Charlie's Road

Charlie hated the road her life was going down. Well, she hated how everything seemed to be spinning out of her control. She wasn’t exactly sure what it was that had turned her life upside down, or maybe she just didn’t like to sit and think about it too hard. Nothing could ruin her day like the revelation that her shitty life was probably her fault. And heaven forbid that she might have to make some changes, cut some things out of her life.

She probably knew, deep inside, that the thing she loved most was also the thing that was killing her. Who knew that getting high could get her so… down? Being broke (again) felt so good for the first few hours. Until then it didn’t. She would love herself—and everyone. And then she would hate herself. But only if she thought too much.

So usually, she just didn’t.

That’s when she found herself in such a strange predicament. Well, maybe she didn’t think it was necessarily strange. Probably because she wasn’t thinking much of anything at the moment. If she had been thinking about it, perhaps she would have described it as uncomfortable or unrequired, awkward even. Because when she pulled herself out of her daze and focused her blurry eyes up, up, up, she found someone standing above her. It was a man, much older than she was, or just a little bit older. Was his hair graying or was that the hall light framing his head? How many of those wrinkles were actually there? Wait a second… was he actually there?

Charlie blinked. He was still there. The light behind him made her squint. And it also shadowed his face. His lips were moving. That realization pulled her from her trance. Slowly, as if she was pulling herself out of the deep end of a pool, her ears cleared. The same whooshing sound flowed into and then out of her mind as when she emerged from water. She flinched. His voice sounded so loud to her.

And then it was a comforting tenor. She thought maybe she smiled, but it had been a while since she had done so, and she didn’t know if her mouth remembered how to form that particular expression, or really any expression at all anymore. Finally, smooth tones and inarticulate timbre transformed into words. Slightly confused, Charlie concentrated in order to turn the words into sentences and then to make sense of the thoughts.

“…you doing out here? Are you supposed to be in with the party?”

Party? There was a party nearby? Charlie hadn’t been invited to a party, but she figured that she could sneak in. She’d skip right through the main rooms and find a bathroom in the back. Or maybe a bedroom since she realized she didn’t have any money at the moment. If she could find a pill early, the bedroom might not be a bad idea, anyway.

Plan in mind, Charlie placed her arms against the wall behind her to aid in her standing up. She looked back up and froze.

Who was this guy again? He was tall, or at least seemed that way from her seated position. He was wearing a long tan coat. It was a trench coat. Was he trying to trick her? Maybe she should find out more about this party from him. That would help her determine if he was trying to trick her.

Charlie opened her mouth to ask where the party was but suddenly couldn’t figure out how to phrase the question. Or even speak. She shook it off. She had realized recently that talking was becoming more difficult for her. As well as sleeping even when she was exhausted. When her stomach growled, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten. But these were the things she hated in her life, so they were also the things she refrained from pondering.

No matter, she would find the party, and put this morning out of her mind. That was always the easy part.

The man was still standing before her. Right in front of her. In her way, in fact. And now he was staring at her expectantly. Maybe she could scoot around him before she got frustrated.

“You look like shit.”

Well, that was rude. Probably true, but still rude to say. Nobody asked him. In fact, nobody asked him to bother her in the first place, even if he had informed her of a party. Still, Charlie attempted to rub off the smudged eyeliner that was caked beneath her eyes. She ran boney fingers through her tangled, unwashed hair a few times then gave up. It didn’t matter anyway.

“What are you doing with your life?” He shifted his weight, and his coat opened. He had on a black, buttoned shirt with something shiny over his left chest pocket. If Charlie looked down, she would have seen a bulge at his side beneath his coat.

“What do you care?” She was suddenly hostile, but only in tone. She didn’t have the energy for much else. “I’m not doing anything illegal.” Well, not at the moment anyway.

He crouched down, folding his hands patiently and resting his elbows on his knees.

“You’re better than this.”

Suddenly, Charlie felt very small. It made her dizzy. It was like she was looking at the same man 10 years younger and through a dusty, grayscale lens.

“You don’t have to go down this road.”

The words sounded so familiar. And she realized that she had done this before, about a decade ago. She shook her head.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine. I like my life.” But that was only half true. Charlie made herself stop thinking. She wanted the easy road.

“Charlie…” He had kind eyes. Brown and safe. She knew those eyes, though she hadn’t seen them in so many years.

No. He was trying to make things sad. His road was a sad road. She’d also known that path a decade ago.

“Where did you say that party was, again?”

“Not that kind of party, Charlie. I was talking about Sam’s going away party. Do you remember Sam?”

No.

“Yes.”

He sighed. Charlie’s stomach growled again.

“Come on, let me buy you some lunch.”

Charlie considered this. He was offering free food. But despite her stomach’s protests, she couldn’t conjure up an appetite.

“I’m not hungry.”

“How about we at least get you off of the ground and out of the hallway? Do you live in one of these apartments?”

Charlie surveyed her surroundings. The walls were beige. There was a numbered door on her right and one further down on the left. She recognized nothing.

“I don’t know.” Nor did she know how she got there. Nor did she want to think about it. It was starting to make her sad. Charlie hated feeling sad. The man looked sad too.

“Please, let me help you.”

“Why?” It was a strange concept to her. Why would he want to help her? He hadn’t known her in years. The only help she could recall was out of her clothes or into an addiction. And he wasn’t going to assist her with either of those things. She wasn’t even sure she needed help with anything other than that. Maybe he could make the spinning stop.

“Because I want you to be happy.”

Charlie wanted to be happy, too. But he’d gotten her thinking, and now she wasn’t sure how to be happy. Everything seemed backwards now. He was offering happiness. But it was a different sort of happiness than Charlie had gotten used to. Could she trust a new happiness? Charlie didn’t want to change. But she also hated her life. Did she have to decide immediately which she disliked more? Maybe she could take it one step at a time. Besides. If she wanted to go back to the way things were now, she could always leave again.

Tentatively, she reached out and grasped one of her old friend’s hands. It was cool against her heated skin. For once she felt in control of something. And other than that, she tried not to think too much.