H . (no longer going on. there will a new version at some point (~xmas 2015 or summer 2016)

“Stop thinking so much and just stick it in.” I’ve never done this before, and I don’t think it’s a good idea. I shouldn’t have come to this party and I shouldn’t have agreed to hide in a bedroom with this random ass guy at 3:38am. “Come on, man, at least fill it up so I can toss the spoon.”

“Shut up! I’ve never done this, so stop pressuring me.” My hands shake from an oncoming anxiety attack. This will not end well and I will regret this. Why did I agree to this? But I already gave this guy over a hundred bucks so I guess I should make sure he get’s his money’s worth. Right?

The guy - Gabe? Yeah, sure, Gabe - grabs his hair frantically with both hands, shaking and losing it over the fact that I haven’t filled the syringe with heroin yet. “These guys downstairs’ll kill me if I can’t get rid of that. Come on!”

I turn around to face him, still riddled with anxiety and fear. “You swear this is a clean syringe?” Gabe nods nervously, but he’s pretty high so I’ll take it it’s not exactly nervousness, rather he’s just paranoid from whatever that methamphetamine is doing to him. I stick the syringe into the liquidy substance and fill the needle about half way. I put it down and tighten the belt around my arm, delaying the injection. But I pick the needle back up, locate a vein, and put it to my arm.

You can’t say high school was the best time of your life if you didn’t experiment with what you liked. Right? I mean if I end up enjoying heroin I’ll learn how to use it safely and be careful and be sure to be discreet and all that. Right? I already got accepted to the University of Penn so how would this really compromise that? I mean, unless they somehow find out, but if they do I’m not sure what they’d do about it because my grades are fantastic so why would they care?

I can feel the heroin pouring into my veins, my finger pushing down on the syringe. I feel like a sixty pound dumbbell and collapse to the floor. The carpet feels like a dusty, thin cloud.
-
Strat’s lips are soft against mine despite the fact that he’s pushing them on me as hard as he possibly can. I’m only doing this so I can get the fix I haven’t been able to get for a week. I haven’t been able to afford the higher prices my dealer set and I guess I’m getting pretty desperate. I pull away and ask, “Can’t I just pay you back? I have some of it and I’ll get the rest to you after midterms.”

He takes his high, shaky hands and grabs my shoulders. His bloodshot and paranoid eyes stare deep into mine. “You know I can’t do that, Alex, I can’t do that. No, no. My guys need all the money. But… he said that - that if I can get the rest by tomorrow he’ll only - ” Strat reaches down into his two sizes too big pants pockets, and after some time of pointless struggle he pulls out an eighth ounce of weed stuffed in a tiny plastic bag. “Look, it’s real late right now and I can’t go through with you paying in sex, so just take this since it’s what you can afford.” Desperate and having been sober for too long I take the weed and hand Strat my forty bucks.

“Why’s the hero so expensive now, man? I just need one fix before midterms and I’ll be good.” I begin reaching for the heroin on the table next to Strat’s dorm bed but he grabs my arm and pushes me away from it.

“Don’t even think about that, Alex. Just go back to your room and find the money for the heroin. I need to find my crack.” Strat doesn’t even move, he just sits on the bed looking like he’s about to pass out.

My feet swing over the side of the low bed and land on the floor. I push myself up and take the few steps necessary to get to the door, my shoes loose on my feet.

“Hey, Strat?” He looks up and just as he makes eye contact with me I snatch the heroin off the table and run as fast as I possibly can down the hallway. I breathe hard and fast as I dart around the corner and down the first stairway. After having gotten down a flight of stairs I hear a set of feet behind me. I turn around and see Strat only so many paces behind.

Next thing I know I’m outside the dormitory in the cold, January air with snow blowing everywhere, including my face. I start running in the direction to leave campus grounds and, just as I’m turning the first corner, I crash into some girl with a couple of huge textbooks. “What the fuck?” The thick layer of ice-snow on the side of the pathway thankfully breaks our fall.

As I begin to get up, scared to death that Strat will very literally kill me for stealing his heroin, I notice the girl’s face. It’s a little long, with huge eyes, but they’re the cute kind of huge. I end up staring at her, my eyes wider than hers, stunned at such beauty. It’s weird because I come around here all the time and I’ve never seen her. She’s actually not that attractive, but I feel attracted to her anyway. “Get the fuck off of me!” I immediately stand up, and stretch out my hand to help her up.

“Sorry…” I say, speechless for some unexplainable reason. As she wipes the snow off her pants I decide to pick up the books she dropped. They’re both on psychology and therapy stuff, but I don’t really know anything about either of those.

The girl, the cute girl, snatches them from me with an exhausted and annoyed sigh. “Don’t worry about it… Just keep running to wherever you were going.” The words don’t register, and I just keep staring at her. Her hair is so awesome! It’s this chunk of black that’s kind of emo but also not, you know? It’s gorgeous. “Hey!” She waves her hand in front of my face, bringing me back into the freezing, dangerous reality.

“Yo, Alex!” Strat yells angrily from behind me. “Where is it?” I begin turning around but Strat is already there to grab my shirt and throw me against one of those sidewalk trees. I grab his arm, attempting to stop his hand from digging into my chest. “Where’s mi caballo?” Strat practically barks at me.

The girl, who has surprisingly not run away already, asks, “What the fuck is going on?”

“Stay out of this!” Strat pulls out his pocket knife and puts one of the blades to the side of my neck and stares into my eyes with the power of the literal devil. “That shit wasn’t even mine, I’m supposed to sell that! Where is it?”

“Hey, man, take it easy,” I say and try to move his hand again. It works but Strat decides that a good alternative is putting his fist into my stomach as hard as he can, and then proceeding to put it back where it originally was. I gather enough energy to cough out, “I don’t have it!” but it really just gets me a punch in the face so hard I fall to the ground, again.

The cute girl decides to get in between us. She pulls Strat away and separates us with her arms stretched out. “Chill, kid,” she says to him. But then she turns to me, and puts her hand out as if asking for me to give her something. “Give me this… caballo.” I give a scared and angry look at Strat, and dig out the heroin from my hoodie pocket, putting the bag in the girl’s hand. She proceeds to give Strat the drug. He pockets it and the knife, and starts walking away. But once the girl turns back to me to help me up he comes right back and kicks me incredibly hard in the stomach and runs.

“This is why I don’t do drugs,” the girl tells me. “I’m Jack by the way, and I think I deserve both an apology and some sign of appreciation from you considering I probably saved your damn stupid life.” I try to get back up, but as soon as I stop clutching my stomach I throw up. “Well I guess I shouldn’t give you any medicine because you’ll probably just get addicted to it.” I look up at her to try and say something in response to that remark but I don’t, and just catch my breath instead. “I’m not gonna help you up because you helped me up, by the way. I already saved your life.”

“You said your name was Jack?” She nods. “Like Jacqueline?” She laughs, and it’s seriously the best thing I’ve heard all day. “What?”

“I’m not a girl, you idiot. It’s just Jack.” Oh. “What? Can I not be a guy? Do you want to start a matriarchal society where we kill all the men?” I shake my head, wanting to laugh but also needing to catch the rest of my breath. “You’re taking forever, Mr. caballo.” Jack takes my arms and pulls up to a standing position. I look right in her - his eyes. Not her - his face, right in his eyes. Even though it’s dark out it’s clear that they’re a beautiful brown.

“You’re a guy?” I ask, and immediately regretting it.

“YES! I AM A GUY! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” Jack laughs.

This person is a guy. He has boobs and a high pitched voice but is a guy? “But -”

Jack groans, a sudden anger arising. “I’m a guy. Okay? Boobs are irrelevant. Deal with it. Anyway… I have to get back to my dorm.” He starts walking away, back towards the dormitory building. I feel so stupid. He’s gorgeous, girl or not, guy or not, whatever. And he saved my ass from Strat, for now anyway.

“Wait! Jack?” I call for him. He turns around, but he’s already pretty far so I decide to walk to him so I don’t have to yell. “You wanna, maybe, hang out some time? I mean - Not like a date or whatever, but like… generally.”

He laughs again, and it’s so cute. “I’m sure it won’t be too fun if this is your typical day.” I don’t even hear him because I’m staring at his beautiful face. “Damn, I didn’t realize drugs made you smile and not listen when someone answers your questions.” I only smile more. “Okay, now it’s creepy.”

My head goes down, and I apologize for being incompetent. “This isn’t my typical day, though. I - uh - I usually study, or, well…” I start scratching my wrist, like I do whenever I get nervous or think about things I don’t want to talk about.

Jack laughs - again - and says, “The junkie studies! What do you know? I’ll come by your dorm on Saturday. Don’t be surprised if I break in if you’re not there.” And he leaves, but as soon as I can’t see him anymore I realize just how cold it is, and start walking back to my dorm, not caring how much my face hurts from Strat punching me.