Inside the Lie

~ Your mistakes will live with you forever, my boy. Making them is forgivable. But the difference between a good man and a bad one is wether or not he runs from them. Be a good man, Austin. I know you're a good man. ~ His eyes snapped open as he heard noise, awakening from the same dream, the same memory he'd awoken from for the past seven years. The memory that seemed as though it had been lived a lifetime ago.

A small pang of dread from the very depths of his mind - the minuscule part that was still alive - hit him when he heard the final set of gates open. Someone was coming into his unit. A guard, a new inmate, a lawyer. Whoever it was didn't matter, Austin knew it wouldn't be anyone to see him. But in that tiny part of his mind, part of him still felt fear. Fear that whoever was coming, was coming to tell him he'd have to serve another twenty-five years. Every time those gates clanged, he felt fear. Still.

"Carlile." He recognised the guards voice.

"Lionel." He replied, walking the short distance to the entrance of the cell to see the tall, black guard who had become the closest thing he had to a friend in the place. His familiar face looked unusually apprehensive. The dread settled over the majority of Austin's mind.

"Who died?"

"I've got bad news." Austin's stomach clenched.

"How bad?"

"Well...I don't know."

"What the hell you talking about, man? Don't keep me on the line here." Lionel sighed and looked at Austin for a moment before speaking.
"You've gotta have a cell mate."

"What?" Relief confused him for a moment.

"Look, I tried my best, Austin. But all the other guys have got cell mates. Yours is the only one in this unit left."

"Well who is it?"

"Some kid. He's terrified. Almost wet himself on the way in. Puked when he got arrested, apparently." Austin sighed. Brilliant.

"I know it's not ideal...but uh...you gonna be ok?"

"Against a kid? I think I'll be fine."

"That's not what I mean, and we both know it." Austin met his steady, concerned gaze with ten times the confidence that he felt. Lionel looked relieved and nodded.

"So when's my new buddy arriving?" He asked sarcastically, earning a light smirk from the guard.

"Probably about an hour." Austin nodded.

"Well, thanks for the warning, man. Appreciate it. How's the girls?" Lionel smiled.

"Izzy's got her first dance recital on Wednesday, and Aleisha's not even scared about moving up to junior high." Austin smiled.

"I knew she wouldn't be. I told you."

"You did, you did. She's making another CD for you, by the way. She told me to tell you it'll be ready by next week." Austin hid his pain and tried to show Lionel how grateful he was through his smile. He knew the guard would know.

"Tell her thanks. You've got a beautiful family, Lionel."

"I know. And you'll never let me forget it. Gina says you're the reason I'm a good husband." Austin's laugh was a genuine one and he shook Lionel's hand through the bars.

"Thank you." He left and Austin returned to his bunk, screwing his eyes shut against the barrage of grief that hit him. Lionel's eldest daughter and wife - after the guard had told them about his friendship with Austin - came to visit once two years after he was locked up. The youngest, Izzy, hadn't yet been born. Aleisha was four. His wife, Gina, was just as kind as the guard. They visited again the next year. They visited every year. Austin came to love them, they were the closest thing to family he had. Aleisha began making him CDs when she turned 11. Austin treasured every one of them.

He was more grateful than words could say for Lionel and his family's friendship. But it also brought Austin more pain than he could say. To see them so happy, so kind. It hurt. To know that he could've had that and now he never would was more than he could bear at times. Lionel knew how it hurt him, which is why they only visited once a year.

The bell rang, the buzzer buzzed and the gates were opened. Lunch time. Austin didn't eat. He couldn't stomach anything.

When he returned to the cell, before he even stepped in he knew his new cell mate was already there. Firstly on account of the guard waiting on the gate, and secondly from the smell. The other man didn't smell unpleasant, but he smelt of the outside. He didn't smell of the jail yet. Austin rolled his eyes at the guard.

"Relax - I'm not gonna bust his brains out." Before stepping inside. The man looked small even in what little space they had. He'd sat on the very edge of the bottom bunk and quickly stood when he saw Austin - terror plastered all over his face. Austin felt anger shoot through his veins. He hated seeing people feel that way. Hated it because he knew how it felt. But with the other cells in relatively close proximity, even with the hustle and bustle of inmates returning to their cells, he didn't want to risk anyone overhearing him comforting the younger man. That would trash the reputation he'd spent building for the past seven years. Instead he just nodded.

"Mine's top bunk. You're safe." He muttered gruffly, the kid shook his head more frantically than intended and shot back onto the bed, this time retreating as far away from Austin and the guard as he could, sitting against the wall with his knees drawn in.

"Ok no trouble, Carlile." The guard warned before closing the gate. Austin climbed up to his bunk, too grieved to even care about the presence of another individual in his cell.

Austin point blank refused to leave the cell for dinner, and he didn't care that they threatened to put him on suicide watch for what had to be the hundredth time since he'd arrived. A man wants to miss a crappy prison meal and they all think he's suicidal.
"Carlile - out the cell, now. Kid, you as well." Austin woke from his thoughts then, when the other man was mentioned. He stood slowly, his hands wrung over each other and Austin could see the sheen of sweat covering them.

"Carlile!" The kid flinched and he glanced upwards nervously. It's already been mentioned just how much Austin Carlile hated seeing people afraid. He cleared his throat and jumped down, much to the guard's surprise.

"Alright..don't get your panties in a twist." The guard gave him an empty warning and sent them on their way. They were the last ones and Austin took the opportunity to talk to the younger man who was visibly shaking.

"Look, kid. Top rule: don't let them see you're afraid." He turned to the other man who looked surprised at his words of advice.

"O-ok."

"That means quit fidgeting, don't stammer, either keep your eyes down and look bored out your mind - or stare every mother fucker in that place out." He nodded quickly.

"Either pretend to be used to this shit, like you've been in worse places, or pretend to be a psychopathic bastard." He nodded again, squaring up slightly.

"It doesn't matter how scared you feel on the inside, kid. You're an actor now, be the guy that'll keep you safe. You're the only one who can really do that. Let's go." With that he strolled off in his usual, unhurried, confident gait.

He grabbed a drink, choosing to skip the food, and pretended to keep to himself whilst keeping an eye on the kid. He was pale as a sheet and obviously not in the mood for eating, so he did the same and sat on the same table, but diagonally rather than opposite Austin. He sipped at the soda casually, staring straight ahead as he noticed the prison bully - Sean Moore, aka Metal - headed their way.

"You two pussies going on diets or what?"

"Hell yeah - because I'm worth it." The tables surrounding them turned quiet as the kid replied quickly. Austin watched, nervous on the inside. A few chuckles were hushed when Metal glared around.

"Well hey, the fresh meat's funny." Austin was impressed and mentally cheered the young man on as he smiled cockily and met the bully's stare steadily.

"My best feature, so I'm told."

"Well I tell you something, kid," Metal spat on the table in front of Austin's cell mate before continuing.
"We don't appreciate funny round here. This is our turf. And now you're here, so you either keep your smart ass comments to yourself..." He began to lean down into the younger man's face.
"Or the next conversation we have may not be so civilised. And that smart ass might just become my property." Austin saw the kid's jaw clench and unclench. He hadn't even considered that he might have a temper, not after how frightened he'd been. He kept watch now, ready to jump over the table and stop him if he chose to try and fight his way out of the confrontation.

Austin repositioned himself so his legs were no longer underneath the table but ready to move instead. Metal noticed this and Austin saw him look at him warily.
"Then again, maybe we won't have to sort you out. Good luck sharing a cell with this freak." He spat angrily. With that they left and Austin saw the kid's shoulders sag slightly in relief. They didn't speak again until they had returned to their cell.

"Good job. Dangerous route to take though." He nodded from where he sat on the floor.

"I know...I thought maybe if I was funny he'd either like me or just be annoyed and want to leave me alone."

"Hate to break it to ya, kid, but it's neither. You've pissed him off now, he won't leave you alone." He groaned and pushed his head into his hands wearily.

"Why did he call you a freak?" He asked quietly after several minutes.

"Never mind." The younger man looked up at Austin and realised he'd asked the one thing that would really make him clam up as he settled back against the wall and closed his eyes. If Austin Carlile didn't want to speak - he didn't.