The devoted heart

I was on my way to my 'final' session with Mr. Driscoll, and I was a teeny-weenie bit ticked off. Some jerk spilled coffee on my shirtpurposely by accident and I snapped at the fucker.
New. White. Clean. Coffee stained!! See why I'm pissed?! Anyway..

I was driving like a lunatic towards the city center, cursing the dolt back at Cassie's cafe where I've been slave labouring for the last two months. I slammed on my brakes as the lights turned red. The green man popped up, signalling all the little old men and women to cross the road before the lights changed.

Checking my watch I noticed I was already fifteen minutes late. Sighing heavily I beeped the horn loudly and muttered under my breath at all the tardy old women gossiping about the latest news.
I sighed again, getting a little more fed up and beeped. This time holding my hand down on the horn. The women jumped at the sound and scurried to the other side of the road clutching their chests and protesting about my 'delinquent behaviour' Just as the lights went green I slammed my foot on the accelerator and sped off.

I hurriedly parked my baby in the closest spot to the psychologists and ran into the tall building. The woman at the registration counter peered at me over her red, half-moon spectacles and tapped on her watch. I knew I was late, she didn't have to bug me about it.
I ran past her, brushing her off and pegged it up the stairs to the third floor. I came to a stop as I reached the top, straightening my stained shirt and black skirt. Then calmly I walked towards room 8A.3. I knocked on the door and opened it, poking my head around to the door to see Mr. Driscoll sitting on his chair with his notebook resting on his laps.

He smiled, the same fake, highly annoyed smile he wore every time I came to a session late. He looked up at the clock over my head, (making sure he got a good glimpse at my legs first) and then cleared his throat.

"Welcome Ms. Harvey. It's exactly 4pm. You do realise this session was scheduled for 3.30?" I nodded and walked across the room taking a seat across from him on his long back leather chair.

"I expected punctuality to be maintained through out our series of sessions. You cant just come late because this is your last meeting with me. I should schedule another for you now. We've missed thirty minutes already.."

I rolled my eyes and looked around the room. Same as always. A number of degrees and plaques littered the wall. Papers covered his desk. A picture of his wife a three kids, which I've always assumed weren't his- well because I had just gotten bored one day! And then his large window- it's bolted shut because loads have people have threatened to jump out during their sessions.
I wonder why?

"I guess we should get started. I'm not wasting any more of our time." He crossed his legs and looked at me, his lips curling upwards into a smile. "How've you been feeling since our last encounter?" He clicked his pen and opened a new page, scribbling something at the top. Then he looked at me again.

"Err.. I well- I'm good.. I've been good I mean. Cant complain I guess." I cracked my knuckles and twisted my fingers, a nervous habit I guess, got it from my mom. She was always such a nervous person.

Mr. Driscoll nodded his head and scratched more writing into the notebook.

"I see.. And have you been socialising? How's your job going? Do you go out during the weekends?" He stopped talking immediately and wrote something else down. I fidgeted in my seat and looked down at my laps.

"Work is ok. The boss is kinda cool, her husbands a jerk though. Um.. Socialising, not really. I'm not good with people. I've told you all of this before, haven't you gotten it written down somewhere?! And no I dont go out. I cant afford to. I need food and water you know.” I sighed and looked up at him. He was still writing.

"Okay Ms. Harvey. Standard requirements, dont get upset.." He tried to convince me. I hate it when he does this.

"I'm not getting upset. I only answered the god damned question.." I sighed.

"Please refrain from raising your voice. Other people are here to get help. Stop being so defensive." He shot at me, as if I were a five year old being told off. He just had to go there today didn't he. Poor guy.

"Oh Bite me you fucking idiot. All these plaques and letters of accomplishments.. You cant do jack-shit. The people you talk to.. You make them worse. You ruining us.." I spat feeling a little overwhelmed. I swore I wouldn't do this.

"Ms. Harvey, Stacy- is it ok if I call you Stacy? You do not have to go through all this pain. You dont have to be alone."

"What are you talking about?! I can be alone if I want to and pain.. What pain? I dont feel fucking pain." I just hated to admit the truth.

"Ms Harvey. You do feel pain, all the time. You don't feel happy, you don't smile, you don't laugh. You have problems, and they are getting worse. You need my help."

"I don't need YOUR help. I dont need HELP. I'm perfectly fine."

"You in denial."

"You're in my face. Get out of my face."

Mr. Driscoll stood up and took off his glasses pulling out a tissue and wiping them clean.

"You need more then this. You need more help." He walked across the room and over to his telephone. He picked it up and pressed a button.
"Marie, can you give me Dr. Burtons number please?"

A muttered voice spoke squeakily down the phone. Mr. Driscoll jotted down the number and hung up the phone. He hurriedly walked out of his office for a moment or two then quickly walked back in.

"Please take a seat outside Ms. Harvey. I'll be with you in a just a few minutes." He opened the door and I got up, walking outside in my pissy mood. I was perfectly fine until he started me off.

I sat down on the cold wooden chairs in the waiting room. A young boy sat across from me. His eyes circled with dark rings and his face a pale colour. An insomniac, poor little guy. Beside him was his mother, with a magazine in her hand.
A woman with a blue polo shirt walked in and stood in front of the boy.

"Hi Thomas, I'm Kristine, do you remember me?" She bent down and smiled into the kids face. He blinked his eyes dismissively, looking straight through her. She stood up again, shaking hands with his mother, who by now had set the magazine down on empty chair beside her.

They spoke in hushed voices and the woman called Kristine took the boys hand and walked with him into a room close by. His mother sat back down again and picked up the magazine, burying her nose in the celebrity gossip section.
I rolled my eyes. If my mom were here she wouldn't be like that.

Mr. Driscoll called me back into his office not long after I'd been sent out. He smiled at me again. Urging me to sit down.

"Now. I spoke to Dr. Burton. He wants to see you tomorrow. Now his clinic is quite a bit away from here. About 20 miles outside the city. Is that alright?" I nodded my head. And looked away, peering out the window at the tree tops.

"You dont have to do this, you know. You cant survive this alone. You're sixteen years old. You're lucky you can get from A to B. You have no support. And you shouldn't be alone.. It's the law."

"Screw the law.." You half muttered while biting on your nails.

"No. I wont screw the law. Ms Harvey. Forgive my brutal words, but you have to hear this. Your mother is dead. You are alone. You are in need of Help and a Family.."

Everything he said was hitting me hard, slowly but surely breaking through the wall I built in my mind to shield myself from the reality of my situation. I was alone. I needed help. I wanted help, but I was to stubborn to agree with him.
I broke down in tears on his black leather couch. My heart torn into pieces. He was right. Of course he fucking was. I balled my hands into fists and I squeezed as tight as I could.

I wanted to lash out on him. Slap him, slap myself, slap somebody. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to get my lazy ass off the god damned chair.
When I'd stopped, I looked up, probably through blood shot eyes and noticed Mr. Driscoll was on the phone. He noticed I'd stopped and was excusing himself and hanging up on the person at the other end of the telephone.

He walked towards me, a smile on his face. A smile so broad I was sure his face was going to stretch in some sort of obscure manner. He was really creeping me out. I dried off my face with the back of my hand and stood up.

He stuck out a hand and kept his smile. I gave him mine and he shook it, his grip on my hand tightening a little. Obviously I was imagining things, wasn't I? I tried pulling my hand from his grasp but he kept it tightly within his. Ok, maybe I wasn't imagining things. My smile faltered immediately.

"It's such a shame to see such a pretty girl beat herself up like this. Surely you know what you could achieve in this world.." He lifted his hand. I clenched my eyes shut, and tensed my whole body expecting a clatter across the face. He only chuckled and lay his hand gently on my cheek.
Why was I expecting him to hit me?

I opened my eyes. What in the name of god was this guy doing? He pulled me close to him, so close I could smell the onions on his breath. I grimaced and put my hand on his shoulder trying pushing him off me. It didn't work.

His free hand wrapped itself around my waist, pulling me closer to him, so close our bodies touched. I grimaced once again, and then it happened. He kissed me. He put his foul, dirty, old, wrinkly mouth on mine and pulled me closer to him.

I never moved. I thought I was moving, I wanted to move. I needed to move but I didn't. I was like a rock. Cold and rigid. Finally he pulled away, the smile still on his face.

"We'll get through this Stacy. Together. They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. And that If you learn to accept that pain is part of life, you will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind you.."

I pushed him away from me and laughed. A nervous, disgusted, unimpressed laugh. Which echoed through the room, hitting off every wall and bouncing back to me again. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt. I walked to the chair, grabbed my bag and walked out. Prick!!!

Tears blinded my eyes and I ran down the three flights of stairs. I ran quickly passed the receptionist and out the door- slamming it shut behind me as I sped hurriedly across the parking lot.

'Fool. Fucking fool.' I kept repeating in my head, mentally slapping myself for not doing or saying something. I should have kicked his ass. Danced on his head for a little while. I don't know. Anything.

I found my car. My baby. I shakily slid the key into the ignition and turned it. The engine roared and speedily I reversed from my space and drove out of the unpopulated car park. I was still crying. Crying about everything. I kept my foot on the accelerator and sped through the main street. Flying through two red lights, luckily unnoticed.

I drove into Mitchell's Avenue. Surprisingly it was packed. A number of police cars littered the streets. I slowed down, put on my seat belt and tried to calm down. I had a tuck in my heart. I took in deep breaths and looked in the mirror. My face was tear stained and blotchy. Slowly I managed to get through the traffic.

Just as the lights turned from red to amber I set my foot lightly on the accelerator
thats when it happened. That was when they came.

"Get out of the car.." One screamed through the passenger window. He pulled open the door and poked his head in. There was another two guys behind him.

"What are you stupid get out of the fucking car" I said nothing. I made no expression at all. He pulled back the passenger seat and ushered his two friends into the back seat. He sat in the front himself and glared at me.

"Drive you fucking idiot. And dont fucking stop.." I pushed my foot down on the accelerator and took off. What am I doing?!