Coming Out

I've always known that I was attracted to boys, but I never wanted to be. I was in elementary school and I was already thinking that some boys were cute and beautiful. But it wasn't right. I didn't want to be gay; I wanted to be the normal boy society expected me to be. I hoped that it would just be a phase and that it would go away with the years, but it didn't. I tried dating many girls; so many that I couldn't count them on the fingers of my two hands. I would go out with one and dump her when I realized that it just wasn't working. I had a bad reputation at school. They would call me a manwhore, a womanizer. They would call me heartbreaker, but I didn't care. I wanted to be into girls, I needed to be. I kissed and had sex with a lot of them, but it just never felt right. There never was this magic spark that everyone would talk about; I never felt those metaphorical butterflies in my stomach. The sex wasn't that bad. It felt great, but I wasn't attracted to my partners. And my only way to get hard was to thinking about the hot boys in my classes. I would imagine them being under me instead of those girls I could barely remember their names.

My name is Luke Hemmings and I'm gay. After years of not being my true self and suffering from it, I decided that it was time for me to show who I really was: an 18 years old homosexual man who was still in the closet. But, I guessed that finally accepting my sexual orientation was the first step before really telling everyone who I truly was. It took me a lot of years to take this first baby step, but I finally did it and it made me feel good. It was so hard for me to try being someone else for all those years. It was so difficult to try to be somebody that I would never be. I didn't love myself, but I learned to. I knew that being gay wasn't going to be the easiest thing for me, but I had to embrace it. I had to be proud of whom I was and not let society's expectations and standards rule and control my life. I had to be the captain of my own ship, the master of my destiny. It finally was time for me to live the life that I deserved. I wasn't going to simply exist; I was going to be alive.

I was ready to take my second baby step. I was going to come out to my parents. I just didn't know how to do it. I didn't know if I was supposed to just sit with them and clearly say that I was gay or if I had to talk a little more before speaking the truth. It stressed me a lot. Not only didn't I know how to actually come out; I was also worried that my parents wouldn't accept. I heard stories where children came out to their parents and that it didn't went well. I heard stories where parents kicked their kids out of their house because they didn't love the good gender. I didn't want this to happen to me. I knew that my parents loved me, but maybe they wouldn't a gay son. I was afraid that they would reject. Their rejection would totally ruin me. But I had to remain positive and hope that they would love me unconditionally and that nothing would change between. I had to wish that I would still be their little Luke even though I was attracted to men. That was why I found myself sitting in front of my computer, searching for some coming out videos on YouTube. I figured that those videos would guide me on how to come out and they would make me feel better, that they would make me believe that everything was going to be alright. I started watching the coming out videos of some well-known YouTubers like Troye Sivan or Connor Franta. Their stories were very emotional and touching. If they did it, I could too. I was about to close my laptop when a video suggestion intrigued me by his title: The day I became I man. I didn't recognize the YouTuber, but I gave his video a try:

''Hi guys! So this video is going to be very different from my other videos. It's not going to be a funny video where I answer to your questions or where I will do silly challenges with some of my friends. No. Today I am becoming the man by telling you the truth. My name is Ashton Irwin and I'm gay. You'll probably find this shocking since I used to date a few girls, but it isn't to me. I've always known that I was gay, but I guess I just didn't want to be. I tried to date girls so I wouldn't be into boys, but it didn't work very well. I never really was attracted to them. They sure made me happy sometimes, but it wasn't right, it wasn't me. I could have dated a thousand girls; it wouldn't have changed who I really am: a man who is attracted by other men. Today, I'm becoming a man by not hiding anymore. I'm becoming a man by finally accepting who I am. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm exhausted and I don't have energy left to do such a thing. I know that some of you are not going to like this announcement. But I'm sorry when I say that I don't care. I don't need followers who won't love the real me. In the end, I'm still the same Ashton. I'm still the same boy as a few hours ago. Only now, I feel better about myself and if you love me, that should make you happy. Because, isn't it everyone's goal in life? Just to be happy? Anyway, I will end this video here because there is something I need to do, something that I should have done so many years ago. I'm going to come out to my parents and I hope that it will go well. Thanks for your support guys and I will see you next with. Tchuss.''

I didn't know this guy but I really connected to him. Parts of his story reminded me of myself, of how I used to date girls in the hopes that I wouldn't be gay anymore. We both didn't want to be gay and tried so hard to change an important part of us that couldn't be changed. That guy seemed to be so confident in his video, so sure of himself. I admired that a lot. I didn't know him but I was so proud that he was finally accepting himself, just like I was starting to. His video gave the last dose of courage that I needed to come out to my parents. And I wanted to let him know that his video could really make a difference. So I left a comment on his video.

''Well hello Ashton, my name is Luke. Your video appeared in my suggestions and I decided to give it a try. It was the best decision that I've taken today. I know that we're not the same, but I rely to your story. Just like you, I date so many girls in the hopes that it would turn be heterosexual. But it never worked, because I couldn't change who I really was. It hasn't been long since I've really admitted to myself that I was gay and that I accepted it. I'm finally proud of who I am and I wouldn't change anything about me (well except my arms, I don't really like them ahah) Anyway, I just want you to tell you that I watched coming out videos today because I needed help. I decided to come out to my parents today. Your video gave me the courage to do it. So, when you'll read this comment, if you ever read it, know that I came out to my parents and that it went well, I hope. I also wish it went well for you, coming out to your parents. Anyway, thanks for doing this video, it really made a difference for me and I'm pretty sure that it will make one for many other boys who, like us, struggled for so long to love themselves just the way they are xx.''

I had to rewrite my comment at least three times because it never was good enough. When it was, I pressed the submit button and let out a breath of relief. I hoped that this Ashton guy would see my comment and maybe reply to it. It would mean a lot to me. I didn't have any more time to waste. I heard my parents coming home just a few minutes ago. It was now or never. I stood up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. I told myself that I could do this and that everything was going to be okay. I left my room and joined my parents in the living room where they were watching the Ellen Show. They loved this woman who was openly a lesbian so I knew that they weren't homophobic. I just hoped that it would be the same towards me. I took one last deep breath and walked in front of the TV.

''Hey Luke, move! We're going to miss Sam Smith's performance,'' my mom said.

''Eum, yeah...but before there is something I need to tell you guys and this is really not easy for me,'' I replied shyly.

''What is wrong son? You know you can tell us everything right?'' My dad wondered.

''Okay, so eum...you know how I used to date a lot of girls?'' I asked.

''Yeah, I could never know anyone of them since there was always a new girl sitting at our table. Wait. Are you telling me that you got a girl pregnant? You know teen pregnancy is complicated and-'' my mom said but I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence.

''No mom...Let's just say that I never was myself when I dated those girls, it never felt right. Because...I'm gay? Please don't hate me. I've tried so hard to change my sexual orientation, but it isn't something that I can change. This who I truly am and I am finally embracing it. So yeah, I'm gay and I hope that you'll still love me,'' I said with more confidence that I believed I would have.

''How could we hate you for loving boys, Luke? Love is love. All I want for you is to be happy. I want you to have a beautiful life and if it means for you to be with boys then it is perfect to me. You'll always be my son,'' my mother replied.

''You didn't have to be scared to tell us son. But I'm glad that you finally love yourself the way you are,'' my father added.

They both stood up and walked towards me, taking me in their arms for a warm family hug. Their reaction was the best; it couldn't have been more perfect. They still loved me no matter if I loved boys or girls. I cried some tears of joys and told them how much it meant to me and how much they were amazing parents. They just held me tighter. My mom kissed my forehead while my father patted my shoulder. My mom then told me to go back to my room and that she would call me when dinner would be ready. Nothing had change. We were still the same family who would eat simple dinners like spaghetti and would enjoy going to the movies together. I laughed and went back to my room. I went on my YouTube in the hopes that Ashton replied to me. I smiled when I say that he sent me a private message just a few minutes ago:

''Hello! I'm very touched by your message Luke. I'm sending you a private message because I felt like it was more appropriate for this situation. It means a lot to me that my video gave you the courage that you needed and I really wish that coming out to your parents went well. I did mine last week and it went better than I expected it to go. I'm happy that it is done and I feel so much better about myself now. I hope that it is the same for you. I really would like to talk to you, share our stories and stuff. Do you have Skype? We could chat if you want; I think that it would be nice. If you're interested, add me. My username is: CurlyAsh94 :). I hope everything is okay and I hope I get the chance to talk to you soon. You seem to be a pretty interesting boy. Have a good night xx''

And that is what I did. I added him on Skype and waited for him to accept me. Maybe this was the beginning of something.