Hate > All

Zoe had worked so hard to get to where she was. It had been 3 years since she had self-harmed, and now she was nearly a year for finally accepting her own skin. Only to be shamed by her best friend’s fans. And here she was sitting on the floor of her hotel bathroom, back pressed against the door, knees curled against here chest, tears pouring down her face as she stared at the razor blade she had placed on the floor in front of herself.

-Flashback-

“Just go say hi to them.” She pushed her little sister closer to the four boys, her sister pushing back against her, suddenly feeling shy about meeting her favorite band.

“Oh, come the fuck on. I drove you two hours down here for this concert and to meet these boys. You are meeting them.” This time she made sure to push her sister hard enough that she found herself right in front of the boys, a shocked expression made it across her sister’s face. Zoe just smiled and shook her head at her sister.

“Hi!” One of the boys waved and gave her sister a huge smile. The girl stood there awkwardly looking at the four boys before squeaked out a barely audible ‘hi’.

Zoe couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as she egged her sister on. “Oh come Gibbs, you haven’t been this quiet when it came to these boys before.” Her sister sent a death glare Zoe’s way at the mention of her nickname, Gibbs or Gibby, a name Zoe had picked up from ICarly a few years back.

The four boys shot a look at Zoe laughing. The boy that had previously said hi to her sister smiled at her. “Got a shy one don’t we?” He joked with her.

Zoe returned the smile. “Yeah, please hug her, take a picture with her, and sign her concert ticket.” He little sister shot yet another glare Zoe’s way, while mumbling something along the lines of ‘I know how to speak’. Another boy, the tall one with the blonde quiff and a lip ring reached out and took her sister’s hand pulling her towards the boys. A smile found itself forming on Zoe’s face as her sister turned about as red as a tomato. She recognized the boy as her sister’s favorite, Luke. But the only reason she knew that was because the amount of times her sister had screamed his name during the concert.

She watched in silence as each boy hugged her sister, the smile on her face growing bigger as each boy put her arms around her. Finally her sister settled between Luke and the boy with brown eyes of the, ready for a picture with the four of them. Zoe stepped forward with her phone and snapped as many pictures as possible in a short period of time, the watching the screen as the boys changed facial expressions, and her sister stood there in the middle smiling like a damn idiot.

“All done, thanks boys.” She out down her phone to look at the boys and her sister, and noticed that the brown eyes boy had locked eyes with her, concern washed over his face. She tilted her head to the side and glanced at her sister who motioned to her wrist. It hit Zoe like she had ran into a brick wall. Her scars were in the open, she glanced down and noticed her wrist bands had clumped together and showed a select few of the tiny lines that decorated her left wrist. Shoving her phone into her bag she gave a pained expression to her sister, silently begging her to let this be over. Luckily her sister had known previously what Zoe had gone through and understood that this was serious to her, and nodded turning to the boys thanking them.

As her sister returned to her, Zoe grabbed her forearm and began pulling her sister away from the scene embarrassed for showing her scars in public. Her eyes instantly tearing up as she was beating herself up on the inside for not wearing one of her flannels. She adjusted the wrist bands on her wrist as they walked away. But she felt a hand on her shoulder only seconds after they had begun to walk away. She turned, trying her best to blink away the tears. She met the deep brown eyes of the one boys.

“Hey.” He mumbled.

Zoe stood there in utter shock that the boy had grabbed her. She let out a shaky breath contemplating if she should answer him. “Uh hey…” Her voice was almost inaudible, her old confidence had dwindled.

“Look…just keep fighting it. Find the things that make you happy, the people that make you feel worth it, outlets that let you feel what you need.” His eyes held hers, and his one hand rested on her waist in a reassuring manner.

“Uh, thanks. I’ve been trying.” Her voice wavered as the tears in her eyes were getting harder to hold back.

“Look, I’m not one to do this. But...” He slipped a piece of paper into Zoe’s hand. “We would all love to help you. You seem amazing, the way you came here for your sister, and your style and taste in music is wicked.” He motioned down to Zoe’s torn up Nirvana tank top.

A shaky breath left Zoe’s lungs as a tear made itself down her face. She could feel the burn of a blush across her face, neck, and even chest. She hated crying in public. “Uh, thanks.” She mumbled pulling out of the boys grip and retreating as fast as she could with her sister’s forearm tightly in her grip.
“You just got, Calum Hood’s phone number.” Her sister stared at her with wide eyes.

“Shut it Gibby.”

-End Flashback-

She couldn’t thank Calum enough for that day, for everything he and the rest of the boys had done for her since then. More tears fell from her face as she imagined the face of each boy. “I’m sorry.” She cried out as a sob escaped her body. “I’m so sorry.” She again whispered. She could taste the salt of her tears on her lips.

But she could never forgive herself for letting the hate get to her.

-Flashback-

It was any normal night when Zoe was with the boys; scary movies, cuddling Luke because he couldn’t even watch the previews without jumping, food, and a few beers.

Currently Zoe was curled up in Luke’s side as Jessabelle was playing on the TV. Calum had also laid his head in Zoe’s lap, she had unknowingly put him to sleep by playing with his hair.

The only problem was it was way too hot to have physical contact with both boys. Zoe had been more careful about hiding her scars and anything else she was insecure about. She was currently wearing a flannel with a pair of leggings.

“Zoe, why don’t you go change? It’s hot as hell and you’re wearing a long sleeve, and pants.” Luke whispered into her ear.

“I’m fine, Luke. Plus Calum is sleeping on me and I can’ leave you or you might cry because of the movie.” She felt her body instantly heat up in anxiety over the idea of wearing less clothing in front of the boys.

She felt a chuckle leave Luke’s body as she looked up at him. “You can always put Calum back to sleep. I’ll even cuddle with him while you’re changing.” Calum stirred at the mention of his name.
“What’s up, what did I miss?” Calum glanced up at Zoe and Luke.

“I’m just telling Zoe that it’s too hot to be wearing that, and she should go change. But she was scared to wake you up, and didn’t want to leave me during the movie.” Luke jumped at the sudden sound in the movie, causing Zoe and the rest of the boys to laugh.

“Really Luke, I’m fine. As for you, not so much.” She laughed poking his tummy.

Luke only stuck out is bottom lip as he pouted at her. “Really Zoe, I can feel how hot you are. In the temperature sense.” Luke concluded.

“I don’t have any clothes with me.” She shot back. Instantly assuring herself that she had won the argument.

“You can borrow one of my tank tops.” Luke countered.

“Really though, Luke. I’m fine.” She mumbled. A mix on anxiety and the heat had made her body start to sweat.

“Nope come on.” Luke stood up pulling Zoe up with him and dragged her out of the living room, up the stairs to his room, where he began shuffling through his folded clothing. He finally threw his ‘You Complete Me’ shirt, successfully hitting her in the face. Zoe held the tee shirt looking at Luke, not knowing what to do.

“Oh right.” Luke put his hands over his eyes and turned away from Zoe. She couldn’t help but chuckle at how adorable her friend was. She quickly stripped herself of the flannel and threw the shirt over her head. The cut out sides showed her lace bralette she had worn. She instantly blushed at the idea and hugged her arms around herself before mumbling ‘It’s okay’ to Luke.

He turned around and smiled at her. “You look fine, and don’t you feel better?” He asked wrapping an arm around her as he led her back out to the living room. Zoe had to admit, that she felt a lot cooler in Luke’s shirt rather than her warm flannel.

“I guess.” Was the response she had chosen.

“Zoe, what’s wrong?” Luke stopped walking just before they had stepped into the living room.
“Nothing, Luke.” She muttered.

“Come on. Please tell me. Or I’ll get Calum to get it out of you.” He threatened.

“Luke, it’s just. I’m…I’m still not comfortable in my own skin. Because the scars, and my past.” Tears welled up in Zoe’s eyes as she spilled her feelings to the boy in front of it.

Luke’s expression instantly softened and he pulled Zoe tightly to him. “Zoe, we all love you. You’re family loves you. You’re other friends love you. They love every part of you, including your scars. And what was in the past, was in the past. This is you now, and I have to admit, it’s a pretty good looking you.” He winked before kissing Zoe’s forehead. “Really Zoe, you don’t need to hide in front of me and the boys. We are your friends because you’re kind of fucking awesome.” He pulled Zoe tighter into him, proving his point.

Zoe let out a shaky breathe before nodding into his chest. “Thanks Luke.”

-End Flashback-

Zoe looked back at how over the past two years she had slowly grown more and more comfortable with the four boys. She had started wearing tank tops and band tee’s around them, still wearing bracelets as a security blanket, but for the most part they ignored the scars. Realization came to her slowly that her scars were a part of her, and these boys loved everything about her, including her scars.

She remembered the day were it became a reality. Her scars didn’t define her. She remembered the first day she hung out with the boys where she decided that she didn’t need to wear her bracelets around them. They had gone to the beach and just before going in the water she had thrown them into bag, tired of the stupid tan lines that never seemed to fade. The boys had taken notice and laughed at her for the ridiculous difference in color of her tanned skin and the freshly exposed pale skin. “Doesn’t it feel good?” She could hear Ashton’s voice, remembering when he stood next to her in the water, revealing his scarred wrists. She had traced his scars as she nodded finally feeling free from the anxiety that had once held her tightly.

But some people who didn’t know Zoe, wouldn’t let her hold on to that happiness.

-Flashback-

Tears were glassed over Zoe’s eyes as she sat staring at her computer. Someone had made a hate account on twitter about her. Posting pictures of Zoe working out in her sports bra and running shorts. The caption read “Zoe the ‘Friend’ (whore) of 5sos, promoting being skinny. Who wants to fuck a twig bitch anyway?’ Another picture was her walking in one the hotels she had stayed at with the boys, she was wearing a towel hiding her face behind her hands as Michael had taken a picture of her and posted it on twitter. The hate page had re-captioned the picture to ‘She doesn’t even have any self-respect. She probably fucked Michael right after he took this.’

The pictures aren’t even the worst part. It was the replies and mentions that hurt Zoe the most. People had responded to the pictures agreeing that she was a whore and had probably slept with the entire band. They called out her scars calling them ugly, saying that she wasn’t good enough for the boys, or that the self-harm was the only reason that she was friends with the boys. It never ended. Everyday her timeline would be flooded with mentions slut shaming her, calling her ugly, that she should take up cutting again.

When the boys left to go home and Zoe had to stay behind. It only got worse, and she finally broke.

When the boys found out that Zoe had taken up self-harm again, they instantly had flown her out to Australia where she was attacked in a group hug as soon as she stepped off the plane. She couldn’t help but burst into tears as the boys held her. Comfort always brought realization to Zoe, this was the realization that her self-harm has returned.

Each of the boys insisted that she spend the night at one of their houses, but Zoe only wanted to be alone and paid for a hotel room for the few days she was going to be visiting.
Within hours of touching down in Australia, Zoe found herself with tear filled eyes once again staring at her laptop. A picture of her crying with the four boys hugging her, a picture of Calum holding her hand as they rushed her into Liz’s car. The caption was ‘The attention whore has landed in Australia sporting some fresh scars. Keep going guys! She’s breaking!’ It wasn’t true. Because she had already broken.

-End Flashback-

Zoe was brought back to reality as her phone rang out. She looked at the name flashing on the screen “Cal is Sex ;)’ A cross between a laugh and a sob bubbled out of her chest as she slid to answer the call, taking a deep breath to keep her voice steady, something she knew how to do all to well.

“Hey Cal.” Her bubbly voice did not match her tear stained face.

“Zoe, where are you? The concert is about to start.” She could almost see the pout that was probably decorating his face.

“Sorry Cal, I really don’t feel to well. Jetlag and I think the plane may have messed with my immune system.” More tears left her eyes listening to the voice of one of the boys that had almost saved her. She sniffled, automatically slapping a hand to her mouth.

“Are you crying, Zoe?” He said louder, probably so the other boys could hear.

“No, Cal. I just said I don’t feel good, my nose is stuffy.” The anxiety now completely taking over her voice, she could help but let out one sob as she mumbled “I’m sorry.” Before hanging on Calum, placing her phone next to her on the floor.

Pressing her hands to the floor she stood and exited the bathroom, crossed her hotel room and dead bolted the door before returning to her place against the door of the bathroom, that she had silently locked as she slid down in.

Zoe looked down at her phone, noticing that Calum was calling her again. She let it ring as tears blurred her vision.

-Flashback-

She had never felt so much anxiety as she was feeling right now. She held the kitchen knife against her wrist pulling it across, but she hadn’t used enough pressure to break the skin. She let out an exasperated sigh.

She never thought it would come to this. But the amount of emotional pain she was going through needed to be over whelmed. The loneliness she felt when she was in a crowded room, the feeling of being a back-up friend to everyone she knew, the feeling that she was disappointing her family, that her sister and brother were the good looking siblings, leaving Zoe feeling self-conscious about her very being.

“Fuck!” She screamed to her empty house she rented at school. The people she once considered friends had made plans without her, leaving her alone in the dark creepy house, yet again.
She took a shaky breath before closing her eyes and pressing the blade of the knife harder into her skin before ripping it across the skin. She felt an odd sensation, warmth flooded the area and she noted a faint sting. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked down. She saw her broken skin for the first.

Once again her phone brought her back the present as she looked down seeing that she had just missed a call. With a shaking hand she gripped the phone and unlocked it looking at the many calls and texts she had missed.

She tapped the first conversation in her messages ‘Lucas’

“Calum is freaking out, please answer.”

“Zoe, really.”

“Zoey, please fucking answer your phone.”

“We’re going to cancel this show.”

“For fuck’s sake Zoey, please. I’m begging you.”

She moved to the conversation “Dat Ash Doe”

“Zoey, you can make it through this girl. We love you.”

“Zoe we are all terrified right now, Luke and Cal are tearing up, you can’t do this to us. There’s things you don’t know. You can’t miss out on the rest of your life.”

She tapped Michael’s name as she wiped tears from her vision.

“FUCK THE FANS ZOEY THEIR OPINIONS OF YOU MEAN NOTHING!!!”

“The show is canceled we are coming back, and you better fucking be there Zoe.”

“Fuck, that wasn’t supposed to come off as mean. Zoe please, you’re killing us. Answer one of us.”

“FUCK I AM NOT WALKING IN ON YOU DEAD, ZOEY! I REFUSE!”

“20 minutes, give us 20 minutes. I promise we will work this out.”

Her thumb hovered over Calum’s name, terrified at what her best friend has said.

“Zoe, please. Answer me.”

“Fuck Zoe, you mean so much to me, this is scaring the living shit out of me.”

“Zoey, I love you. You can overcome this for me baby girl.”

“I fucking love you. So fucking much it’s insane.”

“We’re on our way. Please hang in there for me. I love you, hold on to that.”

The entire time Zoe had been reading the messaged she had been ignoring the calls of the boys who had not given up on trying to contact her. Calum’s name flashed across the screen.

Without her even realizing what her body was doing she answered the call, but stayed silent.
“Zoey?! Oh my god, guys, she answered.” Zoe bit her lip hearing the boys in the background, sighs of relief were heard.

“Zoey talk to me until we’re there. I’ll help you through this.” He begged her, she could tell that he had been crying his voice was broken and cracked throughout his speaking. Zoe stayed silent, not trusting her own voice, knowing that as soon as she said something that her voice would break and she would be overwhelmed with guilt and hang up.

“Zoey, please. I just need to know you’re okay. We all need to know you’re okay. For fucks sake just breathe loud enough for us to hear that you’re holding on.” Another chuckle/sob left her body.

“There you go Zoe. Now just listen to me, we are minutes away. We are going to help you through this, all of us, we’re a team, the five of us. Please realize how much you mean to me, to the guys, to your family. Michael is right, fuck the fans, what they say about you means shit. You helped us through the hate, you told us the only opinions that matter are the ones we give that power. Zoe, don’t give them that power over you.” Calum’s voice cracked and Zoe had to choke back the sobs that begged to escape her body.

“I LOVE YOU ZOE, YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME!” She heard Michael scream into the phone. A small smile made it across her face.

“Really Zoe, I made it through it, you can too girl. I’ll be there with you every step of the way. I know what it feels like. I love you Zoe.” Ashton added on.

The phone was being passed around the boys. “Hey Zoe.” Luke’s voice took over the phone. “You have no idea what you have done for me, Zoe. You helped me with my body image, through the hate, all the rough times. I need my cuddle buddy for scary movie nights. We all need you, Zoey. I love you Zoe.”

Zoe was now biting her lip so hard she couldn’t believe she hadn’t broken skin. Tears were falling so hard that she couldn’t see straight even when she wiped them away. She didn’t even care now that her sobs were audible to the boys on the phone.

“Zoey, we’re at the hotel, we’ll be up in a minute baby girl.” Calum’s voice soothed her though the phone.

She hung up the phone stood up unlocking the door so fast she nearly fell onto the floor of the hotel room. Rushing to the door she fumbled with the deadbolt in a panic to get to the boys. Finally she had a decent grip and tore the deadbolt back ripping the door open shooting glances both ways to see no one in the hallway.

It almost hurt, not seeing anyone. She slammed the door shut before she had the chance to scare any person who may have walked down the hallway other than the boys. What felt like minutes passed as she pressed her back against the door, sobs tearing through her body painfully.

A pounding on the door commenced and Zoe flew forward as the noise and sensation against her back had startled her. She stood slowly, her aching body finally feeling the exhaustion of crying for such an extended period of time.

She ripped open the door only to see Calum’s tear stained face for a mere second before she felt his lips press against hers, his arms pulling her so tightly against him she groaned as her body ached in his touch.

Zoe’s eyes fluttered shut, as she allowed her body to almost go limp in Calum’s arms, her hands clutching to his biceps. She felt one of boys rush past the two of them and probably go into the bathroom to discard of the blade that sat on the floor.

She was almost in a dream state, she felt everything; Calum’s lips on hers, his body holding hers, the boys filing past the two of them into her room. But everything felt so fuzzy, like she was dreaming.
Calum pulled out of the kiss breathlessly. She didn’t even remember if she had even kissed him back. And then her brain fully processed the scene.

“What the…” Her voice was almost gone.

“I’m in love you Zoey.” He mumbled as he pulled her face into his chest. “You mean so much to me, I can’t lose you. We are going to work through this.”

Zoe stood silently thinking about his words. She heard Michael yell from the bathroom. “Got it! I’m flushing it!” Soon she felt hands on her shoulder, she could imagine the other three boys reaching out to her.

“We are all here for you Zoe. This isn’t just you and Cal, it’s the five of us, your family, our families. We’re here and we will all help you.” Luke’s voice rang through her ears.

She finally nodded into Calum’s chest. Giving in to her best friends, and Calum.

“Thank God.” Calum sighed kissing the top of her head. “I love you Zoe. Remember that.”

Zoe physically couldn’t say anything, her body grew more tired every second she stood, eventually completely going limp in Calum’s arms. He tightened his grip holding her up.

As Calum laid her down on her bed, she took what strength she had left to whisper “I love you, Calum.”

She heard “ABOUT FUCKING TIME!” From Michael, followed by a slap from one of the other guys before she allowed herself to fall asleep feeling Calum’s warm body pressed against hers.