If You Gotta Go

“Al?” Jack asked. His voice was hushed, almost quieter than a whisper. He couldn’t find it in himself to speak any louder. He couldn’t even bring himself to actually open his eyes before speaking.

Somehow, someway, Alex was able to catch it nonetheless. Honestly, Jack wouldn’t be that surprised if his boyfriend was expecting him to speak up. It’s not like it was a nightly occurrence or anything, it was just that... well, it wasn’t too rare, either.

Alex sat up a bit and leaned closer, letting his left hand reach up to card through hair that was in desperate need of a dye job. “What is it, beautiful?” he cooed back, just as quietly as the younger boy had been. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to get you something?”

“No, I’m fine,” Jack assured. The hand that had been running through his hair moved down the side of his head until it came to a stop, cupping his cheek carefully. A calloused thumb swept gingerly over the bone before Alex was speaking again.

“There’s gotta be something. You didn’t look or sound like you were having a nightmare. I know you didn’t think I’d left because I already told you that under no uncertain terms would I be leaving here without you by my side... Do you need me to get you a nurse? It’s late and they haven’t been walking by often, but I’m sure I can flag one down without causing too much of a scene,” Alex assured. His tone held a hint of joking, but Jack knew that that wasn’t the case at all. He’d no doubt at all in his mind that Alex would cause a scene just to get a nurse to him as fast as possible. He just... he sounded so damn tired, and that was what had Jack opening his eyes.

Alex’s hand was still laid against his face, touching him so very gently, like he feared the consequence of what would happen if his touch became any rougher than was absolutely necessary.

A smile split his lips, barely at all but enough for gleams of white to peek from behind. Jack wasn’t stupid; he knew that smile hadn’t been there until his eyelashes had started to flutter open. It had been so long since he’d seen a real smile from his boyfriend that he almost couldn’t quite remember the twinkle of the eye, the dimples, and the deep chuckle that never failed to accompany it.

His golden hair was unkempt and messy, making it seem like he hadn’t showered in months. In his defense, it’d only been a week since his last shower. He just didn’t have the time to groom himself like he used to.

His eyes were what gave him away the most. He looked like he hadn’t (and to be fair, he honestly hadn’t) slept in weeks. The irises that once resembled burnt caramel and melted chocolate mixed together now just seemed black. The bags surrounding his tired eyes were heavy and dark, purples and pinks smeared under his eyes so badly that they looked how Jack would imagine a hooker’s eyelids to look. He didn’t truly show any signs that he was there anymore, not mentally.

The thing was, he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t leave the room for more than a handful of minutes at a time, and he couldn’t let himself doze off. What if Jack needed him? What if they finally found a heart donor in time and Jack needed comforting? If he fell asleep or left, there’s no way he’d be back (physically or mentally) by the time he needed to be. It was just something he wasn’t at all willing to risk.

Jack sighed but reached a frail arm out in search of Alex’s other hand. When the elder noticed, their fingers were immediately slot together and laid down to rest on Jack’s lower abdomen.

“I’m really tired, but I can’t sleep. Do you think you could sing a lullaby for me? It’s been a while since you last sang for me. Please?”

There was no time at all for a pout to tug at the corners of his mouth before Alex was nodding and bending forward to press a kiss to the younger’s temple.

“Of course, beautiful,” he assured, his lips still brushing pale skin. “Any requests? Whatever you want, just say the words.”

“Even if you don’t know it?”

“Especially if I don’t know it. Come on, whatcha got for me?” Alex pushed. When he leaned away so that they could see each other again, the smile almost seemed real. Much realer than it had before, at least.

After a few moments of silent thought, the only answer Jack could give was a weak shrug. “Doesn’t matter. Something you haven’t sung for me yet, I guess. Whatever works for you works for me, too.”

Alex gave a hum and deliberated his options for no more than a single minute before he’d made a decision. “This song was being played a lot on the radio before... before we got here... and I don’t really know all the words, so don’t laugh at me if I say something that sounds stupid, okay?”

Jack nodded and let his eyes slip closed. He was finally ready for sleep to take him. With a deep breath, Alex was sitting up and beginning his song.

“If you gotta go, I promise I’ll understand. And if you gotta be somewhere, I’ll let go of your hand. And if you gotta get away, I promise I won’t find you. And if you wanna leave me, that’s your choice and I won’t chase you.”

The heart monitor beside Jack’s hospital bed was slowing both gradually and quickly. It wasn’t a problem; it never was. Jack’s heart beat too fast when he was awake and too slow when he was asleep, but it never actually stopped beating. As long as there were still annoying beeps, no matter how far apart from each other, Alex knew that everything was okay.

He hummed a bit to the rhythm he hadn’t heard in a while, trying to recall as much of the lyrics as possible and failing miserably.

Jack’s heartbeat finally seemed to come to an even pace before he found the words again. Or, at least, half of them.

“I’ve been so lonely lately, but you’re right here next to me... but if you wanna leave me, that’s your choice and I won’t chase you.”

Alex didn’t know why he was still singing, what with Jack already being asleep. He was just embarrassing himself, really. Everyone in the hospital probably knew all the words by that point, but they hadn’t refused to leave their rooms unless their lover could as well. He and Jack were special exceptions.

He only stopped after humming along to the rest of the song that played idly in the back of his mind. Everything was okay for the night. Jack’s heart was still doing its best, and it would only be a matter of time until someone was able to donate. They had to, didn’t they? They had to. They had to. They—

One off-beat beep was all it took for Alex to sit up straight in his chair. The hand tangled loosely with Jack’s tightened its grip as he sat and stared at the little numbers on the top of the screen. They were dipping, much quicker and lower than they ever had before, and Alex was truly at a loss of what to do.

Shouldn’t there be nurses rushing in? Should he hit some of the buttons that adorned Jack’s bed? Should he track one down himself? What if they didn’t make it in time?

The ice that filled his veins hurt as he tried to decide what to do. They hadn’t told him about what to do in this situation... was it a test? What was he supposed to do? He and Jack hadn’t even discussed the possibility; they were supposed to already be home, damn it. He was supposed to be kissing scars and telling his boyfriend that he was still beautiful. He was supposed to be filling an entirely new heart with his love. He was supposed to be—

“Al...” it was strained and far too weak, weaker than the elder had ever heard it, but he still leaned as close as possible to hear whatever it was that Jack needed to say. Only, nothing more came out.

“Beautiful... hey, come on, you’re okay. Talk to me, alright? Just keep talking to me and I promise someone will be in here to help you soon. I won’t leave you, baby, I won’t, but I need you to keep talking,” Alex rushed out. His heart was hammering too hard in his chest. Funny how Jack’s refused to do anything but the opposite.

“Let me go, Al,” Jack finally managed to gasp. He was taking in large gulps of air, as though that would prolong the outcome just until he finished what he needed to say. “I’m sorry I... should’ve told you. Don’t let them... resuscitate me. Promise me. Please... please, don’t. I love you.”

There were too many thoughts and too many sounds and too many emotions and too many toomany toomany—

Alex pushed himself forward just enough to connect their lips in a final, parting kiss. Jack tried to reciprocate the action, he really did, but he couldn’t do it. Everything was fading out. He couldn’t even bring himself to actually open his eyes.

The last thing he ever felt was Alex’s lips as they pressed against his own, not even bothering with being gentle. The last thing he heard was a hushed, “I love you so, so damn much, beautiful. I promise,” above the sound of the heart monitor buzzing much louder than it ever had before.

The hand grasped in Alex’s own went completely limp as the machine beside the bed finally flat lined. Alex watched that last little hill crawl its way across the screen; watched Jack’s heart finally give into all of the pressure it had ever been put under.

Alex felt... numb. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel, but he couldn’t even hold a coherent thought for more than a few moments. Admittedly, he’d never felt so empty. Not after break-ups, not after his dog died in the sixth grade, not after being told every single one of his dreams was pointless.

When a nurse had finally rushed through the door, in a panic and out of breath, a full minute had passed. There was still a sliver of hope, she’d rushed out as she tried to push Alex away in order to begin performing the appropriate emergency procedure, but he’d made a promise.

“He said he didn’t want to be resuscitated,” he told the nurse, not looking away from his boyfriend’s peaceful face or letting go of the limp hand. She could pull all she wanted—he wasn’t leaving. “I won’t rat you out if you just... just turn off the machine and leave. I really need a few minutes to myself.”

He didn’t notice if she said anything in response. He didn’t care about anything she had to say. What he did care about was the sound of the door clicking shut as she left.

“You were so beautiful, y’know.”

The words startled him for a moment before he realized that they’d come from his own mouth. Then, he just let them flow of their own, free will.

“You were always so beautiful. You were always smiling, and laughing, and joking. Your smile could’ve powered this entire city. You were so accepting and caring of everyone, no questions asked, and no one hated you. No one so much as disliked you. I thought that was impossible before we met, but... you changed a lot of things for me, huh?

“I remember when we pulled up here. Who would’ve thought it’d be for the last time? We were supposed to ask May to be a surrogate, and she would’ve given birth here had she said yes. Do you remember that? You thought it’d be too weird, asking my one-day-sister-in-law if I could artificially impregnate her so that me and her little brother could start a family, but I knew that if she wasn’t the surrogate, our child wouldn’t be like you at all.

“They wouldn’t have the big eyes or the wide smile... they wouldn’t have the thick, dark hair and they wouldn’t... they wouldn’t see the good in everything and everyone... fuck.

“You’re not supposed to go yet. You’re supposed to be here with me. We had our lives planned out, Jack. We were going to start looking for an actual house when the fall came around. One with a picket fence, and when our kids got old enough, they’d paint it in whatever way they wanted to. You... you were going to teach them everything that I couldn’t about eternal happiness.

“I can’t do this without you. My entire life revolved around us and what we were going to do together. We were a fucking team, Jack. We were in this together and you didn’t even… Why didn’t you tell me that you were…”

Alex stopped to take a shaky breath. It wasn’t the time to get angry over something that he couldn’t change, and he only had a few minutes at most left before the nurse came back in to kick him out. He had to make every last second count, just like he and Jack always did.

With another deep breath to orient himself a little better, Alex was reaching out to card his hand through unruly hair before starting once again.

“Remember when we used to lay together? Just the two of us in the dark, nothing to interrupt us. You’d always put your ear over my heart, and you’d tell me how crazy it was—how other peoples’ hearts could beat so quickly and strongly, and I’d pull you up and kiss you and tell you that mine only beat for you.

“I used to think that you weren’t as interested in me as I was in you since I never felt your heartbeat start thumping out of control when we’d hug or anything. You drove me crazy. You showed me love and then multiplied it. Then you told me about all… all this, and it made sense.

“I started being so gentle and careful about the things I said and where I touched, and you hated it. You never said so, but I know you did. I just wanted you to be okay, y’know? You meant—you mean so much to me. You always will.”

He paused again to just look. Jack’s skin was still fairly warm, and it seemed like he was only sleeping. Alex would give anything for that to be the truth.

“I’m gonna miss you. Every single day, I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your scent. I’m gonna miss talking about our future together, and I’m gonna miss all the dates. We’re gonna see each other again one day, though. Every second we’re apart is just another day I’m going to have to use to make up for lost time. It’ll be good then, won’t it? We’ll be able to touch without having a single care for the consequences. I’ll be able to make you feel things you weren’t able to before.”

Yet again, a pause was put into the one-sided conversation. Alex bit at his lip as he caressed Jack’s stubble-covered cheek. He just needed this, needed to remember everything about his lover—even if he was lying lifeless in a hospital bed, covered in wires and filled with needles.

“I’m not actually mad at you. I want to be, but I understand why you didn’t want to be brought back. You were in so much pain, and it could’ve been another couple of months that we would be cooped up in here, waiting to find out if someone had been able to donate a heart for you. I saw how much it all hurt you. Whenever you thought I wasn’t looking, you weren’t afraid to let it show. I wish you would’ve told me. I know you didn’t want me to worry any more than I already was, but maybe if you’d talked to me about it, you wouldn’t have put any extra stress on yourself to keep it a secret.”

Alex stood from the chair he was occupying and leaned forward over his partner. Tender fingers swept dark hair away from the younger man’s forehead before he leaned over to press a kiss to the exposed skin.

“I’m glad I was here to make this all a little easier on you. You were just too good for this world. Make sure to keep smiling for me wherever you are now, beautiful. I love you.”

His and Jack’s things were gathered before he sent a final glance to his boyfriend. He had a lot of things to take care of, starting with the incompetent nurse. Someone had to tell her the time of death.

--- ---

It took Alex weeks to return to normal. Or, at least, as normal as he could. There were somethings that he couldn’t just bring himself to do. He couldn’t get rid of any of Jack’s things, he couldn’t wash the sheets (since Jack’s side still smelled like Jack), and he couldn’t sleep at night without Ballyhoo!’s “If You Gotta Go” playing through his iPod’s speakers.

Call him crazy, but if the song was playing, it almost felt like Jack was still there, curled under his arm and pressed against his chest. Sometimes it felt so real, with the smell consuming his senses, that he would talk to Jack. Sometimes, if he was tired enough, he’d hear Jack talk back.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” he started late one night, stifling a yawn in the crook of his arm, “and I think I still wanna ask May to be my surrogate.” Alex was laying on his side of the bed, on his side and facing Jack’s, his right arm under Jack’s pillow and his left resting on top of the comforter. It was all still Jack’s; it would always be Jack’s.

He was almost certain he’d finally lost his mind for good when he felt the covers shift under him.

“Yeah?” he could almost hear, in that soft voice Jack always spoke in whenever they were in a dark place.

Alex hummed. “I don’t feel like I have much of anything to live for anymore,” he explained. “If I had something to take care of, something that would always remind me of you no matter what, it’d give me another sense of purpose. If she says yes, I’m thinking that, if it’s a boy, I’ll name him Jack after his dad. Jack Bassam II. I hope she says yes; I hope it’s a boy. Maybe Jackie May if it’s a girl. What do you think?”

“I think it’s a lot of responsibility for one person, but… but I also think that, if it’s really want you want, you should ask her. I wish I could be there with you.” Jack’s voice was fading out, and Alex wasn’t sure if it was because he was drifting off to sleep or not.

“You are still here,” he assured as he moved along the bed, just enough so that he could bury his face in his lover’s pillow. “You’re still here, and you’ll be our baby’s guardian angel.” His words were muffled into the old cotton.

He wasn’t sure if Jack had been there. He wasn’t sure if Jack had heard him. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things anymore, but he was positive about what he’d said: Jack was still with him (on some level, at least) and he’d always make sure that nothing bad happened to him or their future child.

Jack was too good for this world, and Alex knew that he’d never stop caring.