Lost Haven.

The room was noisy. Everything felt noisy and quiet at the same time. All I could do was stand there, remembering how to breathe.
My vision grows clouded and blurry as I grip the door handle. "What are you doing here?" I spit out in a rush, impressed that I was even able to speak. He wasn't here right now. How was he here right now?
John presses his lips together as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "I figured there's a lot we need to talk about. And a lot that I have to explain that you probably have questions for." He pauses. "Now would be a better time than any to start."
I regain composure and feel my face harden. "Better time than any? You've decided that today out of the last year was the time to show up?"
"Look, Lexi, I know what I did was completely unexpected and I know I hurt you, but-"
"No," I whisper. "I'm not going to listen to this." I begin to close the door but he places a hand firmly on it. "Lexi, please, let me explain," he says desperately.
"Why would I need you to explain why you left me?!" I snap. "Why you left us?!"
He stands there, momentarily stunned. "You're a fucking, bastard, John O' Callaghan! A bastard," I continue, my blood boiling too much to stay calm for once. I've spent the last year being calm. I've had it.
He winces and I see a spark of hurt in his eyes as I lash out. "Did you really think you could come back here, just show up and expect me to let you back in to my life? I waited for you - I fucking waited! That alone was useless. You just left. You gave me nothing, John. I had nothing to try and figure out why."
I feel Riley approach behind me, resting a hand on my shoulder. He could surely feel my body shaking.
"Nobody knows I'm even in town yet, the first thing I did was come here, Lex," he croaks. "Please. You can't really believe I haven't spent every single passing day thinking about the both of you."
"That's not enough!" I cry, my chest now heaving as I blink back tears. Regardless, I feel the warm path down my cheeks.
John bites down on his lips and grips the door. "Baby, I-"
"Don't," I growl through gritted teeth. "Don't call me that."
"You have to hear me out," he breathes.
"Lexi, maybe you two should sit down and talk this out reasonably," Riley mumbles by my ear and I nearly twirl around and slap him. How could he stand by me and side with him? He'd walked out on his family. His own blood. And he hadn't even had the decency to say goodbye, to say anything. He'd chosen to take all the times we had and throw them away. He'd taken our promises and thrown them on the floor.
I shake my head and shake off his hand. "This is between us, Riley. I don't need you telling me what you think I should do."
He backs off at my icy response and John exchanges a sorry glance with him.
"It doesn't matter anyway," I mutter. "I have nothing to say to you."
"If this was the only time you were going to give me a chance, please, just this once, you have to listen," he tries again, pushing a hand through his hair.
"So what were you going to do, exactly, huh?" I scoff. "When you did decide to finally come back? Beg for forgiveness and think that would erase twelve fucking months of not knowing anything? Why you left, where you were, if you were even alive?"
He looks down at his shoes, slouching a bit more as he leans his arm against the door. "Lexi," he whispers.
"It's not that easy," I tel him dryly. "You can't walk out on me and your daughter and come back and expect things to be okay."
At the mention of Angela, his lips twitch into a grimace. "Don't."
My eyes flood and I shake my head. "Get away. Don't come back. Just leave."
"You know I can't do that," he says in a clear voice, trying to move closer to me but I clutch the door tightly.
"I don't want to see you," I breathe, my chest tightening. It was true. After spending every day longing to see his face again, I couldn't bare having him stand in front of me and be reminded that he chose this.
John eases up but he's stiff as a board while standing straight. "I'll come back. I'll wait right here if I need to."
"Don't bother," I hiss, my cheeks strained with tears. I felt pathetic and drained. He needed to go disappear again so I could get a grip of something I knew. Something real, something steady and familiar: the hurt.
He tries one last time, simply placing a gentle hand on the door when I begin to close it. His eyes flicker to mine, glistening as his face scrunches up in pain. "I love you."
My heart constricts and it takes everything in me to take a deep breath and throw out the words, "I hate you."
I slam the door before turning and sinking against it slowly, my body still quaking as I keep a hold on the knob with a shaky hand. I reach the floor and fold in on myself, feeling the pain return as raw as the first day he'd left. Our family had been ripped apart at his own hands and I couldn't forgive him for that.
I don't think I ever would.
***********
John's P.O.V.
"I hate you."
I stay frozen there a whole minute in front of the house, the words echoing inside my head. They swirled around me, making me dizzy. She'd looked me right in the face when she said that. It was the biggest rejection I never anticipated.
Walking away in a daze, I wander aimlessly through the trees up on the hill, trying not to fall to my knees as I staggered through. She hates me. Hate. There was no love in her eyes when she looked at me; nothing but pure resentment. I made her hate me.
I reach the top of the hill and sit weakly, resting my arms on my knees. I'd held onto so much hope that when I returned we could work things out but I didn't think there was any coming back from that.
My eyes were glued to the window, desperate to catch any kind of glance at one of them. I'd been so weak the first few weeks. I could remember all the other times I stayed perched up here daydreaming about the moment I would be reunited with them.

You'd think after spending so much time fighting for each other, that we'd earn our happy ending.
You'd think wrong.
There couldn't be a happy ending for someone whose end didn't exist. I should have known that we'd always have something to try to come between us. There would always be something. And now, the rift had happened, and I've never felt more distant from her.
It pained me to have to watch over her, rather than be right there beside her. Lex had no idea I was even near, not that she would want to know about the likes of me. She was all alone, aside from Riley that had promised to stay behind. It felt like I was breaking the biggest promise of all, that I'd always be right there to protect her. But I was doing this to protect her. To protect the both of them. But I'd been the one to hurt Lexi in the first place. She surely hated me, and she had every reason to. That wouldn't stop me from trying to catch one last glimpse of the home I left behind, of the love that I abandoned.
However, I knew I could only afford it a little longer. It was too dangerous. I shouldn't even be here.
Soon, I'd have to leave. I had to move far enough away to assure her safety so that she would never have to have something going after her.
I had to stay away.
I couldn't be around them anymore. As much as it hurt, I knew my decision was the only way out of this. Lexi was strong enough to handle it on her own; with Riley's help, my betrayal wouldn't even affect her anymore. She would survive this, and I would make sure of it. She'd be there to nurture and care for and protect our daughter, our beautiful daughter, in all the ways that I couldn't and make up for my absence.
Our daughter. The word made my heart - what was left of it, anyway- shatter to pieces. It felt like I'd hardly gotten to witness the first moments of her life before I bolted. It felt like just yesterday that she was born. It felt like I'd gotten any time with her at all.
And here I was, standing at the top of the hill of the slope that led downwards toward the cabin, peaking in through the window of the guest room that had always been ours, my chest aching as I watch her hold onto our baby's tiny wrist. I should be the one holding onto the other. They were my safe haven, and everything I ever needed, but I didn't have that privilege anymore.
It was the last thing I would see, so I burn the sight into my memory, my hands clenched into fists at all the mistakes that I've made to get me here, at the sudden pain on her face. Her tears stained her cheeks and she tried so hard to not look as weak as she felt. That was my Lexi; she'd never admit it, but I was the reason her life had become a living hell.
My insides wrench, longing to wipe the water from her eyes and run my thumb over her trembling lip. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wish I could promise her that everything would be okay, but the truth was, I wasn't sure it would.
I was doing the right thing. Wasn't I?
One day they'd understand.
Tonight felt a lot like it had then. That hopeless, lost feeling, missing a part of me and looking down on the only world I ever loved. The only difference was, I'd been naïve to think there wouldn't be a consequence. Here I was, and she definitely did not understand. She refused to even try. How could she when she hated me too much to hear the truth? I had done it for them.
If anything, now I understand why demons lived so viscously without regret. The right thing always fucking hurt.
My emotions wash over me and I bury my hands in my hair, hitting my breaking point. She didn't even want to see me.
I try to stand but just end up crouching, my elbows on my knees as I bite back a sob. I should have done things differently. I should have left more than a note. I shouldn't have forbid Riley from telling her. Should, should, should.
I run a hand down my face before stumbling to my feet again. I get as far as a foot before falling to my hands and letting out a howling cry. It physically hurt to breathe; like there was a knife in my side and each intake of air made it twist further, deeper.
I couldn't even revel in the relief and amount of joy I felt at seeing her again. She hated me. She's probably hated me this entire year.
I ruined what we had and that's what killed me.
************
My hand clenches anxiously when I hear the dial tone again. It feels like I've been sitting here with no idea what to do for hours. I needed someone to talk to, but that someone wasn't going to be Riley. Once he started trying to reason with me to "hear John out," I locked myself in my room and have been trying to call Chris ever since. He was the only person I could think of that wouldn't think twice about letting me vent. Knowing him, he would say he'd be right over.
If I could reach him.
With an exasperated sigh, I hang up once again and sit jittery for a few minutes before pressing dial again. But all I get is the replay of his voice mail.
It's Chris. You know what to do.
My chest constricts as I swallow the lump in my throat, wishing he was here. The one time he wasn't around, and it was the time I wished he most was.
John used to be that person. But John couldn't make me feel better about him.
I rise to my feet and walk over to Angela's crib, seeing her sleeping, so blissfully unaware about the world happening around her. How lucky she was.
Suffocated, I unlock the door before opening a shadow into the Abyss. Riley could lecture me all he wants about my love life, but he couldn't stop me from going to work. Besides.
I needed a drink.
The trip is quick and no one takes a second glance when I emerge in the basement, all of them more concerned with their own nights to pay me any mind.
I sigh as I plop down in the stool behind the counter, lending a hand to the bartender on the clock. I didn't care as long as it helped keep my thoughts of John at bay.
"Fancy meeting you here this late," I hear the quirky voice quip. I almost sigh in relief when I turn to take in Mal's familiar face and signature hair. This time, she had it straightened and the ends dyed pink.
"Hey," I mumble, pouring myself a glass of whiskey. Kind of funny how I wouldn't touch this stuff before, but that had changed in the past months.
"Lexi," she says with a curved smirk, sliding in across from me. "Make it two?"
I nod and serve her drink then push it towards her. It clinks softly as she twirls the glass in her fingers. "What are you doing here?" I ask, watching her bring the glass to her lips.
"Oh, I was just missing my beloved Jack," she muses, shaking the glass. "How are you?"
"Been better," I whisper, slumping in my seat. She raises an eyebrow as she takes in my expression. "Something's up? Is it Angela?"
I clench my jaw as I look down and fiddle with the dew drops from the condensed glass sliding onto the wooden counter. "He's back," I say softly.
A moment of silence passes between us before she speaks up, voice hard. "I'm sorry, what? We can't be thinking of the same 'he.'"
I nod and give a tight smile, resisting the urge to break down right then and there. "Just showed up on my doorstep and said it was a good time to talk then asked to let him explain." I shake my head in dismay. "He missed out on a whole year with us, Mal. How could he do that?"
She sighs, muttering something angrily under her breath. "The fucker. I could kick his balls in so hard it'd pop out of his eye sockets."
I give her a look and she rolls her eyes. "Sorry. Don't tell me you actually still give any kind of a shit about him."
I press my lips together, shrugging.
"Lex," she says through gritted teeth. "That asshole left you. He doesn't deserve any sort of feelings from you."
My eyes sting tiredly as I grip my glass. "It just hurts, Mal. I've spent every fucking day for the last twelve months missing him so much I ached, wishing I could see him again thinking that it would make me feel better about him disappearing. And then he just shows up and I could feel how wrong I was. Every day I thought I wanted him to come back so things could be the same." I bite my lip and take a deep breath. "When really I wanted him to never have left and ruined everything."
Mal remains silent, staring considerably. "Yeah, I know what it's like," she mutters. "Running away from your problems, I mean; I'm an expert at that. So I'm probably a hypocrite for even talking to you about this, but I want to be honest. I know when I run it's to avoid any real commitment. It's just easier that way."
The words hit me like a freight train and I rest my feeble hands in my lap, afraid to show that they'd started shaking. I felt like I was one hair away from cracking.
"I guess what I'm trying to say," she sighs, "I can be a coward. I'm not afraid to admit it. But John...I expected a lot more."
My vision blurs and I feel my skin grow cold. "He promised."
She looks at me, focused but soft, sympathetic. She could feel the weight behind those words, and just how much they meant. John had hurt me, something he promised he would never do. He promised he'd always be there, and he wasn't. I felt like an empty shell from those hollow lies he'd left me with.
"I'm sorry he hurt you, Lex," Mal mutters. "But promises...they're made to be broken."
I feel a churning in my gut as I sit and wallow with the warm tears on my cheeks.
I wondered if they were as broken as me.