Lost Haven.

John's P.O.V.
It was raining. 
I didn't move, even though it was getting muddy where I sat and my shirt was beginning to sag. It's been hours since I came home, but I couldn't think of anywhere to go. Not anywhere I would want to, anyway. 
Riley was still up, which puzzled me. Did he know I was out here?
Sure enough, the door swings open a second later and he rushes outside, carrying an umbrella but shielding himself with his arm instead. Idiot.
"Remind me, you can't get sick, right?" he calls over the low hum of the rain. 
I shrug as he opens up the umbrella and holds it over me. "Been too long to remember. Doesn't matter."
Riley sighs. "John, you need to find somewhere to stay, don't torture yourself. It won't do either of you any good if you stay around here."
I keep my tone firm but relaxed. "I sat in the rain for days when I thought she was dead. I'm ready to do the same now if it'll get her to listen to me."
"That might be a while," he mutters. I ignore him as I stare at the cabin a few yards below. "She asleep?"
He hesitates before answering. "Don't know, actually. I couldn't sense her after a while of her being cooped up in her room, and when I heard the door unlock..."
"Where did she go?" I ask, my heart sinking. My best bet was that she'd needed someone to talk to. And who better than that new guy of hers?
"Bar maybe," Ri mumbles, scratching his head. "I assumed her seeing you might sway her to take the night off, but I guess not."
My brows furrow for a moment. She worked at the bar now? Just how much had I missed? 
With a deep sigh, I rise from the ground and brush off my pants. "I'm gonna wait on the porch until she comes home."
"On the porch? Do you really think she's gonna take the risk of walking back and seeing you?"
He continues holding the umbrella above my head and I move it away. A little rain never bothered me. "Dunno. But I'm hoping she might and that she'll talk to me."
"And why would she want to do that?" he questions.
My eyes flicker to his, and I could feel the weight of my eyelids from exhaustion. "Because I need her to, Ri."
Standing, I slouch against the tree and look over what used to be a home for me. I no longer had the right to call it that. I wasn't entitled to anything here anymore, but that wouldn't stop me from trying to make things right. I would wait, for however long it took.  
He blinks, umbrella still in hand. "You're real persistent, you know that?"
My lips twitch. "Are you referring to the time I made you drive getaway for the car I gambled or the time I dared you to sleep with Darla?"
"Which I didn't. I'm not that stupid. You just wanted to see if one of us would explode when fallen angel and demon made contact," he scoffs. "But no, I'm referring to the other dozen times you've gotten me into all your trouble. Can't say it's never a rush."
I can't help but grin softly before eyeing the umbrella he was holding over me. I clasp his shoulder and give it a light squeeze. "You've always been there. I'll never understand why, but I'm grateful for it." 
"I'll be inside," he says simply, patting me once on the back. He offers me the umbrella once more, but I shake my head. With a defeated sigh, he runs back in and I let the drops trickle onto my face. I breathe in the smell of the rain, having been disconnected from a lot of this for so many months. I was always on the inside looking out, like a prisoner with no sentence, but I was infinitely trapped until I could find an end to this chase.
There were so many times I almost gave in. I could never sleep because the silence and the void in my heart was haunting. I longed to be with what I left behind, longed my chance at a normal life.
And now I was back, but it was much too late for that.
A flicker of movement grabs my attention and I stand straight, Lexi in sight as she emerged from the shadows and opened her umbrella. She begins to jog towards the cabin, but I hurriedly run down the slope of the hill, heart beating with every step.
She senses someone coming and turns stiffly, stopping in her tracks. Her mouth sets in a grim line as I slow to a stop in front of her. I stuff my hands in my pockets. “You’re out late.”
“I figured I could use a drink,” she mumbles, the rain quieting but still pattering against the umbrella and the ground.
“Drink? That’s new,” I comment in a gentle voice. She didn’t take it that way and her face hardens. How much had I hardened that heart of hers?
“Go away, John,” she spits simply. “Go back to wherever the hell you came from.”
I lick my lips. “That would be hell, darlin’.”
She glares at me before pushing past. “Lexi,” I call out desperately, holding my arms out. “What do you want from me? I’m trying here, give me something-”
“I don’t want anything from you!” Lexi cries, dropping her umbrella. “I want you to leave me alone!”
I sigh. “You know I can’t do that. I won’t, Lex.”
Her violet eyes glimmer, staring me down in resentment. “Give me one good reason, John. Give me one why I should listen to anything you have to say.”
My mouth opens, struggling to find a reason, any reason. She deserved better than the answer I had to give her, but I could only try.
“I panicked,” I croak. “You weren’t safe and I didn’t know how else to fix it. It’s the only way I know how to resolve things. I had to go off on my own to protect you and Angela. I did it for you.”
Her eyebrows furrow. “Weren’t safe?”
I clench my jaw, feeling my insides quiver at the truth finally coming out. “When I…when I was trying to get you back from Lucifer, Zachariah’s brother found me. He knows I was the cause of Zach’s death. He was coming after me as revenge, and he planned to hit me where it hurt.” I swallow thickly. “I had to make some kind of diversion and leave so he wouldn’t find you and Angela. I needed some time. So I left you in Riley’s care. I knew you would be okay under his protection.”
Lexi’s expression was hard to read. She seemed to be processing everything, about where it is and what it is I’ve been doing all this time. I hadn’t wanted to leave.
“You…Riley knew?”
I hang my head. “He’s not to blame so don’t be mad at him. I made him swear not to tell you.”
That’s when I feel the sharp sting across my face.
Her eye fill with tears as she hisses through her teeth, “I cannot believe you! And all this time I thought it was something I did. That you didn’t want me anymore, didn’t want a life with a family. You left me in the dark. You…you didn’t even make the effort to stay.”
“Lexi-“
“We’ve always stuck through this together. Any time we had to fight, we stayed by each other’s side. And you choose to leave me and the baby to fend for ourselves, for who knows how long, when anything else could have happened? And you didn’t even let Riley tell me what was going on? For what, your own selfish reasons? Do you know how alone I was?!”
My chest felt like it was being torn apart, stripped of skin and leaving my heart bare. She had every right to be this upset; I just couldn’t stand to see her like that and not hold her.
“I didn’t want this to happen,” I insist, taking her rain-and-tear streaked face in my hands, needing to touch her somehow. “I could never run away from this life. Lexi, this is all I’ve ever dreamed of.” She tries turning away but I grab her more firmly, so that she would look at me. Please just look at me. Look at me like before, like the day I said goodbye without you knowing.
“Everything keeps going wrong,” I whisper. “I’m doing my best so we can finally build a home.”
Her brows knit painfully. “I can’t believe you can just lie to my face.”
“I’m not fucking lying, just listen,” I plead, bending my knees so I was at eye level. “Baby, please, I won’t hurt you, you know me. You know me. I wouldn’t do this to you if I-“
“Stop calling me baby!” she snaps. She pushes my arms away, fuming. “Of course everything keeps going wrong,” she seethes. “It’s because of you.”
My stomach pangs. “I-“
“It’s all because of you. All the times things have gone wrong because of something you did. It’s all connected to you. Just being with you has brought me so much pain and suffering. I get hurt, time and time again.” Her bottom lip trembles. “My heart can’t take it.”
“I won’t hurt you,” I breathe. “I just need you to give me a chance. I won’t ever leave again.”
“I can’t be with you,” she whispers with a quiet sob. With the rain I was almost sure I hadn’t heard her right. But the look on her face said it all.
I open my mouth but my lips just stay gaping, longing to brush against hers and hope I could change her mind.
“It’s all over, Lex,” I mutter, touching her cheek. “No more running. Don’t let this be over too. I couldn’t live with that.”
Lexi winces and flinches away. “What about what I have to live with? I’ve made a list of what I hate about you, John. Of all the reasons I convinced myself you weren’t right for me. What don’t you get about that? I don’t want to be with you. I can’t handle it. I can’t do this anymore.”
“But I-”
“Mal was right. Promises are just meant to broken.”
"They’re not broken,” I say with resolve, her words cutting deeper than any knife. “We're not broken, we're just lost, darlin'."
Her eyes search mine as she shakes her head. "I'm not sure I want to find you this time."
I’m not sure what splits in half first: my heart or my soul.
Lexi walks around me, stepping under the porch and searching for her keys. I follow and lean against the wall, willing her to look up. I didn’t want to use my gift against her; I wanted her to forgive me on her own. “Lexi.”
She raises her head and stares. Being without her because of the distance had broken me, but this broke me so much more, and I know she could see that in my eyes. I didn’t want to be without her.
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” I whisper under my breath.
“And none of it will work,” she mutters. “So don’t waste your time.” She turns the knob before before pushing inside, slamming the door in front of me and shutting me out.
I take a deep breath and press my head against the cool wood. The last time I stood on the other side of this door, I had been trying to get through to her and watched her get tortured. Funny how it felt like the other way around now.
She was probably right. Maybe keeping me out was what she needed to prevent the suffering, and save her the misfortune of the burdens of being with me. But could I really let us slip away so easily?
Biting my lip, I make my way around to the backyard, following the muddy dirt path that lead to the garden. The flowers stood sadly under the pummeling water. Their petals drooped as they tried to stay in tact.
I pluck some of the wildflowers, silent as I recall when I first planted them. I thought Lexi had been dead then, I thought I’d lost her for good, and still I went on to love her. I let my love grow and bloom from the earth, showing her that it was still there. Living or no longer breathing, she was the angel sent to me to show that such a thing existed for a damned soul like me. There was hope, something I’d had a hard time learning. I wouldn’t give up so easily when we owed it to ourselves to be happy.
Standing, I take the thin wilting bouquet and walk back around to the front porch, leaving them at her doorstep. I know when she’s hurting she likes to convince herself she doesn’t need anyone. I wanted to stop the hurt, and I would put my own aside if it meant I could get her back. I’d put the remainders of our hearts back together until it was whole again.
I slept like I had back then, in the back by Lexi’s old gravestone until the rain stopped. I woke up sometime in the early morning, the sun barely peaking up over the trees on the horizon. But when I made my way to the front, the wild flowers were gone. Instead, they were tossed off the porch, emerged in the mud.
How do you put two heart backs together when both were so fractured?