Alex Anonymous

"What do you miss most about Alex?"

It was a question Alex had heard way too many times in the past ten months and it was the question he asked himself as he eyed his tuxedo clad reflection in the full length mirror in front of him.

"What do I miss most about Alex?" He let the words roll off his tongue and took the time to think deeper than he normally allowed himself to. Past the shallow depths of looks, energy, or youth, a tidal wave of more substantial wants and longings lay buried in the sand at the bottom of his heart. A nervous swallow held back the words for a fraction of a second and that was all he needed because then there was a knock on the door.

** 2 hours earlier **

"Alright, boys, this is it. Last Group ever." Jack tried to let his words sink in to build up suspense for the moment he delivered the prompt for the last time but Zack's sniffling distracted him. It wasn't surprising to find the bassist crying, it was all he'd seemed capable of doing for the past two weeks.

"I just, I j-just thought he was g-gonna come back," Zack stammered, looking up at them through the pair of sun glasses he used to hide his bloodshot eyes. "I, I don't wanna hate Lisa, she's, sh-she's my friend but h-he said we were gonna get married and then he just left for her and she's not... I just want him to do that for me. I gave him everything and it’s n-never enough, I want it to be enough."

"Come here, Zachary," Jack held his arms open on the small over-stuffed chair where he sat. Somehow he managed to maneuver Zack to sit in his lap comfortably and kissed the top of his styled hair. "You don't have to share a word if you don't want to, okay? We're not gonna make fun of you for anything you wanna say or do, that's what Group's for. It's for you to cry as much as you want and tell us all about how much you hate Lisa or like Lisa or want to be Lisa. We won't judge you either way."

"We've come such a long way since February," Rian smiled, his shiny brown eyes a definite precursor to all the tears Jack knew would be shed in the next 120 minutes.

His statement was true though, their meetings had transitioned from excuses to talk shit, to sources of actual comfort that they all looked forward to. Somewhere between Zack screaming that he didn't share sex stories because he was waiting till marriage to do that with someone and Rian crying over the possibility of not loving Cassadee anywhere near as much as he pretended, they'd learned to respect boundaries and encourage growth and not make light of things that meant a lot to whoever was saying them.

"We've come a long way," Jack agreed. "But the question still remains: What do you miss most about Alex?"

"What do I miss most?" Rian asked the question of himself as he kicked his feet up on the sparkling glass table top in front of him. It probably wasn't proper behavior in a church but that didn't matter to any of them. Alex having to pay a fee for something being broken or scuffed was the last thing on their minds. "I miss when he would wake me up to tell me what time it was. I'm not a super big fan of being woke up when I'm trying to get some sleep, I don't know anyone who is, but he'd do it damn near every night anyways. He'd wake me up like it was the most important thing in the world and he'd say all shocked and amazed, "Rian, its 4:44 in the morning! 4:44, the clock says all fours." And the worst part about that was it wasn't even an effect of anything, I couldn't blame it on too much sugar or not enough sleep, it's just who he was. He was the kind of person that would wake up and want to throw a parade every time the clock said three numbers in a row."

"You realize you only miss stuff that annoyed you?"

"Guess that's what I miss most then," Rian shrugged. "I miss being woke up for no reason and being called by my full name and having to buy midnight premiere tickets to movies he slept through every single time. Everyone around us would yell at me to shut him up but he looked so cute when he slept that I couldn't bring myself to wake him up. I'd just let him murmur to himself as long as I could before one of the staff came to ask us to leave and then I'd listen to him bitch the whole way home that I should have woken him up because he was really interested in whatever movie he couldn't remember the name of."

"You, you can make him stop doing that," Zack offered quietly. "If you pick him up and walk around with him, he quiets down pretty quickly. It's Alex, he just wants constant attention."

"Personally, I talked back-"

"Big surprise there," Rian chuckled; rolling his eyes for the first time that meeting but certainly not the last time. Over the months Jack had come to the conclusion that it was a trait he'd picked up from hanging out with Cassadee too much and he didn't know if that was cute or sickening. "You literally will talk to a wall."

"Depending on the paint color and how much I've had to drink, yes. But, yeah, I used to make a game of it to see how long I could keep him talking on his one subject, it was always-"

"The fishies," Zack and Rian answered at the same time.

"Really, did he really still talk about fish when he was with you guys?" Rian and Zack nodded and Jack's smile tripled in size until it was painful to hold. "We watched Finding Nemo while we slept every single night, I'd put it on and we'd watch it while we fell asleep but then when it was over it would just be the play screen and the same stupid scene would play over and over. It was the Dad fish and he'd say-"

"Where is it, where is it?" Zack and Rian spoke in perfect sync again as they finished Jack's thought.

"Yeah! Did he still say that?" Instead of answering Zack shifted to lay his head against his shoulder but the nod Rian provided him with was more than enough to get Jack smiling widely again. "That's awesome, we had those same sleep talk conversations a thousand times but they never got old. He was like a little puppy that couldn't open his eyes yet so he just huddled closer to me and whined in that annoying but somehow adorable high pitched mewl, "where is it, where is it? The fishies Jacky, gotta find the fishies." I'd talk to him as long as possible and we'd make all these plans about how we were gonna find the fishies or sometimes I'd tell him he was the fishy and he'd like cry in his sleep because he wanted to be a boy, not a fishy. It was one of those little things that I forgot as soon as he walked out on me but still makes me cry anytime someone mentions that movie."

"Weird how he did that, isn't it? I feel like there shouldn't be as many things that will cause me to burst into tears if they're mentioned but Alex left me with tons of them."

"Same."

For a few minutes after that the room grew quiet, save for the soft sniffles and snores from Zack who'd fallen asleep on Jack's shoulder. The youngest of the pair straightened out the crumpled folds of his sleeping friend's suit jacket to make sure it wouldn't be wrinkled when he woke up. The wedding wasn't scheduled for another two and a half hours but they'd showed up early to hold a last Group before they smiled like idiots in too many pictures.

They debated holding the meeting at one of their houses but they all wanted to get the whole day over as quickly as possible and arriving early seemed the best way to do that. Jack was the Best Man which came with a handful of duties that included helping Alex get last minute stuff done. Naturally he'd told the singer to go fuck himself and made sure he knew that under no circumstances was Jack going to help him but for the sake of appearances it was good to be around.

An end of December chill flowed through the drafty room and prompted the heater to roar to life. Over the sound Jack could faintly hear more people starting to arrive in the gravel lot outside. The church wasn't too far out of the city so travel wasn't an issue for most but the fact that the couple chose New Years Eve to hold the ceremony on shortened the list of attendees dramatically. Still it was enough people to make Jack dread giving his stupid speech at the dinner and reception.

"Here," Rian carefully pulled off his black suit jacket and stood up to lay it over Zack who was shivering in his spot. He made sure the fabric covered the sleeping mess of Zack completely before taking a step back and taking in the sight with a slow shake of his head. "You know Alex left him two weeks before he got back with Lisa and then that bastard had the nerve to ask Zack to help him move into his new apartment a week later, right after he proposed."

"I know," Jack didn't say anything else; there was nothing else he could say. Everything he'd allowed Alex to do had already been done, he couldn't go back and stop any of it, he just had to live with the consequences of not warning his friends in what had been a selfish desire to see other people hurt the same as him.

Some wishes, he'd realized quickly after the first few Groups, weren't anywhere near as satisfying as he'd hoped they'd be. There was no joy to be found in seeing Rian cry for the first time since he'd known the happy if not stoic man. Nothing about his wish made him proud of the bitter person he allowed someone to make him into. But all he could do now was wrap Zack up tighter to keep him from the cold realization that Alex wasn't coming back to them, now or ever.

"What are your feelings on All Time Low?"

"Shitty band, god of a drummer," Rian grinned his answer quickly as he collapsed back onto the small floral patterned couch. He kicked his feet back up while he raised an eyebrow at the random inquiry. "I'd say their guitarist is mediocre at best, hands down worst lead singer in the game, and I don't even know if they have a bassist. The drummer really carries the whole squad but why do you ask?"

"Don't know," Jack lied but mostly he studied the worn face of the kid asleep in his lap. Every stressful event of the year was painted in worry lines and heavy shades of black under his covered eyelids. Things were obviously taking a toll on him and Jack was starting to wonder if he was helping or torturing the boy every time he talked him into packing for another tour. Each time Zack cried and pleaded and begged to be left behind, to fake an illness, anything to keep from spending a couple months with Alex.

The singer didn't make it easy on any of them; he treated them like shit or ignored them completely. Much the same way as he'd left their respective relationships without a word, he checked out of their lives in the same unexplained way. One day he was their boyfriend and he loved them and the next he couldn't be bothered to answer a simple question about whether there were granola bars in the cupboard. Once he was through them, he was seemingly through with them for good. The only exception came in the form of confusingly happy interviews where he interacted with them as if they didn't all hate each other.

"Album sales were really good this year, tours sold out pretty well too," Rian offered the information with guarded interest. He was on board, he knew what Jack was thinking but it was obvious he wasn't going to say a thing until Jack made the announcement himself.

"How do you think this one would react?" Jack motioned to the comatose kid in his lap, sharing a laugh with Rian when Zack mumbled something in his sleep as if to answer him. Again he readjusted Zack to be closer to his body to protect him from the weighty decision he was thinking of making. "Kids would eat him alive if they thought he left first, they'll eat him alive no matter what. You think he can handle that?"

"Don't think he'd even know," Rian replied honestly. "He wouldn't go online, I'm almost positive that's just a clause in his contract. Otherwise he'd be content to just randomly stalk our accounts and text us about anything he thought was important in his life or ours."

"The fans-"

"Have a decade of our lives in the form of albums, photos, videos, and magazine articles. What more could they want? Nothing lasts forever."

Jack raised his eyebrows, "you've thought about this before?"

"Only every time Alex makes me cry for no reason," Rian shrugged.

Jack nodded but offered no reply. For a second time the room filled with comfortable silence while both men thought. The magnitude of the decision wasn't lost on Jack and the last thing he wanted was to rush a verdict in a bitter attempt at punishing someone he wasn't even sure was capable of feeling basic human emotions like remorse or regret. Digging his own grave in the name of making Alex feel bad would be an irrational choice to make, leaving a band that hurt him and his friends more than it helped them was a logical decision that more than made sense.

Most of the guests had arrived by now, Jack could here murmuring from the pews and rushing around from other groomsmen and bridesmaids. A quick glance at his phone screen told him it was an hour until the ceremony was set to begin. Sooner rather than later he needed to head in the direction of Alex's solitary dressing room to snap a picture for the internet to fawn over. If he ever seemed like anything other than the greatest best friend in the world, earth might stop spinning.

With every second he spent thinking about the person he started his band with versus the person who fronted it now the earth got closer and closer to standing still.

"What about you?" Rian broke the silence to ask. "What do you miss most about Alex?"

"Being best friends," Jack limited his answer to the three word response and didn't offer any further explanation. Rian had known him long enough to know that he meant precisely what he'd said. What he missed most was the oddly charming kid he'd connected with years and years ago. Back before he'd ever thought his kids would call Alex "Dad," he'd known they'd call him "Uncle."

It used to be obvious to him that Alex would never be anything less than his best friend in the world and they'd never do anything less than start the best band the world had ever seen. Those dreams were childish works of imagination now but there was a time he'd believed them with his whole heart. There was a time before he ever left Alex thirty minute voicemails begging him to understand that there was nothing wrong with the person he was, back before he'd ever heard that painful homophobic slur leave Alex's lips in a disgusting display of selfish, unnecessary self-defense, a time when everything was still cloaked in the innocent wrappings of strictly platonic friendship and he never dreamed of feeling the hatred that was now synonymous with the name Alex Gaskarth. That time had long since passed but it was undoubtedly what Jack missed most because Alex leaving him alone was an impossibility that crushed him more every time he remembered how effortlessly Alex had made it possible.

"It's cold in here," Zack sleepily noted, surprising Jack out of his reverie. "I wanna go home."

The words were said as a childish complaint but the request drew a serious exchange of glances from Rian and Jack.

"What do you miss most about Alex," Rian sighed, evidently still unwilling to make what he viewed as Jack's choice.

"Don't know," Zack stayed true to the shy person Rian and Jack had both grown to understand more over the last ten months as he played with the silk knot of Jack's tie. His hands shook the slightest bit as they fiddled with the fabric but, unlike he would have several months before, Jack left him alone about it. Unquestionably it was something that he was already aware of and self conscious about, there was no reason to make it worse. "What, what did Jack say," he hesitantly asked. "I like when Jack talks about Alex."

"Being best friends," Rian told a blushing Zack, there was a chance his cheeks were just rosy from the cold but Rian wasn't buying it. "He didn't say anything else, you didn't miss anything."

"We're not gonna be a band anymore, are we?" Zack peered up at Jack for the answer he somehow seemed to already know. "We're not friends anymore, we're better off apart?"

"We," Jack motioned between them and Rian as he stared seriously at his insecure friend. "We will always be best friends; you'll always be my little brother. Nothing can ever change that."

"Not even one stinkin trip to the gym," Zack wiggled his eyebrows with a small smile that came at the cost of a few tears spilling down his pink cheeks.

"You go to the gym everyday of your life and you'll still be my little bro and I'll kill anyone that hurts you. Do you believe me?"

Zack laid his head back against Jack's shoulder, "of course."

It took one more shared glance with Rian for Jack to decide what was best for all of them.

"You guys wanna get out of here?"

"Thought you'd never ask," Rian grinned. "I think a change of clothes is necessary but we can still watch a few football games if we hurry."

"And we can watch them at your house with lots of blankets and pizza," Zack added on hopefully.

"Duh, was there ever any other option?"

"Thanks, Rian," Zack yawned as he stood and stretched out his cramped muscles. After he handed the drummer, or rather the former drummer, his jacket he pulled him into a hug that was never as tight as Rian expected it would be with someone as muscular as Zack. "I love you."

"Love you too, Zachary. You wanna take your turn before we go?"

"Yeah, I'll do it in a second, but let's go."

Rian frowned and nodded at Jack for an explanation but the younger only mirrored his expression and shrugged as they followed Zack out the door. On their way to their former friend’s room they exchanged rushed greetings with several people but Zack continued pushing them forward before they could get caught up in any conversation for more than five seconds. Before they knew it they were standing outside the last door of a hall around the corner from where they'd been hiding out for the majority of the morning.

"H-hey," Alex greeted awkwardly when he saw the group standing outside the doorway. "It's, uh, it's like five minutes till show time. Shouldn't you guys be getting ready?"

Jack gave Zack time to answer and then rolled his eyes and pushed his way into the room when he realized Zack had apparently lost whatever confidence he'd had.

"We're gonna head out actually," he told his tuxedo wearing ex. "We're heading out for good, you can continue on with All Time Low if you want but we won't be part of it."

"You, you what," Alex stammered, searching all three faces in front of him for any sign that this was a joke of some sort. "But, but, you can't-"

"I started this band with my best friend and two people I didn't really know," Jack took a step back to stand shoulder to shoulder with the guys he used to not really know and stare at the ghost in front of him. "I'm ending this band with two of my best friends and a person I don't really know."

After muttering a quiet, "let's go," Jack planned on leaving Alex to stare into nothing with a stupid, helpless expression but his idea was thwarted by Zack refusing to move from where he stood at the head of the line. At first Jack thought it was nerves but a look in the pair of determined hazel eyes staring at Alex told him he was wrong. Out of courtesy he took a step backwards with Rian to give him the floor.

"Look at me," Zack demanded quietly but not shyly, his words were too confident to be misconstrued as anything but a direct order.

The room fell quiet as Alex visibly struggled to decide whether or not he wanted to meet the demand. It wasn't like him to give in to one of his former boyfriends; normally he forced them to do what he wanted and not the other way around but for whatever reason this time he looked up. Immediately he wished he hadn't but it was too late to change his mind. Zack's eyes were already staring deep into his own and there was nothing he could do but maintain the eye contact.

"You're not invisible," Zack started in his usual soft spoken voice and with his fairly common sad smile. "I see you every week and I hope that you're listening every week because all we ever say is that we wish you weren't scared and we miss you like crazy. Sometimes we say those things in mean words but that's only because you hurt us and you never apologized. Every week you've had a chance to apologize and every week I don't understand why you won't, I don't understand why you won't now. But if it's because you can't hear us then I wanna give you an opportunity to hear me now. Are you listening?"

"Yeah," Alex muttered out of obligation but honestly he wasn't hearing a word said to him. All he could hear was that his boys were leaving him for good.

"What I miss most about you is when you used to have the courage to tell me you loved me, instead of hiding in churches and hallways. I hope you'll come talk to us if you ever find that courage again"

"If and when you screw up with Lisa, let her know there's always a spot for her in Group," Rian added on a less friendly note and then they were gone.

With teary eyes, shaking knees and a lump in his throat Alex turned back to the mirror and stared at a scared boy in a suit too big for him. The tidal wave that had been looming over him all morning came crashing down on top of him, leaving him gasping for air and dripping in regret. A smaller wave followed in its wake and it was less a wave of realization and more of a weak notification that it was okay for him to say the words he'd known would be inscribed on his headstone since the first moment he'd forced himself to walk away from Jack.

"Jack, Rian, Zack; that's what I miss most about Alex."