Say You'll Mean It

"Johnny, Hayley, grubs up!" I called from the kitchen, placing three bowls of chicken noodles onto the soft oak kitchen table.

"Mmm, smells good Jase." John announced strolling into the room with my giggling baby in his skinny arms.

"Noodles!" Hayley exclaimed excitedly, although it sounded more like, 'noogles', her beautiful chocolate brown eyes wide as she clapped her tiny hands together, grinning toothily.

John placed her gently into her bright yellow high chair before quickly kissing my cheek and digging into his dinner. His green eyes slid shut at the first bite, "Soo good!" He mumbled through his food, smiling crookedly.

I couldn't help but giggle as Hayley tried to copy him, her noodles dripping down her dimpled chin.

Happiness swelled in my chest as John wiped her chin with his napkin. "All clean." he declared pressing a soft kiss to Hayley's chestnut hair affectionately. Hayley squealed in delight.

"Fankoo Dada!" she cooed.

Me and John froze simultaneously, me dropping my spoon into my dish sending noodles everywhere.

We both sat dead silent for a moment, neither of us sure what to say. We turned to face each other at a loss, our eyes questioning. Mine navy blue, his sea foam green. He shakily ran his fingers through his sandy brown hair unsure of what to do.

Hayley scrunched up her angelic features in confusion, her dark eyebrows knitting together over her all too familiar eyes, sending a shock of longing through my bones.

Hayley looked nothing like me at all. She was 100% her father, from her hair to her pout, and it cut like a knife.

It was also painstakingly obvious that her father wasn't John.

I sighed deeply, God how to explain this to your two year old daughter.

"Ermmm, you see sweetie, John's not your actual Daddy." Hayley pouted as John shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Fuck.

Instinctively I took his larger hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, he squeezed them reassuringly. I cleared my throat and carried on as Hayley continued to study me with a look that said she thought I was insane.

"You see baby, John's your.... Second Daddy, because you're extra special." I announced with a slightly forced grin, John sending me a sweet smile. Hayley frowned for a second before asking, "Can I call him Dada?"

John gazed down at me his beautiful eyes wondering the same thing, could she?

I shrugged, smiling softly, "If that's okay with John, it's okay with me," I replied, my heart skipping in my chest.

John beamed, quickly followed by Hayls, her expression in that moment was almost heartbreaking, making me wish she had inherited my looks instead of his.



After dinner John offered to wash up, still ecstatic at Hayley's new nickname for him, whilst I gave her a bath, which was one of my favourite things to do, Hayley LOVED the bath, she stayed in for almost an hour every time, playing with her little boats and sea creature toys and making beards out of the bubbles. She'd squeal with glee and splash, all the while her breath taking smile never leaving her lips.

She was my pride and joy, my everything. Words could never explain how much I love her.

She tired quickly, probably because John said they'd been singing and dancing to Disney songs all day whilst I was at work.

I chuckled as I dried her off and dressed her in her Winnie the Pooh pjs the image of her and John playing running through my head.

He was amazing with her, everything I could possibly ask for and then some.

"C'mon you." I smiled cradling my baby to my chest before tucking her into her beautiful white and yellow daisy crib.

"Wuvoo," she sighed, her pale lavender eye lids fluttering shut as her gentle breathing evened out into sleep. I touched my lips to her forehead, breathing in her beautiful baby smell "I love you more Hayley Cakes."

I suddenly felt really tired too so I curled up in the arm chair that was in her room, pulling my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them.

Hundreds of thoughts ran through my mind, tugging me back to memories I wasn't sure I wanted to remember.



Five years ago I was fresh out of high school and living with my best friend Matt. He was a year older than me but we'd grown up together, being neighbours and our parents being really close. We moved out of our parents houses respectively and started renting a two bed apartment closer to the city.

As soon as I'd graduated Matt had landed a job as a tour manager for a local band who were about to set off on their first real tour and coincidentally the band needed a photographer. So at 18 and 19 respectively, me and Matt packed up and hit the road.

The band was called All Time Low and thankfully we all hit it off straight away.

Jack played guitar and was loud and hyper, Zack played bass and was quiet but super easy to talk to,
Rian played drums and was sweet and hilarious. And then there was Alex who sang and played guitar. Gorgeous, amazing, talented Alex, with his beautiful chocolate eyes and messy chestnut hair,
(sound familiar).

Now I don't care what anyone says but when me and Alex met it was love at first sight. We were perfect for each other, both of us passionate, out going, confident people who were still thoughtful and sympathetic. We both fell and we both fell hard, we didn't spend a day apart in almost three whole years.

Our relationship was a firey, high speed rollercoaster. We would have a blow out at least once a week over something stupid, both too stubborn to back down, we'd fight and scream until there was nothing left to say and then we'd make up just as loud.

We were crazy, head over heels, jealous of any one who even looked a little too long, in love with eachother and everyone could see it. We were the couple that could last anything, I mean, what could be harder then living on a bus together for three years?

But then we both turned 20 and All Time Low took off like crazy, everyone wanted a piece of the boys, even Matt was plagued by fan girls every night. Suddenly no one had any free time, everyday was filled with gigs and interviews and meet and greets and getting pissed afterwards.

I was a few months shy of 21 during summer at the Vans Warped Tour when I met John, John O'Callaghan, lead singer of The Maine. We hit it off instantly and he quickly became the best friend that Matt didn't really have time to be anymore.

Things were getting tough with Alex, the only time we'd really spend together was when we slept, if he managed to stumble to our bunk at all. But still we loved eachother and I trusted him more than I trusted any one. Even when the rumours started I didn't believe them for a second. Alex was the love of my life and I knew I was his too, why would I worry?

Plus if Alex was cheating on me, Matt would know and he'd tell me, or Jack, or Zack, Hell Alex himself would come clean. Still it was straining our relationship and it was showing, we were fighting more and more, (though we made up just as quickly) and eventually it had to come to ahead.

Me and Alex hadn't fought for almost two weeks, mainly because we hadn't really seen eachother, he had been super busy with the band and whilst we were on tour a few other bands had employed me to photograph them, (which was amazing.)

It was the morning of our three year anniversary and I awoke to Alex pressing sweet kisses to my neck, he had to run before it could get too far, he had a couple of interviews to do but he promised he'd take me out for dinner somewhere nice to celebrate, just the two of us. I was super excited, I couldn't wait to spend the whole evening uninterrupted with the love of my life. He left the bus at 11am, making me promise I'd be ready for 7pm so we could make his reservation.

Around half 5pm John turned up on the ATL bus with one of his best mates, (and the bassist of The Maine,) Garret, to help me get ready, well that was their excuse but it was more the fact the they hadn't got a tour bus yet and were sharing a 12 seater van with 9 guys and no tv.

I smacked my lips together as I applied my lipstick, ruffling my freshly curled shoulder length black hair before glancing at the clock. 6:45pm. Pefect, I grinned seriously looking forward to the nights activities.

Satisfied with my hair and makeup, I pulled on my brand new dress, it was black, off the shoulder with electiric blue piping. I then slid on my trusty black pumps and opened the door to the back lounge where John, Rian and Garrett were watching 51st dates.

They all looked up when I walked in, their jaws hitting the floor. After a whole summer of me not wearing anything fancier than shirts and ripped up tshirts I suppose I scrubbed up okay.

"Is it bad to say I seriously envy Alex right now?" Rian exclaimed with a cheeky smirk. I grinned and then laughed as John and Garrett continued to gape at me like fish.

Some times being one of the only girls on tour had its perks.

"Yeah Jase," Garrett said finally finding his tongue, "You look... Hot!"

John simply grinned his crooked grin and nodded his agreement.

"Thank you boys! Now squish up a bit so I can sit." I laughed squeezing into the tiny space between John and Rian on one couch as Garrett was stretched out across the other one. Greedy.

I sat barely able to pay attention as I counted down the minutes that my man would be back.

7:00pm came and went, then 7:30, then 8:00. I couldn't believe he was standing me up on our 3 year anniversary. I rang his phone getting more and more pissed off but it kept going to voice mail. I stopped after three attempts knowing Alex better than anyone I knew that if he didn't pick up his phone he didn't want to talk to you.

I sighed heavily receiving sympathetic looks from the boys I was surrounded by but I ignored them. Something important probably came up! Like an impromptu acoustic set or something.

I dismissed that idea when 10:45 rolled around and there was still no word from him. By 11 Rian went to bed, shortly followed by Garrett who went back to The Maine's bus. I, being super stubborn refused to go to bed until Alex came home. I was fuming and there was no way he was getting off easily this time.

John, being the awesome friend that he was went to the nearest shop and brought pringles, ice cream and sour patch kids whilst I changed into my pjs, ATL booty shorts and one of Matts old Ravens jerseys.

"Okay, so I passed a dvd shop and grabbed Alladin and Xmen 2," John announced letting himself back on the bus. I laughed feeling a bit better as he put on Aladdin and popped open the pringles, smiling for the first time in a while.

John had a way of doing that, making people feel comfortable and happy around him. Everyone love John O'Callaghan, it was impossible not too.

"Thanks John, you're the best." I told him honestly, giving him a sideways hug from where we were curled up on the couch. He grinned crookedly and ruffled my hair.

"Any thing for you munchkin."



"Well what do we have here?"

I pried my eyes open at the sound of someones mocking voice my brain foggy with sleep. It was pitch black, the only light coming from a street lamp, casting everything with its tacky neon glow. I realized I was laying down, my head propped up on John's chest that was rising and falling evenly signaling he was still sleeping. I rubbed my eyes with my fists as I sat up right.

"Oh please, don' t let me disturb you."

I almost jumped out of my skin at the cold, slightly slurred sound of Alex's voice, covering my racing heart with my hand I turned to find his shape in the dim light.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I announced in a hushed whisper, the illuminous red lights of the clock caught my eye. 3:27am.

Suddenly, all my anger from earlier came swirling back and I jumped to my feet, grabbing Alex by the collar of his shirt and dragging him out side.

"Hey! Offt! What the fuck are you doing?!" he whisper shouted as I shoved his intoxicated frame down the three metal steps to our bus, his shoes crunching the gravel as he landed.

"Where have you been!?" I almost growled crossing my arms across my chest. Alex rolled his eyes, his normally gorgeous face twisted in anger.

"I've been with Jack and Zack, why are you with him?" he spat the words like venom, jabbing a finger at the bus behind me.

It took every ounce of my self control not to scream at him.

"What were you doing with Jack and Zack?" I watched as he rubbed his stubbled jaw angrily.

"We did the interviews, then played golf and watched the Ravens game." He said shortly, "What were you doing with John Oh?!" he accused again.

I held up my hands in confusion, why the fuck does he keep going on about John?

"Me, him, Rian and Garrett were hanging out, why are you so bothered?"

He laughed humorlessly, the sound bitter and harsh making me cringe.

"Oh come on Jasey! He's totally in love with you that's obvious and you spend all your time with him, and I've heard the rumours."his voice was so cold, it didn't even sound like my boyfriend. I'd never seen him so angry.

"Alex what are you talking about?" I asked seriously, he laughed again.

"Jasey I know what you've been doing behind my back, why you're always with him. You've been fucking O'Callaghan like the groupie slut you are!" he spat.

Alcohol and jealous boyfriends do not mix.

I stood silently watching as Alex's chest rose and fell angrily, his chocolate eyes glaring at me in a way I've never seen and suddenly my temper exploded.

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING ON YOU! AND WHY? BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID RUMOUR?? YOU PATHETIC CHILD! DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D CHEAT ON YOU AFTER 3 WHOLE YEARS? WE FUCKING LIVE TOGETHER ALEX?!" By now my screaming had the lights of the other tour buses turning on, a few heads poking out from behind curtains but I was too far gone to care.

"I NEVER BELIEVED THE RUMOURS ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I TRUST YOU..."

Alex laughed darkly cutting me off again with a sneer, "That's because the rumours about me weren't true!!"

That hurt. That cut deeper then anything else, that's the phrase that broke us.

"You know what Alexander, I'm done playing your silly little games. We're through. I'm fed up with your mood swings, and never seeing you and you always being wasted, oh and for forgetting that tonight is our THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!" I paused taking a deep breath and wiping the tears spilling from my eyes, we had an audience now, I could feel their eyes on me but I couldn't look away from Alex's which were starting to look panicked.

I stood my ground, jaw tight and watched the exact moment that realization hit the man I loved. It was like I could almost see him sobering up. He knew he fucked up and he was gonna try and make it right but he couldn't this time. There was no fixing this.

"Alex, I love you, I really, really do, but I can't stand this," I pointed from him to myself, "anymore."

"What are you saying?" he choked out, panic and heartbreak etched in every line of his body, his eyes filled with tears. He takes a small step towards me and I step back, gently shaking my head.

Our eyes connect, his beautiful coffee orbs silently begging me to stop.

"We're finished Alex, I'm leaving and I won't be home when your done with tour." My voice is so quiet its almost a whisper. I can literally feel my heart crack down the middle before I turn my back on the boy I loved, stumble up the stairs to the bus, push past Rian, Matt, Zack and Jacks shocked faces straight the the back of the bus where Johns sat looking scared until I crawl onto his lap burying my sobs into his neck as he held me close.

"Shh baby girl everythings gonna be okay."

The quickest flight I could get was two days later and thank god it was that quick because Alex and I could not be in the same room without either cussing eachother out or begging to get back together. So even though I loved Alex more than I thought possible, I left after one last fight. The last thing he ever said to my face was, 'If you leave now don't you ever come back'.

And so I left.

I flew back to Baltimore, packed up all my stuff, said goodbye to mine and Matt's parents and moved cross country to Arizona where I got a job at a photography agency and moved into John and Garrett's apartment whilst they finished up Warped Tour. I changed my number giving the new one to the guys from the Maine and Matt, who I knew gave it to Rian, Jack and Zack. Alex tried for a while to get a hold of me but he soon gave up.

Soon after that I found out I was pregnant, I instantly told John who luckily only had another couple of weeks on tour, when they finished, me, him and Garrett moved out of the apartment and into a four bedroom house. They organized their tour so he could be around when Hayley arrived, and when she was born John was instantly smitten. We decided not to tell anyone other then my parents and his and the Maine boys, (Garrett, Jared, Pat and Kennedy) about Hayley and no one but John knew for real who the father was. Though the fact that she was Alex's was more than obvious.

Its been almost two years since I've seen Matt or ATL in the flesh, we skype but that's it, and only when Alex isn't around, but I'm oddly okay with that.

I have my baby and John, who is definitely more than my friend and who makes me happy, an almost perfect family.



"Sweetie, wake up," John whispered, wrapping his arms around me and lifting me bridal style from the arm chair in Hayleys room. My eyes fluttered open for a moment, before they closed again and I snuggled deeper into his embrace, pressing my lips to his neck softly. His laugh vibrates though my whole body.

"John?" I asked my voice barely above a whisper as he carried me to what had become 'our bed' and tucked me in.

"Yeah sweets?" he replied curling around me as he too laid down because I wouldn't let go of him.
I sighed happily, squishing my body to his from head to foot.

"I love you."

It wasn't the first time I'd said it to him but it was the first time I'd meant it in a way that was 100% romantic. John stayed silent so I opened my eyes and pulled back to look at his face, trying to search his eyes in the dark.

He had me cradled to his chest so I shuffled up the bed slightly to see him smiling sad back at me.

"What's wrong baby?" I wondered out loud stroking his cheek with my finger tips. He was so gorgeous, all sharp defined lines and bright green eyes.

He sighed like the world was on his shoulders and tugged me closer again.

"I'm in love with you Jase, and I know you love me but I think it's a different kind of love. Plus you only get like this when you've been thinking about... him."

I thought about it for a moment, I guess that used to be the case... but now.

"No John. I. Love. You." I said slowly, pulling back in his grip once again to gaze into his eyes.

"You're the best friend I've ever had and the best dad Hayley could ask for and I know you'll be the perfect husband because you're already an amazing boyfriend. I love you John Cornelius O'Callaghan V." I didn't break eye contact once. He had to understand. I loved John a hell of alot, maybe not with the same burning, consuming fire that I had loved Alex but in a safe, stable, makes me happy everyday of my life love.

"I love you." I whisper again, loving the taste of it on my tongue and the startled look in Johns eyes.

He grinned so wide I was scared his face was gonna split in two.

My heart was pounding in my chest like it wanted to hug John itself.

"I've always loved you Jasey Rae."

And with that his lips met mine in a kiss unlike any we'd ever shared before and I was finally happy.