True Colors

If Alex was honest, he really couldn't remember the day he and Jack got married.

He knew he had been completely wasted when their band was in Vegas and he vaguely remembered his vows, but not much more. They had been oh so young, dating at the prime age of eighteen, yet he had been oh so in love with the younger boy wearing a sensitive smile and a huge heart on his sleeve.

Alex remembered how much Jack loved him and he remembered feeling bad for not returning the feeling as strongly. Jack meant everything to him but he wasn't ready to commit his entire life to him then. Jack hadn't been completely sober when he proposed or when they got married the few short hours after, but he was wholeheartedly into Alex. Alex felt guilty all the time, but as of lately, he had been experiencing it more. He didn't feel the same love as he did four years ago.

He didn't adore Jack as much. Personality attributes in him that Alex used to find affectionate and admirable became annoying and tiresome, as did the effort it took to please him.

Alex wasn't quite sure when exactly he had fallen out of love with Jack but he did and he needed to do something about it.
____

The pair was on the floor in their living room after a long tour, heatedly making out. Maybe Alex didn't love Jack anymore, but he sure was hot. He knew what they were doing would lead to sex (Jack preferred the term 'making love') but he didn't want to stop it. Jack was immensely attractive; anyone would have to be crazy to deny him.

It was painful to see the love in Jack's eyes when he knew his only reflected lust. He knew he'd end up hurting Jack more and more each second he lied about his nonexistent love for the younger. But with Jack moaning and strung out beneath him, Alex wasn't really in the mood to say anything. He leaned down to roughly attack his lips, but the taller countered with slow gentleness – like he knew Alex had loved when he was younger. Alex had been into soft touches and caresses to convey love, but that had clearly changed. His goal wasn't to show Jack he loved him (since he didn't), it was just to get off.

The shorter twenty two year old had his hands all over his husband with a determination to memorize every inch of him for the last time. He felt bad that Jack was completely oblivious to the fact he would be leaving him, but lust quickly overrode his senses and judgement as he pulled off his shirt and press his lips to Jack's.

The boy let out a soft moan as he reached up to thread his fingers through Alex's hair and pull, causing his jaw to drop in pleasure just enough for Jack to bite his bottom lip. Alex sighed in content with his chest pressed to Jack's as they kissed, pleasure building by each intensifying minute.

Soon enough, Alex was dragging Jack into their room while the younger sighed with the knowledge that he'd be used for sex for another night.
___

Once the pair come down from their highs, Jack was immediately cuddling into Alex to see if he could get some sort of love out of him.

To Jack's disappointment, Alex pushed him away in favor of putting on boxers and keeping his distance from his husband. The younger sighed and pretended not to be hurt as he curled his own arms around himself to fill the absence of Alex's. He blinked hard and buried his face in a pillow briefly before Alex started to talk.

"Jack, I don't think we should go on like this."

He was blunt and brash at first because he knew he had some explaining to do. Jack pulled his head out of the covers and glanced up to meet the brown eyes mirroring his own. His face practically screamed 'what do you mean?'

"I think we should get divorced."

He was tired and panting and he really didn't feel like explaining but Jack was looking at him with those eyes, those big, innocent, pitiful eyes. Alex started to feel bad but he tried to suppress his guilt until it hit hardest.

"Jack, I just don't think we're the same," explained Alex, looking up into his eyes wide in fear. "I didn't even want to get married! I was wasted."

Those eyes. Jack had the biggest eyes - and the saddest - and he just couldn't keep his sorrow inside. His soon-to-be-ex-husband looked so innocent, so sad, so depressed and miserable. His bottom lip trembled. "Wh-What did I d-d-do wrong?"

"No, no, Jay, it's not you. I just fell out of love," Alex tried to reassure the man lying next to him, but he knew that despite his efforts Jack would still blame everything on himself. He always had blamed Alex's bad moods on himself so he knew this problem would be a heavy burden on Jack's thin and already-worn shoulders.

"No one f-falls out of l-l-love, Alex. There m-must be someth-thing else," he stuttered, looking at Alex with watery eyes.

"Then I guess you marry the people you love and divorce the people you never did."
____

That night, Alex pretended not to hear Jack. He faked sleep, yeah, but he could hear Jack. Of course he could.

The boy was lying right next to him, sobbing his eyes out. He had never heard the man cry so hard. It was difficult for Alex to ignore the twists in his gut or the wrenching in his heart. Though he didn't love him romantically, he was still his best friend and it was painful to hear.

He knew it was his fault though.

And when he woke in the morning to a note on the table placed next to his wedding band and an absence of Jack, he knew that was his fault also.

Especially because the note read 'I love you, even if you don't feel the same.'

Though Alex would never admit it, when he looked at the note he got choked up. A lot of him knew it was right, that he shouldn't continue to lead Jack on to believe he loved him, but a small part of him didn't want the man to leave. After four years together it felt unnatural not to wake up next to Jack smiling at him gently and twirling his hair. But now he could be anywhere. Alex just hoped he wasn't doing anything stupid.
___

Two weeks later, Alex still hadn't seen Jack. And, as much as Alex didn't want to tell anyone, he knew he had to. His parents would be disappointed, his friends would hate him, and he'd feel guiltier himself, but he needed to retrieve the boy with the sad eyes.

He decided to call Matt first, since he was sort of their group’s facilitator, the glue that them together and from crashing a bus or setting something on fire. Yeah, Matt had a really important job.

Alex was pacing back and forth in his room, near the bed where he last saw Jack, with Matt's number typed in his phone and the call button waiting to be pressed. He kept looking back at his unmade bed and how the covers fell, untouched from that night. He had been sleeping on the couch to preserve any last viable remnant from the man, but nothing tangible remained.

The way the sheets fell showed exactly how Jack got out of the bed: he crawled over to Alex's side. Maybe he had stolen a kiss before he left, but common knowledge of Jack told him he just wanted someone to cuddle with. He was upset and probably knew he'd leave in the morning, so he had curled up next to the non-reciprocated love of his life for the last bits of warmth another body would pass to him.

It made Alex's stomach churn in sympathy to think of the boy alone, especially because it was the holiday season. Jack loved Christmas more than anything; it was the only time anyone let him watch the second Home Alone without a complaint. But he was by himself. He could watch the movie whenever he wanted now. But Alex knew he wouldn't because he could only watch a movie comfortable if he was laying with someone.

It took another five minutes of tragic scenarios building and collapsing in his mind to convince Alex to eventually press call.

"Hey," Matt greeted casually before Alex was spilling his story with a barrage of worries.

"What do you mean you don't love him?!! You told him you wanted a divorce?!! He's been gone for two weeks and you're just telling me now?!?" Matt shouted into the phone as Alex winced and pulled it back in fear.

"I know, I know. I'm an idiot. But you gotta help me."

"Of course I'm helping. Not for you since you don't deserve it, but for Jack because he's a great guy and doesn't deserve to be broken by you."

Alex was silent, leaving Matt to mutter angrily.

"I can't believe you, you out of all people, hurt him. I thought you would know not to hurt him. I thought you would never break his poor heart because you knew how sensitive he is. You were his best friend before his lover. You're supposed to be there for him. Some friend you are. Now you don't even worry for two weeks about shattering him in pieces and practically spitting in his face and kicking him whole he was down. Now he's probably in some hotel room, crying and depressed again and starving himself. Do you know how easily he could relapse? You know what it's like to be hurt, Alex-"

Then the man had enough of hearing how awful he was and hung up. He didn't want to have any other reasons to deserve to be in Jack's place, alone and terrified and in pain.
_____

Jack sat on a bar stool of his local pub and downed mugs of beer as quickly as he could, hoping to get wasted until he couldn't feel a single ounce of the pain that he had been drowning in. After he could barely think for himself, he'd find some hot chick to fuck, only to wake up alone the next morning again.

It had been two months since he had woken up in someone's arms; two months since he had last seen Alex and the rest of his friends.

Though he missed his other accomplices, the feeling of their absence was nothing compared to the burning, aching, bleeding hole in his heart that Alex had shot. His vacancy was an endless and empty void that caused his whole life to be a burden. Jack was nothing but half a lost soul without him, since such a huge part of him had been in Alex's hands.

But that didn't stop the elder from tearing his heart to pieces and stomping on it. Jack thought about him every second he could. All the small things in life reminded him of his husband. Whenever he walked into a coffee shop, he'd think of the way Alex's lips tasted on his when they lazily made out. Whenever he saw Cassadee, he’d think of the way his lover's hair smelled - coconut - since they used the same shampoo. When he went to the grocery store Jack would always stop by the candy isle to pick up a pack of M&Ms only to remember he wasn’t with him.

Alex didn’t love him anymore, but the fact certainly didn’t stop Jack from hurting.
___

Another month had passed and Alex was sort of becoming worried.

The band as a whole was scheduled for a tour in a week, and the boys were relying on Jack’s loyalty to bring him back in time. Though if he hadn’t returned in the following few days Matt had elected Alex to find and call him. Zack and Rian figured it was the least he could do for hurting his feelings like that. They believed that Jack loved Alex enough to come back at his call.

And once those few days passed without any word from their guitarist, Matt confronted Alex.

He had invited him out to coffee to tell him slowly and in public so he couldn’t hurt Matt. Honestly he was a little worried for the brunette’s reaction seeing as he was the one to get rid of Jack in the first place. But eventually he decided that even Alex wasn’t that heartless.

Said man walked beside him, straight hair whipping in the cool December breeze. It was Alex’s favorite time of year for various reasons but mostly the wind. The billowing air seemed to bring in the new season along with new experiences, new feelings, and new memories. He was excited to start the winter until he remembered he’d be alone this year.

Maybe he had lost the deep and romantic love he once felt for Jack, but the holiday season sure would suck to be alone.

He would miss the early mornings he spent watching the snow fall with Jack curled up next to him as they both shared a cup of hot chocolate. He’d yearn for the feeling of sharing a blanket with the younger during their movie nights. He’d crave the peppermint taste on Jack’s lips in the most innocent way possible.

He felt hollow and purposeless without anyone to sleep next to. His nightmares had returned along with his anxiety and it was making it difficult to get any rest. With Jack by his side, he felt like someone needed him.

Matt brought him out of his trance of dark thinking by stopping in front of the door of the local coffee shop while the bell clang above him. As they stepped in, a warm rush of heat greeted them along with the smell of espresso. He remembered how Jack always loved to kiss after drinking coffee for some odd reason, not that Alex exactly minded. The boy was a good kisser.

“Alex, wake up. Welcome to reality,” Matt joked, elbowing him in the side. A few couples of various ages sat at worn, wooden, circular tables while they made casual conversation. They all were so caught up in laughing about the perfection of their lives that Alex couldn’t help but feel a little envious of their joy. “Sit,” Matt instructed as he pulled out his own chair at a small table near the window.

“It’s been three months,” he began. Difficulty came with trying to capture Alex’s attention but once he had it, the man was unhappily glaring at him, probably because he had just been thinking about the gap in his life without his (ex?) husband. “We need to find him…You need to find him.”

“Why me? Haven’t I done enough damage?”

“Which is exactly why you owe it to him – and us – to look for him. You’re the one who made him leave, you should be the one to ask him back.”

And with that, Matt stood and left, ditching Alex to wish he hadn’t screwed up everyone’s life, along with the question ‘where could Jack be?’
___

It took the brunette a while (longer than he’d like to admit) but he finally determined where his lost Jack was.

When he first pulled up to the hotel, he could have sworn it was closed or vacant. The whole place looked run-down since the last time he had seen it four years ago. But as he drove his car around the building toward the entrance, he saw a 2010 Jeep in the parking lot and he automatically knew he was at the right place.

Alex had driven three hours to the hotel he and Jack had stayed at during their honeymoon.

He parked his car hurriedly along the curb and sprinted into the hotel as fast as he could, forgetting his pride in the rush of the moment. When he entered the lobby, he greeted the receptionist with a charming smile.

“Hello, miss. I was wondering if you could give me the room number of Jack Barakat.” He stated at the tall, middle age woman at the desk. She gave him a sad smile at the mention of Jack as though she knew something he didn’t.

“Oh, you’re looking for Jack? The poor boy, looked like he had just been through hell and back. He’s been here for quite a while- I shouldn’t be telling you this. Maybe you could call him. Can I have your name so I can notify him you were here?”

“Sure,” he grinned gratefully. At least he was in the same building as him, although the lady said he was miserable. “Alex Gaskarth.”

As soon as he gave her his name, the woman gasped and widened her eyes at him. Alex jumped and took a step back, wondering what had made her so surprised.

“You’re Alex Gaskarth! And he’s Jack Barakat! You are the couple from that band my daughter loves!” She exclaimed at the realization before again gasping with a hand clamped over her mouth. “So you’re the Alex he keeps talking about. He’d want to see you immediately. I’ll call his room.”

Despite everything, Alex had to smile at that. At least he was finally getting somewhere, though Jack had been talking about him with strangers. He watched the woman get up and walk to the back room to pick up an old fashioned phone and dial in 207.

The brunette’s eyes shot open at that since it was the same room the pair had stayed in on their honeymoon. He couldn’t believe Jack remembered.

But before he could register anything, an elevator opened from beside him and the one and only Jack Barakat was stepping out.

The pair just stared for a brief moment to take in each other’s appearance. Alex felt Jack’s eyes scanning up and down at his body, at the stubble on his chin, at his neat clothing, at his perfectly straightened hair as he inspected Jack’s own body. He managed to pull to off a decent façade to mask his pain but even with his clothes tidy, he reeked of heartbreak.

Alex didn’t necessarily smell it, but Jack gave off an feeling of depression. He sensed it in the way Jack walked, slowly with his head bowed as if in shame, and the way his face looked. He wasn’t frowning or looking upset, but Alex knew what it was that told him.

His eyes gave it away, like they always had. Jack was a generally happy person. His eyes always held this light; Alex could never describe it. Even if the man was tired or pouting, his dynamic brown eyes always had a joyful glint in them. They always looked alive.

But as Alex took in Jack’s despondent look, he noticed his eyes had lost that spark. They looked dull and dismal; they looked dead. That was when Alex realized he truly caused chaos and calamity, leaving his best friend to die in the shambles and ruins of what they built together.

So Alex turned and slowly headed out of the hotel before he could wreck or impair the younger any further, leaving Jack to curl up onto the chair in the lobby and cry until he didn’t have any more tears.