Lost Haven.

Everyone has shown up, though I don't recall Riley ever calling them, at least in my presence. They were cramped in the kitchen, some of them with coffee in their hands while they sat around the table, and others just stood aimlessly leaning against the wall. It was silent for the most part, and it felt partially like a meeting. I just wanted to be alone.
I couldn't really pay attention to what was being said. I felt numb; even with the baby cooing and gurgling happily in my arms, there was an absence in my chest. I felt hollow and empty.
And I ached. I ached from all the crying I'd done earlier, and I ached from the question throwing itself against the walls of my heart, thrashing about, only to come to a dead end, as it has again and again, only to come into contact with the cold hard reality that he was gone.
Mal was the first to speak up, rising from the table. She looks angry. "So what, this asshole just disappeared and left his not even week old daughter? And his wife?!"
"What about all of us?" Jared mumbles from his spot near the counter. "I can't believe that John would just drop it all, and for what? I don't buy it. It's gotta be a set up."
"Then how do we explain the note?" Kennedy asks.
"Forged."
Riley merely shakes his head sadly, resting his hand on my shoulder. "I've known John for years, and longer than any of you. I can recognize his writing-"
"Yeah?" a voice booms, and my attention is brought to a brooding Eric in the corner, crushing a cigarette out under his boot. "If you know him so well, then how do you explain him leaving, huh? What's your reasoning for that?" His tone was cynical, and he was all but glaring at the fallen angel. I couldn't help but wonder if there was a hidden history between the two, or if his bitter attitude was just because of the situation and stress it was making everyone feel.
"You're right, let me ask him," Riley says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Since we're doing such a fucking fantastic job figuring that out."
I watch Pat step forward when Halvo tries approaching Riley. "Guys, chill out. This isn't g-gonna help us get anywhere," he rationalizes.
"He's right," Garrett offers beside Tim, who crossed his arms and nodded. "If we want to find him, we have to work together."
Ri clenches his jaw as he continues to face off with Eric and Mal scoffs. "What part of, 'I'm leaving all your stuff and a mysterious note' didn't you guys get? Or is there something I'm missing? Because from what I can tell, I don't think he wants to be found. And I don't think he plans on coming back, either."
A knot tightens in my throat at the words, feeling sick. She had a good point and I hated to admit it, but that was the truth. Whatever the reason might be that he left, it was clear that he thought not returning was a likely possibility. Why else would he leave so discreetly? He did it so that he didn't have to face my anger and my heartbreak. He wouldn't have left without telling me if it meant otherwise.
I tried to make sense of it. I had thought something was up, but I was sure it was nothing more than the dreams he had told me about. Was that even true? He had been acting so strange, and I had convinced myself that that was just him being John.
My stomach pangs at the thought of his name and his memory. It felt so permanent, so final. Like I would never see him again.
Why did he have to go?
I felt like I've been stripped of everything, just like I had in the very beginning. But this was so much worse. Before, I had been robbed of my home, my sense of safety, my family, my friends, but John had quickly become all of that for me. He was my everything. He was my safe haven, and now I had nothing left but the little girl in my arms. She'd be the reminder of the one thing I had cared so deeply about. She was all that I had left now. And suddenly, nothing seemed more important than making sure that Angela would live a happy life, that I made up for her father leaving, and the life he was leaving behind. Because now that I've lost him (it really feels like I lost him), I had no choice but to be the haven my daughter would need me to be.
"I don't see any other way to explain this," Ken mutters, insinuating that Mallory might be right.
Riley walks back towards me and squeezes my shoulder again, as if trying to soften the blow of what they were accusing John of. Maybe they weren't all saying it, but they were sure as hell thinking it.
He clears his throat and eyes the floor, not quite able to look anyone in the eye. "I am positive that whatever the reason may be, his intentions are good and that he's not trying to hurt Lexi or-"
"Why are you standing up for him?" I ask, my voice sounding harsher than I thought. It was my turn to talk. "Why are you speaking of him with such jurisdiction? Are we just supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt, just because we think we know him better than that?" My chest constricts and I could feel my throat threatening to close up as I stand. His words from months ago come floating back to me and I voice them. "At the end of the day, he's still a demon. He's hurt me before, and he blamed it on the way he is. He can't always be good, and there's nothing outside his nature he can do about that." My eyes sting pathetically as I hold the baby warm against my chest. "It's bullshit, but if he doesn't want to take responsibility of his actions, then that's fine by me. Not like it matters anyway. He's not here either way to own up to anything."
Not a sound was made as it goes completely quiet. I was sure I'd be able to hear a pin drop. The silence was almost deafening and I could feel the words echoing in my own head. They knew I was right. He liked to run away from himself, because he just couldn't accept that bad things happen to good people, and now he was forced to live an eternity he didn't want.
Maybe that's why he left. Maybe he didn't want me or Angela around as a burden that reminded him every day of what he was, of the endless future in front of him. Maybe he preferred spending his life with countless women. Maybe it really was in his nature all this time, and he was bound to leave from the start.
I feel the vows and promises ringing inside my body like a melancholic drug, nostalgia flowing through my veins and reaching the deepest corners of my heart. They had meant so much then. Had I really been so naïve to believe that he could keep them for forever?
My legs begin to wobble and I shake my head. "I'm going to my room. Excuse me."
Their eyes were on me as I walked further down the hall and made the left into the room, ducking out of sight. A small sob escapes me at taking in the furniture and the room that was now only mine. It was suffocating to be in here, as if the memories were slipping into my mouth and causing my throat to burn. I had no idea what to think or feel. All I knew was the turmoil inside me, threatening to swallow me whole.
I hear when the guys and Mal leave, and I can't tell if Riley has left with them. But the sob escapes my throat, unable to wait to find out. I couldn't keep it in anymore.
Laying Angela safely in her crib, I try to keep my chin from quivering as I plop down on the bed but fail. I bury my head in my hands, pulling at my hair, forced to listen to the pathetic whimpers and sounds leaving my mouth, suffocating more by the minute. The anger boils in my blood, slowly reaching my brain and making me cry out in frustration. I fling the pillow in my lap at the other side of the room, grabbing the other to send it to the ground. The next one I grab is tight in my hands, and I feel the dark swallowing my eyes. I clutch the fabric, tearing at it between my fingers as I growl through clenched teeth. The case rips along with the pillow, sending the feathers spilling out. My head feels heated but my spirit is broken.
I didn't expect for John to break my heart.
My arms go limp as I leave the pillow at my feet, drawing my knees up to my chest. It feels tight and heavy, making breathing harder. I struggle for air, hiccuping and wishing this emptiness to just go away.
Angela's soft crooning reaches my ears and I look up, my vision blurred. I notice the white out of the corner of my eyes, sucking in a breath. The feathers gathered at my hips, creating a circle around me. I feel them brush against my skin but it's not until I watch a single feather raise from the top of the pile, only to sit on my thigh. I stare at it in confusion before watching another lift, then another. The feathers were like a soft kiss, a blanket of warmth and comfort. It almost felt like they were telling me that I wasn't alone.
I look over to the crib, and see Angela's bright violet eyes looking back at me through the bars. She wiggles around, a small smile appearing on her lips before she squeals. The feathers go flying off of me and I gasp.
It was her.
My heart feels lighter and I walk over to scoop her into my arms. I sit back down, bringing a feather across her nose. Her lips slant up to one side as she reaches out for it. I smile softly, my eyes stinging. "You really are my little angel, huh," I say in a quiet voice, thinking about how extraordinary she was. She was no more than a few days old, and she already had a sense of heart. She wanted to comfort her mother.
She was so special, and I was so lucky.
Holding her close to my chest, I wrap her in her blanket as I kiss her forehead. I realize then how everything would change now. My life wouldn't be anywhere near the same way it was before. However, that's the hand I was dealt and I had to accept that. I would put all of me into giving the life my daughter deserved. I'd teach her to get a hold of her powers, and she'd grow up to have a normal life, as normal as immortality can get.
I wasn't going to let being a single mother change me. Besides, I wasn't alone.
I had an angel on my hands.
~
Two weeks have gone by. I was doing a lot better than in the beginning; I've put my guard up, and I think that worried Riley. He would try to talk to me about John, but I refused to listen. And it wasn't because it hurt (even though it did), but because I didn't want to think about it anymore. I had the baby to look after, and putting my time into asking questions I wouldn't get answers to just seemed pointless.
So I didn't allow my mind to go there. I invested all my time in redecorating the room for a more 'baby' environment. I took over for Evangeline when it was dinner time, and I cleaned whenever it was Angela's nap time to distract myself. Riley was at the store, picking a few things up for me. When he walked in, he noticed I was a little winded after moving the table to the other side of the room.
"Lex?" he mutters, approaching. "You alright? Do you need to sit down?"
I wipe my brow on my forearm and sigh. "I'm fine."
"That's not what I see," he muses.
"Riley, I'm fine," I insist, wiping down the table with the wet rag. "I'm just a little tired, that's all."
He rests a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe you should join Angela. I'll take over from here."
With a glare, I pull away. He was acting like I was vulnerable or fragile. "Would you stop worrying about me?" I snap. "You're acting just like..."
The unspoken word hangs in the air, floating like a ghost.
"Get some rest," Riley whispers. He rubs my back in a silent apology. I knew I was working myself too hard, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be protected anymore. I didn't want to be treated like I wasn't okay.
I was fine.
After checking inside the crib to make sure Angela was still asleep, I pat down her stuffed animals and cushion the sides as extra protection, then collapse onto the bed with a sigh. My eyelids did feel heavy, but I hadn't given it any thought.
Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, the dark peace behind my eyelids exactly what I needed. There was so much static in my head lately that the pure silence took me by surprise.
I recognize a familiar glow, the hue feeling soft and warm as it eases into my mind. A picture grows before me, feeling the soft licks of a breeze and water lingering by my feet. Soon, I'm in the picture myself, walking as I look for a sign of where I was.
The tides were low, the sounds of the waves growing louder while I look around. I was alone and far from the cabin, and I realize then that I'm dreaming.
My hand instinctually goes to the charm around my neck. Was there any kind of hope that I could find John here? That he would come see me and I could convince him to come back?
As angry as I was, I start searching for him, swallowing a knot in my throat. I just wanted an answer, some kind of sign or explanation for him leaving us. He had to have a good reason...right?
"Lexi." The word is clear as day, speaking in a relieved tone and bringing a twist to the pit of my stomach.
I turn to where I heard that unmistakable voice. I expect to see his face staring back at me, desperate and filled with remorse.
"Lexi?"
"John," I call out, trying to pin point where it was coming from. The waves were crashing and making it more difficult to hear.
But the next sound is just a breath, and I hear it. "Lex."
I turn and gasp as I finally face him. He was dripping wet, a strand of hair hanging off his forehead and his white shirt was falling down his shoulder. He looks like he just crawled out of a storm.
And he was grinning.
He slumps forward, his arms wrapping around me as he falls into me. I gasp and cling to him and his warmth. Even with him soaked head to toe, he felt just the way I remembered him.
My head starts swimming as he pushes his lips against mine. He holds my arms to hold me in place, smiling into the kiss.
"John, where have you been," I whisper, wondering why he was acting so relatively calm.
"In the water obviously," he muses. His smirk was so familiar I get deja vu. "I didn't expect it to start raining-"
"You know that's not what I mean," I say, pushing him away. "How could you leave?"
His brows furrow. "Darlin', I left for two seconds. Don't be mad."
Now I was the one who was confused. Why did this scene feel so relatively wrong?
He takes me back in his arms again, sighing. "I'm here, baby. I'm not going anywhere."
"Okay," I hear myself say, my thoughts getting hazier. I was losing control of myself. It felt like...
Like any other dream.
I hold John tighter against me, feeling a sob shake my chest. I had no reasoning for anything anymore; there was no order.
His image soon fades away from me and I feel myself falling, snapping awake. I sit up, feeling the sting in my eyes as I clutch the amethyst and look around me. The realization sinks in slowly and I curl in on myself , feeling pathetic. That wasn't John. He hadn't tried to tell me anything or communicate with me like he would have if it was really him. He was just a figment of my imagination and conscience.
It's how I know he really wasn't coming back.
Clinging to the little I had left of him, I slip back down onto my pillow.
And slip back into the loneliness I swore I didn't have.