Head First, No Regrets

It’ll start when he introduces you to his first boyfriend.

Oh, sorry. It’s easy to forget that you’re still not used to the idea of being with him.

You’re just going to have to accept it.

Stop pulling faces, just sit here and listen. Grin and bear it.

As we were saying, he’ll waltz over to you, towing a slightly shorter man by the hand. The man will be chuckling at everything he says. A bit like you do. You’ll notice them both, but won’t think anything of it until they stop right in front of you. He’ll then glance down as if he’s waiting for you to say something.

When you finally ask him why he’s there, the two of them will laugh, and you’ll suddenly be very suspicious. There they’ll be – a fairly attractive stranger and your best friend – holding hands and giggling as though they were teenagers. You’ll just frown, unaware of what’s to come.

It’ll only take him a few seconds to explain who the mystery man is. At first, you’ll be absolutely certain that he’s joking. He’s never said anything about wanting to be in a relationship with a man before, so why would he have changed his mind so suddenly? He’ll be completely serious, though. You’ll be able to see that in his eyes, you just won’t want to accept that he’s finally found someone. Someone that’s not you.

As they walk off together, you’ll try and convince yourself that you’re happy for him. You’ll say it over and over again in your head, until it becomes nothing but a meaningless chant. Of course you’ll want him to be happy, but you won’t want him to be happy without you, as selfish as that sounds.

You’ll quickly forget his boyfriend’s name. In fact, you’ll forget almost everything that was said to you just a few minutes earlier. Except for the fact that they’re together, and that they seem to be completely head over heels for each other. You’ll finally understand how he must feel when you’re with one of your girlfriends. It’ll be rather horrible, but luckily you’ll only have to experience it once. He’s had to deal with it so many more times than you.

You’ll hear them talking in the lounge all day, and even into the early hours of the morning. You’ll even walk in on them kissing a couple of times. You’ll hate it, and then you’ll feel guilty for hating something that makes your best friend happy.

Over the next couple of months, you’ll see a lot more of that dreaded boyfriend. Every time he appears, you’ll make up an excuse as to why you can’t stay. They’ll never get the hint that you don’t like them being together. They’ll be far too smitten with each other.

When they aren’t together, they’ll be on the phone to one another. Even when the two of you are out together, his phone will ring, a huge grin will appear on his face, and he’ll have to answer it. You’ll be able to put up with it for a while, but it won’t be long before you’ll snap.

You won’t mean to. He’s your best friend, after all. You’d never purposely try to upset him. It will just happen one day.

Bless you, you look heartbroken. We know that the thought of him being upset makes you mad, and knowing that you were the one to cause it must be even worse for you.

Anyway, we’re getting off track.

As soon as he gets off the phone, you’ll ask him why he has to talk to his boyfriend so much. You certainly won’t ask it calmly, and you’ll realise how stupid it sounds as soon as you say it. It’s perfectly reasonable for him to want to talk to the person he loves, and you’ll know that.

He’ll look at you as though you’ve just asked the most absurd question of all time. His smile will still be there, but it will be uneasy. It will be like he knows what’s about to happen.

You’ll tell him how angry you are that you’ve stopped spending as much time together. You’ll even tell him that you don’t know why you’re his best friend anymore. It’ll all be about you, and your feelings. In those few moments of anger, you won’t even consider how he feels. The worst part will be that he’ll just stand there, staring at you blankly.

You’ll try and provoke a reaction from him, but he’ll continue to stand there with a slight frown on his face, calmly disagreeing with everything you say. Deep down, you’ll know that you’re in the wrong, but you’ll need to expel the intense feelings of jealousy somehow.

Eventually you’ll calm down and shut up. You’ll feel better in a strange sort of way, even though you’ve just insulted the person that means the most to you. He won’t leave, though. He’ll sit in silence, refusing to move, even when his phone goes off. At any other time, you’d be delighted that he wasn’t answering his phone, but after the events that will have just unfolded, it will make you feel worse than you already did.

“You’re…jealous?” He’ll ask, sounding very unsure of himself. You won’t have realised that you admitted it out loud. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe he’s just smarter than you give him credit for. Your heart will sink, because you really won’t want to be having this conversation with him. You’ll only have yourself to blame though.

At first you’ll deny it. You won’t be able to bear saying it. You won’t try very hard to keep it from him, though. It’ll be obvious that he knows, and nothing you say will be able to convince him otherwise.

You’ll end up nodding, unable to look at him. You’ll want to tell him that it’s not like that, you just want to spend some more time with your best friend, but that’d be a lie. You could never lie to him.

He’ll try and ask you a few more things, but you’ll be having none of it. You’ll only nod or shake your head. He’ll give up on you after a while and leave without saying anything.

You won’t hear from him for two days.

That’ll be the worst part, don’t worry. It’ll only get better from there.

When you finally see him again, he won’t have his boyfriend with him. You won’t know whether to be relieved or not. You’ll be glad that the man has finally gone, but at the same time, you’ll feel as though you’ve ruined your best friend’s life.

You’ll have spent the past two days wanting to talk to him, but when he finally starts to speak, all you’ll want to do is ignore him. You won’t want to have to admit your fears out loud. As soon as you say anything, they’ll be real. They won’t just be in your head.

Every move that he makes will be slow and controlled. As he perches next to you, you’ll furtively try to move away. He’ll quickly tell you that he broke up with his boyfriend, and you’ll freeze. You won’t know whether to cry or grin, so you’ll just whisper a small ‘sorry’. He’ll shrug.

Of course, you could just tell him everything right then. Imagine how easy it would be for both of you. You’d start explaining, and halfway through he’d probably just kiss you to get you to shut up. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, you’ll decide to drag it out for just a little while longer. Whilst that will be entertaining for us to watch, it will be rather unpleasant for you. We’re surprised that all of these scenarios end so well, considering that you always seem to make stupid decisions. Sorry. You know that it’s true, though.

He’ll ask you how you’ve been, and you’ll want to tell him that you’ve been feeling dreadful. Like you’ve ruined his life, as well as your own. Instead, you’ll just shrug. By this point, he’ll be starting to get very impatient with you. He’ll have every right to be. After all, he’ll be trying to sort things out, and you’ll be refusing to communicate with him properly. In fact, it’ll be a miracle that he’ll still want to be your friend.

Hesitantly, he’ll move to sit beside you. You won’t try and move away that time, though. An uncomfortable silence will engulf the room until he’s brave enough to speak.

Have you noticed how it’s never you who makes the first move? You always leave it to him. You don’t appreciate him enough, Alex.

All of a sudden he’ll tell you that he always knew.

You’ll play dumb, but it won’t fool him.

He’ll carry on; telling you that he knew from the moment he told you that he had a boyfriend.

You’ll immediately panic, wondering if you were really that obvious. You’ll remember being angry about it, but you’ll be certain that you did a good job of hiding it. Like we said before, he’s cleverer than you think and he knows what it’s like. You shouldn’t be surprised that he found out so soon.

The panic will show on your face and he’ll notice. Ridiculous scenarios will begin to run through your head, about how you’ll never see him again, how he’ll tell everybody that you ruined his life.

Nothing like that will happen. In fact, it will be quite the opposite.

He’ll smile at you lovingly, and will then engulf you in a hug whilst telling you that you’re an idiot. You won’t know if you should be happy about it or not, but you’ll make the most of it. It might be the last time you ever get to hug him. Your head will be resting on his shoulder, face nuzzled into his neck.

Softly, he’ll ask you if you’re okay, and you’ll nod. By then, you’ll be clinging onto him as though your life depends on it. He’ll find it funny, but he won’t let go of you.

You’ll both sit like that for a while, his hands gently running up and down your back, and you’ll finally manage to relax. Neither of you will say anything, but it won’t be uncomfortable. You’ll be scared to speak in case it makes him leave.

For the first time in months, you’ll finally feel as though you have a chance with him.

Okay, we think that you’ve waited long enough. Time to put you out of your misery.

He’ll break the silence, telling you that you should have just told him. Without waiting for you to reply, he’ll then tell you that he would’ve broken up with his boyfriend immediately, had he known. All you’ll be able to do is apologise profusely.

After a few more minutes of sitting in silence, you’ll feel as though you need to say something. You could tell him how much you like him, or how much he means to you, but you won’t.

Of course you won’t.

Instead, you’ll just ask him if he wants to go and get coffee.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it just won’t be the dramatic ending that everyone will be hoping for.

He’ll quickly agree, and that will be your first date. Coffee in a predictable, boring old coffee shop, the day after him breaking up with his boyfriend.

It won’t all be easy from there. Absolutely not.

Oh, did we forget to mention that?
You didn’t think that we’d be able to guarantee you eternal happiness, did you?

Whilst we can guarantee that you’ll get together at some point, unfortunately we can’t guarantee that it will all be smooth sailing from then on, as much as we’d like to.

Don’t worry. Honestly. Nothing too bad should happen. We hope.

Anyway, on to the next scenario. That might brighten you up.