I Lost All of My Senses

woke feeling absolutely horrible and confused. I was in an unfamiliar room and I didn't like it. It was so cold, so dull. The walls were all covered in white paint, the kind of white that makes you feel sick deep inside of you. There was absolutely no ornamentation on those drab walls, creating a depressed mood in the room. I only knew one place where you could find rooms like the once I was in. The bed I was laying in, the small window in front of me, white walls...there was no doubt that I was in a hospital. But what was I doing there? Last thing I could remember was Austin teaching me to water ski on our date. I could not remember how, I could not remember why I was laying there. What could have possibly happened to me? Did I get injured? Why was I in the hospital? These were all questions that were soon going to be answered.

''Thanks God, you're awake,'' a familiar voice said. ''I was so worried that you would never wake up Alan.''

I looked at my left and saw Austin sitting on a chair by my side. He looked like he haven't caught a single second of sleep in days. He was holding my hand in his, caressing the top of it with his thumb. As he did so, I started feeling a sharp pain on the right side of my body. I let go of Austin's hand to touch my right shoulder. But that that was all that was there, a shoulder. My right arm was gone. I was starting to get flashbacks from last night. I was water skiing while Austin was driving the boat. I remembered falling in the water and Austin asking me if I wanted to give it another try. But I never stood on my feet again. Because I've been attacked by a shark. I've been attacked by a shark who stole the most important and precious part of my body with him. He stole the part of my body that allowed me to express myself. What was I going to do with only one arm now? I couldn't help but burst out into tears. This was a nightmare, a nightmare that I would never be able to wake up from.

''Don't cry Alan, please. I-I know it is hard and I know that you're in pain. But please don't cry. I hate seeing you sad,'' Austin said as he climbed on the bed with me.

That only caused me to cry even more. I layed my head on Austin's shoulder and cried painfully. Never have I felt so broken in my entire years of being on this big blue planet. Everything hurt, nothing was okay. I felt like I wasn't myself anymore and that I would never be again. Did I really deserve a life full of misery, pain and sadness? Was this what God really wanted from me, to suffer? Life already took my voice away from me. And now, it took away my second voice, what became my best friend through the years, my way of feeling a little bit more confident about myself. It was all gone, I had nothing anymore.

''I'm going to get the Doctor okay?'' Austin asked as he went to get out from the bed. I didn't want him to go. So I grabbed his wrist with the little strenght I still had inside of me and pulled him back by my side.

''Don't worry Alan, I will be right back. You need to see the Doctor so he can give you some medication. I know you're in pain right now. Trust me, I'll be back in less than a few minutes,'' he said as if he read my mind.

I nodded and let go of his hand, feeling emptier that I already was, which I thought couldn't be possible. While Austin was gone, I just stared at the room and cried. What else could I have done? I couldn't have yelled even if I wanted to. I could tried to make a sound but nobody would hear me, not even myself. I just wanted to scream. How could this be happening to me? I couldn't stand the pain, I couldn't make it go away. I knew I've made mistakes in the past, but were they that bad that I deserved this living hell? I was so lost in my dark thoughts that I didn't even see Austin and a female doctor entering the room. Austin gave me a small smile which I didn't return. What was there to smile about?

''Well hello Alan, it's good to see that you're finally awake,'' the Doctor said as she took the seat on which Austin used to be seating. ''I'm Dr. Gunn. but you can call me Lynn. I'm here to ask you a few questions and do a small check-up. Is that okay with you?''

I nodded. It wasn't like I had any other choice. At least, she looked nice and caring, not like the majority of Doctors I've met in the past.

''Okay, so do you remember what happened?'' She asked. I nodded. I remembered everything and I wished I didn't.

''You've been asleep for 3 days. You had lost a lot of blood when your friend brought you in here. You're a very lucky guy that he brought you here fast enough so we could save you,'' Lynn said as she was pointing at Austin.

A selfish and egoistic part of me wished that Austin had just left me in the water to die, or that the shark would have killed me. That way, I wouldn't have had to deal with this nightmare. I would be in a better place, a place where I wouldn't have been in pain. But I knew that Austin would have never left me here to die. It only showed that he really cared about me. I couldn't be mad at him for saving me. He did what anyone would have done, what anyone with a heart and soul would have done. And what he said next only confirmed my thoughts.

''It was the least I could do. I care about Alan, I-I just couldn't leave him to die,'' Austin said sadly.

This was probably hard for him, seeing someone he cared about being on the edges of death. If it had been the other way around, I knew that I would have been miserable. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Austin. We haven't known each other for a long time, but I haven't cared about someone as much in a while. That was until I met Austin. I looked at him and gave me a small smile, a real one.

''On a scale of one to ten, can you show me how strong the pain is right now?'' The Doctor asked.

I went to show 9 fingers, but I couldn't. Because I didn't have 9 fingers anymore. My eyes filled with tears once a again as I flashed a five then a four with my left hand. Lynn's expression changed as she way the tears falling for my eyes.

''I'm sorry, I shoudn't have asked it that way. I really am sorry,'' she apologized.

I grabbed her hand and gave her a tiny reassuring smile that told her that it was okay and that I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at life. I was mad at destiny. But I wasn't mad at her when she was only trying to help.

''I'm going to get you some pain medication. I'll be right back,'' Lynn announced. She stood up from the chair and left the room.

Austin didn't waste a second before taking her seat and grabbing my hand, bringing it to his face. A few seconds later, I was feeling a warm liquid on it, tears. Austin was crying and I didn't like it just like he didn't like seeing me sad. I removed my hand from his grip and caressed his hair tenderly, to comfort him a little. But it didn't work out very well. It only caused him to cry even more.

''I-I'm sorry Alan. I'm so sorry. This is all m-my fault. I'm the one who convinced you to water ski. If I hadn't, you would s-still have your two arms and you wouldn't be in p-pain. I feel so guilty Alan. Y-You could have died back there and it would have been because of me. B-Because of my stupid idea. I should be the one on that bed, n-not you. I'll f-forever be sorry Alan. I feel so r-responsible and y-you have all the rights to hate me forever,'' Austin said painfully.

I couldn't believe that he was actually blaming himself for what happened to me. I couldn't believe that he actually thought he was responsible of this whole accident. He wasn't the one who ate my arm, he wasn't the one who tried to kill me. He was the one who was trying to make me have the time of my life. He was the one who saved me when I was unconscious in the water, losing a big quantity of blood. Seeing him cry like this broke my heart. He was nothing but guilty. How could I possibly hate him? I only could think of one way to comfort him, to show him that he didn't have to blame himself. I removed my hand from Austin eyes only to bring it under his chin to lift his head a little. I wanted to look at him in the eyes and I wanted him to look back in mine since some say eyes are the window to the soul. I was lost into his eyes, and I could tell that he just as much lost into mine. He gave me a small smile, before leaning in, pressing our noses and foreheads together.

Our lips were only a few millimeters apart from each other. He was giving me the option to close the gap between us or not. And I did close it. He kissed me back at the exact moment my lips were on his. Our lips were moving in a perfect synchrony, they fitted little two puzzle pieces. It was our first kiss and it couldn't have been any better. Austin's lips left mine after a while and felt empty without them. This kiss was what we needed, what we both wanted. We stared at each other and I didn't any more sign of guilt in Austin's eyes.

''I promise that I will be there to help you, Alan. I'll be there to comfort you when you'll need me. You're not going to go through all of this on your own, because I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be a one step at a time adventure, and I'll be there at every single step that you'll take,'' Austin promised. And I knew that he was going to keep him promise, because he was Austin Carlile.

Lynn came back a few moments later and gave me my medication. Even though the kiss made me feel better, the sharp pain was still there and I needed the medication to make it fade away a little.

''So eum, it's already 9PM and visiting hours are over,'' she announed.

I looked at her with wide eyes. No, Austin couldn't go home. I needed him to stay with me. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to spend this horrible night on my own, because I knew that it sure wasn't going to be easy.

''I'll make an exception for you,'' Lynn said as she felt the fear and anxiety in my eyes. ''I'll talk to night shift doctors and tell them that I allow him to stay. I'll be back in the morning where we'll talk about readaptation treatments and procedures. As for now, I'm wishing you both a good night. And Alan, if you feel to much pain during the night, press the red button on the left side of your bed. See you in the morning.''

She left the room, closing the door and light behind her. I was exhausted and I could tell that Austin was as well. He probably didn't sleep at all while I was in my short coma. He needed to sleep. He joined my in the not so very comfortable bed and wrapped his arm around me. I rested my head on his chest, and just like that, I was feeling comforted and secure.

''Good night beautiful,'' Austin said. He pressed his lips to mine for a short 3 seconds kiss. But it was long enough to make me fall asleep with a smile on my face. Maybe there was still going to be some light and sunshine in all these storms and dark moments. Maybe Austin was my light. Not maybe, I knew that he was.