Lost Haven.

I woke to a soft cooing, the kind of gentle gurgling that can only be heard from an infant. I let my heavy lids slowly open, glancing across the room at the figure standing by it. I could tell by the light hair and thin lanky frame that it was definitely not Riley.
I sit up slowly, trying not to glare at John for holding her without my permission. But the way he was smiling at her and cradling her, I didn't have the heart to say.
"What are you doing here?" I mumble for lack of words.
"I promised her I'd be here the next time she opened her eyes," he said matter-of-factly, as if it was the simplest thing. "I'm set on not breaking those anymore."
The word alone made my insides start to feel hollow so I change the subject. "Why are you in my room?"
"Ri told me to wake you."
Of course he did.
As if on cue (or was listening from the other side of the door), Riley pops his head in with a half innocent smile. "Heeey there sleepy head. Mind a guest or two for breakfast?"
I glare at him. "Or two?"
"Mal wanted to stop by."
I groan and he lets himself in further, crossing his arms. "Oh come on, I bet you won't feel that way once you see the breakfast I made." He smiles over at Angela and baby talks. "And some chocolate chips for the princess. Your favorite, isnt that right, Emi?"
John looks over with a raised brow. "Emi?"
"He got drunk once," I gruff, climbing out of bed, forgetting but not caring that I was only in a shirt and some undies. "It was a joke and it stuck."
He nods, and he seemed a bit saddened by it.
I chose to ignore it.
Reaching out for Angela, I wait for him to hand her to me. John hesitates but gives in once he's planted a kiss on her forehead.
The kitchen was a mix of aromas, from an obvious extended use of flour plus the smell of something burnt. There was also bacon.
I sit Angela in her booster while I attempt to wake up. I move past Riley and his stacks of food, reaching for the coffee pot.
Keeping my distance, I don't argue when John asks for her eating habits. He seemed to want to take care of her and know how to try to pick things back up. As mad as I was, and as unready as I was to forgive him, I wouldn't impose on him fathering Angela.
And she actually looked...happy. She didn't treat him like a stranger. I havent know heard her cry. She simply let John feed him small pieces of pancake, and she giggled when she threw a piece at him and it whacked him in the nose. She followed suit, flinging her smal hand and smacking his cheek lightly. He turned his head and faked hurt to make her laugh harder. He laughed in response and kissed her hand before gobbling at it.
Ri notices me watching and side glances at me as he takes a bite of bacon. "You look deep in thought."
I roll my eyes and walk over before I could dump my coffee on him.
Angela had smudges of chocolate on her fave and I chuckle, reaching to wipe it off. John seems to think the same and our hands brush, making my heart clench oddly. I didn't know if it was a feeling of longing or a feeling of regret.
"Uhm, I should probably go change her," I mumble, clutching under her arms but he stops me.
"I-I'll do it," he blurts, his cheeks flushing. "If you'll let me, I mean."
I swallow, considering but unsure. I dont know how ready I was to let him take over. I was so used to doing everything myself.
Regardless, I nod, but go with him to show him where everything was. I hand him a fresh diaper without a word and lean on the dresser, watching him lay her on the bed and change her effortlessly, his face relaxed and calm. It was almost like second nature to him.
"You do that really well," I muse, an attempt at making conversation.
His lips tilt up and he secures the straps. "I'd help my mom sometimes change my brothers."
"You lied when you said you were an amateur then."
"I was trying to impress you," he confesses, a hint of a smirk on his lips.
I was slowly learning to tolerate him again. We'd gotten to the point where we were at least comfortable around each other, and would quarrel or playfully taking shots at each other occasionally, just for banter's sake. His teasing, though, reached a whole different level. He still tried to reinstill what happened the other night. And as much as I tried to deny what happened, or say it didn't count, we both know it happened and we both felt what we felt.
John set Angela down and let her waddle out of the room to her 'uncle.'
The room was thick with something I didn't recognize anymore. Or at least I didn't want to.
"Lexi," he starts, and I knew that we'd finally pushed it off long enough. It was time to stop avoiding this talk and lay it all out. "You've had every reason to hate me and be upset with me. But why are we torturing ourselves? Why do we keep pretending like we don't want us to work again?"
"Because you turned your back on us," I whisper, too tired of keeping up that front anymore to simply yell. I needed to be sincere.
He shakes his head fervently, moving closer. "Lex...I left because I thought it's what was best. I thought it would protect you. I needed to be sure that...that nothing would be a threat or danger to my family anymore."
"And that's supposed to change how I felt?" I snap, my brows furrowing.
He sighs frustratingly, sounding like the centuries had finally caught up to him and were dragging him down. "No, it's not. It doesn't. But baby I didn't just go to take a year off because I wanted to. That wasnt some way of me finding a way out from responsibilities. I'm not saying your heartbreak doesn't matter, but this is about so much more than our feelings, darlin'. This is about our daughter."
I clench my jaw and square my shoulders as I jab a finger into his chest. "A daughter that you chose to leave behind. You chose to fight your battle alone instead of being with your family and getting through this together. You were gone a year, John."
"Our daughter's life was at steak!" he yells. "You know I didn't just do this for no reason! Our daughters life was on the fucking line! I expected you to understand that! YOUR life was on the line! I wasn't going to let you two anywhere near that. I couldn't risk it, I couldn't risk you, Lexi."
I could feel my chin threaten to quiver so I turn away and shake my head. "I just can't see why you could have told me. I spent /months/ thinking what I did wrong. You could've told me and we could have planned-"
"Because you would've come after me," he answers without even blinking. "I know you better than you know yourself. And you would've done the exact same thing. You'd have marched right on out of my life if it had been you, if it meant keeping us safe. You're justified in your pain and being angry with me, but I'm justified in my reason for leaving." I feel his hand brush over my shoulder, hovering over it just barely, as if he wasn't sure it was okay to touch me. "I'm sorry I hurt you Lexi, I can't fucking say that enough, but I will never regret it because our daughter was in danger. Her life was at stake and it's our job to take care of her no matter what. There were bigger things on the line than your heart. And I will do everything I can to mend it if you just give me a chance-"
"Maybe I don't want to!" I crack, pushing his hands off of me and staring him in the eye. I couldn't hold back anymore and I shook as I spoke. "Maybe, I'm too scared to let you back in now. Did you ever think of that? It's been a long time and I just can't let my guard down after what you did. Maybe I'm sick of you always being the one to play hero. I'm sick of you having to protect us."
His eyes soften, going an insane bright green like he was a living being again. He looked just like before any of this ever happened. Before when he looked at me like that and I was more than happy to melt into his arms.
"You're wrong."
I stare at him, angry and hurt and torn down and confused. "What?"
"I'm not the hero. You more than anyone should know that, darlin'."
His fingers glide along my cheek, the contact making me suck in a breath.
"You saved me more than one way. You've saved me in every way imaginable, in more ways than you know how. I would not be here if not for you, Lexi O' Callaghan. Don't forget that. I'm a part of you as much as you are me. Without you, I'm broken." He shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm only half complete."
I blink, completely astounded. He'd taken me from the inside and pulled me out and kneaded me into his hands and I hated it. He knew that I could never not forgive him after saying that and I was convinced that the whole thing had been a lie. That he was just manipulating me.
"And if I said no?" I croak. "If I still didn't want it anymore?"
"If you say no, then I'll respect that and continue to be a loving father to our little girl. I-If that's what you really want and need to be happy, then okay."
"That's it? You're not gonna argue with me?"
"Im done arguing," he says in a tired voice. "And I've put you through enough, darlin'...I-I guess I shouldn't call you that anymore." He pauses, bracing himself. "Are you? Saying no?"
"No, I just didn't expect for it to be that easy for you."
His brows furrow. "You think this is easy? Letting the love of my life go is somehow easy? I feel like I've lost everything if I don't have you and Angela. But I would if you needed me to."
Ripped apart, I could do nothing but try and hold myself together, not meeting his eyes, unable to deny his gentle caress offering me comfort.
"If you don't...if you can't trust or love me anymore then I understand. You deserve to try and move on, Lex. Hell, I'd even be okay if you wanted to be with that guy. Even if I hated every living moment of it, as long as you were happy, I wouldn't try to-"
"What?" What was he talking about? What guy? How would he even know about a guy? "How did-" Realization dawns on me and I could feel my eyes go dark. "You've come back here. You were here, you...you spied on me! You saw Angela, didn't you?!"
He realizes his mistake and his face goes pale, slightly going to his knees. "L-Lex-"
"You lied! You went behind my back even when you weren't here and you saw her! And lied about it! You fucking came back playing victim and you LIED!!"
"No, j-just please let me explain, fuck, I just needed to-"
"NO!!!" I shove him to the ground, my eyes burning with tears and rage. "I'm tired of this! Rot in fucking hell, John-"
He exhales like he's out of breath and moves toward me. I could hear the small whimper. "Please, don't do this. Don't throw it all away."
I could feel my head burning. I wanted my hands around his neck. I wanted my hand through his stomach. I wanted to rip out his heart much like he had mine. It all felt like a lie. He manipulated me just like he always had. He had me let him back into his life, knowing he had always been in reach when I needed and hated him most.
"I just needed to check in on you," he whispers weakly, kneeling at my feet and gripping my ankles. "It killed me without you."
With a growl, I pick him up with one arm and fling him across the room, hitting the wall and bursting right through it. I could see Riley in the kitchen, a spoon halfway to Angela's mouth, his face and stance frozen as he stared. It wasn't until then that Angela began to wail, startled by all the noise.
I hear the sound of clicking footsteps mixed in with the sound of the rubble and wood tumble to the floor. Mal stops at the door, takes a glance around, and says with a straight face, "Did I come at a bad time?"
I watch her punch him, dust off her hands, mutter "good," and walk back out.
I was tempted to do the exact same.
~
Riley had to call Evangeline in from the city to find a way to calm me down before I could do anything drastic (more drastic than a whole in a wall anyway). And it wasn't a "let me talk you down" type of calming, more of a "you're going to be out like a light in five seconds."
I awoke with an aching head and weak body, Ev standing over me with a gruff face, not nearly as amused as I would imagine her.
Taking a disoriented look around, the debris still scattered on the ground, I sit up with a wince. "What...what-where is he?"
Ev sighs. "Oh Lexi. I never thought this would be more of a mess than it ever was."
I clench my jaw. "Where is he, Ev? More importantly, where is my daughter?"
"He's cherishing his last moments with her, or so he claims. He's convinced you won't ever let him see her again."
"He'd be right," I growl and rise to my feet. How dare he. How dare he even touch her. He didn't have any right.
I sniffed him out like a dog. It was pouring outside but I could hear Angie's cries. I run to the back, following the sound, and he's crouched on the steps, holding her out in front of him, trying to rock and soothe her. It made me so angry that I could feel the ball of fire already growing at my fingertips.
Until I heard him, completely broken and raw:
"I don't deserve you."
The small part of me that was still hurt forced me to stop in my tracks. His voice had never sounded so...wrecked.
"I hate that I allowed myself to lose it all. The two most important things I ever had. You were everything that mattered and I tried so hard to protect you when really you just needed someone here. They should've protected me from you."
"I still remember the first time I saw her. I could feel the world shift when I saw those beautiful eyes. I always thought she could just be a second chance at life, but I never knew that she would be my life. I used to wish I would have stayed away so she could have been safer and lived a normal life." He laughs breathlessly and I could picture the soft smile. "But I'm glad I didn't because we wouldn't have had you. But maybe she can be with him. I just hope she knows she couldn't have loved me better and that she can move on. I want her to. Thats the least I can do for her. I know I did it all wrong but it was just too hard. I couldn't stay away from my angel and my light."
He slowly rises to his feel, cradling her into his bare chest as her crying ebbs to a soft whimper. He rolls his shoulders, and I see it then as he turns. Etched dark into his skin in cursive letters, were our names, arches along his back symmetrically to appear as wings. I could only gasp softly.
"I'll never stop loving her. I swore loving her from a distance was enough and it is. I just wish I could go back and stop myself from hurting her. Can you imagine? If everything had just gone right and we were happy? I could've seen your face when you saw a Christmas tree for the first time. I could have heard your first word. I could've taught you to crawl and given you raspberries and your mother would still love me."
I could feel heart aching almost in relief. I didnt realize I was crying and that the wet streaks on my cheeks were my own tears until my vision was too blurred. If things had gone right, he wouldn't have gotten in this mess. He wouldnt have felt the need to lie.
"Thank you for keeping me going babygirl. Im sorry I failed you. Im sorry I couldnt make you both happy at the same time."
Maybe I was the one wrong. It felt like everything I'd done was wrong. This felt wrong. Was I really giving up and letting go of all the promises we made to each other? Broken or still pure, they were ours to have.
"I want you to know something, Angela," he sniffs softly. "And I know you can't ever remember but I'll write it to you one day and you deserve to know the entire truth so I won't lie. But just know I did everything I could to protect you. To make your mom happy. To fix the things I've done. I guess I'm just not meant to be happy, but I fought for you and one day you'll be happy with someone and you won't want to let them go. Don't. Please for the love of God don't. Love him just as much as I know he's going to love you. And if you ever need me, I swear I'll try my best to be there somehow. Whenever you need me, whenever you feel lost and afraid, I'll keep you safe."
I couldn't let him go. I couldn't. I couldnt tear him from his daughter and I can't let him think that all he ever did was make my life miserable. He made me happier than I ever remembered before this all happened. He loved me like no one ever could or would have loved me and he literally went through hell and back. Just for me.
And all I could think of was that I was upset that he ever left.
But it hadn't been about me. Maybe it had before but things had been different. Things changed when we had Angela. I was selfish and self centered and I took everything to the heart because I was too blind. I hadn't put my heart aside and I failed to see everything he did was for her. For his daughter; for his family.
It was all so clear and I hated myself but I was still conflicted but if I didn't stop him he might not want to come back even if I did forgive him. He'd think it was what was best like he always thought our lives would be without him and I couldn't.
"John," I call out, moving faster to the steps until I was all but jogging in the rain. He snapped around and held Angela just a little bit closer when he saw me.
I could hear him start to ramble and beg to just give him a few more minutes, eyes heavy and pleading, and all I could do was clash my body against his and feel his lips like fire against mine; like the first drop of gasoline to a rising ember, it all burst to flames.
They meshed and they fused and they tangled together so desperately I was at a loss for anything else except the ability to feel him.
I continue to kiss him deeply, my hands on his face, and I could feel him winded, his arm around my waist and his fingertips splayed across the small of my back. I've been so long without him and his touch that I forgot the passionate flutter in the pit of my stomach.
Pulling away gently as I cup his face, I watch the tiniest smile pull at his lips. "This isn't a dream, is it?"
I feel a helpless laugh leave my lips, realizing I'm soaked and he's perfectly dry except for his damp chest. Calling Calling over the pummeling rain, I grip the gruff of his neck. ""I'm sorry John. I-I'm so s-sorry."
"Don’t be. I can breathe again. I have my angel back."
"I’m not cold anymore."
"Me neither."
I run my fingers gently over the ingrained letters, stull in awe. They were done so beautifully and so precisely, and now they were permanent marks on his skin.
"You're what kept me going, doll," he murmurs, as if in a breath he would lose me. "You have and always will."
I feel my chest fold in and eyes well up with tears. "Don’t you ever leave me again. Not ever. Promise me you meant all of it. That you never stopped loving me. That you'll always be there for Angie."
He cups the back of my head and bends down to look into my eyes. "Never, baby. Not for one moment. I wouldn't even exist if I lied about loving you, Lexi." He looks between Angela and me, holding us to him. "All I ever wanted was to keep you both safe and happy, I didn't care if that meant not having me in your life."
"It couldn't ever be happy without you," I whisper.
He half smiles, a look of relief and deep sentiment as he raises his brows. "So is this my second chance? We're gonna try again? We're gonna fix us?"
"Promise me you won't miss a day of this one’s life?"
"I swear."
I merely kiss him again, because I've been too stupid to realize when you love something this much, you hold onto it for dear life. You hold onto it and never let it go and if it gets away, you go after it, and if you get away, then it'll keep you coming back.
Because promises aren't meant to be kept, and they're not meant to be broken.
Theyre meant to be had.
********
"You're wrong."
"No I'm fucking not."
"Babe, I was there. I watched it when it first came out. You can look it up on Google all you want, that's not how it happened."
"You're old. Your memory's foggy."
John rolls his eyes. "Han Solo didn't shoot first. The original version is way different."
"Ding dong you're wrong," I hum, prancing through the kitchen, the hint of a smile on my face. I peel a banana and rip a piece off with my teeth while making total direct eye contact. "Han shot first."
"Is that supposed to mean something? Because the way you're eating it makes me equally as turned on as it does uncomfortable."
"Good."
He laughs and makes his way over to me, catching my waist from behind and kissing my shoulder before taking a chomp.
"That was my banana!" I complain, elbowing his stomach. Angela giggles, making grabby hands. She starts to pound on the table when he spins me around to kiss me, and I gasp when I hear the rapid whips of fire shoot out from her tiny hands, the balls just barely missing one of Ev's plants.
"We need to get that checked out," John jokes before moving over to her. "My little firecracker!"
He flips her upside down, making her squeal and laugh as he tickles her ribs.
"I forgot about that," I joke, feeling my stomach grumble as he continues to jostle and shake her. I wasn't going to clean up any barf as a result of that.
John easily flips her over his shoulder and sighs before tugging at my waist. "So listen...there's something I've been wanting to ask you."
"Does that something include me doing that thing you like?"
He smirks. "Now why would you think that?"
I chuckle, just as Riley walks in with an armful of groceries and our Sonic order, a bag of chips dangling from his mouth. "Back."
I gasp and break myself out of John's grasp. "My hero! Thank you."
I can hear him whine behind me but ignore him as I tear into the bag, moaning in relief. I missed junk food.
"Yeah uhm, trying to ask something here."
"Is it for that thing you like?"
He rolls his eyes before shooting him a jealous glance.
Nibbling on the potato chip, I hum as I make my way back over. "Alright, what is it?"
He chuckles. "Y'know, I imagined this being a lot more intimate and you without a load of chips in your mouth." His hands go to his pockets as Angela runs and hugs his leg. "But there's something I wanna show you. Something I've always wanted to do but...I've never wanted to alone."
I hear his serious tone and put the bag down. "Yeah? What is it?"
He smiles and looks down at Angela before holding his hand out to me. "Come with me."
Eyeing him suspiciously, I link my hand with his as he untangles Angela's arms. "Mommy and daddy will be right back, okay?" He looks over at Riley, who gives him a nod. "We'll be right here. Right, Angie?"
She giggles and nods before making grabby hands for her dad, making him bend down so she could kiss his cheek.
The next moment, I watch a shadow open before me, open and portal-like, inviting yet daunting at the same time. I look at John once more before both of us step through.
After just a few steps in silence, he pauses. "Close your eyes."
"I already can't see you, Jo-"
"Just do it."
Sighing, I shut my lids and my mouth follows. He tugs me along, guiding me through the hushed voiced and other travelers. Soon the voice ebbs, and the next step I take is real, more firm, causing a soft rustle. The air smells of pine and the breeze that touches my skin is cool.
His voice is at my ear and his hands on my arms are light. "Open your eyes."
The light that appears before me is almost surreal. In a vast array of greens and purples and pinks and blues and every other color that I don't think had a name swirl before me in a wave, gentle and serene, soundless, yet it felt like a symphony.
I blink in astonishment as it takes up the whole sky. It made the stars, if there even were any, look dull. John's lips press to my shoulder and I continue to stare, mesmerized.
"The northern lights? I...it's beautiful."
"It was on my bucket list for the longest time, back when I was human," he admits quietly.
I turn to look at him, the colors reflecting on his face and bouncing and dancing over his green specks. "So...why didn't you when you learned how to travel? Why did you bring me here."
"Because I didn't want to go through the darkness alone," he whispers. "And because I wanted to show you that you've always been my light to guide me. And because something this otherworldly makes you realize how small we truly are, living or not, and that there's more out there that we don't even know about."
He raises his hand to my cheek, as if tracing or following a speck and smiling. "The funny part is that I don't even care about any of it. You are my world, Lexi, and I'm so grateful to be a part of yours, in this immense universe. And I know sometimes you doubt me, hell, I doubt me too. I'm constantly living in the fear that I'm going to screw up and lose the greatest thing in my life and that greatest thing is you. Again. But I want you to know that I promise to prove myself so that you never doubt what we have again. I want to fix us, darlin’. Because we've sacrificed too much to just let us be broken, and because I love you."
My lip trembles and I swallow the lump in my throat. "J-John-"
Without waiting for my input, he reaches inside his jacket and reveals a feather. But from the second I lay my eyes on it, I know it's not a simple feather. He's never let it go.
"You remember this, Lex? What we fought so hard for for so long? I always tried to protect you. And I know I couldn’t save you from the evils of this world or from me. But I will never stop fighting for you. If I left, it was because I made the promise to always keep you safe. Your life means more to me than my selfishness to have you by my side ever will. And this..." He gestures to the dancing lights. "This is what my love for you looks like. This is what I will always try to accomplish."
I can't help from throwing my arms around him and never wanting to let go. I can't believe I ever let go in the first place. This has always been my safe haven and he's found me a home, and he was it.
"I'll always love you," I croak, my voice thick with emotion. "Whether the rest of forever looks like this or it's pitch black. I'll never turn you away so long as you don't."
He sends me a sheepish grin and bends down a bit. "Promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to burn," I say, like it was pure habit.
He looks at me with such yearning and such admiration that I wasn't such how I wasn't-
He wipes my cheek - guess I was - before resting a hand on my belly. "And I promise you, that I won't ever leave you or this family again. I won't miss a day. I'll crawl through hell on my knees before I let that happen." He kneels down then, placing a kiss on the round ball my stomach was beginning to form. "I won't make the same mistake with you, little one. Daddy's gonna keep his promise."
~*nine years later*~
"Dylan!! Would you stop running and just give your brother the-"
There's a crash and I groan, hiding my face in my hand, feeling the source of a headache coming on.
Angela chuckles from her spot on the couch and stands. "I'll check it out."
"Thank you," I mumble, squeezing around the kitchen counter to reach the cluttered table while I was making dinner.
John enters just then, grinning like a fool. "Hey, sweetheart."
"Hi," I sigh, too tired to ask why he was happy as he kisses my cheek. "I have a surprise."
"What's that?"
There's yelling from the other room and he chuckles. "What did they break now?"
I glare. "What is it, John?"
He bites his lip and makes me face him fully, cupping my face before moving his hands to my hips instead. That let me know that he wanted my full attention, and whatever he was about to tell me was more substantial than just 'I found a babysitter.'
He smiles again before dropping his hands. "I wanna show you something."
I groan again. "John, I don't have-"
But I'm reeled into the darkness before I have a chance to say no.
His laugh rings in close distance and I save my bitch face for when we get to wherever we were going.
Our bodies grow heavier and I see the feint dim light begin to open before us. I blink to adjust and am confused as I look around the familiar towering trees. "Why are we at Ev's?"
He takes a deep breath and starts to pull me to the hill downwards to the house. "We're getting cramped in that little apartment and I know you've been pestering me to find a new place and I know you think I keep blowing it off and making you mad. You think I'm not taking it serious but that's not what it was. I just needed to wait until I was finished."
I shoot him a baffled look until my eyes fall upon the house and I gasp. I can see a new corner draped by a large blue sheet, and a new porch that wasn't there before and a wing on each side, and not to mention a second floor. How this was even the same house I didnt understand, but there it was. The same as we left it when we finally decided that it was time to give Ev a break from us and let her be. She passed only a few months later, when Angela was still little and before her brothers were born, and it was hard on all of us. Riley did something special for her and we all met up before laying her to rest in her backyard, by John's magnolia's, to which she once admitted were her favorite.
"I didn't tell you but she left me her will," he says in a soft voice. "She said to do what I wanted with 'the ratty old place,' but it was mine if I wanted it. She thought it would hold something for us since we were there for so long and-"
I don't even let him finish before burying myself in his chest. My heart tinged, overwhelmed with what they had both done. I never understood where he spent all his time away and now I know. He was taking what had once felt like home and transformed it into so much more. The bad memories didn't even matter anymore. We still had left behind so much light, and it stayed there to drown out the dark. Part of me thinks it was Evageline's doing, using her magic to purify the house or something, but whatever it was, I was so grateful for it.
"I can't wait for you to see inside. Everything's pretty much the same," he continues. "I did replace the floorboards though. I just didn't ever want to remember...y'know."
"I don't know what to say," I whisper, staring up at him so full of love that I thought I would burst at any moment. How would I carry this around with me all the time for the rest of our lives?
"Don't," he muses with a smile. "I just hope that we can make this a good home for the kids."
"It will," I answer, instantly knowing. It would always be more than a home.