Alex Anonymous

"I miss the way he used to call me by my full name even though he knew damn well that I hated that shit. He was always pressing against me and breathing it right in my damn ear, "let's get outta here, Robert," and I know he just did it so that later when I threatened to kill him for calling me that in front of other people he could lean in and whisper in my ear, "if you killed me who'd take care of that pretty cock, Robert?" God, how I hated that shit, but... I miss it so much now."

"I miss how he'd sing Taylor Swift songs and make me guess if I was in trouble or not. You know, like, I'd just wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be sitting up, staring at me with that stupid fucking smirk and I couldn't fucking roll over fast enough. His eyes would light up and his lips would pull into a smug little smile and then he's singing Enchanted and I'd be so nervous and he'd just laugh at me "just thought you looked extra handsome today, babe," and then he'd lay down and go to sleep while I'm damn near having a panic attack because I was always so sure he was going to break up with me."

The room went quiet after that and they both shifted their attention to the quiet kid sat in a green plastic chair to their right. After a few minutes of watching him watch his feet Rian rolled his eyes and offered the prompt as if any of them could forget.

"What do you miss most about Alex?"

"Don't know," Zack murmured, his voice barely hovering above a whisper and his cheeks tinting a light shade of pink as he smiled down at nothing. "I guess just... just like, like, when he'd hold me or whatever."

"God," Jack threw his head back and groaned while he searched for something to throw at the boy. Ultimately he settled on watching Rian toe off one of his shoes and toss it at their friend. Zack laughed at their reactions and shrugged, offering nothing in the way of a better answer. They'd been having Group since Alex announced his engagement three months ago and not once had he offered up anything even close to sexual.

"You're a living stereotype, you do realize that, right?"

"Oh, I'm Zack, I like working out and being held because I'm quiet and shy," Jack mocked in his best five year old girl voice because sometimes he was pretty sure that's who the muscular boy truly was.

"I do like working out," Zack shrugged, still watching his shoes with an amused smile. "And I like being quiet and I like when Alex would be quiet with me."

"You know what I liked? I liked fucking him and being fucked by him," Rian countered matter of factly.

"I liked watching him suck me off," Jack offered and then they both stared expectantly at Zack. The whole room waited, it was just the three of them in the small deserted dressing room but it felt like everyone in Maryland was waiting on the response. Both boys leaned in and watched Zack continue smiling at nothing while he hopefully grew a pair so he could tell them something of interest.

"I liked when he'd hold my hand while we crossed the street."

"Jesus christ." Rian flung his other shoe in Zack's direction and collapsed backwards against the couch he was occupying.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Zack exclaimed around a laugh, his cheeks heating up even more when Jack began listing off a variety of sexual acts he might have enjoyed with the singer. "We didn't do any of that gross stuff, he was sweet and he called me beautiful and he loved me, that's all I miss. I just miss him telling me he loved me and wanting to kiss me all the time."

"And then after you kissed," Rian again prompted, sitting back up and leaning forward on his elbows to really stare at the bassist. "When he took off your pants what did you like?"

"He did take off your pants, didn't he?" Jack leaned in too, making the reserved boy squirm under the intense gazes of both his friends. "Don't say anything if you thought he gave good head."

A sideways grin stretched across Zack's lips, his face turning completely red as he glanced up and made eye contact for less than a second before grinning like mad at the concrete below his feet.

Outside the door it was impossible for Alex to tell what Zack's response had been but from the clapping and whistling he imagined the bassist must not have made a vomiting face which didn't surprise him. He was good at giving head, he didn't like to brag or anything but he thought he was better at it than any of the three others. A proud, slightly arrogant smile crossed his features but was soon wiped away because he knew (from months of spying) what would come next.

"Honestly," Jack sighed, running his hands through his shorter hair and trying hard not to let a few years of memories ruin his night. "Honestly, I'd agree with you though, he was the best boyfriend I ever had and I just miss that. I miss how special he made me feel, I miss how he said my name, I miss how he rubbed my stomach when I was sick."

"I love Cassadee, I love her, she's my absolute favorite girl in the world and I love her to death but if he," Rian trailed off and threw his hands up, letting them fall loudly against the couch cushions and kicking his legs up on the table in front of him. It took a few swallows and a lot of internally warning himself to not act like a little bitch for him to finish his bitter confession. "If he said he wanted me I'd leave her without a second thought, I wouldn't even blink. If he wanted to call me Robert and he said he'd be my Alexander I'd dump her so fast and I wouldn't even care if it hurt her. I'd just leave her and runaway with him because he's my favorite person in the world."

"This part should be easy for you, Zachary" Jack teased, swallowing back his own tears and wiping away the couple that had managed to escape. He stared over at Zack and took comfort in the distant thousand mile stare of heart ache he found his friend engulfed by. That was a stare he was familiar with, it was the same stare that led him to slice his palm open when he broke the mirror of his and Alex's apartment because it became just his apartment too fast to be fair.

"This is the one time we won't make fun of you for crying," Rian added. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he spoke, taking advantage of the fact that he wasn't squeezing his eyes shut and rolling down the side of his face as proof that even the invincible smile of Rian Dawson could be broken.

"It just hurts so much," Zack breathed, his voice choked on the words and they came out two notes too high to be recognizable as his regular speaking voice but Jack and Rian stayed true to their word and let it slide. "I thought..." he shrugged and his face slid into a disgusted grimace that Alex could see clearly in his head even through the shut door and cement wall that divided them. He shrugged a few more times and then dropped his head in his palms, still refusing to look up at either of them and admit that this was real. "I thought it could be different with us because I was last. I thought he saved me for last because he wanted me to be his last. I thought we'd never fall apart and then he just walked in the kitchen one morning and told me it was over and I--" The story stopped again while Zack tried to catch his breath and Rian and Jack tried to stop crying and Alex tried not to remember it all. A shaky breath fell from Zack's lips as a flood of tears slid down his face and pooled at the middle of his throat before trickling down his shirt. "I was making breakfast for us and there was too much coffee because he left and I don't really like coffee and I didn't know what to do. I just curled up on the kitchen floor and cried because there was too much coffee and the eggs were burning and Alex wasn't there and I just wanted to disappear forever because there was too much coffee without him."

"He doesn't love her," Rian answered a question that hadn't been asked and moved over on the couch to put a comforting hand on his friend's knee. "He probably loved you a thousand times more than he'll ever love her. Alex is just... he's just a scared kid."

"He's just a liar," Jack yelled, the years of memories winning over his fight to remain calm and tearing at his insides in some sick sort of victory march. "He tells these kids not to be ashamed of who they are and then he fucking breaks our hearts and its not fair. It's not fair that he can just walk around and casually announce he's getting married like he doesn't know he hurt us. He fucking knows, he fucking knows he broke us and he doesn't even care. I can't trust anyone anymore, I can't have one single relationship, and he knows why and he still has the nerve to fucking kiss me on stage like I'm some god damn game. I'm a fucking person, I don't deserve this shit."

"It doesn't matter," Rian shrugged, maintaining composure for the sake of not letting their little group meeting turn into a murder plot. "He loved you and he loved me and he loved Zack and he lost all of us. He has to live with that everyday, he had to look us in the eye and tell us he was getting married when he knew he'd kill for it to be to one of us. Think of how much that hurts, think of how much it must hurt every night when he wakes up and not one of us is lying beside him."

All four boys nodded at Rian's words, Jack and Zack in an effort to make themselves feel better by thinking of Alex being miserable, and Alex in agreement that he did feel all the things Rian had described. There was no way he couldn't, not when he knew that he'd ruined Jack's life and killed part of Rian and mangled Zack's heart.

He never even looked in mirrors anymore, he cringed at full band photo shoots because he could see what no one else saw. He could see the pure hatred and years of bitterness and overwhelming desire for their record to fail just so the others could leave and never see him again.

Until that moment though, his band mates settled for talking shit about him in secluded rooms they thought he'd never find. They'd grown so accustomed to ignoring him that he was all but a ghost that went completely unnoticed as he trailed them through mazes of long halls and made himself comfortable on cold cement floors to hear all about how he hurt them as if he didn't know.

The pain was something he deserved though so he forced himself to listen every week.

"She doesn't even have a dick for him to suck," Zack randomly noted, laughing away the last of his tears and blushing again as he broke the tense silence that had settled over all of them.

"And the real Zack has arrived ladies and gentleman," Rian smirked, joining Jack in clapping for the shy boy.

"I'm just saying," he shrugged. "He's sort of a whore, that stuff's important to him."

"That stuff's important to everyone that's not you," Jack reminded with a fond roll of his glassy eyes.

"I do miss dick though," Rian sighed. "Really missed an opportunity there, I was so adamant that I never wanted to be with another guy after what happened with him and now look at me. I'm twenty seven and tied down to a woman with very little chance of ever having gay sex again. Let this be a lesson to you both, dick is a rare and beautiful thing, get all you can while you're young cuz one day it'll be gone."

"Unless, ya know, you keep fucking random guys," Jack pointed out.

"Hey, I'm not tryna to follow you, Mr. trust issues," Rian scoffed.

"Hey! Group confidentiality, don't use that against me."

"I think its sweet you have trust issues," Zack cooed, smiling softly at Jack and laughing at his disgusted reaction. "Really, I never would have guessed anyone meant so much to you, its cute."

"Oh, god, I'm becoming one of him," Jack shuddered at the thought and pointed a finger at a smiling Zack. "Don't you go starting rumors that I'm some loving creature with a heart and shit. I fuck bitches and suck dicks. That's my credo for god's sake. Does that sound like a guy with feelings?"

"It sounds like a low rate prostitute," Rian quickly answered

"I'll have you know my rates are very standard," Jack scoffed, kicking his shoe clad feet up on the coffee table and rubbing them against Rian's sock covered ones until the drummer grumbled and yanked his feet away. "Did you guys have a good meeting?"

"I learned so much," Zack nodded in mock enthusiasm. "I really feel like we bonded."

"We could have been dope ass brother wives," Rian thought aloud as he pulled on the shoes he'd previously thrown.

"Brother wives?" Jack and Zack both raised an eyebrow and stared at the eldest boy.

"Yeah, its this show Cass and I watch sometimes about a guy that's married to a bunch of chicks and they all like share him and live together and stuff."

"I'd be your guys' brother wife," Zack mumbled to his feet, signature shy smile playing on his lips and eyes drifting off into nothing. "That sounds fun."

"You just like it because you think there'd be more people to hold you," Jack challenged knowingly. "You don't even care that we'd be your brother wives, you just want the cuddles."

"It's not easy!" Zack shot up in his seat and grinned at them while he chronicled his life struggle. "When you're like ninety pounds and awkward everyone wants to hug you and hold you all the time but you go to the gym one stinkin time and suddenly you're sentenced to a lifetime of being the big spoon. I hate being the big spoon!"

"Jesus christ, just climb in my bunk after the show and shut the fuck up," Rian groaned, huffing out a short laugh and rolling his eyes for the hundredth time. "I swear to god I'll be like the best big spoon you've ever met if you just stop whining about wanting to be held all the damn time."

"That's all I ask," Zack sat back with a satisfied nod and turned his focus to Jack.

"Yes, fine, crawl in my bunk whenever you want and I'll hold you, brother wives forever or whatever," he replied dryly.

Outside the door Alex felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and hesitated for just a moment when he pulled it out to find a picture of Lisa staring up at him. For just one second he let his brain scream for him to ignore the call and go get his boys back. He thought about how nicely they got along and imagined a peaceful life in a big house in the middle of nowhere with just his boys. Just him and his one true loves, away from all the pressure to grow up and get married and have two point five children. He imagined holding Zack and teasing Rian and kissing Jack and being truly and honestly happy with his life.

It would be more than he could ever ask for and all he'd ever wanted to open the door and fall on his knees and plead for forgiveness that he knew in time he'd be granted. It would grant him the beautiful and rare privilege of waking up to the people he truly loved but that wasn't right. He couldn't love more than one person, he shouldn't have allowed himself to love any of those people. There was a certain way he needed to live his life and that way wasn't being in love with three other boys, he knew that for a fact.

Climbing to his feet he dusted off his pants and slid his finger across his phone, leaving his post at the doorway to the sound of Jack and Rian pulling Zack onto a couch and leaping on top of him in a childish effort to fill his desire to be held. A smile crossed over his face at the fading sound of shrieks and laughter and it helped him lie better than ever when he pressed the phone to his ear.

"Was just thinking of how much I love you, sweetheart."