If You Built Yourself a Myth

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, just a fan of the show.

Jimmy found it hard to believe how the townspeople’s reactions to him and his extended family had changed so suddenly. He had won their admiration and respect, now that the psycho clown killer responsible for the brutal slaying of some of the townsfolk had died and his captives had been set free. It would not have happened without Jimmy’s involvement. He and Maggie could have been killed, but they had pulled through together and now he felt like things were starting to look up for him. Ticket sales were up, and there were no empty seats in the big top. It had been a few weeks since he had last seen Marissa. He had been so busy with his work but he did think about her. He had hoped he would be able to visit her in the library when he passed through town, but unfortunately she had not been there. Instead, there was an older woman with a pinched face and greying hair drawn back tightly from her face. He had politely enquired as to Marissa’s whereabouts and had been told, much to his shock, that Marissa had quit her job. The only other thing the woman had told him was that Marissa was going to be married soon, and it was clear she disapproved. Not as much as she disapproved of Jimmy. She had looked down on him from the moment he had stepped foot into the library, but that did not concern Jimmy too much. He was used to it. The stares and whispers. The looks of disgust and unease. It made people uncomfortable to face him, and those like him, who were different.

Maggie’s attitude towards him had changed too. He assumed it was because she was grateful he had risked his life to save hers. He didn’t want her to feel like that. Jimmy would have helped her, even if he hadn’t been in love with her. He would, because that was just the kind of guy he was. At first after Maggie had rejected him they had gone from an easy camaraderie to cold silence and ignoring each other. Now they were talking to each other again, and were forming a friendship again. She was flirting with him too, which he hated but also enjoyed at the same time. It made him hope for something he could not have with her, or any woman. He had decided it would be better to not fall in love again. It just hurt too much. He had his ma, his friends which were his family and he told himself that was all he needed. Deep inside, he was dissatisfied but it was easier when he threw himself into his chores and practicing his performances. It was not fair for Maggie to flirt with him, and he wanted to tell her to stop. He knew he had to confront her about it, but he kept putting it off. If it was her gratitude for his help, or pity that drove her actions, it would upset him though he would never admit it. He kept a lot of things bottled up inside. There were times he wished he could have someone he could tell all his secrets too and not be judged for them. Maggie was secretive, and he often got the feeling she was hiding something from him. Then again, it was impossible to know what she was thinking, she was not easy to read. It was too complicated trying to figure her out, and it frustrated him. She never said exactly what she thought. Marissa did the same, but Jimmy found it was easier to for him to find out how she felt. She was less complicated than Maggie. It was odd that somehow he understood Marissa more than Maggie, when he had known Maggie a little longer and he was around Maggie most of the time while he didn’t see Marissa often.
Lunch at the camp grounds was a noisy, cheerful event as usual. Jimmy had two plates of food because he had skipped breakfast to work. Maggie was nowhere in sight, and she often had mysterious disappearances. He knew she would seek him out at some point, so he decided to wait until she did. He had been thinking about searching for her, but then decided he did not want to go running after her. She would come to him, and he would tell her to stop whatever little game she was playing. He was surprised when he went into his caravan and found Maggie in there, sitting on his bed. “What are you doing here, Maggie?”

“Waiting for you to come in, silly. We need to talk,” Maggie replied, showing him her stunning smile as patted the space next to her on the bed. “Sit down, Jimmy.”

Jimmy ignored her request to sit down, and crossed his arms. “Look, you’ve gotta stop this right now. We’re friends, and that’s ok. I can handle that, but what I can’t take is you being so damn flirty and teasing me all the time.”

“What?” Maggie whispered, her smile fading as she stood up and walked over to him. “No, I’m not teasing you at all.” She bit her lip, and took hold of his hands before she gazed up at him, a sincerity in her big hazel eyes that he found hard to ignore. “Jimmy, I’m sorry, I really am,” She gently squeezed his hands for a moment before she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss onto his cheek. “I should have said yes, the first time you asked me. I was really confused then, but now I know how I feel. I like you, a lot. It just took me a while to realize it...” She laughed softly, looking away for a moment before her gaze returned to him. “And I know you like me, so we should be together. I’m ready for it, if you are.”

Jimmy leant down to kiss her, and she met him halfway. He held her close and they kissed, softly at first but then the kiss grew in intensity and passion. The sudden haze of desire and his lust for the girl of his dreams cleared in his mind slightly and he pulled away, disentangling her arms from around him gently. “That was...” Jimmy shook his head, unable to find the words.

“It was amazing. Why did you stop?” Maggie asked, her eyes sparkling as she walked towards him again.

Jimmy sensed her intention to kiss him again and shook his head. “No. It’s not that simple. You think you can just kiss me and everything is ok? You think I’ll just accept you...” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that?”

She frowned, seeming flustered all of a sudden. “I know I made a mistake with you, but I explained. I even said I’m sorry,” Her full lips twisted slightly with her displeasure. “What else is there to say? If we’re gonna be together you can’t hold it over my head that I didn’t accept you at first. That’s in the past now,” She shrugged lightly. “So you have to move on. We can move forward together.”

“Tell me one thing. Why did you change your mind about me?” Jimmy asked.

“I already told you, Jimmy. I realized that you’re the right guy for me. It was just difficult because of your...”

“Because of my deformed hands,” He finished her words, with a bitter tone in his voice.

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Maggie gave him a brief look of reproach before her face softened. “You have to understand, it was a big shock to me when I saw them. And honestly, I didn’t think I could deal with it.” She took hold of his hands again. “Now I realize that I can. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about that. This town is toxic, Jimmy. Do you really want to just be part of a sideshow all your life? We could just leave, you and me. Run away together...”

“You’re actually serious about this,” Jimmy stared at her in shock. “Maggie, come on. Where would we even go?”

“I don’t care, as long as it’s far away from here,” She replied blithely.

“I don’t know, I’d have to think about it. I just –” Jimmy was interrupted by a tentative knock on his door. He went over to the door, and opened it. “Marissa?” She looked different from the last time he had seen her. Her face had healed, but there was also an air of quiet resignation. There was a gold band with a diamond on the ring finger of her right hand, proof she was to be married. However, he could see that she did not look like a happy bride-to-be. And it unsettled him, to see her with that ring on her finger. It did not seem right.

“Hello, Jimmy,” Marissa smiled at him wanly, feeling a little sick as she noticed the neat red lip print on his face because it reminded her of that awful day with Andrew. As she looked past him and saw Maggie, her smile disappeared. Again, there was the unreasonable jealousy she felt towards Maggie. She did wonder, at their closeness and the fact that they had kissed, if Maggie had changed her mind about Jimmy. Part of her hoped so, as she wanted him to be happy, but she was not entirely convinced Maggie deserved him. Yet she knew she had no right to judge Maggie, and besides Maggie was much smarter than she was. After all, Maggie was not the one about to voluntarily trap herself into a loveless marriage while pining over Jimmy.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were...Nevermind. I’ll go, talk to you another time.” Except she knew that there probably would not be another time. Her upcoming wedding loomed over like a dark cloud, and it was soon. Once she was married, there was no way she could go near Jimmy again.

“Wait, it’s ok. You can stay, come in,” Jimmy called after as she turned away.

“I guess I’ll just leave you guys to talk,” Maggie slipped past Jimmy and out of the door. “Remember what I said, Jimmy. I meant every word,” She blew him a kiss and then walked away.

Marissa came into Jimmy’s caravan, and took a good look around. It was interesting for her to see the place that was Jimmy’s home. She thought it suited him. “I won’t stay long. I just wanted to see you again and ask you something important but I can’t ask you now that you’re with Maggie. It wouldn’t be right,” Marissa was very nervous about the proposition she wanted to ask Jimmy and it made her talk fast. “And you would have said no, anyway. It’s such a stupid idea, but I couldn’t think of anything more perfect either...”

Jimmy looked bemused. “Whoa, just take a deep breath and slow down. What exactly did you wanna ask me, Marissa?”

“I’m getting married. I don’t love him, but I have to marry him. He cheated on me, and he was the one who gave me that bruise I lied to you about. And...I found out what you do at those Tupperware parties.” It made Marissa feel uncomfortable talking about it, and her face felt hot as a pink flush crept onto her face. “I want something like that, well sort of. It’s different because I want my first time to be with you.”

“What?” Jimmy had a look of pure disbelief on his face. “First of all, you don’t have to marry this guy, whoever he is. There’s always a choice,” His dark eyes were a mixture of repressed anger and self-loathing as he continued to talk. “And I’m not a fucking escort, let me make that real clear to you. The show had some hard times, and I had to make money somehow. That was all. The ladies used me for their pleasure, and I got my money. If you’d seen some of ’em, the way they acted towards me. Like I was some kind of monster but they were all willing to spread their legs and let me touch them. You know why? Because they were lonely, desperate for what they weren’t getting at home.” The hard defensiveness in his expression faded, and he gave her a half smile. “Marissa, you’re better than that. So much better. And trust me, I’m doing you a favour by saying no.”

Marissa was disappointed, although she had known there was only a slim chance he would agree. “I had to give it a shot,” She sighed heavily. “You don’t understand, Jimmy. Nobody does. I’m marrying Andrew, and he’s wealthy. Now, my father left the family in a mountain of debt, and he has been making that mountain disappear. I didn’t ask him to do it, I didn’t want him to do it but now he has it’s something that cannot be undone. I’ll never be able to pay him back with money, but I can marry him and be a dutiful wife. If I don’t marry him, my mother and I lose our house. So you see, it’s not as simple as you make it sound. I never should have asked you in the way I did. I was nervous and it came out all wrong. Please, I don’t want you to think of me like those housewives who paid you. I’d never treat you like that. I’m really sorry. I wish I never said anything about it now.”

Jimmy looked thoughtful. “It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean any harm. But you’re right, I don’t understand. For the sake of a house, you’re gonna chain yourself to a bastard who treats you like nothing. You want to be miserable for the rest of your life, is that it?”

“I won’t be miserable!” Marissa exclaimed. “I’ll...I’ll make the best of my marriage. And it’s not just a house. It’s where I grew up, it’s my home and I don’t want to lose it.”

“You told me you were in love. And if it’s not your future husband, then who is he?” Jimmy questioned her.

Marissa was speechless for a few moments, and had to avert her gaze. If she looked into his face much longer she would just become a sobbing wreck. As it was, tears were starting to fall although she did her best to stop them. “It doesn’t matter who he is. I can’t be with him, he’s taken.” It was one thing to think it, but saying it made it more real, in a very painful way. She ached, not physically but emotionally. Her heart just hurt so much and she was so tired. She wished she could just be numb to the pain. “Besides, he’d never feel the same way I do even if he was free to be with me...”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jimmy snapped, seeming frustrated. “It doesn’t matter; I bet even if you could be with him you’d still chose that bastard and his money.”

Marissa was stung by Jimmy’s quick judgement of her. Yet in a way, he was right. She hated to admit it, but he was right and she would be honest with him. “I’m not marrying Andrew for his money. Not how you’re thinking about it. You think I want the big house, the luxury, to spend his money but I really, truly, do not care about things like that. Yes, his money will clear me from the debt and I’m so grateful for that but that’s the only positive thing I feel in terms of his money.” She steeled herself to look at him again. “I’ll tell you what I would do. I’d call off the wedding in a heartbeat. And it would be hard, but I’d be able to let go of the house because he’s the only one worth giving up my old life for.”

“So you’re really gonna marry that bastard? And there’s no way I can change your mind?”

“Yes, I’m going to marry him.”

“I think you’re making a big mistake,” Jimmy shook his head, as he gently wiped away her tears. “But don’t cry anymore, doll. I’ve changed my mind,” He drew her into a hug, holding her pressed close to him as he quietly spoke into her ear. “If it’s still what you want, I’m yours for tonight...”

Thanks for reading :)