Cinderblock Garden

"I don't know, babe. I just can't get this song right!" Alex whined, leaning into the taller boy and nuzzling his face in his shoulder. Jack sighed and wrapped an arm around his adorable boyfriend's waist. He pressed a gentle kiss to his hair before curling their fingers together.

"Go outside, sit in the grass. You always find inspiration in the woods," the taller boy advised. Alex nodded and stood slowly. He attempted to pull Jack up with him, but he remained planted on the couch.

"Come on," the elder complained, pulling at his boyfriend's hand. Jack shook his head adamantly and curled up into the couch.

"You don't need a distraction. Go ahead."

Alex groaned loudly and tipped his head back in disappointment, messy brown locks falling astray. Regardless, he picked up his pen and notebook and headed outside to sit on a rock and write. Before he close the door though, he shot back a glare at his boyfriend for leaving him lonely.

Jack laughed.

________

The singer breathed in deeply as he let the humid summer air soak in around him. The studio parking lot had a nice view, set up on a hill, overlooking mountain tops. Everything was bright and green and heavily vegetated.

It reminded the boy of the garden he and Jack kept outside their apartment. The thought of their placid living space settled a smile onto his thin lips, and he opened up his notebook.

It was difficult to be dating in secret. The pair loved each other more than anything in the entire world, but hiding took a toll on their relationship.

At times, Alex would feel like he wasn't good enough for Jack, and the younger male knew that and it was the reason he didn't want to tell anyone. Alex also knew that Jack became insecure for the same exact reason.

No one could possibly deny the raw passion between them, but it was rough most days.

They couldn't be affectionate or intimate in public. Especially because they were gay, and they had so much to lose. People could shun them, mistreat them, and judge them. Meanwhile, Jack and Alex were perfectly normal.

Just because the best friends had fallen in love with each other didn't mean they were harmful to society.

Yet Alex couldn't stand to be ridiculed or scowled at, so he wrote the song for Jack, most definitely, but he used female pronouns.

Little did he know, a few indirect words would become the biggest mistake of his life.

______

Alex wasn't going to let Jack hear the vocals to the new song he had written, but the curious boy had eavesdropped to listen to it.

And what he heard, though Alex's voice was beautiful as always, didn't make him happy.

He burst angrily into the sound booth, throwing open the doors without a care. He walked up to Alex, looked him dead in the eye and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why are you singing about a girl? That was our garden you're talking about. Ours!" He fumed while his hands balled into frustrated fists. Alex nodded slowly, scared and completely missing the point.

"Exactly, that's what the song's about," he murmured. The singer looked up innocently at Jack. He had no idea why his boyfriend was so upset. Of course the song was about him, who else would it be for?

"Then why does the girl have a cinderblock garden? Why not a boy, why not me?"

He paused for a minute, figuring it all out.

"Oh I know why it's a female. Cause you're embarrassed of me..." He trailed off slowly as his throat closed in pain, whispering, "If you didn't want to date a boy, you could have just said no." Jack shook his head sadly, turned in defeat, and slowly left. His feet seemed achingly heavy to exit, but he did it, never once looking back to see Alex in utter distress.

______

"That wasn't the point, Matt! I just wanted to write a song, I wanted to show him how much I loved him. Now I lost him!" Alex shouted, pacing back and forth in the recording studio.

Matt could easily see that Alex was tearing himself apart, but he also saw Jack's point of view.

When Alex used female pronouns, it was as if he didn't want the world to know he was in love with him. If he used 'girl,' he could stick to stereotypes and please the crowd. Jack felt neglected and insufficient.

But then again, none of the fans knew their relationship was serious. Maybe Alex was fighting to save their reputation.

But maybe Jack didn't want that. Maybe he wanted to come out so he could brag about Alex to the world. He wanted to show off their perfect relationship, but Alex had done just the opposite, and that was where Jack became abandoned.

"He'll be back, Alex. Don't worry, he loves you," Matt assured genuinely. He pat Alex on the back before heading to his car to drive home.

____

That night, Jack still hadn't returned. Everyone was sound asleep in their hotel rooms except for the couple. Jack was still out there somewhere, there was no way Alex would be able to sleep.

He was still pacing back and forth, so worried and frustrated and upset he'd break down if anyone bothered him. The next person he spoke to better be prepared to calm him down from sobbing. Midnight passed without any sign of Jack, and then Alex was truly terrified.

He just wanted his boyfriend back so he could sleep.

The click of the lock pleasantly intruded on his thoughts.

All he saw at first was a head of dark hair checking if the room was quiet, and Alex was asleep. When Jack saw the light on, he emitted a soft groan, but Alex was already there.

He sprinted up to Jack, jumping on him in a huge hug. The younger man caught him, of course, but didn't hug back. He gently placed Alex on the ground and looked down at him with red rimmed eyes.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" He asked softly, yet anger and hurt remained present in his voice. Alex shook his head and looked up at his (former?) boyfriend with sad eyes. He had never ever refused a hug. They always made up instantly.

"I didn't think you'd come back."

"Of course I'm back," Jack snapped, turning his back to Alex, who whimpered at his harsh tone. "I'm always going to come crawling back because I fell in love with you. And it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made, but I couldn't help it. Now I know you don't love me as much as I love you, but that's okay-"

But Alex cut him off quickly with a sweet kiss, to which Jack pushed him away.

"I think we need a break."

And in that moment, the two had never felt so lost.

____

The weeks that passed after that were downright miserable for both men.

Jack continued to give Alex the cold shoulder, not talking to him other than stiff chatting at the live shows. Though Alex never did anything to get his love back, everyone could feel his guilt. He had made them both miserable, bringing down the rest of the band and crew.

Without Alex and Jack's energy, everyone was in a slump. The breakup seemed to affect everyone. Despite the fans lack of knowledge of the relationship, they still could sense a difference. Their boys weren't the same and it was obvious.

The only one to actually confront them about it was Matt, the savior, as always.

"Everyone sit down. No one leaves the dressing room until I'm done. Grab a chair, make a circle," he called to the small group. It took them a minute to quiet, but when they did, they were startled by the look of seriousness on Matt's face. Slowly, they did what they were told.

Matt didn't miss the way Alex stared at Jack as he moved as far away from him as he possibly could.

"Does anyone want to tell me what's going on?" He questioned his closest friends, shooting a piercing look in the direction of each person. Rian shrugged, Colussy nodded in agreement, and Alex looked down at his hands. Jeff looked curious, Vinny smiled up at Matt, and Greico sighed. Zack looked around, Adam scratched his neck, and Danny made a face.

And through the silence, a mumble was barely heard from Jack. "Talk to Alex," he said with his head bowed to hide the tears in his eyes.

And all stares turned to the eldest.

He was struck mute by his anxiety's paralysis as he sputtered out a few 'I's, but then couldn't speak at all. His throat closed as his worst nightmares came true. He was going to lose everyone he had. His head was spinning with dizziness as he shook in terror. Matt noticed immediately, thankfully, and diverted the attention away.

"It can't be all his fault, stop it. Jack, what about Alex is bothering you?" He intervened gently, but Alex interrupted, blowing his chance at subtlety.

"No, it is my fault."

"Okay, then why?"

Alex shakily explained what had happened and, though the story was broken up by panting, the other men finally understood.

But they were all listening so intently, they hadn't even realized Jack had left the room.

______

Jack hadn't gone far. They found him curled up, sleeping in the armchair in the former couple's hotel room. Regardless, they had been worried sick.

He didn't speak to anyone through the next days and, consequently, neither had Alex. They gradually became shadows of the people they were.

Not talking was awful, but what hurt the most was sleeping. Alex slept to the far, far right, and Jack to the far, far left. Nothing knotted their stomachs in agony like sleeping apart did.

Alex was so accustomed to sleeping on Jack's chest, that no pillow felt comfortable. He missed the feel of Jack's shirts between his fingers. Most nights, he just laid awake.

Jack had grown relient on Alex as a blanket, so nothing kept him warm like the love of his life's body. He regretted giving up on the boy, for he had no one to twirl his fingers through their hair when he lay awake and restless.

The space in between them practically whispered in anguish, begged in despair, pleaded in void.

The cycle of life was a relentless pattern of love, longing and loss, while currently the pair was undergoing all three.

_____

A month had passed, and they had changed more already than they had in a year.

Jack had always been loud and obnoxious, but now, he rarely spoke. He never bothered anyone for as much as the time of day. He stuck to himself, went to bed early and slept late.

Now Alex slept on the couch. As if sleeping with a large space in between wasn't bad enough, Matt had booked them separate rooms for the following hotels. The boy who always laughed rapidly became the boy who rarely smiled.

It became so depressing in their tour bus that Matt had to pull Alex aside and yell at him, just to plant some sense of reality back into him.

He gave Alex a 'what are you doing with your life?!' speech and, for the first time since the fight, Alex cried. He sobbed and wept into his pillow, wishing it was Jack's shoulder, but it wasn't.

And it was all his fault. He'd lost the best thing in his life.

"Stop that," Matt scolded, not even bothering to soothe him. They all knew he didn't deserve it. "You need to get off your goddamn ass and do something about this!" And then he left Alex to think.

What should he do?

_____

"How about this one, sir?"

Alex couldn't believe what he had decided. He couldn't figure out that after all these years, he still hadn't done it. He couldn't fathom why he hadn't thought of it before.

Alex was going to propose.

Every time he thought about it, he felt like he was going to throw up with nerves. Alex thought this was the only way to get his love back. His mind to him that Jack would say no, that he had screwed up too much to get what he wanted. But his heart told him Jack would say yes.

Alex knew full well that Jack loved him, which was completely out of the question. He was clearly miserable after their breakup. But that wasn't the root of his doubt. He was worried that Jack was trying to get over him. He was worried Jack was afraid of getting hurt again and would say no.

It wasn't as if Alex was only proposing to get him back; he'd actually been thinking about this for a while.

Alex shook his head at the gold band the salesperson was holding up. It was too proper, nothing like Jack. The girl hummed and put it back, picking out another.

The moment Alex saw it, he knew that was the one.

The band was eloquent, yet simple. It fit Jack's personality perfect. It shone bright, though it was a pure sterling silver. Jack not much at first sight, but when you looked harder, he was beautiful and had the perfect personality. The ring looked soft, despite its solidity. The silver was smooth and polished off.

"That's the one," he whispered and the woman, whose name tag read Shelly, smiled brightly.

"You can pay now if you wish," she informed as she walked around to the other side of the counter. "Do you know what size will fit his finger?"

Alex briefly dug through his pockets and pulled out Jack's promise ring, the one the younger had bought for both of them in high school. Jack had worn it through all those years (Alex did also) and had never taken it off until a month ago. Alex found it under his pillow.

The clerk looked at the inside of the ring and found the size. She then looked at the ring Alex was going to buy and her eyebrows raised.

"They're actually the same size," she observed; Alex smiled. The sooner the ring was available, the sooner he got Jack back.

Hopefully.

The ring was awfully expensive, but if Jack loved it, he didn't care. He needed him back.

_____

Alex told Matt about his plan, who gave him an amazing suggestion.

After the next show, they'd ask everyone to stay for an acoustic session. Then, Rian and Zack would leave the stage, Jeff would get a chair for Jack. Then, Danny would run Alex his acoustic guitar and kneel in front of Jack.

He'd sing Cinderblock Garden, their song, but this time, he'd use words for Jack.

Then he'd propose.

Everything was perfectly planned and set that nothing could possibly go wrong. The only room for error was that Jack said no in front of all those people.

He'd already prepared the speech he'd make, but he knew for sure he would choke up and forget and end up winging it. He wasn't too disappointed; as long as he made his point and Jack said yes, he was okay.

________

Throughout the show that night, Alex performed his heart out. He was so damn nervous, that he decided to just focus on his voice and his guitar and channeled his thoughts through his music.

People noticed too. Alex could feel everyone's eyes on him, especially Jack. No one could help themselves. Alex sounded amazing.

Also, he looked amazing. He wore a black skinny jeans, as usual, but instead of his traditional t-shirt, he wore a white blouse and a black tie! His hair was styled messily, but it looked hot on him. Alex had certainly dressed for the occasion.

By the end of the show, Alex was practically bouncing. His fingernails dug into his palms, and his thighs were shaking. The last song was interminable, but eventually it was over. People started to exit, but Alex was quick to recover them.

"Uh, hey everyone," he greeted nervously. The crowd seemed to freeze in their spot. "Will you guys stay for, um, for one more song?" He shouted shakily. His bandmates looked at him curiously, and Jack almost looked terrified. The fans all let out a cheer, yet they were alarmed at how panicky their lead singer sounded.

"Rian, Zack? Can you guys give us a minute?" He asked as Matt brought the stool and Danny brought his acoustic. They nodded in understanding and left, but Jack did too.

But Alex walked over to him grabbed his hand. Jack scowled at him, but the pleading look on Alex's face convinced him to stay. The elder placed the chair down and jerked his head as a gesture for him to sit. Jack sighed, but did so reluctantly.

Alex let out another shaky breath and strapped his guitar over his shoulder. Jack was staring at his lap and playing with his hands. He was truly frightened to find out what would come next.

"Thanks guys!" He called out to the crowd, then turned back to Jack with a small, sad smile. They cheered again when Jack looked up, right back in the eye. The elder grabbed his microphone stand and pulled it toward him. His hands worked on the strings of his instrument skillfully, fingers flying to chords and picking rapidly. Jack's eyes widened as he immediately recognized Cinderblock Garden.

"Wait, I think we're onto something, we can't run from fate," he serenaded softly, walking in a slow circle around his mic stand, then pausing in front of Jack.

"But we can let it take us down, down this road, where all our colors run together." Jack was shaking, sweating, panting. He always melted at the sound of his love's voice and, even now, that hadn't changed. The song was just too much for him. The meaning had been the story of the coming together, but the words had them tearing apart.

"Let's take the worst and make it better, take this mess and make a home." Jack would be lying if he said he wasn't giddy. Maybe he and Alex would finally fix their mess, make a home. Those lyrics hit the hardest.

Apparently they meant the most to Alex also, because his voice cracked at 'home,' and his eyes were filled with tears. Jack wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to cuddle and never, ever let go.

"I know it gets hard for you to stay, but do you really want to throw it all away?" It truly did become hard for Jack to stay. He couldn't help doing what he did, and he knew Alex understood his rationalism. Jack had tried so hard to accept it, but if Alex couldn't accept him as who he was, a male, then what were they?

As Alex sang the chorus, he looked out into the crowd, and Jack followed his gaze. It sure was a sight. The fans were nearly silent – which was a rare occurrence in itself – and every single person in the crowd had their phone light on. They swayed to Alex's beautiful, melodic voice echoing through the huge arena.

"I'll be the boy with the silver lining, you'll be my Jack with the Cinderblock Garden."

Alex fixed his mistake.

Jack's smile grew huge as the singer skipped the second verse and chorus and went straight to the hook. Their gazes collided painfully as tears fell from Alex's eyes, but not with sadness. The smile on Jack's face had reawakened a foreign emotion in him, one he hadn't felt in a while. Alex was happy.

"Just hold out for tomorrow, our dreams will follow, follow us back to when, when nothing was broken, the future was open, let's go back again."

Jack stared as Alex got down on one knee, slowly took the guitar off his shoulder and finished the song a cappella.

"Then we could make forever after all; finding the gold in our darkest moments, watching the roads turn into white roses, roses. And we don't ever have to leave these walls. I'll be the boy with the silver lining, you'll be my Jack with the Cinderblock Garden."

Jack could barely choke out anything before Alex was talking again.

"Jack Bassam Barakat, for the past seven years, we have dated behind the backs of our adoring fans. I've experienced everything with you by my side since I was twelve, but the past month, I haven't been so lucky. I screwed up. Like, a lot. I don't blame you at all for responding how you did, but it hurt. It killed me, okay? You've always had all of me since the day that we met. You confirmed my sexuality, you gave me my first kiss, you were my first – and only to this day – relationship. I've never had anything other than this, than you, to compare to. But in reality, Jay, nothing ever could compare to you."

Alex paused to brush away Jack's tears and then his own. He grabbed the boy's hands in his and squeezed tight before continuing.

"I fell in love with you nearly immediately. I've always been scared to love, especially after what happened to my brother, but you showed me otherwise. You taught me that broken hearts can fix each other. You taught me how to live my life without fear. You jumped in, holding my hand. I would have never gotten through high school without you.

"That's why I want you with me forever. I can't live another day without you near me, I can't sleep another night without you there. You know what hurt the most? The spaces between us. Each day, another change was made and I was farther from you. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find my way back. I owe everything to Matt, because he slapped sense into me. I want to close that gap between us, so that's why I'm doing this."

Jack was exploding inside with joy at Alex's words, but he never got a chance to let it sink in, because, now, Alex was pulling out a small black box from his pocket. Jack's jaw dropped.

"Jay, will you marry me?"

There was only a short pause of complete silence. A heavy weighted tension seemed to settle on everyone's shoulders as they watched in anticipation. Not a single person made a sound or a move; all breaths were drawn.

The worry clouding Alex's brain didn't last long though. A mere thirty seconds later, Jack practically leaped off the stool and tackled Alex to the ground. The crowd roared but the only thing Alex could hear was Jack's consistent whisper of 'I love you.'

Then, they both were sobbing, smothering each other in kisses.

Jeff dropped the lighting to fixate on the two, but the boys didn't notice. They were immersed in each other. Familiar smells, tastes, emotions flooded back finally.  After all numb came pleasure.

They would make forever after all.

.......