Renegade

Rage has blinded me before leaving me unsure of what I was doing and feeling completely out of control. But this time felt different. The rage was just the fuel to the fire that I needed and it was satisfying knocking Gabe around. In my eyes, a sore face doesn't even come close to the hell I went through because of him, but it was going to have to suffice. There is no way they'll let me come anywhere near him anytime soon. A couple of punches didn't send the message I wanted, but it left him scared of me.

I'm done with him. I'm done with the rebellion. I'm done being expendable. I'm done with it all.

Withholding the information about Lia caused all of this. Who knows what else he's hiding from everyone. I can't work for someone who doesn't believe in his own people or feels like we're just a disturbance to him. I can't be apart of this organization when it doesn't even feel like we're fighting for a purpose anymore. Abandoning members was not what I was taught through my training process. Fierce always told me that even if I go down with them, leaving someone for dead wasn't an option.

I seem to be the only one fuming mad. I'm sure once Hunter separates from Quela's lips for more than five minutes, he might be equally as mad, but for right now I'm flying solo. I take notice of Fierce glancing in my direction, not being conspicuous at all. He finally works up the nerve to approach me and I fight him off. I'm not in any condition to hold an actual conversation since I'm not sure what will fly out of my mouth.

I step outside to breathe in some fresh air, something I've missed more than I thought I would. The sun is blinding and warm on my skin, but I allow it to sink into my extremely pale skin. A slight breeze sends my matted hair across my face tickling the exposed skin on my arm. I close my eyes and try to calm myself down.

The hospital door opens and I feel a gentle hand touch my shoulder. I jump out of my skin as I whip my body around and almost tackle Mae to the ground. She shrieks stepping away from me. I pull back apologizing for scaring her and she says the same. She grabs onto my arm and tries to examine it to see if I need medical attention, but I force it out of her grip. She looks over her shoulder and a male nurse walks outside. I start to back away before I break off into a sprint. After running through the woods all night and everything that's happened, my body is too exhausted to make it far enough to get away. He catches me quickly and drags me kicking and screaming into the building.

I know it appears like I'm insane and it might be because I am, but I don't care. Every pair of eyes in that facility fall on me as I make the biggest scene as I'm forced into the examine room in the corner of the hall. The nurse places me on the examination table and wipes a bead of sweat from his brow. He holds me down as Mae walks in, closing the door behind her. She sighs as she watches me continue to fight the nurse. She does an about face and closes the blinds as well, even though everyone knows I'm in here. I catch a glimpse of Quela and Fierce in the waiting room as he holds his head in his hands and she rubs his back. Mae turns back to me with a stern look in her eye.

"I know it sucks, but it's protocol. I need to make sure nothing is broken and everything is still in tact. You've put this off long enough. I know you were bleeding at one point," she points to my bicep, "and your arm is horrendous." She tilts her head toward the nurse. "He's my assistant today, but he's very professional. If you could please remove your shirt, I need to listen to those powerful lungs and heart." I follow her orders seeing as how she seems tired of my bullshit.

Her eyes widen as she notices the bruises and scratches all along my torso. She clears her throat stepping toward me. She drags her freezing stethoscope across the front of my chest, listening attentively. I take a few deep breaths for her and she looks disappointed. She wraps her stethoscope around her neck and shines a light into my eye. I go to move away, but the nurse holds me still. She jams something in my ear and leans in closely studying the insides then repeats with the other side. She wraps a blood pressure cuff around my bicep and pumps it until it's way too tight for comfort. I feel my heart beat within my arm before the pressure is released giving me slight relief. She steps back and studies the scar where my stitches were.

"They opened after the accident." I sigh tiredly. "She fixed them so I wouldn't bleed out." Mae scrunches her face in disbelief.

"That's kind of her." I shake my head.

"If I died, she wouldn't have a new toy to play with." The nurse gives me a sympathetic look as Mae thinks of something to change the subject.

"You need to quit smoking." She reprimands as she looks at my bicep. "Your lungs sound worse than I remember." Her eyebrows raise. "I guess it wasn't as bad as I suspected. There was just a lot of blood on your shirt."

"It wasn't the first time I was injured in that shirt. It accumulated over time." Mae gives me a sad look and I roll my eyes. "Just wrap my arm."

She looks down and begins to work on it. The burns look better than they have, but still don't look great. I've had worse burns than this. I tried to take care of it the best I could, but I didn't have the resources to heal it. The room is quiet as she cleans, disinfects, and lathers my arm in a soothing cream. She wraps my arm tightly and finishes up her examination. She excuses the nurse as I slide my shirt back on. She sits opposite me leaning her elbows on her thighs and clasping her hands together.

"Are you --"

"Don't." I bark.

"Phoe." She says barely audible.

"Don't pretend like HE didn't ask you to check on me." I hope off the table and head for the door. I get it slightly open, but she slams it shut.

"He didn't." She snaps. "I'm asking because I'm a worried and concerned friend. Remember, you still have those. You won't for long with this attitude you've been fronting."

"What friends do I have?" I hiss through my teeth.

"The ones who busted their asses to get you here and are out there waiting to hear if you're okay or not."

"Really? They stabbed me in the back. They're also the ones who abandoned me for a month with a deranged lunatic whose hobbies include long walks on the beach and torturing innocent people who did absolutely nothing to her. I trusted them with my life and they showed me that they didn't really care."

"You honestly think they sat around and did nothing? You know damn well that my brother searched day and night for anything he could. You know he would do anything for you." I fold my arms across my chest. "He adores the ground you walk on and you accuse him of abandoning you because he didn't swoop in and get you out of that hell hole?" I shake my head at her. "Maybe that didn't go according to plan for you, but you're a strong person and you don't need someone saving you. You proved that." I continue to shake my head. "You got out alive and you got all those people out, as well."

"No, you don't understand."

"Then help me understand. Let me help you." She steps towards me, reaching for me. I viciously move away almost like a reflex.

"NO!"

We exchange a look in a painful silence. She appears hurt by my actions and reaches for the door behind her. She quickly escapes and slams the door, trapping me inside the room. I bang on the door and attempt to open it, but she's holding it shut. I kick, pound, and scream at the door, but she refuses to open it. My screams soon turn to sobs as the pounding and kicking die down and I slide to the floor.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I hear a voice yelling from the hallway. "She just spent a month trapped in a room. Do you have any idea what you're doing to her right now?"

I run my nails through my hair feeling my hands shake. I bring my knees up to meet my chest as my breathing rapidly increases. The door opens slowly, but I'm too focused on my panic attack to acknowledge who walked in. I feel a gentle hand lightly grab onto my arm. I inadvertently swing my fist toward the figure, and thankfully miss as my eyes fall on Logan. He situates himself on the floor with me sliding his hand down my arm to meet my hand.

"Hey, hey." He pulls me out of the trance I'm in. "You're not there anymore." He says in a soothing tone. "You're safe, okay? I'm here." He urges me to take a deep breath with him and we exhale together. "I know you're a little pissed at me, but I can help you get through this if you let me. It doesn't have to be right now. It's when you're ready." I nod feeling myself calm down. He moves some hair out of my face and can tell I'm aware of my surroundings now. "How about I take you home?" He helps me off the floor and we walk out of the room together.

***

It's weird to be back in his house. I almost forgot what it looked like. Logan had to try to keep Kyra calm as she was prepared to tackle me to the ground from how excited she was to see me.

It feels surreal to be here. I glide my hand over everything making sure I'm not dreaming this. Logan watches me attentively from the kitchen. I can tell he wants to say something, but doesn't want to disturb me. He shifts slightly making the floor beneath his feet creek. I glance over at him as he makes an apologetic face toward me. My lips rise quickly with a small chuckle behind it and fall back to their original position.

I work my way around the entire house as if I'm seeing it for the first time. I would have dreams about this place and it's exactly how I remembered it with maybe a few things I didn't. I peer into the bedroom and stare at the bed. Covers remain untouched and tucked in neatly on one side while the other side shows signs of being slept in from the previous night.

I walk in and over to the dresser. I open my drawers and see nothing was moved or touched. He left everything of mine alone. I grab clothes to change into and head toward the bathroom. My body is exhausted and aching, but I need to shower everything away.

I test the water a few times, hoping to set it at a temperature which won't be as painful for the marks along my body. I slowly step in realizing it's maybe too hot. The water burns into my cuts and makes me wince away quickly. I stare up at the shower head unsure of how to go about this process. I turn the knob away from hot a little hoping this will solve the problem, but to no avail. No matter the temperature, it's going to hurt. I sigh preparing for the worst shower experience of my life.

I can't lie when I say that it's atrocious, but it does feel good to wash my hair and get all that dirt and dried blood off of me. The colour of the water flushing down the drain was disturbing to say the least. No matter how many times I scrubbed my body, the water still appeared dirty.

I take my time drying off as to not irritate any of the markings along my skin since they were made tender by the shower. I wrap my towel around my body and have a seat on the cushioned chest next to the bathtub.

I hear a loud banging coming from somewhere in the house. My ears perk up when I hear the front door open and someone shouting obscenities. I rise from the chest and press my ear to the bathroom door.

"Where is she?" It sounds like Gabe and he's pissed as usual.

"Brestion, she's had a rough day. Can you just hold off for awhile?"

"Where the fuck is she, Fierce?"

"In the bathroom, showering." He states. "What's the problem?" He sounds tired, but willing to defuse whatever Gabe's issue is. I hear footsteps approaching and I back away from the door. "What are you doing?" Logan shouts. The bathroom door swings open and Gabe walks in fuming mad. Logan runs up behind him shoving him out of the bathroom. "Have some respect." Logan growls acknowledging I only have a towel on. Gabe pushes him away.

"You stay out of this." Gabe points from Logan to me. "What the fuck did you do?" I fold my arms across my chest.

"It seems like you know damn well what I did." I hiss through my teeth. I take a step closer to him. "What I'm wondering is who told you?"

"Hunter."

"Really? And did he by any chance tell you what he did?" Gabe remains quiet looking at me with some confusion in his eyes. "Why am I always in the wrong when it comes to you people?" Logan looks at me suddenly feeling attacked, as well. "I screw up or step one toe out of line and suffer all these consequences, but if one of you screw up, nothing happens." I roll my eyes at the silence. "Or I end up suffering YOUR consequences." Gabe folds his arms.

"What are you talking about?" He growls.

"I'm talking about Lia. You and Hunter both knew she was the informant and did nothing about it. You let her walk around freely, collecting information on all of us, letting her get away with it. It's a little weird how I was on my way back here to tell Logan all about it when I was sent off the road and into a tree." Logan looks between the two of us, unsure of what is happening.

"Are you accusing me of something?" He growls, but I remain silent smirking up at him. "Wipe that smirk off your face. You think because you got a couple of lucky punches in, you're top dog now? I'm still in charge around here." I whip my fist up at his bruised nose and strike it across with great force. He stumbles backward gripping it to catch any blood which may fall from it. He stands his ground dropping his hand from his face exposing his bloody nose to me. "You endangered our whole organization by your actions. We voted at The Tunnel and you're out. Don't come back." He huffs turning away from me.

"I was going to leave your fucked up organization anyway. You're no different than her." He turns around implanting his fist into my cheek which I take with ease.

"Get out of my house." Logan chimes in pushing him out of the room. Gabe tumbles over his feet and into the wall behind him. He glares up at Logan. "I said get the fuck out of my house." He screams in his face. Gabe stands upright and storms out, slamming the front door behind him.

Logan turns around and looks at me expectantly. I noticeably exhale feeling a huge weight off my chest. Logan, on the other hand, appears more worried and concerned. I catch him gaze at the scratches and bruising along parts of my body which are visible. He looks away muttering for me to get dressed because we need to talk about what just happened. He closes the door lightly leaving me alone in the silence.

I give my cheek a slight rub already feeling the pain go away. I've been through so much in the past month that a simple punch feels like nothing. I towel dry my hair and climb into comfortable clothing. I sigh contently feeling more like a human being rather than a punching bag.

I leave the bathroom in search for Logan. I check the bedroom first, but with no sign of him I choose to dispose of the tattered and worn down clothes while I'm there. I head out to the living room where I find his body crunched over his knees with his head in his hands. The floorboard under my left foot alerts him as he lifts his head and looks over his shoulder at me. I look down feeling guilty for leaving him in the dark this whole time.

"I did something." I utter softly hoping he didn't hear me. He doesn't respond, but I know he did in fact hear me. He rises from the couch and faces me. "I may have started a war with Casandra." His eyes close as he furrows his eyebrows. "I know the consequences of these --"

"No you don't, Phoenix." He tries to keep his anger at bay. "You don't."

"I do." I speak a little louder. I take a deep breath and try to shut off my emotions. "I'm leaving." I state in a monotone voice. Logan's eyes open as if he's unsure if he heard me correctly.

"I just got you back." He lost all the anger in his voice. I feel my heart sink into my stomach.

"I can't stay here anymore." I fold my arms trying to keep myself together. "I have plans and things I need to take care of and I can't do them here. I can't be endangering the lives of those around me because of my actions which is one of the reasons why I won't ask you to come with me."

"One of the reasons?" He swallows hard. "There are more?"

"I can't ask you to choose between me and a cause you helped start and put so much energy into. They need you. The rebellion needs a strong leader and it's not Gabe. They need you to lead them into a better world. I can't rob them of this opportunity to make a true difference." He's on the other side of the room, but I can tell there are tears in his eyes. "And if I asked you to choose, I couldn't handle the answer, especially if you didn't choose me." I take another deep breath feeling myself start to lose it. "So I chose for you." A smirk wanders onto my face. "I figured it would hurt less."

"So that's it then?" He chokes on his words. "It's all decided for me, regardless of what I want?"

"What do you want?" I ask wishing I hadn't.

"I want you to reconsider."

"We both know I'm too stubborn to do that." He turns away from me having no choice but to accept his new reality.

***

He held me tightly for most of the night in fear that once he lets go, I'll disappear. I wake up close to four in the morning and find myself free of his arms. I crawl out of bed and grab onto the duffel I packed the previous evening. I give him one last look before I sneak down the hall and grab onto the keys to The Tunnel van. It's the least they owe me after kicking me out. I quietly leave the house locking the door behind me.

I toss my duffel into the passenger's seat and start the van. The engine roars to life as I prepare for my new life. I back slowly out of the driveway and when I look back to the house, Logan is standing outside the front door with his arms folded across his chest. I break, locking eyes with him for a few seconds which feels more like an eternity. He doesn't move to chase after me and I wouldn't expect him to.

"Goodbye Logan Fierce." I whisper to myself as I put the car in drive and accelerate away, refusing to look back.