Lost Haven.

The days were growing shorter, and the nights were getting longer. I was getting less and less sleep. That was mostly due to the fact that I was trying to avoid the deceiving dreams I would have of John. I'd go running toward him, asking why he hasn't shown his face, only to realize it was my own mind conjuring up the image. I had to stop entertaining the idea that he would come back. He wasn't. It was a big pill to swallow, but I wondered when I'd finally scarf it down.
As for work, well, work was work.
The highlight of my day was getting to go back home to Angela and fall asleep beside her crib, then wake up with the soft sunlight pouring in. I usually waited until I watched her eyes flutter open to pick her up. They'd look right at me, wide and curious, and staring right into my soul. I was grateful to get to spend the whole day with her, then getting to lull her to sleep at the end.
I wish I didn't have to leave her every night.
It felt wrong, especially after all those months ago. I knew she was in good hands, but it hurt knowing that the only parent she had now wouldn't be around if she needed me.
With a sigh, I duck inside the bar to get ready to face the long shift. It was only open until after midnight, but I would much rather be in bed being comforted by my baby's soft breathing.
As I approach the counter, I notice a large figure slouched over their drink, head hung between his slumped shoulders. I feel a glint of recognition and wave of deja vu when I watch him rub his scruffy jaw before throwing back his glass. He had a somber look on his face, the blue in his eyes missing its vibrance from the other night, but instantly giving away who the broken man that I was looking at was.
I move behind the counter to stand in front of Chris. He raises his head, the straight line of his mouth instantly forming into a smile. "Lexi."
I wince as I observe the slight puffiness and dark under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in days.
He looked like he could use another drink.
"Finally decided to come around, I see," I tease lightly, giving a sympathetic smile. "What can I get you?"
He looks down at his hands and chuckles shyly. "This is probably a sad sight to see. Don't think it was anything tragic, really. It's not anything I'm not already used to."
I pull up a stool that were often kept back here and sit across from him. "What do you mean?"
Meeting my eyes, he heaves a deep sigh before tilting his glass and watching the ice clink inside. "1942. I had a friend. More than a friend, actually. He was a brother to me, and we did everything together. When the war rolled around, he signed up. Wasn't gonna let the punk go in it alone, so I enlisted. Didn't take long for me to die, though." He pauses and taps the glass. "It took a bit to realize I was an angel. Then I thought back to him, still out there, fighting, and I wanted to help. I needed to. I didn't know back then it was against the rules, so I fell. I hardly survived that, too, but the thought of my best pal was enough."
I frown and take his glass when he's finished, refilling it for him. He mutters a thanks. I cross my arms on the countertop. "What happened to him?"
Chris sniffs slightly, and chuckles. "He survived the war. He outlived me. Always knew he would."
I watch as he takes a hardy sip from his drink and coughs from the whiskey probably burning his throat.
I feel my stomach twist in sorrow for him. "What was his name?"
"Stanly. Greatest guy you could ever meet." His eyes turn glassy and he furrows his eyebrows. "He was my best friend," he says, voice tight. I rub his arm gently in consolation as he gathers himself enough to speak enough. "We promised each other we'd stick together no matter what. So I did just that." He swallows thickly and averts his gaze. "Today was his birthday. He woulda been 94. Not that he was that lucky."
"And you never found him?" I ask, wondering why he wouldn't try searching for his best friend in the afterlife.
But Chris just shakes his head. "You've got to lay some things to rest, Lexi. That probably sounds hypocritical coming from me, I still haven't gotten over it. But we all have to move on eventually." He runs a hand through his golden brown locks. "It was hard to see him go. Guess it's kinda hard to accept having the ones we love and would never leave behind leave us, ya know?"
I wince. "Yeah," I whisper. "I do."
His eyes flicker up to me, seeming to have caught the meaning behind my words. He tilts his head. "Who left you?"
I exhale slightly, attempting a smile but not being able to do more than a small grimace. "That person's still alive and well. At least I think so."
His eyebrows draw together. "What? You can't be talking about-" He freezes when he sees the look on my face, surely pale and frightened to even hear his name. "No. There's no way."
I shrug, forcing a smile. I could feel the water welling up as I huff out in a breathy laugh, "Can't believe everything you hear about happy endings, I guess."
"Oh, Lexi, I-" He rises from his seat, watching me with concern as the tears escape my eyes. I wipe them away and Chris takes a quick step behind the counter and surprisingly pulls me in for a strong hug. The contact leaves me breathless, slowly breaking down at realizing that I missed John's arms around me.
And I crack.
My mouth goes over my mouth to quiet the sobs threatening to escape. At least it wasn't a roomful of people, and most just looked away. But still, I felt pathetic. Chris didn't pull away in the least. He even holds me a bit tighter, rubbing a hand across my back. It did little to soothe the aching in my chest that felt empty.
"You don't need to pretend to be okay, Lexi," he murmurs, sighing. "You don't even need to be okay. I've been there, okay? Life goes on, even if it sucks. But that doesn't mean you have to go through it acting like you don't need anyone to help you. You don't have to go at it alone."
I cry quietly into the crook of his shoulder, my hands clenches into fists as they rested against my chest. It wasn't fair of him to leave. It wasn't fair to make me believe we had a chance of surviving everything we fought for.
I thought we were what we were fighting for.
"I hate that I miss him," I admit, sniffing.
Chris pulls away gently and gives me a little side smile. "I bet he hates himself twice as much. Must be a real idiot."
I roll my eyes, wiping my cheeks. "That's what I said."
"Well-hey, no more crying, okay? You'll be alright." He nods. "I promise."
"Okay." I take a deep breath and meet his eyes. He sure had a lot of compassion for someone he didn't know personally. I couldn't help but wonder just how much he's heard.
"Thank you," I mutter, taking a few steps back as I cross my arms. "You should, uh..."
Chris grins. "Bartenders only back here. Got it."
I laugh when he puts his hands up and sits back in his stool. "You have a big heart. I'm sorry you didn't get to live by your friend's side and say goodbye one last time," I muse.
His face shifts, sincere and even a bit astounded. "That...that means a lot. Thank you." He stares at his drink and licks his lip. "Not one day goes by that I don't think about the last time we talked. But it was right before going into battle, so it was pretty sentimental. I like to think that my last words to him at least meant something."
My mind drifts back to John, and our last conversation. He had tried so hard to get me to stay, just to spend a little longer with me. And that kiss...It had definitely meant something. Even if the "I love you" felt like a lie after his betrayal, I could think of that kiss, and what it felt like, and I would know that it wasn't.
And for the first time in months, I get a sense that things will be okay.
***********************
John's P.O.V.
This guy was a bitch to find.
I was quickly getting nowhere. Taylor could be looking for me, and it terrified me to think he was looking where he know he would have found me if I hadn't left.
But if I hadn't run into him yet, that had to be a good thing. At least he couldn't track me.
I felt bleak. I don't quite know how to say how I feel, because it was an emptiness I hadn't known for a century, but it was worse. There was a weight on my heart that always made breathing harder, and I didn't dare think I deserved sleep. I was the epitome of a ghost. The embodiment of an empty shell.
But then I'd think of perfect violet eyes, of lips that I would kiss and a small hand I would hold, and they were all I could see. It kept that emptiness at bay, at least for a while.
My problem was that it always came back, ironically filling me to the brim.
I was scavenging the shadows in a far away state. Probably somewhere in Rhode Island. I considered traveling to a different country, but I still had things anchoring me here.
Two things, specifically.
With a resigned sigh, I step out of the Abyss to see where the dark has led me. Looking around, I realize it's midday and I'm tucked between two garbage bins in an alley. I move away, brushing off my jacket as I think of why it would take me here. There had to be some trace of Taylor here.
There had to be if I was ever going to be at rest and go back home.
As I begin walking, I notice a woman smoking in a corner. "Excuse me," I call out. "Can you tell me where I am? I'm a little lost."
"Oh, you are way past lost." She chuckles and turns, snuffing her cigarette and crushing it under her heel. "You're hopeless."
I clench my jaw at the old but familiar face. "What are you doing here, Ravenna?"
"I didn't think I'd run into you, so don't blame me from blowing your cover," she scoffs. "I had to sort out some things back home. A bitch got to me and I got stuck with good old Lucy for a week. I got detoured here. He's such an ass, dropping me in the middle of nowhere."
I lean against the wall opposite of her. "Sucks."
"Not really. I get a break from all the drama. I think I'll stay away a bit longer." She glowers at me. "After all, we both know shit's gonna hit the fan the moment I get back and tell them about this lovely heartwarming encounter."
I swallow thickly. "Don't. You just-don't. Just don't. You really don't understand."
"I understand just fine. You were a dick. You made Lex fall in love with your sorry ass and sacrifice everything to establish some sort of life, then decide you don't want that."
"I would never," I nearly snarl, "Never leave Lexi."
"Then what do you call this?"
"That's...that's not it," I mutter, running a hand through my hair. God dammit, this had to happen now. "I have to do this. You can't tell her, o-okay? It'll put her in danger."
Ravenna barks out a harsh laugh. "Like leaving her all alone isn't. You crushed her, John. Like that wasn't danger enough."
I wince, feeling a painful pulse in my heart, like an arrow had just pierced through it.
"I wish I never had to leave. It hurt enough, okay?" I snap. "I don't need you to give me shit for it."
"Oh you most definitely need to be given a shit, because clearly you don't have any," she growls, striding over and jabbing a finger at my chest. "I don't know what this high and mighty reason is that you had to bail, but you better make damn sure that you can clean up your own mess when you get back."
I raise an eyebrow. "So you won't tell?"
She narrows her eyes before pulling away. "I'll stay quiet if it means keeping 'em safe. But you've got serious explaining to do later."
I give her a victorious grin. "We're still friends, right?"
"Friends? Who says you have friends, O' Callaghan?" She smirks. "I'm just an acquaintance that decided to like you."
"Then I'm grateful for your acquaintanceship." I stuff my hands in my pockets and hesitate before biting my lip. "How is she?"
Ravenna sighs. "She's okay. Doing better, anyway. I haven't been around as of late so I wouldn't know."
I nod in understanding and feel my heart lift a bit. "And the baby? Is she real big now?"
With a smile and turn on her heel, she asks, "Why don't you see for yourself?"
~
I couldn't stay away after Ravenna had given me the idea. It's been too long and I still had fear and anxiety about how much had changed. I needed to see my little girl to assure myself there was still something to fight for.
I arrive in Arizona late at night, feeling my chest tighten at the sight of the cabin from the top of the hill. The shadow's brought me here, so that meant Lexi hadn't moved to forget she ever knew me. I had a feeling Riley was doing good at keeping her afloat.
God, I felt like shit.
It was eating at my brain. It haunted me like a fucking virus. I had walked out on my family. I went against the one thing I believed in.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I start my slow ascend down toward the cabin. My heart races faster with every step. Would she be asleep? Is this really safe? Am I risking it all to see the two of them?
I was, but I couldn't bring myself to reason with it. I needed to see them.
The light was on, at least in the kitchen, and I consider knocking. I bite my lip. No. Bad idea.
The closer I get, I could hear the water running from the sink and try to peak in through the window. Riley's back is to me and I feel a wave of elatedness overwhelm me. God, I never thought it'd be so good to see the back of his head.
I notice his shoulders straighten and his head raise. I don't even try to fight off the smile. Of course the bastard could sense it.
Making my way to the backyard before he could see me and hoping he would follow, I nearly choke at the sight at Lexi's old gravesite, now covered with flowers. I would never let that happen again.
I hear the door being flung open and look up, the pure look of relief on Riley's face enough to make me chuckle. I hold my arms out. "Thought I'd drop in."
He rushes over and pulls me in for a hard hug, his hands clasping my back as he sighs. "Jesus Christ, you haven't gotten yourself killed yet."
"Don't you know me at all, Ri?" I whisper. Pulling away, I give him an unsure stare. "Is...is she asleep?"
"She's not here, actually," he mutters and my mind goes into overdrive. Where the hell was she? Where was Lex?
"It's okay," he quickly says when he sees the look of panic on my face. "She's working."
"What?"
"She volunteered to take Ravenna's place for a while. She's been missing."
I grit my teeth but keep my mouth shut about her whereabouts. Instead, I nod. "And...Angela?" My voice is barely a breath, but the name feels so good to say aloud. Just hearing it gave me the strongest urge to hold my baby in my arms.
He smiles softly. "She's sleeping in the room. Lexi won't be back for another hour, if you wanted to see her..."
My heart soars and I nod slowly. "Please. Ev won't see me, will she?"
"She's dead asleep. Uhh, hold on." I watch him walk back to the entrance and reach for something on the doorframe. He peels off a script and gestures inside. "Now hurry up. Your daughter's waiting."
I swallow the lump in my throat, the word traveling through my veins. She was my blood.
Quietly pushing the door open, I notice the lights off and spot the white crib. The sight alone makes me tremble. I rub a hand over my mouth. My careful steps didn't seem big enough to get to her. But then I look inside.
There was my sleeping little angel.
It's odd, that first time it really hits you that the little child you're looking at is yours. You look at them, and suddenly your whole world shifts.
My eyes water and I cover my mouth as I sink to the floor, unable to take my eyes off her. She was so beautiful and big already. Had this much time really passed?
I sit cross legged right by her crib, smiling through my tears as I peak through the thin bars. I watch as her chest rises and falls, her breaths soft and a pacifier abandoned at her side. She was so, so beautiful.
Elbows on my knees, I wipe my cheeks with my palm and sniff. I couldn't wipe the fucking grin off my face. That baby was a piece of me. A part of a whole.
After I take a deep breath, I rise to my feet and speak in a gentle voice. "Hey babygirl. Daddy brought you something."
I stick my hand inside my jacket, feeling my fingers brush against the soft feather and I pull it out. "I've missed you and your mommy so much," I croak, clearing my throat. I lean down and rest the feather at her pillow, before thinking twice and tucking it away inside. "I've kept this with me for so long, it almost feels like it's mine," I whisper. "But it was your mom's. She gave it to me, and it's kept me safe. I want you to keep it safe, alright darlin'? Hopefully it keeps you safe. But your mommy's already doing that, isn't she?" I wipe my nose on the back of my hand and sigh. "I can't stay for long. I'm sorry daddy had to leave." My eyes sting and I bite my lip. "I'm going to be back soon, alright? I'm doing everything I can. I'll always protect you, Angela." I smile softly, staring at her miniature little body. "My little Jelly bean."
With shaking fingers, I touch her cheek gently and suck in a breath. I wish I could hold her.
"You're going to grow up so beautiful," I murmur, stroking her head. "Just like your mom. And I'm going to be there to see. I swear to you."
The sound of a door opening and closing makes my heart lurch to my throat. No. I thought I had longer. But-
Lexi was right in the other room. She was so fucking close.
It took everything in me not to run and take her in my arms. If I did that, this will all have been for nothing. I can't come back to haunt her just to disappear again and rub salt in her wounds. She couldn't see me.
"Daddy has to go," I say sadly. I wanted so badly to lean down and kiss her goodnight, but I couldn't reach. "I'll come back soon, babygirl. I love you. Take care of your mom for me in the meantime."
I give her cheek one last caress before tearing myself away and slip inside the closer, sinking into the corner, closing my eyes and calling to the shadows.
I pause when I hear the door open and hear her sigh. I could see her through the crack in the door and hold back the whisper of her name on my lips. Instead, I take in the image of her sitting on the edge of the bed and commit it to memory. I would take this with me to fill the emptiness with something else.
She mumbles something under her breath, the last thing I hear before closing my eyes again, traveling far, far away from home.