Bad Luck Hannah

"So the guys are gonna be there but, like, they're all staying out of the den so we can chill. That is, unless you wanna hang out with them," Josh hastily amended as he trailed behind me through the library as I replaced the books on the shelves. I was pretty sure he had a class right now he was supposed to be in, and what excuse he used to come to the library so often was beyond me.
"No, that's fine," I told him quickly, frowning when I realized the book was going on the top shelf. I usually had to really strain or almost climb the shelves when it was like that. I glanced over at Josh. "Can you...?"
"Oh, yeah, sure," Josh took it from me and placed it on the shelf almost absently, not even seeming to have to strain to place it up there; why did I have to be so short?. "So you don't care to just hang with me then? Devins girlfriend is gonna be over and trust me she's a real bitch sometimes."
I glanced up at him curiously as I started walking along the shelves again. "Why...?"
"She just is. Thinks she knows everything," he muttered a little darkly, shaking his head; his hair was starting to straggle out of his bun this late in the day, and I could tell he was tired. He kept yawning and acting kind of absent, when usually he was very focused.
He honestly had to be one of the most focused people I knew.
Which was weird,
"...Kind of a pain. She's not as bad as Jessica, Rickys girlfriend, though." Josh kept talking as I stepped towards the stairs, and I tried to withhold a sigh; he talked so much. "That girls a real piece of work, you can't believe a word she says. She sleeps with anyone she can."
I sent him a frown.
"I'm serious, don't look at me like that. It's the truth!"
I'd learned a long time ago to make your own impression of people and not rely on what you heard from others, so I would just decide for myself what I thought about his friends girlfriends.
Which reminded me.
Should we talk about that?
The fact he'd called me his girlfriend?
I mean, it was starting to worry me and I didn't want to make it to his house and then blurt it out like an idiot and us fight and I have to walk home.
So should I mention it now?
Would it be weird?
I chewed my lip nervously.
I didn't know what to do.
"What is it?"
"Hmm?" I glanced over at Josh, flushing when I realized he was staring at me.
"You have your thinking face on, what is it?"
I frowned. How would he even know what my thinking face was? He wasn't around me that much.
....
Well, he was actually really good at picking out what I wanted when I chose not to talk to him, which was saying a lot since half the time not even my parents could do that.
Great, just great.
"Nothing." I mumbled, quickly averting my gaze down to the books; it was really taking me a long time to get these put up.
"Hannah, come on, what is it?" he pressed, and I hastily stepped up my pace as I went to the second level of the library, he hot on my heels. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong, I felt really lame about it.
Avoid him it was.
I just ducked my head and quickly walked into the aisles, kind of hoping I would lose him in the back, but he kept up with me well, an irked expression on his face.
Ehhh.
I paused as I slipped another book into place, and I stiffened as I felt his hand slip around my hips. He forcefully turned me around to face him, despite the fact I tried to pull away. I swallowed, staring intensely at his chest so I wouldn't see his face as his fingers tugged on my belt loops, trying to draw me closer.
"Hannah, is it because of earlier?" he sighed after a moment. "Because I jumped all over your brother? I know I shouldn't have said some of that so loud, but ---."
"It's.. It's not that." I muttered awkwardly, wishing he wouldn't... I wasn't comfortable with him touching me like that, and I clutched the books I held tighter to my chest.
Kissing was one thing, but... But I didn't really know him or anything and I didn't want anything from him. At this point I wanted to tell myself I would be okay if he started ignoring me, that it wouldn't hurt my feelings and everything could go back to normal for me.
I was afraid if he kept touching me and being around me, and I grew comfortable with him, it would be so much worse when he inevitably chose to stop talking to me and remember how much of a freak I was.
It would be so much worse then it was now.
And I didn't want that.
"Then what is it?" Josh asked, brows furrowed as he stared at me, and I flicked my eyes up to his face before hastily looking away. I could feel his fingers flex on my hips, and I knew my face was slowly reddening. We were in the library and anyone could walk up right now and ---.
Okay, I just needed to say it, right? I mean, it wasn't like it was that hard to just get a few little words out of my mouth and ---.
"You said I was your girlfriend earlier," I blurted, my face turning crimson. "Why, why did you, you ---?"
Now I was so embarrassed I could barely speak. I looked down, wanting nothing more then to melt down into the carpet under my feet and crawl into a hole somewhere.
I sounded so stupid.
Little words? No. More like explosions of humiliation, and I couldn't even finish my sentence, I just felt so awkward and ---.
"Is that what's bothering you?" He actually chuckled, and I felt his hands relax on me. He'd been tense before, and I wasn't sure why.
"Well, I'm not --- I mean, we're ---." I was floundering for words, what was I supposed to say?
I felt so awkward and stupid.
"We're not dating, I know. I never asked you to be my girlfriend," he shrugged, and then tugged abruptly, forcing me to take a step forward. The books pressed against his chest, the only thing separating us now, and I couldn't imagine my face could get any redder.
"I just said that because it seems to make your brother back off, yknow?" he murmured, raising one hand to my face and brushing my hair behind my ear. "And that other asshole friend of his too."
Jaime.
He really hadn't bothered me any since he'd seen me hanging around with Josh.
"And so, I said it. That you were my girlfriend. Don't take it the wrong way, okay?" Josh continued, his eyes on my lips as he spoke, and I realized I was anxiously biting it. He made me so nervous.
Wait.
What did he mean, don't take it the wrong way?
Was there a wrong way to take it?
I just blinked at him, a little confused.
Did he NOT want me to be his girlfriend?
What was the point of all his attention if he didn't intend on asking me out eventually? I wasn't going to sleep with him, the fact we'd kissed didn't need to make him think I was going to give in wholeheartedly to his unwarranted affections.
I hadn't asked for them, I wasn't, wasn't desperate.
So what the fuck did he want from me then?
Disgruntled, I pulled away, turning my back on him as I looked down at the books in my arms, knowing I needed to get them put up before the last bell or before Mr. Turner called for me to do something else; I shouldn't be lolly-gagging around in the library with Josh anyway, I was supposed to be working and this wasn't cutting it.
"Hannah?"
I mean, I didn't even WANT to be his girlfriend anyway. Our only date had gone to hell, and he said the only reason he'd wanted to hang out with me was because I was the only.girl who'd ever said no to him. Why should I break that now? He didn't like.me for me, he didn't even know me, and ---.
Now I was getting angry, and I stalked down the library aisles, seething over it.
Ugh!
He was so stupid!
I was so stupid!
"Hannah, wait, come on --- are you taking it the wrong way now?" Josh huffed as he hastily followed me. "I didn't mean it in a bad way!"
"Then what did you mean?" I demanded, glaring at him as I shoved a book into where it belonged, not even looking at the shelf as I stared him down, the scent of musty books and cleaner making my nose twitch; we had just cleaned, so it was going to smell like that for a while. And the smell of the cleaner always made me a little sick, which only made the fact I was getting angry even worse.
Why couldn't he leave me alone?
"What do you want from me?" I scowled at him, feeling a little pleased that my voice didn't waver and that I didn't stammer.
He stared at me, looking flustered. His brows furrowed in irritation as he tried to come up with a good answer, but the longer he took, the madder I became, because I knew his answer wasn't going to be good enough.
"What. Do. You. Want. From. Me?" I demanded again, glaring at him, and he quickly averted his gaze to the floor. "Josh!"
He was going to answer me!
"I --- fuck, I don't want anything from you, Hannah," he sighed, slowly raising his eyes to mine. "I just... Like you, and wanna spend time with you and get to know you, I guess. Is that too much to ask?"
"Is it even true?" I muttered, looking away from him, my fingers lingering over the spine of the book. "Because I don't ---."
"Hannah, you're one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen," he stepped forward until he was standing beside me, blocking out the light from the large windows behind him. I glanced at him nervously. "And you have a kickass taste in music, and you're funny once you finally decide someone's worthy of your time," I felt his fingers brush my lower back, and I stiffened automatically. "And you can really fill out a pair of skinny jeans."
My face went red again.
"And you're adorable when you blush," he murmured, his lips close to my ear, and I shivered as I felt his breath against my skin. "How could you think no one would ever like you?"
I looked down, feeling embarrassed.
He had no idea how cruel Jason could be.
"You don't have to be embarrassed, Hannah," he slowly started to pick my books out of my arms, setting them in a space on the shelf before turning me around to face him, hands lightly settling on my upper arms. "You're too pretty for that."
He squeezed my arms before he nudged my face up, making sure my eyes met his for a few seconds before he kissed me, his lips gently brushing mine before settling.
I hesitated a few seconds, unsure.
Did I really want to kiss him back? I wasn't even sure if I liked him.
But then again, it wasn't like anyone else was going to kiss me.
I could at least enjoy this before it all ended in my feelings being hurt.
I sighed, giving in, and his hands slid down my arms and back to my waist, pulling hard enough to bring me against him. I curled my fingers into his hoody, leaning up on my toes to make it easier.
Why was I even kissing him?
He made me so freaking mad all the time!
If I wasn't angry at him, I was thinking about how stupid and annoying he was, how... really nice he could be, sometimes. And how he protected me from Jason when I didn't even realize I needed him to, and....
Well.
So maybe he wasn't all bad, then.
I could feel him relaxing when he realized I wasn't going to push him away, and he turned, pressing me against the shelves, catching me by surprise. I made kind of an "oof" sound as I felt the shelf press against my back, and he took advantage, his tongue tracing my lower lip.
I hesitated.
Okay, now I was in unknown territory again, and I could feel myself tensing, uncertain what to do. I didn't like new things, I didn't like not knowing what to do in a situation or how to handle something, and ---.
He actually chuckled at me.
How was this funny?
"Relax," he breathed, pulling away from me slightly, his eyes hooded as they met mine. "You tense up too much, Hannah. "
I didn't mean too.
"Besides, we got all afternoon to practice," he murmured, his lips trailing across my cheek, making my skin tingle. "And there's a lot we can practice, too."
I think my face turned a new shade of red.