he began working here. Never could I say that however. We had a large distance between us. My best friend was Maddie, his little sister. A vast, dark and unbreakable distance hovering above us.
Stephanie hadn't had time to help me with my head. There was a lot of preparation for tomorrow for that wedding. So I made my way thought the hotel, into the section that was mothers and mine and the dogs, with a badly placed, large band aid.
Every room I passed was empty, and as I made my way into my own room, locking the door behind me, falling on the bed and falling asleep, that's how I felt as well. Empty.
I sat up, holding my head in my hands. I pushed my hair away that had fallen over my face. I wasn't in Maddie's spare bedroom, like I usually was if I didn't wake up at home.
Slivers of dust showed where the dimmed sun shone though the slightly closed blinds, reaching the foot of the bed. There was no bedside table, there wasn't a single thing surrounding the bed. It was placed in the middle of the room. I knew nothing of this surrounding.
I had no idea where I was. But slowly, last night and everything between, it stared coming back. Before I allowed myself to actually remember it however, I picked up my sweater I'd been wearing last night, thanking everything I could possibly thank that either I'd gotten dressed after or that I'd indeed never had taken off my clothes last night in a strangers apartment. I rushed out of the apartment after that, holding my shoes in my hands, planning on putting them on in the elevator. The shower had been on and I didn't ever want to see the owner of this place again.
Once inside the elevator I stuck my hand inside my bag and tried to get hold of my sunglasses but remembered that I had lost them a few days ago. I sighed and stared at myself in the mirror in front of me. Dark rings under my eyes, messy hair and yesterdays clothes.
I always liked to think I stand above societies degrading looks, but I'm one in the crowd, silently wanting approval and craving that feeling of normalcy. I was just like everybody else this morning, hiding something inside myself, not wanting to show her true self. And the outward evidence of last night only made me feel my self worth grow significantly smaller.
Down the street once outside, I saw the bus approaching, as usual. I walked faster towards the stop where nobody was waiting, as usual.
I wanted to take the bus, but just then my stomach didn't want me to sit on a bench on a bus that had its seat ripped away some time ago, and was now just filled with cold skeletons of chairs. I turned away so I would't fool the driver into thinking I was gonna get on. I wouldn't. Not now.
The morning fog, making everything coated in a light layer of mist that had turned into water, was filling the morning sky with white clouds, not making the end of the street visible. It was everywhere and wasn't going to go away for at least two more hours. It was nearly six am and I should have been home before midnight last night.
The bus drove away again and I sighed, covering my face with my wet palms. The temperature outside was low enough to make me freezing cold, and everything smelled of seaweed. A smell I usually enjoyed, but this morning, only made me sick to my stomach.
Maybe it was the thoughts circulating my head right then, will I ever get out of this town or will I become my mother and all of her friends? Those who grew up here, got pregnant, was left for bigger things and stuck around like they had stepped in glue on their almost wedding days in their inexpensive "I never went to college" dresses?
Or maybe it was last nights tequila shots making my stomach feel like it was filled with toxic waste…
Whatever the reason was, it made me go over to the cliffs, bend over the railing and watch as the puke fell down several feet and land on the brown rocks. To be washed away later when the waves would grow. My legs were shaking, as they usually did when I puked, and slipped down to sit on the sandy path going around the town. It still wasn't 6 am, nobody jogged this time of the day, no matter how healthy and superior they think they are. I'd be alone for a long time if I stayed here.
The entire town is quiet, so if someone from the apartment complex I'd just been inside would step outside and let their door close somewhat loudly, it would reach my ears. And it sure did. It was far away, but I could see someone moving towards the street through the bushes and trees planted in front of the complex. Fuck.
I got up on my feet quickly and threw myself behind an old oak tree. It wasn't gracious, neither was it intended to be. But I could have been more careful and not hit my head into the trunk of the tree as violently as I just had. Covering my head and holding back swearing over the pain, I stayed there quiet, waiting for the sound of the door again so whoever I'd shared a bed with would give up and not look for me. Maybe it wasn't even him, or her, who knows, but never in my life would I risk it. The sun was beginning to rise as I laid there, feeling even sicker now thanks to the extreme pounding inside my head and my constant urge to puke again. I'd never been good at holding my alcohol, it always came out during the night or the morning after, sadly.
30 minutes later, I found myself slipping into the entrance by the kitchen. The door to the lobby was closed but if it wasn't, I didn't want to meet any employe who worked there. A lot of people who worked in the kitchen where my age. Stephanie, a server, notice as I slipped inside and laughed while also letting out a sigh.
"I was getting a little worried. Had a good night?"
"No, I have the hangover from hell right now. And this." I said the last words while taking my hand away from my head, showing the mess left after the tree and the graceful tumble.
Just then James, Maddie's brother, walked in with a box filled of fresh fruit, just arrived for the wedding taking place here tomorrow.
He watched as I was showing Stephanie my forehead but didn't say anything. He just stood there, and looked at me. I was filled with emotions then, all connecting their dots back to James. He was tall, always had a natural tan somehow, and those freckles and dark eyes. And the tiny scar he sported over the bridge of his nose. I never had noticed until last month that I enjoyed looking at him since he began working here. Never could I say that however. We had a large distance between us. My best friend was Maddie, his little sister. A vast, dark and unbreakable distance hovering above us.
Stephanie hadn't had time to help me with my head. There was a lot of preparation for tomorrow for that wedding. So I made my way thought the hotel, into the section that was mothers and mine and the dogs, with a badly placed, large band aid.
Every room I passed was empty, and as I made my way into my own room, locking the door behind me, falling on the bed and falling asleep, that's how I felt as well. Empty.