Queer Maria.

A thousand thoughts were running through Alex's brain. No, scratch that, more like a million. Rian fucking Dawson had just kissed him. And here he was, acting against his better judgement and kissing back. He was so confused right now and his confusion was what made him suddenly pull away, now making Rian the one who was confused. Alex had seemed into it, Rian had thought.

"What the fuck was that?!" Alex cried defensively, pushing his friend away from him as he stood up, even though every bone in his body was just screaming at him to go back to kissing the younger boy. But he was way too freaked out to do that right now. "Rian, I'm not gay..." There was a look of disbelief on Alex's face as he said it, his head shaking slowly. He honestly wasn't sure if he was telling Rian about his sexuality or trying to convince himself. There was no denying that he liked that kiss, after all. He was just so confused right now. Rian's face softened as he watched Alex descend into panic mode. He was starting to understand now.

"Alex," He started, his voice gentle, taking Alex aback a little. He thought his outburst would have made Rian angry. Rian stood up, walking towards the older boy and putting his hands on his shoulders, trying his best to reassure him. "No one's saying you're gay. And even if you were, there'd be nothing wrong with that. I'm gay." Rian put one hand on his chest as he spoke those last two words, gesturing to himself, and Alex looked up at Rian, a little shocked.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Rian said. "I just didn't wanna tell you guys until I had a reason to. Didn't see the need. Now, I have a reason to." Rian gestured to Alex and Alex smiled for a moment, before his expression turned right back to being worried out of his mind.

"That's great for you and all, Ri, but... it's different for me." Alex looked away from Rian, not wanting to admit to what he was fearing; rejection from his family.

"How so?" Rian asked, trying to lead Alex back to sit down on his bed but the older boy wouldn't rest with him, pacing Rian's room with a frantic air that Rian had never seen his friend possess before.

"My family, they- I'm worried they might not be as accepting as yours." Alex gulped, finally sitting down on the bed once he had successfully expressed his thoughts.

"But, Alex, I've met your mom, she's so accepting! I mean, look at how she reacts to your Maria persona! I'm sure she'd be fine with you being gay-"

"No!" Alex cried, pulling at his own hair. He was absolutely exasperated at the fact that Rian just did not seem to get it. He didn't want to hurt Rian's feelings but he knew that there were more important things to think about than a prospective relationship between the two. As much as he liked Rian, he had to think about how other people would take it. He had never done well with judgement or confrontation and well, what if his parents kicked him out of the house? Rian just didn't seem to be thinking about these things as the real possibilities that they were. He didn't know Alex's family the way Alex did. "She doesn't know about Maria, Ri. She thinks I'm just playing dress up. She doesn't realise it's a part of me. She wants me to keep it hidden away forever because she's worried that people will judge me. I'm worried that people will judge me. And my dad, he is so much stricter than her. He hates knowing that I cross-dress. He constantly tells me that I need to grow out of it already, that it's a phase, and that I need to become a man. If I were to tell him that I was anything other than straight, he would have my head. You don't know the half of it, Ri. I'm gonna change back into my normal clothes and then I've gotta go." Alex stood up, looking down at Rian with tears in his eyes. Rian felt like crying too, if he was honest. He was so close to finally being able to be in a relationship, so close to experiencing what everyone else his age already had. So close to his bond with Alex finally starting to make sense. He held Alex's hands tight as his friend spoke to him. "Clearly, I've got some things to figure out. I'll see you at band practice on Saturday." He kissed Rian's forehead and the drummer's skin tingled as he did so. He didn't know if it was sparks or what but he knew that he didn't want to let Alex go. He just wanted to press their lips together again and never pull away this time. But he thought if he tried to kiss his friend again, it would be unfair to Alex. He knew Alex wasn't trying to hurt him but this still fucking sucked. Alex pulled away from Rian, letting go of the younger boy's hands and finally going to the bathroom to change and gather his stuff, before he walked downstairs with his bag on his shoulder and all Rian was left with was the sound of the front door closing as his crush left.

-

When Alex reached his home, he noticed his parents' car in the driveway and was instantly filled with dread. On top of everything, they were now going to know that he'd gone to show Rian his cross-dressing, the bag on his shoulder a tell-tale sign. Seeing no way to escape from it, the teenager simply walked on and into his house, ready for the row he would likely receive. Sure enough, his mother appeared in front of him in the hallway before he'd even had a chance to run upstairs and away from the trouble he was in. He looked down at his feet as she gave him her best angry stare, partly because he really was ashamed and partly because he didn't want her to see his tear-stained cheeks.

"And just where the hell have you been?! You didn't even leave a note! We were worried sick-" It was then that she noticed the bag on his shoulder, a bag she recognised all too well. Panic filled her as she yelled even louder at her son. "Did you take that shit outside of the house?! Who did you show? I wanna know, young man!" Alex burst into tears again, taking his mother aback, worry for her son suddenly filling her and taking the place of all of the anger she felt towards him.

"It doesn't matter!" Alex cried, his voice breaking. "He probably wants nothing to do with me now anyway." Alex pushed past her, running upstairs as fast as he could, dropping his bag as soon as he entered his room and flopping onto his bed, in hysterics. Isobel followed her son, gently knocking on his open door. He lifted his head up, twisting his body to look at who it was. A disappointed look fell across his face when he saw his mom standing there, him sitting up on the edge of the bed and wiping his nose on his hand, sniffling, the tears finally coming to a halt. "Go away." He ordered. "I don't wanna talk."

"Maybe you don't," Isobel said, her voice gentle, a huge contrast from 5 minutes ago when she was yelling at her child. She sat next to Alex on his bed, putting an arm around him, attempting to comfort him. "But I do." She felt him smile a little as he hugged her, which made her smile a little in return. "So," she said, releasing him as he sat back up, "you wanna tell me what's wrong?" Against his better judgement, Alex found himself starting to explain.

"I-I think I like someone, and-and I got a pretty big sign today that they like me back. But I'm scared." Alex began searching his mother's face for signs of acceptance or rejection already, despite the fact that he hadn't even said anything about his sexuality yet. His mind was just racing so much and he didn't know how to stop it. He was so nervous.

"Is this the same someone you dressed up for? Why are you scared?" Isobel had a frown etched upon her face as she spoke, concerned for her son. She could tell how nervous he was. Alex nodded in response to the first question and then began to reply to the second.

"This person... this person is not a girl. Is that alright?" Alex stuttered as he spoke and then shut his eyes tight once he was finished, bracing himself for whatever may come next. Isobel's eyes widened and she was starting to feel frightened herself. All of her worst fears had come true. She had never wanted Alex to be an outcast, to have people make him afraid to live his own life and embrace his truth. She wanted her son to have his best chance and when she found out about his cross-dressing, she started to become worried that he wouldn't get that; that he wouldn't get the life she wanted for him. That he wouldn't be happy. She never wanted him to be gay because she knew how gay people had to live. She never wanted Alex to experience that kind of prejudice. But now that he had actually expressed an interest in men, she knew she had to push that all aside and be there for her son. She knew it wasn't about her. She knew how scared Alex was right now. Suddenly, she grabbed her son, hugging him close to her chest with tears in her eyes. Alex's eyes flung open in surprise as she did so and his face relaxed as he hugged his mother back with more emotion than ever.

"Honey..." She said, stroking his hair as she held him tight, her voice gentle but breaking as tears spilled over. "I know I haven't always been the best at understanding and I know that time and time again, I have told you that you need to hide the parts of you that aren't so average but that doesn't mean I don't accept you. I will accept you no matter what, please understand that. I'm just worried that other people won't. I want you to have a good life, not one where you have to worry about what everyone thinks of you. But I know that I can't change who you are so if you are gay," She pushed him off of her gently so that she was looking him in the eyes, her hands on his shoulders, "then I will accept it. No exceptions." Alex breathed a sigh of relief, grabbing his mother's hands that were still on his shoulders.

"I love you so much, mom." He hugged her again, speaking into her chest. "I don't know what I am yet but I promise, when I find out, you'll be the first to know." Isobel smiled, putting her arms around her son and returning his hug, glad that she could be there for him in his time of need. She just worried about what his father would say.

"Good. I love you too."

-

The next day, Alex awoke to his alarm. He was still thinking about Rian and the kiss they'd shared. He was due to go over to Jack's house today. He wanted to talk to his best friend about what had happened. He thought maybe talking about it to Jack would help him figure things out. Or maybe he just needed to get his feelings out to someone. His thoughts and worries were overloading him, despite his mother's positive reaction the night before. He was still worried about his father's reaction, and the reactions of the kids at school. And he didn't even know if he was gay yet. The worst part of it all was that he knew that this all made sense. Of course it did. The way he'd been feeling for years, how he'd always felt like such an outsider to everyone else his age. He had assumed it was because of his cross-dressing that he felt that way but maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe it just took kissing Rian to make him realise. He smiled when he thought of that. He couldn't deny how much he'd enjoyed that moment, the moment that their lips touched. When Rian kissed him, he felt a fire in the pit of his stomach start to burn, he felt sparks and butterflies galore. He was just too afraid to admit it to his friend, too afraid to even admit it to himself. Alex so did not want to be gay.

-

Alex was approaching Jack's house now, Jack already standing in the doorway, waiting for him. Alex had sounded so anxious on the phone last night and his friend was worried about him to say the least. Alex told him that something had happened between him and Rian but hadn't told him what and Jack became even more nervous to find out what it was when he saw the look on Alex's face. The older boy looked like shit. He looked like he'd barely slept and like he'd been crying most of the night instead. Jack could tell he hadn't showered or even bothered to do his hair as he put his arm around his shaking best friend, guiding him inside.

"My parents aren't home so we can talk down here if you want." Jack told Alex, gesturing to the living room. Alex nodded, going in and sitting down.

"Thank you." Alex watched as Jack sat down in the armchair across from him.

"So what's up? You sounded really anxious on the phone. What happened?" Alex took a deep breath, bracing himself to tell Jack everything.

"You'll be my friend no matter what, right?"

"Yeah, of course!" Jack cried, wondering why Alex would even ask such a question in the first place. "Why?"

"I-I have something to tell you..." Alex said, stuttering. "And I don't know how you're gonna take it." Jack smiled at the older boy reassuringly.

"Whatever it is, it can't be more shocking than Maria." Both of the boys laughed then, Alex feeling a little more relaxed. He decided he could tell Jack now.

"I kissed Rian." Alex whispered, sort of hoping that Jack wouldn't hear but he did and instead of being shocked, he smiled.

"That's great." He replied and Alex was confused now. How on Earth was that great?

"How?" Alex asked. "I'm in such an awkward position now, Jack, and I don't know what to do! I'm not gay." Alex's voice wavered a little on those last few words. Jack scoffed at his friend.

"Are you sure?! Because all those kisses you've put on my lips might beg to differ." Alex's face fell in shock at this and Jack quickly realised what had just come out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, it's fine." Alex sighed, feeling thoroughly defeated now. "I should have told you about those, I shouldn't have just assumed you didn't remember. How come you let me think that anyway?" Jack sighed now too, shrugging his shoulders.

"I don't know. I guess I could tell you were confused. I just didn't wanna add on any more stress." Alex looked up at his friend, furrowing his brows at him.

"But I wasn't confused, not until I kissed Rian anyway."

"Are you sure about that? Maybe you were confused and you just didn't know it. Or you didn't want to know it." Alex looked down, ashamed at himself. For what, he didn't know.

"Jack, no offence," Alex started, "but those kisses with you, they meant nothing-"

"I know." Jack smiled at his friend and his friend smiled back.

"But that kiss with Rian, I've never felt like that in my life. It was like there was a fire in my veins, burning just for him. I would have kissed him for the rest of time if I could have. But I started to worry and I pushed him away and I yelled at him about how I thought my family would react and about how I wasn't gay. I think I've ruined things with him forever. I don't even know if we'll have a friendship left after this, let alone anything romantic!" A tear rolled down Alex's cheek. He just wished he could stop crying for once. Jack held his best friends shoulders in his hands, forcing him to look at him.

"I would bet any amount of money that he would give you another chance in a heartbeat so go to him, you idiot!" Jack shook Alex a little as he said the last part of his sentence. Alex laughed at his friend, wiping tears from his own eyes. He knew Jack was right.

"OK." Alex got up to leave. "I'll go there now." Jack called after his friend as he walked out the front door.

"And take a shower first, you stink!" Jack smiled. He was rooting for those two lovebirds so much.

-

Alex nervously walked up to Rian's front door. He had taken Jack's advice and had gone home to make himself look nice first. He really wanted to impress Rian, if he was honest. As he rapped on the door, he became overwhelmed with nerves and almost turned back but then Rian opened the door. Upon seeing Alex, he stepped outside, closing the door behind him so that they could have some privacy.

"What do you want?" Rian snapped, obviously upset with the older boy. "You come here to tell me how not gay you are again?" Alex sighed, looking down at the ground for a brief moment before his eyes met Rian's eyes again.

"No." He breathed. "I came here to apologise. Rian, I can't pretend to know what I am and I can't pretend I'm not scared but there's one thing I do know and that's that I like you. That kiss was unlike anything I've ever felt before and believe it or not, all I wanted to do was keep kissing you. Jack made me realise that I should have. I should have listened to my gut and not my worries about what other people would think." Rian smiled at his friend. "I'm so sorry, Rian. Please forgive me." Rian pulled Alex in for a hug.

"Of course I forgive you. I just wanted to hear you admit that you liked that kiss. I wanted you to confirm that it wasn't all in my head."

"It wasn't, Ri, I swear it wasn't." Alex smiled as he held him. The two boys slightly pulled away from each other and Alex scanned Rian's face, his eyes lingering on the younger boy's lips. He knew what he wanted to do and this time, he was gonna listen to his gut. Alex looked Rian in the eyes again. They were standing so close to each other that they could each feel the other's breath on their faces, their arms still loosely around each other. "I really, really like you." Alex admitted and with that, he pressed his lips to Rian's, deciding not to waste any more time. The drummer began to kiss back almost instantly and they stayed like that for what seemed like forever, just being in their own personal heaven. Eventually, they pulled apart and Alex began to speak, his voice breathless. "Will you be my boyfriend?"