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Alex, Anna, and ED
The Loony Bin
The light peaked in through the tiny hospital window, and I knew it was almost time to get up. The five AM weigh in was about to decide my fate, whether I’d stay in this hell hole or be discharged and allowed to go home. I continued to lie awake in the creaky bed, my mind running with anxiety, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped out of my skin before turning to find Albert, the overnight nurse.
“It’s time to get up, Annabelle!” He exclaimed, way too upbeat for five in the morning. I groaned as he handed me my hospital gown, “Lisa is taking weights and vitals.” I nodded and walked into the miniature, cubicle-like bathroom that was located in the room, stripped naked and slipped on the paper gown.
Albert was now waking up my roommate, Stella, with a few light shakes, also handing over her paper gown. I shyly smiled at them as I walked out into the main room to be weighed, my heart dropping down to my feet. “Good morning, Annabelle!” Lisa, also way too perky for the time of morning, said and motioned for me to stand on the scale. They refuse to call me Anna here due to the association with Anorexia. I gulped and took a deep breath and stepped on backwards, one foot at a time. I couldn’t see her, but I felt her staring intensely at the number, and I could only wonder the number she was looking at. She quickly scratched the number down on my charts, “Okay, now let me get your vitals.” She led me over to the chair, I sat down and let her take my blood pressure and heart rate. She nodded when she finished, “Okay, you’re all done Annabelle, go back to sleep.” I laughed to myself knowing that sleeping on the crummy hospital bed was impossible for me. Also, waking up again in less than an hour is pointless. I returned to my room and sat on the bed.
“Was it bad?” Stella asked.
I shook my head, “I have no idea. I couldn’t read anything on her face, good or bad.”
She reached over and patted my shoulder, “well, it’s my turn now, cross your fingers!” I crossed them and held them up to show her. She smiled and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder, taking a deep breath in, “Okay, I’m ready.”
She came back into the room 5 minutes later with the face of someone who just watched a puppy get kicked.
“That bad?” I asked.
“I was orthostatic.” She sat on the creaky bed and put her head in her hands. “Looks like I’m not getting out today.”
7 AM- Breakfast
The nurse grinned at me while she wheeled the wheelchair to my room. I wasn’t allowed to walk because I might have a heart attack or something. I plopped down in the chair and let her wheel me to the cafeteria.
What I ate:
1 cup of Oatmeal with 2 peanut butter packets mixed in.
1 cheese Danish
1 fruit cup
2 boxes of milk
How I felt:
Fat. But, of course I can’t tell them that. “Fine.” I answered when we were having our after meal reflection. Sharon, the counselor, was grinning at me before she moved on to the next girl. I laid my head down on the table to drown out the group.
8 AM- Free Time
The door to the unit creaked open, and my head shot up to see whom it was. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Dr. Li, I frowned and went back to my crossword puzzle. She should be here any minute, hopefully bearing the good news that I’m being discharged today. We’ve planned my discharge for a week now, but my weight hasn’t met the criteria. Yesterday I forced myself to eat all three meals, plus three snacks, and an extra two Ensures to hopefully put on the pounds, at least for now.
“Are you getting out today?” Erin, the only patient older than me, asked as she sat across from me.
“I hope so.”
“Good luck!” She said.
I never told her that I was possibly getting out. She must have figured because I no longer look sick. I’m just a fat chick now. A fat chick that gets wheeled around in a wheel chair because she’s too fat to walk. Fuck.
“Annabelle!” I heard my name being called from the nurse’s desk. I looked up to find Dr. Li, “I can see you now.”
We went into one of the many empty office rooms to talk in privacy.
She stared at me pointedly, “How have you been feeling?”
Still thinking of my conversation with Erin and feeling like a piece of shit.
“Good.” I faked a smile.
“The nurses and I had a meeting this morning and we think you’re ready to be discharged.”
Now my smile wasn’t fake, “Really?”
“Yes, but treatment doesn’t end here, we are going to recommend you an outpatient team; a therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician.”
I wanted to roll my eyes. This is my, what, fifth - sixth time in the hospital? I know the drill. But I agreed to regularly seeing the outpatient team. Dr. Li handed me a bunch of papers with medical gibberish and a sheet with the name of recommended doctors.
“As of,” She glanced down at her watch, “9 AM, you are a free woman.”
I’m free. I’M FREE! I wanted to shout it all throughout the hospital that I am finally free.
“It’s time to get up, Annabelle!” He exclaimed, way too upbeat for five in the morning. I groaned as he handed me my hospital gown, “Lisa is taking weights and vitals.” I nodded and walked into the miniature, cubicle-like bathroom that was located in the room, stripped naked and slipped on the paper gown.
Albert was now waking up my roommate, Stella, with a few light shakes, also handing over her paper gown. I shyly smiled at them as I walked out into the main room to be weighed, my heart dropping down to my feet. “Good morning, Annabelle!” Lisa, also way too perky for the time of morning, said and motioned for me to stand on the scale. They refuse to call me Anna here due to the association with Anorexia. I gulped and took a deep breath and stepped on backwards, one foot at a time. I couldn’t see her, but I felt her staring intensely at the number, and I could only wonder the number she was looking at. She quickly scratched the number down on my charts, “Okay, now let me get your vitals.” She led me over to the chair, I sat down and let her take my blood pressure and heart rate. She nodded when she finished, “Okay, you’re all done Annabelle, go back to sleep.” I laughed to myself knowing that sleeping on the crummy hospital bed was impossible for me. Also, waking up again in less than an hour is pointless. I returned to my room and sat on the bed.
“Was it bad?” Stella asked.
I shook my head, “I have no idea. I couldn’t read anything on her face, good or bad.”
She reached over and patted my shoulder, “well, it’s my turn now, cross your fingers!” I crossed them and held them up to show her. She smiled and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder, taking a deep breath in, “Okay, I’m ready.”
She came back into the room 5 minutes later with the face of someone who just watched a puppy get kicked.
“That bad?” I asked.
“I was orthostatic.” She sat on the creaky bed and put her head in her hands. “Looks like I’m not getting out today.”
7 AM- Breakfast
The nurse grinned at me while she wheeled the wheelchair to my room. I wasn’t allowed to walk because I might have a heart attack or something. I plopped down in the chair and let her wheel me to the cafeteria.
What I ate:
1 cup of Oatmeal with 2 peanut butter packets mixed in.
1 cheese Danish
1 fruit cup
2 boxes of milk
How I felt:
Fat. But, of course I can’t tell them that. “Fine.” I answered when we were having our after meal reflection. Sharon, the counselor, was grinning at me before she moved on to the next girl. I laid my head down on the table to drown out the group.
8 AM- Free Time
The door to the unit creaked open, and my head shot up to see whom it was. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Dr. Li, I frowned and went back to my crossword puzzle. She should be here any minute, hopefully bearing the good news that I’m being discharged today. We’ve planned my discharge for a week now, but my weight hasn’t met the criteria. Yesterday I forced myself to eat all three meals, plus three snacks, and an extra two Ensures to hopefully put on the pounds, at least for now.
“Are you getting out today?” Erin, the only patient older than me, asked as she sat across from me.
“I hope so.”
“Good luck!” She said.
I never told her that I was possibly getting out. She must have figured because I no longer look sick. I’m just a fat chick now. A fat chick that gets wheeled around in a wheel chair because she’s too fat to walk. Fuck.
“Annabelle!” I heard my name being called from the nurse’s desk. I looked up to find Dr. Li, “I can see you now.”
We went into one of the many empty office rooms to talk in privacy.
She stared at me pointedly, “How have you been feeling?”
Still thinking of my conversation with Erin and feeling like a piece of shit.
“Good.” I faked a smile.
“The nurses and I had a meeting this morning and we think you’re ready to be discharged.”
Now my smile wasn’t fake, “Really?”
“Yes, but treatment doesn’t end here, we are going to recommend you an outpatient team; a therapist, psychiatrist, and dietician.”
I wanted to roll my eyes. This is my, what, fifth - sixth time in the hospital? I know the drill. But I agreed to regularly seeing the outpatient team. Dr. Li handed me a bunch of papers with medical gibberish and a sheet with the name of recommended doctors.
“As of,” She glanced down at her watch, “9 AM, you are a free woman.”
I’m free. I’M FREE! I wanted to shout it all throughout the hospital that I am finally free.