Status: Work in progress
Queer Maria.
Chapter 4
Rian's eyes shot open, his alarm beeping away. An angry hand slammed onto the clock's little button, shutting it off. Rian was not in the mood to wake up early on a Saturday. Especially not when he had to go somewhere where there would also be an Alex Gaskarth. Last night, Alex came to Rian's house, told him to put on lipstick, kissed his cheek and left. What the actual fuck? Rian's bedroom door creaked open, interrupting his aggressive and confused thoughts. The door opened to reveal his mom, her blonde hair a mess as she'd clearly just woken up.
"You awake, sweetheart?" Kathi spoke quietly to her son. "It's the day of Zack's visit. The boys will be expecting us soon."
"I know, mom." Rian said, gritting his teeth. "I'll be down in a minute, just go have breakfast."
"Oh, sweetie." Rian's mom looked at him sympathetically. "I know you're worried but I promise Zack will love you and the others." Rian tried not to roll his eyes at her. That was not why he was being bitter. Alex fucking Gaskarth was why he was being bitter. He was sure Alex had good intentions but that visit just angered him more. He felt as though Alex was taunting him somehow by telling him to put on his girlfriend's lipstick. Guys don't wear lipstick.
"Mom," Rian started, voice reflecting his absolute exasperation at this whole situation, "I understand you mean well but you just don't understand. I'll be down in a minute. Please, for the love of God, just go have breakfast." Kathi gave her son a sad smile, not that Rian could see it from his position on the bed, mind you.
"Ok, hon. I'm here if you need me." With that, she left, closing Rian's bedroom door as quietly as she could and Rian found himself giving a gentle sigh of relief. He rolled over to face his bedside table, eyes falling on the lipstick that lay on it's side. He had angrily thrown it there after his encounter with Alex, before climbing into bed and trying his best to forget what happened and go to sleep. The plastic lid now had a prominent crack in it. Probably from the throw, Rian thought. As he stared at the crack, something in his mind told him that he should at least try it. As angry as he was at Alex, something still told him that Alex had good intentions. There was a voice inside the drummer's head that told him Alex was a good guy and that he wasn't belittling him with this object, nor with his suggestion. The voice was small and somewhat drowned out by anger, but it was there. Rian made a flash decision to listen to it. He found himself climbing out of bed almost involuntarily, hastily picking up the lipstick with shaking fingers, and rushing to the bathroom before anybody could see him. He went to the mirror by the sink and opened the lipstick, rolling it up way too far and applying it to his lips. His whole body was shaking and he felt silly about what he was doing, silly that a small object like this stupid lipstick could make him feel so bad. He didn't even understand why he felt this way, if he was honest. Once he was done applying it, he looked at himself in the mirror, his lips now a deep red. He let out a laugh at his reflection. Any girl would have slapped him right there, he thought. He looked ridiculous, his hand had been shaking way too much to apply the lipstick properly. He found himself thinking that he resembled a clown. His right hand was still grasped around the cosmetic, the lid in his other hand, the crack in the plastic pinching his skin a little. His shaking was slowing to a halt and becoming laughter at himself. But as he stared down at the cosmetic, he remembered something that Alex had said last night after suggesting this. "Let's just say I lied." What does that even mean?, Rian thought to himself. He looked back up at his reflection and a thought crossed his mind. Alex had said this lipstick was his girlfriend's. Had he lied about that? Rian felt relief wash over him at that thought but yet again, he didn't know why. He just wanted things to make sense, damn it. If this lipstick wasn't Alex's girlfriend's, then who's was it?
-
Rian's mom pulled up outside Jack's house. It wasn't even anywhere near 10AM yet (aka the time Zack was due to arrive) but Alex, Jack and Rian wanted to make sure they had everything ready for their new bassist. Rian was nervous about seeing Alex but nowhere near as nervous as he would have been had he not put on that lipstick this morning. He was confident that Alex did not have a girlfriend now and somehow, that made him feel better. The cosmetic lay in his pocket as he sat in the passenger seat of his mom's car, nervously picking at the skin on his hands. His mom patted him on the shoulder from her seat.
"It'll be ok, sweetie." She still thought that Rian was nervous about Zack and that was something that honestly made her son want to laugh but he bit the inside of his cheek instead, knowing that he'd given her enough trouble this morning. His mom smiled at him before she got out of the car, greeting Jack's parents who were running out to meet her. Rian could distantly hear them chatting about how it's been so long and about how none of them could believe the fact that they're finally gonna meet this Zack Merrick they've heard so much about. Rian finally decided to stop feeling sorry for himself and get out there. Alex came all that way last night just to try and clear things up and although Rian still didn't understand, he felt it would be rude of him to completely blank the boy. Rian opened the car door, getting out and breathing in the fresh air, glad to finally stretch his legs. As soon as Jack's mom, Joyce, saw Rian, she ran over to him.
"Rian! How are you?" She cried as she threw her arms around him. "It's so good to see you!" Rian smiled at her as she pulled away from him. "Jack's missed you! He's upstairs with Alex right now if you'd like to go see them." Rian's heart began thudding again at the mention of Alex but he didn't want to upset anyone.
"Sure." Rian said, trying to sound enthusiastic.
"Well, you know where Jack's room is. Just go ahead, OK? We'll be in, in a sec." Rian nodded at her and she finally walked back to where her husband, Bassam, and Rian's mom were chatting. Rian began to walk to the house, his legs wobbling a little. Somehow, after what felt like forever, he managed to get upstairs and knock on Jack's bedroom door.
"That must be Rian." He heard Jack say to Alex. "Come in!" Rian placed a shaking hand on the door handle, opening it to see Jack and Alex sitting on the floor, talking. Jack's room stunk of weed and it never failed to amuse the drummer. How Joyce didn't notice, Rian will never know. Alex had, had his back to the door so he turned around when Rian entered.
"Hey, Rian!" Jack said. It was in that moment that Alex and Rian made eye contact. Alex smiled at him. Rian had tried his absolute best to rub it off and maybe he could fool others but Alex knew the remnants of lipstick. It was the older boy's confirmation that Rian had listened. He hoped the drummer understood now. Rian found himself smiling back. Alex's smile was reassuring to him somehow and he found himself closing the door and placing himself next to Alex on the carpet.
"Hey." Rian slipped into the conversation with ease.
-
It was 9:30AM. Zack was due to arrive in half an hour. Alex, Jack and Rian sat around the dining table in Jack's house, letting the adults prepare everything. The three boys were playing KerPlunk to pass the time. Jack was fast becoming the loser, his amass of marbles that he'd collected becoming hard to keep track of. Alex and Rian kept cracking jokes at how bad the youngest of the three was and he was slowly but surely becoming more and more agitated every time he collected yet more marbles, making his two friends laugh harder at his expense. They were going counter-clockwise and Jack had just collected 4 more marbles so that meant that it was now Rian's turn. He carefully grasped a straw, pulling it out as steadily as he could, thankfully not receiving any marbles for his efforts. Rian laid the straw onto the table, relieved.
"Alex, your turn." He said and both Rian and Jack watched carefully as the eldest boy grabbed a red straw. As Alex's fingers closed around the thin piece of plastic, something caught Rian's eye. Pink nail polish on one of Alex's nails. Rian found himself staring at the bright colour. He would have understood if it was, like, black or something. Heck, Jack's been known to wear black nail polish. But pink? Why would Alex wear pink nail polish? Rian's mind went back to the lipstick in his pocket. He still hadn't given it back to Alex yet. Lipstick, now nail polish. What was Alex hiding? A thought crossed Rian's mind as Alex groaned at the fact that 3 marbles had fallen onto the table. Was the lipstick Alex's? He suddenly didn't care about KerPlunk anymore, his thoughts drowning out the sound of Jack losing rather aggressively.
"Do you wear makeup?" The words left Rian's mouth before he could stop himself. Both Alex and Jack looked at him and Alex could feel his mouth going dry. There was no doubt who Rian was talking to. Alex did what he did the night before so that he wouldn't have to have this conversation. He thought Rian had understood. He thought the lipstick had been enough. Clearly not.
"U-um..." Alex stuttered, trying to think of a way to say it. He'd never had to tell Jack, really. Jack walked in on him and then they had a conversation. Alex had never had to sit down and outright say that he crossdresses. It was a conversation that, honestly, he was terrified of. But the question was out there now and nothing was going to stop Rian from finally getting an answer for the last few weeks.
"Answer me, Alex. Do you wear makeup?" Alex looked at Jack pleadingly but the younger boy was also in shock at how outright Rian was being. Jack didn't even know about the events that had transpired outside Rian's house last night so this was even more confusing for him. He couldn't help Alex right now if he tried. Alex breathed deeply, facing Rian again. It was now or never.
"Yes. I wear makeup. Is that OK?" Alex closed his eyes, bracing himself for the worst but was surprised to hear Rian laughing. Alex opened one eye, scanning Rian's face, and then both eyes when he felt that it was safe. He shot his friend a confused look.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Rian cried. "You couldn't have just told me that? I've been a nervous wreck for weeks, thinking I upset you, thinking that I somehow pried into your personal life by accidentally seeing fuckng lipstick!" He grabbed Alex by the shoulders and the older boy's heart was racing by now. He couldn't tell if Rian accepted him or not. "Alex, listen to me. I've been so confused and upset over this." He pulled the lipstick out from his pocket, clumsily placing it into Alex's hands. "You could have just told me that it was yours. I wouldn't have cared." Rian kissed Alex on the cheek, just like Alex had done to him last night. "That's for last night. I'm going to get some soda. Jesus Christ." With that, Rian got up from his seat, laughing and walking out of the dining room and into the connected kitchen to get his soda. Alex turned to face Jack, who was giving his best friend an accusing look.
"What did you do, Gaskarth?" Jack laughed as Alex smiled, blushing a little. He began to laugh too. He was so relieved that Rian was OK with it, OK with him. Nothing could stop them now.
-
Zack's mom, Carla, finally pulled up behind a parked silver car, Zack anxiously chewing at his fingernails in the passenger seat.
"This must be the right house." She said, looking at the car in front of her. "There's two cars in front of me and then one in the driveway. Joyce said to look out for two cars outside - one silver, one black - plus her own." Zack stopped biting his nails to look up at the house. Jack had shared a picture of his family standing outside his house online once. Zack recognised this house instantly.
"Yeah, this is the one, mom. Jack showed me a picture."
"OK." Carla said, unbuckling her seatbelt. "Well, then, here goes nothing." She smiled at her son before they both got out of the car.
"You awake, sweetheart?" Kathi spoke quietly to her son. "It's the day of Zack's visit. The boys will be expecting us soon."
"I know, mom." Rian said, gritting his teeth. "I'll be down in a minute, just go have breakfast."
"Oh, sweetie." Rian's mom looked at him sympathetically. "I know you're worried but I promise Zack will love you and the others." Rian tried not to roll his eyes at her. That was not why he was being bitter. Alex fucking Gaskarth was why he was being bitter. He was sure Alex had good intentions but that visit just angered him more. He felt as though Alex was taunting him somehow by telling him to put on his girlfriend's lipstick. Guys don't wear lipstick.
"Mom," Rian started, voice reflecting his absolute exasperation at this whole situation, "I understand you mean well but you just don't understand. I'll be down in a minute. Please, for the love of God, just go have breakfast." Kathi gave her son a sad smile, not that Rian could see it from his position on the bed, mind you.
"Ok, hon. I'm here if you need me." With that, she left, closing Rian's bedroom door as quietly as she could and Rian found himself giving a gentle sigh of relief. He rolled over to face his bedside table, eyes falling on the lipstick that lay on it's side. He had angrily thrown it there after his encounter with Alex, before climbing into bed and trying his best to forget what happened and go to sleep. The plastic lid now had a prominent crack in it. Probably from the throw, Rian thought. As he stared at the crack, something in his mind told him that he should at least try it. As angry as he was at Alex, something still told him that Alex had good intentions. There was a voice inside the drummer's head that told him Alex was a good guy and that he wasn't belittling him with this object, nor with his suggestion. The voice was small and somewhat drowned out by anger, but it was there. Rian made a flash decision to listen to it. He found himself climbing out of bed almost involuntarily, hastily picking up the lipstick with shaking fingers, and rushing to the bathroom before anybody could see him. He went to the mirror by the sink and opened the lipstick, rolling it up way too far and applying it to his lips. His whole body was shaking and he felt silly about what he was doing, silly that a small object like this stupid lipstick could make him feel so bad. He didn't even understand why he felt this way, if he was honest. Once he was done applying it, he looked at himself in the mirror, his lips now a deep red. He let out a laugh at his reflection. Any girl would have slapped him right there, he thought. He looked ridiculous, his hand had been shaking way too much to apply the lipstick properly. He found himself thinking that he resembled a clown. His right hand was still grasped around the cosmetic, the lid in his other hand, the crack in the plastic pinching his skin a little. His shaking was slowing to a halt and becoming laughter at himself. But as he stared down at the cosmetic, he remembered something that Alex had said last night after suggesting this. "Let's just say I lied." What does that even mean?, Rian thought to himself. He looked back up at his reflection and a thought crossed his mind. Alex had said this lipstick was his girlfriend's. Had he lied about that? Rian felt relief wash over him at that thought but yet again, he didn't know why. He just wanted things to make sense, damn it. If this lipstick wasn't Alex's girlfriend's, then who's was it?
-
Rian's mom pulled up outside Jack's house. It wasn't even anywhere near 10AM yet (aka the time Zack was due to arrive) but Alex, Jack and Rian wanted to make sure they had everything ready for their new bassist. Rian was nervous about seeing Alex but nowhere near as nervous as he would have been had he not put on that lipstick this morning. He was confident that Alex did not have a girlfriend now and somehow, that made him feel better. The cosmetic lay in his pocket as he sat in the passenger seat of his mom's car, nervously picking at the skin on his hands. His mom patted him on the shoulder from her seat.
"It'll be ok, sweetie." She still thought that Rian was nervous about Zack and that was something that honestly made her son want to laugh but he bit the inside of his cheek instead, knowing that he'd given her enough trouble this morning. His mom smiled at him before she got out of the car, greeting Jack's parents who were running out to meet her. Rian could distantly hear them chatting about how it's been so long and about how none of them could believe the fact that they're finally gonna meet this Zack Merrick they've heard so much about. Rian finally decided to stop feeling sorry for himself and get out there. Alex came all that way last night just to try and clear things up and although Rian still didn't understand, he felt it would be rude of him to completely blank the boy. Rian opened the car door, getting out and breathing in the fresh air, glad to finally stretch his legs. As soon as Jack's mom, Joyce, saw Rian, she ran over to him.
"Rian! How are you?" She cried as she threw her arms around him. "It's so good to see you!" Rian smiled at her as she pulled away from him. "Jack's missed you! He's upstairs with Alex right now if you'd like to go see them." Rian's heart began thudding again at the mention of Alex but he didn't want to upset anyone.
"Sure." Rian said, trying to sound enthusiastic.
"Well, you know where Jack's room is. Just go ahead, OK? We'll be in, in a sec." Rian nodded at her and she finally walked back to where her husband, Bassam, and Rian's mom were chatting. Rian began to walk to the house, his legs wobbling a little. Somehow, after what felt like forever, he managed to get upstairs and knock on Jack's bedroom door.
"That must be Rian." He heard Jack say to Alex. "Come in!" Rian placed a shaking hand on the door handle, opening it to see Jack and Alex sitting on the floor, talking. Jack's room stunk of weed and it never failed to amuse the drummer. How Joyce didn't notice, Rian will never know. Alex had, had his back to the door so he turned around when Rian entered.
"Hey, Rian!" Jack said. It was in that moment that Alex and Rian made eye contact. Alex smiled at him. Rian had tried his absolute best to rub it off and maybe he could fool others but Alex knew the remnants of lipstick. It was the older boy's confirmation that Rian had listened. He hoped the drummer understood now. Rian found himself smiling back. Alex's smile was reassuring to him somehow and he found himself closing the door and placing himself next to Alex on the carpet.
"Hey." Rian slipped into the conversation with ease.
-
It was 9:30AM. Zack was due to arrive in half an hour. Alex, Jack and Rian sat around the dining table in Jack's house, letting the adults prepare everything. The three boys were playing KerPlunk to pass the time. Jack was fast becoming the loser, his amass of marbles that he'd collected becoming hard to keep track of. Alex and Rian kept cracking jokes at how bad the youngest of the three was and he was slowly but surely becoming more and more agitated every time he collected yet more marbles, making his two friends laugh harder at his expense. They were going counter-clockwise and Jack had just collected 4 more marbles so that meant that it was now Rian's turn. He carefully grasped a straw, pulling it out as steadily as he could, thankfully not receiving any marbles for his efforts. Rian laid the straw onto the table, relieved.
"Alex, your turn." He said and both Rian and Jack watched carefully as the eldest boy grabbed a red straw. As Alex's fingers closed around the thin piece of plastic, something caught Rian's eye. Pink nail polish on one of Alex's nails. Rian found himself staring at the bright colour. He would have understood if it was, like, black or something. Heck, Jack's been known to wear black nail polish. But pink? Why would Alex wear pink nail polish? Rian's mind went back to the lipstick in his pocket. He still hadn't given it back to Alex yet. Lipstick, now nail polish. What was Alex hiding? A thought crossed Rian's mind as Alex groaned at the fact that 3 marbles had fallen onto the table. Was the lipstick Alex's? He suddenly didn't care about KerPlunk anymore, his thoughts drowning out the sound of Jack losing rather aggressively.
"Do you wear makeup?" The words left Rian's mouth before he could stop himself. Both Alex and Jack looked at him and Alex could feel his mouth going dry. There was no doubt who Rian was talking to. Alex did what he did the night before so that he wouldn't have to have this conversation. He thought Rian had understood. He thought the lipstick had been enough. Clearly not.
"U-um..." Alex stuttered, trying to think of a way to say it. He'd never had to tell Jack, really. Jack walked in on him and then they had a conversation. Alex had never had to sit down and outright say that he crossdresses. It was a conversation that, honestly, he was terrified of. But the question was out there now and nothing was going to stop Rian from finally getting an answer for the last few weeks.
"Answer me, Alex. Do you wear makeup?" Alex looked at Jack pleadingly but the younger boy was also in shock at how outright Rian was being. Jack didn't even know about the events that had transpired outside Rian's house last night so this was even more confusing for him. He couldn't help Alex right now if he tried. Alex breathed deeply, facing Rian again. It was now or never.
"Yes. I wear makeup. Is that OK?" Alex closed his eyes, bracing himself for the worst but was surprised to hear Rian laughing. Alex opened one eye, scanning Rian's face, and then both eyes when he felt that it was safe. He shot his friend a confused look.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Rian cried. "You couldn't have just told me that? I've been a nervous wreck for weeks, thinking I upset you, thinking that I somehow pried into your personal life by accidentally seeing fuckng lipstick!" He grabbed Alex by the shoulders and the older boy's heart was racing by now. He couldn't tell if Rian accepted him or not. "Alex, listen to me. I've been so confused and upset over this." He pulled the lipstick out from his pocket, clumsily placing it into Alex's hands. "You could have just told me that it was yours. I wouldn't have cared." Rian kissed Alex on the cheek, just like Alex had done to him last night. "That's for last night. I'm going to get some soda. Jesus Christ." With that, Rian got up from his seat, laughing and walking out of the dining room and into the connected kitchen to get his soda. Alex turned to face Jack, who was giving his best friend an accusing look.
"What did you do, Gaskarth?" Jack laughed as Alex smiled, blushing a little. He began to laugh too. He was so relieved that Rian was OK with it, OK with him. Nothing could stop them now.
-
Zack's mom, Carla, finally pulled up behind a parked silver car, Zack anxiously chewing at his fingernails in the passenger seat.
"This must be the right house." She said, looking at the car in front of her. "There's two cars in front of me and then one in the driveway. Joyce said to look out for two cars outside - one silver, one black - plus her own." Zack stopped biting his nails to look up at the house. Jack had shared a picture of his family standing outside his house online once. Zack recognised this house instantly.
"Yeah, this is the one, mom. Jack showed me a picture."
"OK." Carla said, unbuckling her seatbelt. "Well, then, here goes nothing." She smiled at her son before they both got out of the car.