White Noise

It wasn't Lila. Thank God.

But it was Trudy. Trudy, who for only a moment resembled the qualities of my own mother – the same light brown hair, hazel eyes, the kind smile lines.

But only for a moment.

Because Trudy was dying. Throat cut from ear to ear. Stomach cut open, splayed out, displaying the remnants of what was her unborn child. The blood was everywhere, squirting and spilling in all directions from the wounds Trudy had sustained.

Scarlett released her grip on my hand, choked back a sob before falling to her knees right next to Trudy's body. The panic in Trudy's eyes was slowly fading, but Scarlett still placed her hands across the wound to try to slow the bleeding from her throat. I followed suit, removing my jacket to try to cover her stomach, although I knew there was nothing left for me to do.

A thundering of footsteps approached where we stood behind the warehouse, right between where the worn dirt reached the grass. I held on to Trudy's hand, where she still had a little strength to squeeze back.

The first around the corner was Peter, followed closely by Logan and Sawyer. A few others I didn't know the name of followed soon after. I didn't spend much time focusing on them, their audibles gasps or even terrified screams, because all I could focus on were Trudy's eyes.

She looked at me, maintained eye contact while squeezing my hand again. She may have tried to speak, but with the wound in her neck, there wasn't much more than garbled blood.

“No, don't,” I whispered, using my other hand to stroke some hair out of her face. “It's okay.” I tried to be reassuring, tried to give her hope.

I could tell she had none. Somehow, though, her mouth contorted into a smile. A small, fragile smile. Whether that was her own doing, or just a side effect of dying, I won't ever know. But she squeezed my hand one more time, gazing deep into my eyes with a look of acceptance and something almost resembling relief, before the life faded from her completely.

It only took thirty seconds from the time we fell to our knees beside her for her to die. In that time, Scarlett had screamed, begged, bargained, cursed, all while trying to stop the blood flow and to catch the attention of the others. In that thirty seconds, all I had done was hold her hand.

An ear piercing cry brought me out of my reverie.

Lila pushed her way through the crowd, falling down next to me, wrapping her hands around mine and Trudy's. “No, no no no no no,” she muttered, tears streaming down her face. One of her hands instinctively flew to her own stomach, her own little baby bump starting to show.

“Lila,” I tried to speak, through a hoarse voice. I realized then that I had begun to cry, too.

“Her baby!” she cried. “What about her baby?” she reached her hands to my jacket in an effort to uncover her stomach.

I was thankful that I'd covered Trudy's stomach, and I shifted my body so that my knee held my jacket in place on our side. Scarlett silently did the same.

“Lila, you don't need to see this,” Scarlett spoke calmly, trying to gently push Lila's hands away.

Lila fell against me in hysterics, clinging to my shirt to keep her from completely collapsing into the dirt. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, letting her sob into my shirt while the rest of the survivors looked on, speculating aloud.

Scarlett, with her hands covered in blood from her valiant effort, looked at me. Lila sobbed into my chest, while my own tears fell silently. I turned my gaze from her to Peter, where he watched me closely and wide eyed. I nodded to him, hoping that he telepathically got the message to tell everyone what I could not say out loud, not right now.

He looked back knowingly, and then looked to Logan, who stared at Scarlett.

“Logan, I need to speak with you,” he said quietly, walking past her briskly before turning the corner around the warehouse. I looked back at Scarlett, who dropped her gaze to her blood covered hands and t-shirt. She then stood, and followed Logan around the corner.

Natalie approached us softly, before gently squatting down next to us. “We need to get you both inside. Hol, you're probably going into shock.”

Lila still sobbed into my shirt, but I stood, lifting her with ease as well. Natalie stood to my left while I cradled Lila bridal style, and we began to walk forward. She guided me gently by the shoulder. We paused for a moment when Peter reappeared from the side of the building, Scarlett and Logan closely behind.

“Has anybody seen Gabe?” Peter's voice carried over the crowd.

Whispers floated across the crowd, but Peter was answered by a chorus of “no”s and shaking heads. He looked to Logan, who stepped forward.

“We have reason to believe that he and Jason are responsible for this.” Logan's authoritative voice was met with a wave of shocked expressions and whisper-yells. She held her hand up, and everyone fell into complete silence again. “Peter and Holland overheard Gabe telling Jason that there is no room for children here. Jason seemed to agree. This horrible, senseless crime-”

“How do you know it was them?” someone shouted from the crowd. “How do you know it wasn't one of these new people?”

“Yeah!” someone else agreed. “Who died and made you the boss, anyway?”

Lila shook violently in my arms, and my chest was boiling over with anger.

“Listen!” Scarlett stepped forward, shouting over the crowd. “We are not violent people. We have a pregnant woman with us as well!” she motioned towards Lila, pale and shaking. “We have no desire to bring harm to anybody, much less pose a threat to someone as harmless as a pregnant woman. I don't know, nor do I care, about who is in charge. The only thing I care about is making sure that my friends, and by extension, all of you, are safe. The only thing I care about is making sure that we can fall asleep at night and wake up safe the next morning.” She looked around, and all the eyes in the crowd averted – watching the ground or staring at their own hands. She took a deep breath and continued. “Peter is always calm and collected. He does not share information unless he knows that he is one hundred percent accurate. And Holland,” she motioned to me. “Well, Holland just experienced the death of his best friend, who also happened to be Lila's boyfriend and the father of her child. Holland also held Trudy's hand and comforted her while she died. So do not place the blame on my people. We have no need to be here, other than there's a doctor who can help us with Lila's pregnancy. We came here because we needed a doctor. We didn't come her to cause more problems.”

Nervous eyes seemed to bounce between me, Lila, and Peter. They were finally sizing us up, seeing the kind of people we were. We must not have been much to look at, because the mob mentality seemed to fade and the people fell silent as Logan spoke again.

“Gabe and Jason could be anywhere. They are not in their usual hideaway. I want extra eyes on Lila as well as on Emma and her baby,” Logan motioned towards a kind woman holding an infant. “I want the entirety of the warehouse searched from top to bottom to ensure the safety of all of us. We'll continue our night watch routine, but add Scarlett, Sawyer, Peter, and myself to the rotation.”

Her eyes scanned the crowd for a moment until finding who she was looking for. “James, you and the guys need to head on in and start clearing the top offices, making sure Gabe and Jason aren't hiding there.” She turned her head to Peter. “Do you think you guys could start clearing the lower level?”

Peter glanced at Scarlett, who nodded. “Yeah, shouldn't be a problem.”

“Alright. Peter, get your group together...at least, the members that aren't suffering from shock, and get to it.”

He nodded, and the rest of our group followed except for Scarlett, who took Natalie's place in standing next to me.

“I need someone to escort Emma and her baby to the family area. Remember, we're keeping extra eyes on them as well as on Lila. Scarlett will take Holland and Lila to the nurse's station. Sawyer will get started on preparing dinner. If anybody sees any sign of Gabe or Jason...well, shoot first. Ask questions later. Is that clear?”

An echoed “yes ma'am” floated over the crowd. After a few moments, we received an all clear from both James and Peter. The crowd cleared the way for us, while Scarlett's hand on my shoulder kept me grounded in reality. Lila had gone far beyond pale, she was still shaking, and was clammy. I carried her quickly to the medical area, where like directed, Dr. Yancy had set up two cots. A number of people walked by, dropping blankets and bottles of water next to them.

I placed Lila down on the cot closest to the wall, where she rolled to her side and stared at it. Her eyes didn't seem to register that she was in a change of scenery. She didn't seem to be looking at anything at all.

Scarlett, who's hand had kept me grounded to this point, gently pushed me down onto the other cot. “Holland,” she whispered, while feeling my forehead – much like my mom used to do when she was checking for a fever. She frowned then she dropped her hand before sitting next to me. She turned her whole body to face me, while I rested my hands on my knees trying to just keep myself upright.

Then, she surprised me.

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. She whispered, “I'm so sorry.”

I didn't respond, I couldn't. Because the trauma from everything had finally caught up with me. My best friend was gone – he died in my arms. Trudy was gone – I watched her take her last breath. Lila was in shock over the most gruesome scene I'd ever seen in my life, and I couldn't make it better.

I couldn't think or cry or breathe. All I could do was stare at my hands resting on my knees. I felt my body start to shake. I felt cold and hot and everything in between. While Scarlett removed my shoes and guided my body to lay down, I felt my insides shrivel up. While the doctor tucked blankets tightly around my shoulders, I felt my heart disintegrate into nothing. While internally I was fighting great ocean swells just to make it to shore, I was externally vacant.

I tossed and I turned in my mind, but my body was heavy lead. I wanted to cry when, after lights out, I heard Scarlett singing softly to Lila. All I could do was stare at the ceiling. I wanted to thank Sasha for being so good to Lila while she brushed my hair from my eyes and checked my temperature. All I could do was lay there, silent. Powerless.

My brain was loud and restless, my body was silent and still. Was this what being in shock was like? I didn't know, because I'd never experienced that before. I'd never even read anything about being in shock before. For all I knew, I could have been dying from some sort of superflu.

Live through the zombie apocalypse to die from the superflu. Fucking bullshit.

I didn't know how much time had passed. I couldn't tell how long I'd laid there, watching sunrises and sunsets or maybe just peoples' flashlights and candles reflecting off the walls. I was lost in time, lost in my own body. My soul was in a frenzy, but my body was catatonic.

I was lost within myself, and I couldn't come out.