Better Angels

I want to hide.

But I can't.

There's a throbbing ache in my shoulder, the tent is empty, and I sit on a wooden stool while Hershel work on my arm.

There's good news and bad news. Good news? I don't have a bullet in my shoulder to be taken out. Bad news?... The bullet went all the way through and it hurts like a bitch.

I stare without blinking at the east stained white canvas wall, I don't blink, I don't wince in pain. What pain is there left to suffer from?

Just this morning I suffered from mental pain, physical pain and emotional pain. I feel numb, all the way through. I didn't know Dale all that well, but he was very nice when I did talk to him. He was very watchful of the camp, kept Shane in line.

Now he's just... Gone. Gone? How does someone just disappear when you are sitting right there, looking at them? One hell of a magic trick, I'll give them that.

"Alright, there you go." Hershel announces. I look over my shoulder, but I don't really care how well it's dressed or how much pain I am in now.

"Thank you, Hershel." I say, standing up and straightening my shirt, ducking out of the tent.

I go to the horses, but on my way to the shed, I see someone digging holes out back. So I decide against going into the shed just yet.

As I go out, I recognize T-Dog. He has dug one hole already, yet he's digging another.

"Who else?" I ask, looking down at the pit in the ground, imagining what it'd be like to be in there permanently.

"Three." T-Dog answers, and I feel a spasm of panic.

"Dale, Ellice, and Alex."

I try to process this, Ellice is dead?

"Alex was on watch last night, guess he didn't think of much when someone else was up there with him."

I nod, I cannot think of anything to say. Just pictures of smiling, always happy and friendly Ellice, now going into that cold damp hole.

I swallow tightly and walk away.

I keep my right arm straight at my side to avoid more pain than I have to, my mind is swimming by the time I reach the shed.

I feed both horses in a daze, and just as I'm walking out, I'm met by two buckskin horses, their reins clutched in Daryl's hand, his face severe.

"You've got room right?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I say softly, walking back in, and walking towards the very back of the shed, there is two more areas, we arranged them to store things in, but it'd be nice to have some extra horses.

Once I lead them both in and shut the gate, I avoid looking back at Daryl, I know he is behind me, and I know he is mad.

"Look at me already." he says roughly.

I look over my shoulder, no part of him is the soft and sarcastic Daryl I like, it's the tense, ready to rip your head off Daryl.

I sigh and run my hand through my hair, "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing, I want you to explain."

"Explain what?" I whisper.

"Why you lied!" He bursts "You knew that man attacking you 'get even'? You had to have done something to him first, now, explain to me why you didn't just kill him."

I stand in silence for a second, and then I turn and start walking out.

"So you're a coward?" He calls after me, I stop and spin to face him.

"I am not a coward, I want to talk somewhere more private, you damn big mouth." I hiss, grabbing a fistful of his sleevless shirt and yanking him down to eye level. We glare at each other in silence until I push him away and start walking again.

I walk behind the shed, no one is one watch right now because there is so much work to do, the funeral's will be at noon, it is eight. I've got time.

I walk in complete silence for three minutes, I'd avoid this conversation if I could.

"So?" Daryl demands.

"So I didn't kill him."

he scoffs.

"You don't understand why." I seeth "So don't pretend that you see the whole picture, Dixon."

He rolls his eyes but doesn't retort.

"I did kill him." I admit "Or so I thought, him and his friend, Jason were after me, I couldn't lead them back to camp, so I did lead them to that dairy, and hid in the basement of the house, but they found me, I killed Jason by shooting him in the head, I shot Brigg's in the shoulder, and ran out of ammo, so I beat his face in with the gun, then when the violent high wore off, I realized how brutal I'd been, he choked! He choked on his own blood, Daryl! He wasn't breathing, and I panicked, I had to get out of there!"

His face becomes hard and his coming words make me feel weak, and like I just want to slap him.

"You're still a coward, for not telling us the truth, for not just letting it become you-"

"Become me!?" I yell angrily "What? The brutality? Just let myself become a murderer? It doesn't matter how I did it, it's that I did, that I found the strength to do it at all."

"It was andrenaline." Daryl excuses as though he doesn't think I could have done it otherwise, we keep walking.

"Jason was the first human I've ever killed... Who wasn't infected." I hardly whisper, but it's still harsh.

Daryl slows a little bit. "I'm sorry, but still. Why didn't you speak with them first? They could have been good men, good for this group."

I stop walking and plant my feet "They were going to rape me, Daryl. They were, and I was supposed to reason with them? I have my family to protect, I'm not going to cave for some scummy old men!" I say, my voice cracks and my throat tightens.

Daryl faces me, his face nothing but soft, caring even. I don't have to feel anything else, he walks towards me in two bounds and wraps his arms around my back, even if it was only for five seconds, it made me feel like someone still cared.

"You're going to need to tell the truth to the others. Andrea will be hard, it will be hard for all of them, they all loved Dale, Ellice and Alex. They won't just forget." He warns, and I nod limply. There's nothing else I can do to fight the way I've betrayed these people.

For what? So they wouldn't be afraid, afraid of me.

I keep walking, as if I can outrun this conversation, Daryl is going to make it haunt me. I know I have a lot to set straight today, and it starts with the truth. I don't want to deal with it yet, but it's most likely that Daryl will force it on me, I'm not going to be able to avoid it.

"I can't make them forget, nor can I ease their pain in any way knowing that maybe their people died brave, because they didn't. I knew something would happen, and I didn't prepare them. Dale, Ellice and Alex, they didn't go out as heroes, they went out as people."

My footfalls sound marshy against the moist earth. But I continue to move forward.

"I am a liar, and I wish you'd just call me that now, because honestly it would make me feel better."

"You're a liar." Daryl says outright, when I look back at him, he isn't smirking. He is being honest.

"I know." I nod "I don't care what they decide. If they decide that my lie is too much for them, I am prepared to leave the group."

"Now hold up there, this is your home. You ain't the one who's gotta leave, but they still are gonna want an explaination, and'a damn good one too."

I start walking towards the house. I need to get ready for the... funeral. Get ready to mourn.



I stand in front of my mirror, in the dim sunlight through the west window, I see dust clinging to the glass.

I straighten the black clothing I wear again, I probably wouldn't be dressing up so decently if Dale and Ellice hadn't been included in the killing total.

I still wear my hiking boots, and a black dress that ends at my knees, I coil my pocho around my neck and lean over the vanity, not to apply makeup; I have none of that. But to look into my eyes and fix a loose strand of hair, tucking it behind my right ear, I look at my eyes.

They are blue, soft dull blue, Daryl's are a slightly brighter shade, but we both share the slightly green tint.

I don't like wearing dresses, no matter how girly I should act or how extinct feminism becomes, there will still come days, like today, that I feel obligated to looking decent. Either that or my mom forces me into a dress, and usaually it wasn't one I liked.

"Are you doing ok?"

I look up into the mirror, behind me I see he ever beautiful Maggie, she is bold, in many ways and has definately earned her place as one of the group's badasses.

I lick my lips and nod, looking down "Yeah, I guess so. What about you?"

She picks up something small from the shelf beside the door, examines it briefly and sets it back down again, shrugging a little. "I knew Dale pretty well... He's always been the watchful eyes of the group when Rick was gone, Shane liked to get a little... 'My way or the highway' when Rick wasn't there."

She sighed a little, and I nod. looking down and closing my eyes. This is about as much of a funeral as it is a death sentance, I just about fucking led Briggs and his men back here, I might as well left a trail of suicidal bread crumbs.

I know what comes from the truth won't be good, it won't mend their hearts or make anything better, except that I am once again open to them and am hiding nothing. Secrets can be dangerous, often to those around you.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, opening my eyes and looking at her brown ones in the reflection.

"Why're you apologizing?" She asks in her southern accent, confused.

I shrug slightly and hang my head, deciding not to say anything just yet I say "You'll see."

She doesn't look any more relieved than before, only intuition on her face, she nods a little "Guess I'll just... See you out there, in a bit."

She bites he lip, I nod.

A small, weak smile forms on her lips and she walks forward and grabs my arm and leads me to the window, pointing down below out the window where some people are milling about.

"One bright side, we get to see a decent Daryl." She smiles wider, apparently it's a joke around the group of... I don't know, just how Daryl is. Everyone seems to find humor in him, also protection and a second opinion.

I pick him out, he stands in the front yard with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his holy jeans, but he is wearing something that looks very unusual on him: A white button down shirt, with the sleeves shoved up to his elbows, a black tie around his neck that he keeps tugging at, until it just sags around his neck.

His hair is still greasy, but smoother and no so wispy, yet he still has dirt smeared across his face like shit. Sooo not entirely in the mood to be all dressed up.

I laugh, but it feels wrong. It just vibrates my chest and pulls my cheeks a little, but there is no after feeling. I don't feel like I am actually happy,just trying to be.

Accept what you did, you idiot.

I smile at Maggie as she exits the room, then I sink onto the floorboards with so much dispair in my heart it feels as though it might just explode.

They're gonna hate me, but that's just best case scenario. Worst case?... They're gonna kill me, and dance on my grave. Rather that sounds metophorically or not, it's up to you to decide. I just know it won't end well.

I sigh, exhaling the heavy breath, it heaves my chest the way any other deep breath would, but I don't feel relieved- I feel guilty.





Breathe.

Breathe, dammit.

I exhale slowly, and finally force my hand away from myself and grab the door handle, twisting it and pulling open the door, I step out onto the porch, blinded by the sunlight, I'm in a haze.

Just do it, fix it. It'll all be ok.

Lies! Lies! Lies! They're gonna hate you so bad, they'll kill you in your sleep.

Couldn't be much worse than any other death I could face...

I felt incredibly insecure as I walked, even the familiar crunch of wet gravel under my ever-present hiking boots didn't ease the nerves, I walked slowly, but I also didn't want to be the last to arrive at the plot.

They've already buried them, so we don't have to look at the bloodstained bedsheets wrapped around their bodies like mummies.

I see Andrea, her face buried into Shane's chest while his lips are moving quickly, but I can't catch any of the words.

I also see Lori, hearding the children through the tent towards the back of the shed. Carl and Sophia walk together, and the other kids just groan and stumble forth, appearing a lot like minature walkers.

I bit my nails as I walked, which was a nervous habit that Mike has, he'd had it years before I'd known him, and I'd never done it before, yet... Here I am.

My brain throw itself into anxious overdrive, panic clouding any coherent thoughts, I try to force out some good explanation for what happened this morning, before dawn broke and Alex, Ellice and Dale were killed.

I come up with nothing, my feet continue to lead me forward, to what no one beside myself and Daryl know as, my trial.

Most everyone stood over the three consecutive mounds of freshly laid dirt, Andrea stood a few feet back from the first one, her expression acrimonious.

I stood behind T-Dog, I had no idea that funerals could still be run so... mourningly. This group struck me as one to bury their dead, say a prayer, goodbye and move forward.

Because that's what your deceased loved ones would want. Right?...

Rick stood before the group, but not at the head. Hershel stood there, Beth on his left side, Maggie on his right, with Glenn on her right, everyone looked down as Hershel spoke, holding open his Bible, balanced in his left palm while he made gestures with his right.

He read a few passages and then offered for some group members to come fourth and speak.

Andrea went first.

She moved slowly, forward to stand beside Hershel. She wore white blouse, guess she knew Dale well enough to know he wouldn't want anyone wearing black for him.

Her eyes were slow, nervous. She appeared very fragile, on the tip of exploding into a river of sorrow and dispair.

"Dale." She sighed simply, looking around the group, she takes in a deep breath.

"I didn't know him my whole life, yet... He was one of my best friends. To me and Amy both." She forced a smile.

"We met him while we were on a drive, I was coming home from collage, Amy was going to, we always had our little bonding drive before semesters started, well it started snowing, and the reports started coming in, and then nothing.... Our car ran out of gas, we were pretty close to Atlanta, so we decided to finish walking it, that's when Dale drove by in his RV, offering us a ride." She sighed again.

"He was one of my best friends, always watching out for me. He was like a father, though we had our fallouts, we were like family." She inhales a sharp breath, the kind you do when you are trying to prevent breaking down.She tilted her head back to look up at the slightly overcast sky with glassy blue eyes.

"Dale." She says roughly, her voice hazy and lost "You'll always be in our hearts, we'll always move forward. I will-" She pauses and raises her hand, wiping across her cheek with her wrist, she decides not to continue and turns and walks away, towards the camp.

Hesitant faces move about the small gathering, I look across the circle and see Jacob. He was pretty good friends with Ellice, and her brother Liam was there as well. With their mother Meg, she tried not to cry, but it's pretty damn hard not to when you are looking down at a filled burial plot.

I was getting choked up too, but I felt stupid for feeling that way. I sharply reminded myself why it all happened to begin with. If I'd told the truth, Alex, Ellice and Dale would all still be alive, living, breathing and laughing.

Next Glenn shifts forward, hands shoved deep into his pockets, he stands straight.

"I knew Dale... Alright, borrowed some books from him, asked for advice about the ladies," He grinned as Maggie, but it faded as quickly as it'd occured.

"He taught me a few things. A lot of things actually, like how to fix a radiator how on an RV."

There were a few quiet laughs spread around the group.

"But the most important thing he taught me, and I think all of us, is to stick together, don't drift apart, it doesn't make things any better. So Dale... I'm going to miss you."

Glenn stepped back and Jacob comes forward. I notice Myriah standing with Mike a few rows behind them, I recall that Alex was actually one of Mike's best friends.

"So... Not entirely sure what to say, I didn't talk to any of these fallen people much, Alex, I think he helped me with dishes once, Dale, I talked weaponary with him for a bit, something I'll probably always cherish. And Ellice, I used to spent countless hours with her and her brother, just arguing about random stuff. Wish I could still do it now, but not everything's forever, so yeah... I'm definately going to miss these guys."

I find myself looking at Jacob, trying to summon the same inner strength for myself that he seemed to carry about. Problem was, that that kind of strength is probably one of a kind, and I'll never be as capable of it as everyone else seems to be.

Jackson also spoke for them all, Rick too. Daryl on the behalf of Dale, though I didn't think they got along right. The only thing Daryl said when he stepped up though, was haunting.

"The last thing I said to him was that this group is broken. He didn't agree with me at first, but y'know what? I think he does now."

Shane stood as well, he had a smartass gait about the way he walked, so confidentally towards the front, right above Dale's grave.

He shoved his hands into his front jeans pockets and looked across the group.

"Dale... Where do I start? You people all sayin' the good things about that man. What bout' the bad? He put a gun to my chest one time, man was crazy, but good all the same. Maybe we can finally move up this group, maybe he was what was holding us back? Hell I don't know, I just know that we have the ability to-"

I listened to Shane speak, getting angry of how he was speaking of Dale, as though he was the filthiest grim you could find, I glared at him until he looked at me and rose his eyebrows "Something wrong, Aries?"

"Is this a mourning talk or an advertisment pitch? You don't sound like you respected Dale at all."

He shrugs, almost appearing to britsle out, "Well maybe I didn't, but hell, you just never know."

We look at each other in impending angry silence until he throws his hands up excitedly, "Hey everyone, I've got a game to honor our falln members, we'll go around the group, and you're each going to admit your biggest regret, should help them sleep well tonight,"

"Shane, this isn't helping." Rick interveined, putting a hand on his chest to stop his pacing.

"Then tell me what will, Rick! I feel like the truth should be known."

"Just because the world has ended does not mean that everyone has to be an open book, especially not to you, Shane." Rick says.

"I'm just curious to see what kind of people we got here." His booming laugh sounds like thunder and makes me jump.

"I choose Aries to go first." He says, walking away from Rick, slowing his walk to creep across the graves disrespectfully, getting closer to me and never breaking eye contact.

"I want to know what you're scared of." He smiles slightly, then it shifts into a grimace "I used to be a Sheriffs Deputy, Kings County, Atlanta, Georgia. I was trained to see the flaws, Aries. The flaws everyone else overlooked..." His eyes narrow and he grins, because he knows just where to kick to get me to hurt.

"You, Aries Collins, are prehaps one of the biggest criminals I've ever seen. Your idea of lying about them? It was brilliant, I'll give you that. But what did you save yourself? One day? Hardly even that and you led them all back here."

I continue to glare at him, don't be weak, give nothing away.

"What the hell is this about?" Rick demands.

"Aries knows why we were invaded!" Shane shouts, laughing and turning to grn wildly at Rick.

"I can't believe that you missed it, Rick. The little pieces to her horror walker story were too mismatched to work even remotely well, and now, we've lost men, and women, and it's time for her to explain."

Now I felt all eyes on me, everyone, even my parents. Shane had sold them enough to crave the truth that only I possess.

Shane closes that last three feet between us and kneels in front of me on eye level.

"So tell me, Aries. What are you afriad of?"

I clentch my jaw, flexing it.

"Aries, will you at least clear the air for us, tell us if there is more to what Shane is saying or not and you can go." Rick assures.

I don't want to, but I need to, for the sake of the families, the friends, for myself. For my closure.

I swallow hard. The truth, only the truth. Everything else you say will be used against you in every possible way.

Here goes...

"Yes." I hardly whisper.

"Yes, what?" Shane prods for the information he needs to prove his point.

"Yes, I had something to do with it." I force it all out.

"So will you answer the question then?" Shane demands.

"What I'm afraid of?..." I ask lowly "Lots of things, everyone is. Some people are scared of spiders, bats and skeletons. Others are afriad of losing their phone charger or their boyfriends breaking up with them. Some people are even scared of getting bad grades on a test. But you're not worried about those people. You want me to exploit my fears, things I'm scared of. It's not much, the list grows shorter and longer each day, because fear is not avoidable, in fact it is apart of us, you just can let it become you." I pause.

"I am scared of being surrounded by walkers, I am afriad of dark places where I am alone, I am afraid of what happens after death, but not nessicarily scared of death itself. Most of all, I am afriad of being alone, losing everyone I love. But I will eventually face this fear, everyone dies, as yuo observed today because of me. I will one day be alone, or with luck my family outlives me and I don't have to face it, but then I am leaving my family with the burden. So I find it best to trudge through whatever I can."

"I am so very sorry. For lying to you. These men... located me, I was so certian, in ever way I could be that they were dead. I lied to you about me killing them because I didn't want you to be scared that I'd kill you because I was a brute or whatever, I did everything I could think of to defend this camp, and it was not enough. And for the loss of these lives, I am prepared to leave this camp and all of you behind, and as much safety as I can gurantee, I will do it, if it's what you want."

"You don't have to leave." Rick assures.

"I don't know, I kinda like this idea." Shane says with a smug grin.

I tighten my hands into fists.

"I swore to God they were dead, I... Became something else when I did it, was it my overprotective spirit? Or was it just me? I regretted it, slightly. Afterwards... But I still felt it was best, and in everyone's best interest that I didn't tell you that I'd brutally murdered two men."

I sigh "There's nothing that I take back, nothing I can. I take the full responsibilty of their deaths, I will accept the guilt, for I have earned it. I will wear it as though it's a curse, and a blessing. A blessing for having known these people."

I look at the faces, unreadible expressions bleeding into the next.

"It was an accident, but I will not excuse it as such, I know what it is." I stop, realizing there is nothing left that I want to say.

"That is all." I conclud, nodding slightly, and turning away, pulling out my knife from my boot and stabbing it into the power pole, I walk away, towards the house, to change out of these dreadful funeral clothes.