Lost Haven.

"Mamuh! Mamuhmamuh."
My lips lift, despite my name not being the one called. It still made me coo as much to hear her calling to Lexi.
I will admit, it's been both hell and bliss being this close to her and Angela again. I felt a sense of completion being reunited with them, but also slightly empty from having to keep my space. If I wanted to stick around, I had to follow Lex's rules, and that involved no talking, no touching, I couldn't even look her way unless I had to. She was making it as unbearable as it could be for me. But I was still grateful that she was even let me stay and see and raise and care for Angela. Maybe somehow, in some weird unconventional way, we could still be a family.
"No, sweetheart, I'm dada, remember?" I remind her, brushing her hair gently with my fingers.
She gurgles and reaches for my hand to nibble on my wrist. "D-Dada."
"There ya go," I mumble, giving her a smooch on her head before leaving one on her soft cheek. "Good girl."
She giggles and I chuckle, kissing her again. I learned quickly that loved when I blew raspberries into her neck, her foot was her favorite chew toy, and if you tickled her, she'd laugh until she couldn't breathe.
Angela continues to play with her rattle, sitting between my legs on the couch as I attempted to do the whole 'hair' thing. It was an odd thing for 'make ponytails' to be on the list of skills required to be a dad.
I hear the bedroom door open behind me and hold my breath, willing myself not to look. It was always hardest when she woke up because I know how beautiful she could look in the mornings.
"Rise and shine," I greet her, hoping deep down that I could at least get a hostile hello out of her.
She yawns and walks over toward us, allowing me the chance to look up. I swallow hard at her effortless disheveled look.
"I can take her," is all she blurts out, holding out her arms.
I guess I wasn't that lucky.
"It's okay, I've already fed her cheerios," I say almost defensively. It was hard enough that I barely got any time to play with her or watch her. Lex never let me spend any time with the baby before claiming her again.
Lexi frowns as I pick her up to let Angie wrap her arms around my neck. This morning was the most time I've gotten to spend with her.
"I need to feed her-"
"I made her a bottle," I retort, rising from the couch nonchalantly and bounce Angela lightly. Her two small ponytails move from the motion as she giggles, her thumb in her mouth.
She huffs. "How did you even come into my room and take her from her crib without me hearing?"
"Guess I have a gift," I say smugly.
Lexi didn't look happy by any means, but I wasn't going to stand down on this. She didn't get to call all the shots as a parent. Whether she hates my guts or not, Angela was my child, too.
Because I have no boundaries and like to push my luck, I place Angie down in front of me and lean over the counter, letting her play with my jacket. "So, you doing anything later?"
Lex glowers at me before snatching up Angie's rattle. "She needs to be changed."
"Got that covered," I muse, a smirk threatening to grace my lips.
Her jaw sets and she stands rigid. "Her diaper-"
"Oh, come on, I know I'm an amateur, but I'm not an idiot," I scoff, responding to Angela's grabby hands. She wriggles in my arms and I let her down, scooting away quickly on her hands and knees like a lizard. I chuckle. "And before you ask, yes, the floor's clean. Did Ev the favor of mopping."
Lexi sighs and watches Angela closely. She still couldn't quite look me in the eye, and I wondered if it was because she couldn't stand my face anymore, or if she couldn't stand admitting she wanted to look.
That was probably my ego for the most part, but still, a demon could hope.
Angela begins to pull herself up with a chair and Lexi scratches her arm. "She woke up early," she argues halfheartedly. "I'll have to put her down for a nap soon."
"Course you do," I blurt sarcastically, still relaxed. She could try to deter my time with Angie as much as she wanted, but I've proved myself responsible and capable of actually being a father.
Just as she crouches down to call to Angela, she lets go of the chair and balances herself to stand. Both our eyes widen and I push off the counter to walk around. She looks up at us, as if in confirmation she was doing it right. I almost wait for her to fall back and never try again, but she takes a step toward me.
"Angela," her mother says softly, kneeling down.
A grin spreads across my face and I race over to hold her hands for guidance. She walks forward as I walk back, her knees wobbling but still trying.
Letting go for a moment, I take a few large steps back and bend down, my arms stretched out.
"I've got you, darlin'," I coo. "C'mere, jelly bean!"
She stumbles ahead, her arms up as she takes quick steps, a smile on her face. We both gave her encouragement, cheering her on and cooing. I took a few more steps back when she didn't fall and she continued to make her way towards me. It was the most beautiful sight I could ever ask for. Even Lexi laughs a bit and it was contagious. Our baby just walked.
As she falls into me, I scoop her up in celebration before looking at Lexi, and my smile almost instantly falling. She'd stopped smiling. She looked so pale and heartbroken. Had I taken that moment away from her? Was she upset Angela had chosen me over her? I didn't think it's something she would take personally. It seemed like we were both happy about the same thing and that unified us, even if it didn't last. We had shared a moment.
Lex rises to her feet again, her masked expression not changing. "I'm, uh...y-you can nap her. You deserve it."
She turns and makes a beeline for the room, and I hardly get to call out her name before she's shut the door. I stride over and hesitate for the longest on whether to knock on the door or not. I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to steal her daughter away from her. I just wanted for us to try to make this work.
At least we had Angela. This way I could still see Lexi or even be around her. I'd survive off of the moments I could pretend she still loved me and we were a family; the moments where I didn't feel like I was suffocating because I'd lost everything. It might be delusional to pretend, but moments like that...I'd take what I could get.
Sighing in defeat, I cradle Angela and walk back to the small couch, plopping down as I try to get comfortable. After I rest a throw pillow under my neck, I tuck her head under my chin and fall back asleep with a little angel on my chest.
~
Lexi seemed to be in a better mood once she came back out, and I let her have her time with Angela and slowly teaching her to walk. She was happy when she was with her and that's all I wanted for us. Hopefully with time it wouldn't be so divided and our happiness could be one.
By the time eight o'clock hit, Angela was already ready for a bed and I offered to take her to a crib. I was surprised when Lex didn't argue.
"Sweet dreams, jelly bean," I murmur once I've lowered her into her blanket and tucked her in. My fingers instinctively go beneath her pillowcase, where the feather was still safely tucked inside. It was the part of Lexi I could still have.
I close the door behind me, but when I sit back down, Lex is gone. I'm not sure where she disappears to, but she does that every so often, always at night.
"How's it going?" a voice booms and I jump, turning to see Riley leaning comfortably on the opposite wall.
"It's not often for you to sneak up on me," I chuckle, impressed by his ability to not make a sound.
He shrugs. "Practice. But thought I'd stop by considering...you know."
"Yeah," I mutter. "Great timing by the way for you to disappear."
"I had some things to take care of," he replies simply, making his way over to the couch. "But you haven't answered."
I sigh heavily, pushing a hand through my hair and letting it fall to my neck. "It's been...manageable. Lex is tolerating me and we're making progress, far as progress goes."
He raises a brow. "But?"
"But the two of us aren't going anywhere. Whenever I get the chance to talk to her, she disappears."
Ri chuckles and rests his hands behind his head. "She goes out for a drink. She's been doing that lately, though not at the bar since she knows I'll find her there. You're welcome."
I blink, and before I could ask, he waves me away. "Angie's asleep, go find your woman."
I nod off a thank you before calling a shadow, instantly shrouded by darkness as I step inside and picture where I want to be. All I have to do is make out an image of her face, and soon, Im standing in front of a two story building, the bass from the music inside making the outside buzz. There was a line but I walk right up. The security guard stops me. "You gotta wait like the rest of em, pal."
I sigh boredly. "I'm on the list."
"Name?"
I look him in the eye with a grin. "The first one on there."
The man takes a look at his small clipboard and nods slowly, almost as if in confusion, before letting me enter.
I'm intrigued to find it to be a club setting, the strobe blue and purple lights bouncing off all the dancing bodies in the middle of the room. The strobe lights were the only real light source of the room, the rest of the bar and eating area lowly lit.
With a glance over the crowd, I spot her sitting at the bar, being served a drink. She sighs and swirls it, too caught up in her own thoughts to notice me coming.
I easily pluck the drink from her hand and bring it to my lips, feeling the whiskey burn down my throat. "Too strong for you," I say simply, turning to the bartender. "She'll have a Bloody Mary."
"Since when have you thought you could decide what's best for me?" she asks, then fakes a gasp. "Oh wait, that was a while ago."
"Touché, you forgot the part where I was usually right," I throw back.
That earns me a glare and I smirk. "Ah, a reaction."
"How did you know I was here?"
Her eyebrow arches in that extremely sexy way and I lick my lips. "Natural attraction."
She goes to leave, leaving her money on the counter before storming away.
My arm instantly hooks around her waist as I stop her and she grabs my wrist, staring hard at me. "Let go," she hisses through gritted teeth.
In the clearest and most sincere voice I could manage, I say firmly: "I couldn't if I tried."
Lexi blinks up at me, her eyes moving quickly across my face.
"Dance with me," I mumble, because it's all I can come up with on the spot to not make her leave.
"Why would I-"
"Because I think even you get tired of your bullshit, Lex. Give into the want for once."
She stands there, baffled and in disbelief that I'd call her out on it. Or maybe she honestly didn't think I knew. That spark would always be there, whether or not it burnt down. I knew Lexi.
Sure enough, she lets me pull her into the crowd, her body flush with mine as the loud music drowned out anything else. You'd have to get real close to hear each other, and that's exactly what I wanted.
My hands on her hips spin her around, taking her by surprise when I pull her back against me. "I know you miss me. I know you feel it as much as I do."
Her body tenses and my lips nearly brush against her ear. "You can't kill a fire by adding kerosene."
She tries to squirm away, but with little fight. I could feel her breathing change, and her hands were resting over mine on her waist. I bend down further, my mouth dragging along her shoulder up her neck. I nearly moan when I see her tip her head back and eyes close. My hips dig instinctively into hers, and I'm rewarded with the slightest, slowest grinding back in response. I let out a shaky breath and run a hand over body, taking in all that I'd been without, skimming her breasts and feeling her nipple right through her shirt, before resting on the flat of her stomach. All I wanted was to hold her to me, and hoped that just once she wouldn't pull away.
Our bodies move rhythmically, not to the music, but to each other. I could feel the heat between us; the temperature in the room was nothing compared to our confined space. Her hand goes into my hair, gripping the scruff of my neck as she presses and leans back against me. My body screams for more but I turn her gently to face her, head dipping down to almost meet hers. For a moment, we stood there suspended in time. Each breath exchanged made me feel like a thirsty man in the Sahara desert, with the illusion of water appearing before him.
Our noses touch and I let my eyes drift closed, remembering and cherishing this moment in case it never happened again.
But God seemed to finally be giving me a break and our lips meets, hungry and anxious and desperate, re-familiarizing the other's mouths. I grip the back of her head and deepen the kiss, my tongue tasting every corner it remembered. I shiver when she sinks into me, gripping my shirt and kissing me back with twice as much fervor. It had been so long that it left the both of us starving.
Almost as soon as it had started, it was over. Lexi pulled away gasping, her head still nestled against mine. I cup her cheek as we catch our breaths, and her eyelashes flutter up at me.
That doesn't count," she whispers. "It can't."
"Can this?" I mumble, but she moves away before I can make contact. She shakes her head. "N-No, John. It can't."
My jaw clenches as my eyes loosen around her, but not removing them. "How does it not count, Lex?"
She averts my eyes, and even in the low light I could tell she was blushing. "You caught me at a bad moment. I-I was vulnerable and already a few drinks in and-T-That can never happen again."
"Can't or won't?"
She stares at me, her brows creased. "Both."
I square my shoulders and sigh deeply, tempted to just kiss her until she stopped fighting it. But I knew it would take time. I'd known that coming into this and I couldn't rush it.
My lips lift slowly as I release her. She could argue all she wants that she didn't miss me.
I have that kiss as proof.